


Guilt

by KatrinaRice



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Brainwashing, Dark Setting, Dependency, Domestic Violence, Dominant Erwin Smith, Janitor Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Minor Moblit Berner/Hange Zoë, Minor Nanaba/Mike Zacharias, Power Dynamics, Professor Erwin Smith, Reincarnation, Submissive Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Suicidal Thoughts, Top Erwin Smith, Toxic Relationship, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-01-08 04:47:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 100,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21230048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatrinaRice/pseuds/KatrinaRice
Summary: Erwin is Levi's world. And that's all you need to know.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This short fic is a way of celebrating reaching 200 followers on Twitter and includes some of my follower's requests. And if you want to follow me on Twitter, follow this link: https://twitter.com/SummoningIsis
> 
> It's dark - you have been warned.

**Cover art made by D'oki, https://twitter.com/Eruvin_Smisu**

Levi knows he fucked up the moment Erwin looks into his eyes.

The blond continues to smile and everybody around them perceives this as nothing more than the man just being amused about his boyfriend’s comment, and why wouldn’t they? Erwin Smith has an unreadable face. He is able to mask his true emotions, play a part, play his audience, keep calm even if he is furious, vicious anger or contempt raging inside of that broad, manly chest. Erwin is not one to spit venom. He doesn’t curse in public. He holds the doors open for women, he offers his seat to elderly people on the subway, he engages in friendly small talk with anyone. And he never raises his voice. At least that’s what his co-workers, acquaintances and even friends think.

But Levi knows better.

That’s why he is the only one in the room who registers the coldness that has crept into Erwin’s eyes, the anger and scolding behind that tantalizing shade of blue. He’s the only one who detects that the man’s gaze lingers just a little bit too long on him to be viewed as normal – and he swallows dryly, looking down onto the floor, his grip around the crystal glass in his hand tightening.

It’s orange juice, despite this being a party with only adults present. But Levi doesn’t drink. Alcohol isn’t good for him, poisonous, Erwin says; and Erwin knows best. That’s why Levi doesn’t drink. Not anymore.

He startles as his boyfriend suddenly puts his big hand onto his shoulder. And for everybody around them this is nothing but an affectionate gesture.

But Levi knows better.

For he is the only one who feels the heavy weight of it, the pressure of Erwin’s fingers pushing into his body, practically grabbing him. This isn’t gentle stroking – this is a warning; the digits clawing into the skin covered by the soft, light, expensive turtleneck sweater, _Erwin’s gift._

The blond insisted on Levi dressing up. “It’s Mike’s birthday, after all,” the man had said, “that’s why I want you to look decent as well as to be on your best behaviour. Understood?”

Levi looks more than decent. But Erwin’s second request he has just thrown down the gutter, and he asks himself, as Erwin’s hand on his shoulder pulls him closer, Levi’s way smaller body pushing against the blond god’s massive form, what the hell he had been thinking.

Erwin bends down as the conversation shifts and he is no longer a part of it, Hange now passionately discussing their latest project with the most important man of the night, Mike, and his partner Nanaba.

“Go fetch me another Martini,” Erwin breathes into Levi’s ear, and a crass shiver runs down his spine, spreads across his back, seeps into his flesh and bones and makes him almost feel nauseous. Because Erwin sounds arctic.

“Okay,” Levi mumbles quietly, but as he wants to take a step to carry out Erwin’s request, the blond man holds him back, the fingers of his hand digging even further into Levi’s shoulder, stopping him, and Levi holds his breath, the blue of Erwin’s eyes, boring into his, dark and menacing, as he raises his gaze.

“I didn’t quite catch that,” the blond whispers in a reprimanding, nearly mocking tone. “I believe I told you to _speak up_ when you’re talking to me.”

Levi feels compelled to break their eye contact, to look away, because... Because Erwin’s now stern expression, as he is facing away from his friends, is just scary. But he knows better. Levi knows that this would only anger Erwin even more, and so he _doesn’t_ avert his gaze. He’s done enough with mumbling just now – _and_ that stupid remark about having a crush on some famous Hollywood actor because the star looks just like Erwin.

To some this remark would have been flattering. Others would have viewed it as merely a joke. For a few it would have been not even worth mentioning at all, forgotten after a second. But to Erwin...

To Erwin Smith it was offensive. It was appalling. It wasn’t _acceptable_ – for the man demands to have Levi’s full attention, the raven’s eyes and heart to be only focussed on him, for his mind, his world, to be only revolving around the blond. Levi knows.

So then why did he blurt that shit out?

It’s not even totally true.

Yes, he _does_ find said actor attractive, because he resembles Erwin and Levi finds the blond to be the most handsome man on the entire planet. He would never have a crush on anyone else _but_ Erwin. Erwin is the only man who Levi feels drawn to, whom he is in love with, for whom he’d give his life without any hesitation, with whom he wants to spend the rest of his time with. Erwin is the only man, the only person, that _matters_. And his world really _does_ revolve around the man.

Erwin _is_ Levi’s world.

And that’s exactly why he should have told Hange, when they asked what he thought about that actor, that he found the man to be ‘okay’. But then again that would have been a lie, and lying is bad, Erwin says. And Erwin knows best. That’s why Levi doesn’t lie. Not anymore.

That’s why he should have just kept his mouth shut. Because not saying anything _wouldn’t_ have been lying, right?

“Hey,” Moblit greets him in a gentle manner, smiling softly as Levi approaches the bar of the spacious cellar room turned into a distinguished party location. Hange’s partner, as always, volunteered to help out, taking over as tonight’s bartender. “Martini for your man?” he asks and Levi nods. “You want a refill of orange juice?” Levi nods again, sliding the glass over the counter for Moblit to refill it.

“Thank you,” he says, watching the man, who’s still smiling friendly at Levi, mix his boyfriend’s beverage skilfully.

“How are you, Levi?” Moblit enquires, while fulfilling the task.

“I’m fine,” the raven answers and offers a polite smile.

It’s another lie.

Yet this time... it’s okay.

Because Erwin isn’t around or addressed – and Levi may never speak openly about the things between them to anyone. Because, as Erwin says, those things are private, their concern only, and what happens between them must _stay_ between them. It’s their secret that has to be kept, an issue of trust, and Erwin knows best and Levi wants the blond to trust him, just like he trusts Erwin. With all his being.

So Levi can’t tell Moblit that he feels horrible because he’s upset Erwin with his remark and that he fears his punishment.

It’s subtle at first.

Erwin accepts the drink, Levi’s brought him. But he doesn’t put his hand back on his boy’s shoulder. Instead, he continues to talk with Mike, Hange and Nanaba about some local election. Levi zones out, drinking his juice, because he knows shit about the current topic of verbal exchange.

He startles, when he suddenly realizes that Erwin’s moving away from him, Mike in tow, walking towards the pool table in the corner, both men laughing, Erwin’s hand resting on his best friend’s shoulder – and Levi is instantly jealous. Because he wants Erwin to touch _him_ like that right now. Instead, Erwin doesn’t even _look_ back at him, doesn’t give him a signal to follow or stay, and a feeling of uneasiness begins to settle in the pit of Levi’s stomach –because he doesn’t know what to do.

Levi doesn’t know what he is _allowed_ to do now, _supposed_ to do. Only _Erwin_ knows that, and usually the man gives him clear instructions, gives Levi purpose. Normally he guides him, tells him where to go, how to act, what to say. But not this time. And Levi immediately knows it’s part of his man’s punishment. Because it feels terrible and he _should_ feel terrible for what he’s said.

“Will you join us?” Nanaba asks, smiling at him, nodding towards the pool table, where their boyfriends are.

“Of course he’s coming with us, Levi’s gonna be my personal cheer leader when I beat those blond bastards’ asses! Right, Levi?” Hange cheers, leaving the raven no choice, while they’re putting their strong arm around his shoulder and practically pull him along through the room. Until Levi finds himself standing right next to the pool table and dares to look at his man chalking up his cue stick.

Erwin gives him only a short but extremely intense look, and it rattles all of his bones and makes his skin scrawl. Because it’s a very displeased look, one that makes Levi believe that he’s done the wrong thing and that maybe Erwin doesn’t want him to be close to him right now. And it feels terrible. Levi feels terrible and he still doesn’t know what to do.

“All right!” Hange roars, ecstatically as always, grabbing a cue stick and pointing it towards Mike and Erwin as if it was a weapon, a sword maybe. “Prepare for your end. “_You_… are going... _down_!"

Mike smirks and exchanges a look with Erwin who scoffs in an amused fashion, his flawless lips pulling into a very dangerous grin, one that makes a fire burn in the pit of Levi’s stomach. “We’ll see about that, Hange...” the blond responds in a playful, menacing, deep tone, and the hairs on the back of Levi’s neck all begin to rise.

Hange is cheering and roaring, cussing and screaming during the game, and it looks like they’re losing. Erwin merely smirks, concentrates on his moves, while Mike is laughing contentedly the whole time, obviously overjoyed that he is able to spend his birthday with his most important people, Nanaba standing close to him, now and then giving him a kiss, now and then smiling at Levi – until she finally decides to walk up the raven.

“Are you okay?” she asks him, putting a hand gently on his shoulder, and Levi feels a wave of uncomfortable nervousness wash over him, feels Erwin’s gaze settle on him, without even having to look. And he’s anxious. Because he doesn’t want to say anything wrong, doesn’t want to upset his man any further.

“I-I’m... I’m fine,” he stammers, absent-mindedly starting to fiddle around with the seam of the beautiful turtleneck sweater with his free hand.

Nanaba’s smile stays gentle. “Do you want another drink?” she tries, pointing to Levi’s almost empty glass. “We have some lovely rhubarb lemonade, you know?”

“I-I’m fine with orange juice...” Levi mutters.

“You sure? The lemonade is really nice, and not too sweet. I made it myself.”

“Um, no, I mean: yeah, I’m sure, so: n-no, thanks, I… I’m… good,” Levi confirms. But he _isn’t_ sure. And he isn’t _good_. And he cannot stop his gaze from shifting to Erwin – who is indeed still looking at him, face pulled into neutral. No smile or whatsoever on his lips, no hint at what Levi should do. And the raven is starting to panic.

Because he has no idea whether he is being rude to Nanaba right now, declining a beverage she obviously praised and has created herself, or if it’s fine he is sticking to his orange juice because it tastes nice as well.

Levi isn’t good at reading people, he doesn’t respond well to social situations, and furthermore, Erwin says, he’s bad at making own decisions. That’s why he usually _doesn’t_ make any. Not anymore. And that’s precisely why he is so anxious right now, with Erwin still not giving him any guidance, not interfering, not taking the initiative like he normally would. Erwin just _stares_, and it’s making Levi’s chest constrict, a painful lump forming in his throat, one that he can barely swallow.

And Nanaba – even though she surely means well – only adds oil to the fire, making Levi’s anxiety grow.

“Have you helped yourself to some snacks yet?” she asks. “We have peanuts and crisps and pretzels. Don’t you want some?” she enquires – and Levi presses his lips together, the hairs on the back of his neck slowly rising as a shiver ripples through his body and Levi wishes the ground would just swallow him up so he could escape this situation, wishes for all the people to disappear instantly – all except for Erwin. He wishes so hard that the man would just call it a day, say goodbye to his friends and _take him home_, to their beautiful house, where there would just be the two of them and Levi could snuggle up to the blond man who’d rub his head and kiss his cheeks and murmur words of adoration into his ear.

Levi wants to run. He wants to hide. He wants Erwin to touch him, hold him, shield him, help him, lead him – but all Erwin does is stare. And Nanaba stares, too. Because Levi still hasn’t responded – _as he doesn’t know how!_ – because Erwin is the one managing his food-intake, and only Erwin can decide what and when Levi eats and how much, because Levi’s shit at choosing foods, destroys his health, Erwin says, and Erwin knows best. And Levi’s body, just like his soul, _belongs_ to Erwin.

“I… um…” he starts mumbling, as Nanaba’s brows begin knitting together and the woman is looking at him rather sceptically, but maybe it’s only worry, Levi isn’t sure, just knows that he needs to say something – but he still doesn’t have a clue, doesn’t know whether another ‘no’ would be impolite or if acceptance would be another offence to Erwin.

“I’ll get you some, okay, darling?” the fair-haired woman says, searching for his gaze and Levi has no clue where to look, his gaze shifting from Nanaba, to the floor, to the pool, table, then to Erwin – who is still staring at the raven with a neutral mask pulled over his god-like face – the quick changing making him feel almost dizzy. And as he stutters out incomprehensible words, confusing tonight’s hostess even more, a deep sense of dread suddenly grips his throat tightly and almost consumes him, because he feels helpless and useless and _frustrated_, and it _hurts_.

It hurts so much, so badly, and he feels so ashamed – because he’s upset Erwin. He’s ruined the man’s night. His own night. _Their_ night. Mike’s night. And all he wants is for Erwin to touch him, talk to him, to tell him what to do, he wants Erwin not to be angry at him, because when Erwin is angry Levi fears for the worst, and he is so afraid right now, so irritated, so fucking _lost_, and his pulse is quickening, and his throat hurts, and it feels as if someone was kicking his ribcage from both sides – the inside as well as the outside – and he’s starting to have trouble breathing, his hands beginning to shake slightly, and he panics even more as he starts to feel tears building up in his eyes, because yes, this is what it is, this is what’s happening: Levi’s panicking because he’s having _a panic attack_; and even though he knows, he cannot stop it, he can’t stop it. Erwin’s upset with him and he can’t stop it, Erwin’s upset with him and he can’t stop it, Erwin’supsetwithhimandhecan’tstopit, _Erwin’supsetwithhimandhecan’tstopit, ERWIN’SUPSETWITH…!_

“Hey, Nan,” Erwin’s deep voice rings in Levi’s ears and he nearly whines as he lays his eyes automatically on his man’s big, approaching form, handling the pool cue over to the fair-haired woman, “take over for me, will you?” he asks. No: he _tells_ her – and then, as she accepts and lets them be, he puts his arm around Levi, pressing the raven’s side against his side, and Levi can instantly feel the heat coming from this living furnace, he can smell Erwin’s wonderful cologne, and he nearly sobs, only stopping the tears from flowing out of his eyes in the very last second, squeezing them together tightly, as Erwin plants a soft kiss on the top of his head, his breath brushing Levi’s scalp feeling so warm and so comforting. “Do you want to go to the bathroom?” Erwin whispers gently into his ear and Levi is nodding vehemently, like a little child, pressing his fingernails into his thigh, still trying to hold back the tears and everything he wants to tell Erwin, all the words that want and need to pour out of his heart and mouth. “C’mon,” Erwin prompts, taking the glass of juice out of Levi’s hand and setting it aside onto one of the tables, “let’s go, baby boy.”

Levi’s gaze is stuck to the floor, looking at his own two moving feet, as his man, Erwin’s arm remaining draped around the raven’s shoulder, leads him out of the party cellar and up the stairs to the upper floors of Mike and Nanaba’s house, to the master bathroom only close friends like them are allowed to use during festivities like today’s, away from all the other guests, some not more than good acquaintances.

It’s quiet up here, no music, no talking, no murmuring, no sounds at all reaching Levi’s ears, except for the wooden door being closed by Erwin, and when the man locks it and turns back around to face his boyfriend, Levi lets out the breath he’d been holding and along with it all the tension – _and he breaks down_.

His fingers tremble as they scrape across Erwin’s elegant black suit, finally grasping some of the fabric, a loud sob escaping his mouth, one that hurts in his throat and chest and sounds pitiful and desperate and reverberates off the tiled walls, ringing in his ears, mixing with the rushing of his blood. His vision turns blurry as the tears gather, and when he blinks, they slide over the edges and down his cheeks to make room for new ones.

Levi’s shaking and his voice is fragile and weak and hoarse, and speaking hurts and it’s so hard, but he _has_ to tell Erwin, tell his man how horribly ashamed he is. “I-I’m... s-s-orry, E-erwin...” he chokes out – and that’s the liberating, the wonderful, the blissful moment, the blond man slowly snakes his arms around his boy’s upper body, pulling him gently against his chest.

But as Levi’s nose is pushed against Erwin’s hard chest, the noirette panics again. “I-I’m g-gonna d-dirty it...!” he chokes out, yet Erwin shushes him gently, doesn’t loosen his grip on him. In fact, his embrace only tightens, and one of his big hands moves up and into Levi’s hair, stroking it in a tender manner.

“It’s okay, Levi,” Erwin murmurs against his forehead, curling his lips and pressing soft, little kisses between his calming words onto Levi’s skin. “Don’t worry about it,” the man says. “It’s okay, Levi...”

But it isn’t.

Because Levi still feels so guilty and hasn’t apologized properly.

“I’m s-sorry...” he nearly wails, not able to contain his misery any more, fingers clawing into the fabric of Erwin’s suit and the taunt flesh beneath it, and the man whispers:

“...it’s okay...”

_But it isn’t! _

And then it just all bursts and pours out of him, like a wild, roaring waterfall or a dam exploding: “I am s-so, so, ashamed of myself, Erwin, and I never should have said what I said!” he mewls, disgusting saliva pooling in his mouth, breaching the edges of his mouth, mingling with his tears and snot on his lips, it’s abhorrent; but Levi can’t stop it. “I only fancy _you_! You’re the only man I’m attracted to and I would never betray you!” he nearly screams against Erwin’s broad chest and the man presses his lips repeatedly against his smaller boyfriend’s forehead, both hands continuing to stroke the raven, attempting to calm him down. But there is so much Levi needs to let out, his form still shaking, his knuckles white, his eyes not stopping to form tears. “I’m so sorry I upset you, I’m so sorry I made your friends believe I could be able to have eyes for another man. I only tried to be f-funny, but I f-failed. I’m bad at social interactions, so, so bad, shit – _I’m so sorry, Erwin...!_” his lasts words are merely a whisper, because his throat hurts so much and his voice breaks off as another sob pushes out if his body.

Erwin kisses the top of Levi’s forehead again. “Do you only love _me_, Levi?” he asks him, the deep voice calm and composed, but also somewhat gentle.

Levi dares to raise his head, sniffling, looking into this mesmerising shade of blue. “Yes...” he breathes out, “only you!” And the soft smile that appears on Erwin’s face finally offers a bit of relief.

“Will you love me forever?” the blond enquires, and Levi’s nodding vigorously.

“Yes...” he rasps, “_forever_, Erwin. I _promise_…!”

And this time he’s going to _keep_ his promise.

The smile on the handsome face intensifies. “Then I shall forgive you,” Erwin tells him in a soft voice, cupping his cheek, “pretty darling.”

Another sob pushes up Levis throat and out of his mouth. But this time it’s a sound of happiness, of alleviation, a sound of healing. “...I’m so sorry Erwin...” Levi repeats, his vision blurring once again, his body still trembling, “please don’t ignore me anymore, please... I need you... I need you...” he whimpers, over and over again. “_I need you, I need you, I need you..._” and Erwin’s still smiling down on him, stroking his wet cheek with his thumb.

“I won’t ignore you, baby boy,” the blond coos and kisses the tip of Levi’s nose who is still holding onto his boyfriend tightly, as if he could fall if he let go – because this is actually the case.

Levi’s knees feel as if they were boneless, all strength has left his body. He feels weak and broken, drained and exhausted. His head is dizzy and now that he’s cried so hard it’s started pounding; as if there was a little person behind his forehead kicking it from the inside with boots made of steel. And when he thinks about having to go back into the party room with Erwin, join all of his friends, engage in the celebration, another wave of panic starts creeping up on him, like a shadow engulfing him.

“I’m sorry...” he whispers again, and his crying intensifies and there is nothing he can do about this. “I-I ruined your night, and your suit, and...”

“Shhh...” Erwin shuts him up gently, and then he suddenly puts his hand onto his shoulder and starts walking him back, until the back of Levi’s calves meet the lavatory seat. “Sit down,” he tells him, and Levi obeys, watching Erwin rip off some of the toilet paper.

His left hand grabs Levi’s chin to hold the raven’s head in place while he begins to wipe the tears off his face gently. He tosses the used paper strips into the bin, takes out some more for Levi to use. “Blow your nose,” he instructs him and Levi complies. When he is done, Erwin holds out a small white pill. “Take it,” he says – and Levi does, swallowing it dry, looking at his man for further instructions.

Erwin’s smiling. “Good boy,” he praises in a soft voice, carding his fingers through Levi’s dark hair – and a pleasant shiver runs down the raven’s spine.

He remains quiet, observing how Erwin washes his hands and then slides out of his stained suit jacket, taking a closer look at the damage done by Levi’s spit, saliva and mucus. It’s disgusting, and Levi feels bad, so bad, _so bad_.

“I’m s-s-sorry...” he mumbles, his chest aching and he feels the tears re-grouping behind his eyelids.

Erwin looks at him, smiling softly. “I told you it’s okay, little one,” he says calmly. “You know I can always just toss it. Besides: I have a spare jacket stored here, you know that, baby.”

Levi sniffles. But he doesn’t protest. Because Erwin is right, and Erwin knows best.

He still feels horrible, though.

The blond sighs softly and walks back to Levi, squatting down in front of him, putting his hand on top of Levi’s knee, making the raven look into his eyes. “Calm down, darling,” he says, “everything’s fine. I’ve forgiven you, haven’t I?”

“…I still feel bad…” Levi confesses, sounding croaky, “I really shouldn’t have done that…”

“It makes me glad to hear that you regret your mistake,” Erwin answers, smiling, his fingers rubbing soothing circles where they’re touching Levi, “but I don’t want you to feel bad anymore, baby…”

Levi swallows a big lump in his throat. There’s still some uneasiness left and he is way too agitated to calm down. His skin is still crawling and he has no idea how he is going to survive this evening, how he is going to face Make and Nanaba with his eyes red and swollen after crying and how…

“I’m going to take you to the guest room,” Erwin’s words interrupt Levi’s train of thought, “how does that sound?”

“…p… perfect…”

Erwin offers another smile. “Wait here, I’m gonna tell Mike where we’re going so he doesn’t worry,” he tells him, and Levi grabs the edges of the toilet seat as he watches Erwin leave the bathroom, close the door behind him, and Levi focusses on one thing only, one thought, one perception:

Erwin has forgiven him.

And that feels so wonderful.

Only… it doesn’t. And not because it isn’t beautiful and good and simply brilliant, but because he’s starting to get worried as Erwin’s been gone for quite a while now, hasn’t he?

Or has his man just left the room a few seconds ago?

Levi can’t say, he can’t tell, he starts counting the seconds to get some sense of time, because he doesn’t have a phone and he’s not wearing his watch tonight.

One, two, three, four, four, four – shit.  
_Again._  
One, two, three, four, five, six, six, six… eight…  
_Again! _  
One, two, three, three, six, nine, ten…  
What…?

Levi’s shaking his head. Or at least he’s trying to. And he tries to open his eyes – _when has he closed them?_ – but his eyelids feel as if they were of stone, as do his limbs, and he feels as if he was beginning to drift off just a few seconds away from sleep, but he isn’t sleepy, is he? Or maybe he is? _Where is Erwin?_

His consciousness suddenly slips out of his grasp and he nearly slides off the toilet seat, gripping onto the edges in the very last moment before the fall, blinking, not able to keep his eyes open, but – _ah!_ – he is sure that…

“Levi,” a deep voice speaks his name, Erwin’s voice, and he tries to answer, but his lips feel as if someone has sawn them together and all he manages to release is a muffled groan, eliciting a soft chuckle from his commander; and then something interrupts Levi’s consciousness for another brief moment, as if he was taking a dive into the sea, and when he breaches the surface of the imaginary water again, his clouded mind returning to reality, he’s being carried down a corridor towards an open door.

Before he can panic, Erwin’s distinctive fragrance calms him down, and Levi’s hand moves to his hard chest – something’s missing. “…wh-where’s y-your b-bolo tie, o-old man?” he manages to stutter, his words slurred and humpy; he must’ve had too much whisky in Erwin’s office after the expedition.

The man chuckles, but the sound as well as the blond’s words barely reach Levi. “This again…?” Erwin murmurs softly – and then Levi totally blacks out.


	2. Chapter 2

Levi’s dreams are weird. Even stranger than usual.

His mind creates weird monsters lurking in the shadows, breathes life into normally lifeless objects that are all after him: A talking lamp, that wants to burn his skin with a light way too bright to be of this world, an ancient ink feather, sharp and swift, that wants to stab his throat, a pistol, small but deadly, that wants to shoot its last remaining, colourful flare into Levi’s head and that is laughing hoarsely the whole time.

And then suddenly, just before all of those creatures reach him, they are washed away by a tidal wave as big as the Empire State Building, the Eiffel Tower, the Burj Khalifa – and they all drown in the crystal clear, shining blue water.

All but Levi.

He floats in the waves that carry him away and out of the darkness. He feels the ocean’s calming cold taking over his body as he is eventually swallowed up slowly, making him forget about the terrifying chase. He feels the water stripping him off his constrictive clothing, feels it pulling him further down into the blue core, where soothing, warm currents await him. 

Streaks of heat brush up his stripped calves, snaking around them like soft weeds, moving up and across the inside of his thighs towards his centre. He feels pleasant shivers travelling up and down his spine, goosebumps of delight erupting all over his skin, and then… And then he suddenly registers a presence, as if someone was floating right before him, exuding a unique kind of energy: calming, reassuring, pacifying. 

It’s taking away all of the remaining fear caused by the wicked abominations chasing him, replacing all negative emotions with joy and content, and Levi feels compelled to open his eyes; and when he does, he is looking into a pair of sapphires that are as blue as the sea itself surrounding him. Yet they’re more tantalizing than the deep waters, mesmerizing and enthralling, alluring and agitating at the same time. And within seconds, around those eyes which are piercing him, a _face_ begins to appear, as if someone was painting it and Levi was observing the creative process. 

It’s a face Levi knows. A face Levi loves. A face he desires. 

And when he realises it’s _Erwin’s_, and an intense feeling surges through the whole of his body, eliciting lust and deep, feral craving – _he wakes up_.

And in the instant he opens his eyes in reality, arousal rushes through his body, and his groin throbs, his cock twitches, and he realizes that his sex is enveloped by something soft, wet and hot, and it’s not sea weeds or warm currents: It’s Erwin’s mouth and tongue and the man’s lips stretched around his girth – and a deep moan escapes Levi’s throat involuntarily, his back arching, as he looks down and between his legs at the blond man, laying between his spread exposed thighs, _swallowing_ his dick, his face and stark naked, toned body illuminated by the moonlight.

“_Ugh….!_”

Levi’s fingers dig into the mattress, and he sucks in air audibly through his clenched teeth, as Erwin’s head moves back up, and the raven’s dick slowly slides out of his man’s mouth, who’s giving the tip a thorough suck now, making Levi almost see stars – and then, as Levi’s manhood moves fully out of Erwin’s cavity and falls back onto his abdomen, the blond looks up at him and their eyes meet, the man’s orbs even more intense than they were in Levi’s dreams.

But there’s more.

As Levi is regaining his consciousness, realising that the only thing he is wearing is a knitted turtleneck sweater, and the world around him is starting to sharpen, confusion sets in. For the first seconds, with Erwin’s warm breath on his moist dick, he doesn’t know where he is, blinking and shifting his gaze slightly to the sides in order to take in his surroundings. Are they in Erwin’s office? Are they in their room? Are they in the barracks? Are they in an inn in Mitras?

Something catches his eye – numbers glowing in the semi-darkness of the room, and Levi blinks again, and the cogs of his head start turning, until they finally settle and give him an answer: he’s looking at a digital clock. And with this realisation come so many more: This isn’t _the other world_. This isn’t his old life. There aren’t any titans around. He’s not a fighter. _Not anymore_. He’s not in the Survey Corps. Erwin is not his commander. _Erwin’s alive_.

“_Haaa…!_” 

Levi’s whole body arches, and his thighs begin to tremble, as he suddenly feels an intense rush of pleasure, utter arousal race through the whole of his body, making his abdomen clench and unclench, and it’s only then that he realizes, feels, that Erwin has three of his fingers pressed inside of him, nudging his prostate as he slowly licks up his shaft to take him back into his searing mouth – and Levi’s brain shuts off, his eyes fall close, and his fingers dig further into the bedding; because Erwin’s hot mouth around him, sucking the soul out of his dick, is just too much, the man’s thick fingers pushing into his channel are too much, the rough fingertips stimulating his sweet spot are too much. It’s _all_ too much, coming from out of nowhere, and he can’t stop moaning like a fucking whore.

And then it hits him, and he’s confronted with more pieces of reality, his new life, their circumstances, their current location: Mike’s and Nanaba’s guest room, just two doors down from their own night chamber, and considering it’s four in the morning, and the party must just have come to an end, they are probably still up – _and can hear them_.

Levi tries to stifle his moan, lifts his hand up to bite into his arm, to keep himself from letting out his whiny sounds of pleasure – but Erwin isn’t having this. 

“Let it out,” he whispers hoarsely against Levi’s wet cock head, making the raven hiss, and then the man grabs his arm with his free hand and pulls it down, out of Levi’s mouth, and another desperate sound escapes the smaller man’s throat unhindered as Erwin presses his fingers harshly against the raven’s prostate at the same time.

“Ffffuck…!” he curses, and Erwin chuckles, taking his boyfriend back into his way too hot mouth, making Levi moan again _and again and again_, making him writhe on the bed that isn’t theirs, and Levi realises he is lying on a thick towel – at least Erwin’s making sure not to stain the sheets, Levi thinks, but then he doesn’t think anymore, because Erwin keeps rubbing his sweet spot and keeps sucking his cock head and all Levi’s mind is able to focus on is the will not to come; because Erwin hasn’t given him permission to climax. But it’s becoming so hard for him to hold back, his body being fondled with in this extreme way, with Erwin pushing all his buttons and going in with maximum force and speed and intensity.

Levi’s whole body is shaking now, his toes curling, his fingers are clawing into the sheets, his back keeps pushing off the mattress, his head is twisting from side to side, his legs are twitching, and he’s practically whining. 

“… _E-E-Erwin_… god…! Erwin… _please_…!” 

Levi’s dick slides out of the blond man’s mouth who gives the tip a final hard and loud suck, making Levi’s whole body jump – and another way too loud moan push past his lips, coupled with a curse. 

“Fuck!”

And then Erwin rises to his knees, spreading Levi’s legs further apart, and Levi lays his eyes on the man’s stone-hard, thick, uncut cock and its revealed moist tip, and he feels so hot, his gaze shifting upwards, meeting Erwin’s stare. The man’s lips are parted and he’s breathing heavily as he’s coating his cock with lube – _where the hell has he got it from?_ – and Levi swallows, and he feels even hotter, knowing what is about to happen. 

He grabs the hem of the sweater Erwin’s gifted him, wanting to get rid of it, doesn’t want it to get stained with the lubricant, cum and his other bodily fluids, but Erwin isn’t having it, grabs his wrist, and their eyes meet. “Don’t,” is all the blond says, and Levi swallows again, letting go of the nice piece of garment covering his upper body. “Lift your legs.”

Levi does as he’s told, moving them towards his body while spreading them, revealing his stretched and moist asshole to his man, and Erwin moves closer, his muscled legs pushing against Levi’s ass cheeks as well as his thighs, and he watches as Erwin guides his dick to his entrance. 

Before he slides in, he searches for Levi’s gaze, and only when their eyes meet, Erwin pushes his thick tip in, breaching the ring of muscle he must have played with for quite some time while Levi had been asleep – because there is almost no resistance, almost no pain as Erwin’s massive sex enters his anal canal, grunting erotically as he does so. There’s only lust, only desire, only need Levi experiences, and a noise of pleasure leaves his mouth as the last millimetres of Erwin’s hard dick drive into him, bumping his sweet spot, eliciting another wanton gasp from Levi.

“There you go…” Erwin murmurs, his words slightly slurred – because he is aroused, but also because he is slightly intoxicated. Levi can feel it, see it, smell it. He’s had quite a few Martinis, Levi’s sure of it. “My sweet, lovely boy…” Erwin mumbles as he grabs Levi’s legs and guides his petite ankles to rest on his shoulders – and then he begins to move thrusting into his little boy, while holding onto them with his big hands.

His pace is slow at first, as he rolls hips seductively, making sure his thick, wet cock nudges Levi’s sweet spot, making the raven gasp and moan and his fingernails scrape across the sheets audibly. “…Erwin…!” he breathes out and the man chuckles – and increases the speed of his lewd movements bit by bit, until he’s ultimately _pounding_ into Levi, the sounds of skin smacking against skin filling the room, mingling with the squeaking of the bed frame, which would make Levi feel ashamed if he wasn’t so aroused, so into it, so _gone_ already, mewling and nearly sobbing as Erwin is hitting his prostate with every single thrust of his broad hips and makes his dick throb and twitch and nearly ache.

And then Erwin practically folds him in half, leaning forward, placing both of his hands next to either side of Levi’s body, thrusting his big cock into Levi in a different angle now, his angelic face so close to Levi’s now he can feel his boyfriend’s hot breath on his lips, and Levi moans even louder now, the immense arousal causing his abdominal muscles to clench and unclench, his body quivering uncontrollably – and then Erwin _does it_.

Both of his hands reach for his neck and settle around his throat, beginning to choke him, as he continues to slam into him, his grip tightening as he does so, throttling him, cutting off his air supply, and Levi’s face begins to contort. His eyes water as Erwin pounds into him forcefully and throttles him a little harder, and he begins to see white flecks, his ears starting to hum due to the lack of oxygen. 

His face heats up and he’s sure he’s turning read, his hands automatically begin to reach for Erwin’s wrists to tear them away, to break free – but before they can do that, Levi stops and forces himself to lower them, as his vision begins to blur and his body is tensing up, his lungs burning and screaming for air, as Erwin continues to drive his hard prick in and out of him, muffling his noises of lust caused by the incessant stimulation of his prostate.

His mind’s beginning to slip, his eyes flutter shut – and he’s back in the water. But this time it isn’t crystal clear and warm. It’s muddy and cold, dark and scary, and he feels pain, so much pain, as if something or someone was dragging a knife across half of his face, pushing wooden splinters into his cheeks, cutting of his fingers; and as he nearly loses consciousness, feeling as if death was imminent, _he remembers_. 

He remembers the explosion, his body flying through the air, crashing into the arctic river, his last thoughts of Erwin and a promise he could not keep and then – _darkness_.

In that moment Erwin lets go of his throat and Levi gasps, drawing in life-saving air, sweet air, tasty air, filling his lungs with a croaky sound – and his asshole tightens in that moment, his hot inner walls clamping around Erwin’s hard prick, making the man moan deeply, and Erwin presses his lips against Levi’s abused throat, pushing back the light fabric of the sweater to reveal the sensitive skin against which his lips feel so hot and soft and wonderful. 

They make Levi’s skin tingle, and as Erwin’s hands suddenly move between the mattress and his back, sliding underneath the sweater to touch his bare skin, scrape his nails across it, Levi wraps his arms around Erwin form, touching the heated, exposed skin, pulling the man tightly against his own body, while also wrapping his legs around Erwin’s torso, clinging onto him, as the blond shoots his seed inside of him with his last few hard thrust, making Levi tip over the edge with him, as his upper body rubs against his dick and he whispers his permission hoarsely out into the night – “_come for me_” – and Levi’s cum spreads between their bodies, staining the sweater slightly. And it’s… it’s terrifying and marvellous at the same time.

Erwin’s body goes limp and the man slumps down onto him, his mouth right next to his ear and Levi can feel his hot breath caress and almost burn his shell while listening closely to the breathing, the most beautiful sound he has ever heard, the noise that calms him, brings him down, feeds him energy, keeps him going. 

Erwin’s heavy and he’s almost crushing him, but Levi doesn’t complain, doesn’t want to let go. He wants Erwin to stay close, even though he feels hot and sticky and his man’s cum is starting to leak out of his asshole as the blond’s cock goes limp, too. 

But Levi doesn’t move, he just listens.

_Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. _

Then: a satisfied groan.

_Erwin’s alive. _

“That was good…” Erwin murmurs, his tone deep and raspy, and Levi loves it, his filigree fingers drawing invisible patterns onto his boyfriend’s back, feeling it moving slightly with Erwin’s breathing, rising and falling lightly.

_Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. _

Another content sound leaves the blond man’s mouth.

_Erwin’s alive. _

Levi listens.

_Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. _

Erwin sighs.

_He’s alive. _

And as the blond man’s body tenses up a little, because he wants to move, stand up to clean them both up, fear shoots through every vein of Levi’s body and both of his arms and legs stilled wrapped around Erwin’s form tighten and hold the blond man in place.

There are a few seconds of silence. Seconds in which Erwin’s doesn’t move or speak. And then he places his gentle enquiry: “…Levi?” And upon hearing his name being uttered by this beautiful voice belonging to this beautiful man, the tears Levi had been trying to hold back, are being shed, and he sobs, pushing his face further against the spot where Erwin’s neck and shoulder meet. “…what’s wrong, baby?” Erwin asks in a whisper, starting to caress Levi’s scalp in a tender fashion. “Have I hurt you?”

Levi shakes his head.

“Have I upset you?” Erwin questions.

Levi shakes his head, sniffling

“…then what’s the matter, darling?”

“…I’m s-sorry…” Levi chokes out. 

Erwin sighs lightly. “You already apologised and I have already forgiven you, silly. Have you already forgotten?”

Levi shakes his head.

“Then what are you apologising for now?”

Levi sobs. “…I let you die, Erwin… _I killed you_…!” …and he feels another anxiety attack building up, his limbs starting to tremble slightly, his chest constricting, his throat going tight.

There’s another row of seconds of silence. Seconds, in which Erwin doesn’t speak. And then the man’s beginning to move, and even though Levi’s grip around him tightens again, there’s nothing he can do about it. Because in this life, he isn’t strong. There’s no lean arms, no six pack, no muscled thighs. He’s skinny, fragile, like a delicate porcelain doll, Erwin says, and the blond can twist and turn him around with terrifying ease, as he does right now, moving them in a 180 degree angle, pulling his boy on top of his body, manoeuvring his head directly onto his broad, hairy chest. 

“Listen, baby…” he murmurs, one of his strong arms cradling Levi’s petite form, the other brushing through his hair, “listen…” And Levi listens, his eyes closed, his fingers clawing into Erwin’s flesh – and with every heartbeat that reaches his ear, he’s beginning to calm down. “…listen…” Erwin whispers, stroking his scalp and back and Levi concentrates even further on the steady sound.

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. _

“Here…” Erwin tells him softly, gently grabbing Levi’s hand, bringing it up to his neck, placing his fingers onto his soft skin to the side of his windpipe, and Levi can feel it – Erwin’s steady pulse. “…there…” Erwin whispers, “breathe.” And Levi does, his eyes closed, his ear stuck to Erwin’s chest listening to his heart beat, his fingers on the man’s throat feeling every thump – and he calms down.

Erwin’s alive.

_Thump – Erwin’s alive. Thump – Erwin’s alive. Thump – Erwin’s alive. _

“You haven’t killed me. I’m breathing, aren’t I?” Erwin mumbles, and Levi bite his tongue. But he can’t stop himself from speaking up.

“…I’ve killed you in our past life… I let you die on that rooftop, I—“

“Stop it, Levi,” Erwin scolds him, voice louder and sterner than before, and Levi immediately shuts up. “Fuck this previous life,” Erwin says, “we are here now, aren’t we?” But that’s so easy for him to say. Because the commander doesn’t remember. 

Erwin doesn’t remember the titans, doesn’t remember the underground, doesn’t remember their struggle, doesn’t remember the Survey Corps, doesn’t remember the walls. Erwin doesn’t remember. And as much as Levi sometimes wishes he would, deep down he is grateful that Erwin’s clueless, that he doesn’t have to carry this burden in this new life, where he isn’t responsible for sending soldiers into battle, where he can’t blame himself for the deaths of hundreds, for the death of his father, for making Levi’s life hell.

Levi sniffles and Erwin presses a soft kiss on top of his head. “I love you, Levi…” he murmurs tenderly against his hair, and another sob pushes past his lips.

“I love you, t-too…” he whispers hoarsely against Erwin’s warm and gently heaving chest.

_Erwin’s alive. _

He doesn’t remember the attack, doesn’t remember riding towards his death, doesn’t remember their final talk, doesn’t remember their last words, doesn’t remember Levi’s promise. A promise not kept. A promise tossed into the depths of the river. A promised broken. A dream broken. A life taken.

Because of Levi’s decision Erwin didn’t get to unlock the basement. Because of Levi’s decision he didn’t get to uncover the truth about titans. Because of Levi’s decision Erwin didn’t get to see the real world outside their walled-in cage. Because of Levi’s decision Erwin didn’t get to bathe in the wide sea he had talked about so often with Levi, when they had sat in his office, when they had tossed in their bed, when they had watched the stars from the top of the wall, when they rested on the thick branches of the trees during the expeditions, sharing secret kisses and embraces.

Because of his decision Erwin _died_ on that rooftop.

That’s why Levi _doesn’t_ make decisions anymore.

That’s why _Erwin_ gets to decide everything for him. That’s why he lay his life into the palm of this man in this new life. That’s why he will take anything Erwin bestows upon him. That’s why he’s going to die, if Erwin ever tells him to. He would have done that in their previous life as well. Now, even more.

Erwin’s in charge and he can do anything to Levi that he wants – and Levi will take it all. Because he deserves it. Because he’s guilty. A murderer. A man who doesn’t keep his promises. A broken man. A man in love, that lasts longer than a life time. A desperate man.

“Are you good, Levi?” Erwin asks him, and the raven nods. “Will you stop talking about the other life now?” Levi nods again, listening to Erwin’s heartbeat.

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump_.

He feels the man’s pulse against his fingertips.

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. _

“I’m alive, okay?” Erwin mumbles, and Levi nods, smiling vaguely as the blond places another soft kiss onto his crown. “…I’m gonna clean us up now, okay?”

Levi nods again – and then he slowly sits up to comply. And only then he realises how heavy his head is, how heavy his eyelids are, his limbs, and he has to yawn, and Erwin smiles, cupping his cheek. And when Levi looks into his eyes, Erwin leans forward and presses his lips softly against Levi’s. “My pretty little boy…” he whispers against Levi’s mouth, and warmth spreads inside of Levi’s chest, making him smile faintly. “There you go…” Erwin breathes gently and contentedly, his thumb brushing over Levi’s bottom lip. “So beautiful…”

The raven falls asleep quickly. Erwin hasn’t even finished cleaning him up when the dreams reclaim Levi’s soul.

This time there are no monsters. 

This time Levi doesn’t dream at all. And when he awakes, Mike and Nanaba’s guest room is infiltrated by pure and warm sunlight and Levi yawns, stretches – and is instantly agitated, because he is alone in the bed, and when he sits up and scans the room, Erwin is nowhere to be found, and his heart starts racing.

He’s naked, he realises, as he pulls the covers to the side, and there are none of his clothes put out. No underwear, no trousers, no turtleneck sweater.

“What…?” he mumbles, draping the duvet around his naked form as he slides off the bed and starts wandering around the small chamber. He walks to the door, puts his ear against the wood and concentrates, trying to filter any sounds of movement – but he can’t hear shit. There’s no one on the hall and he can’t hear any sounds coming from the bathroom or the kitchen; and he starts to panic.

He slips back onto the bed, wrapping the duvet tighter around his body. He’s cold, even though he should be feeling warm, and he’s thirsty and hungry and… _And where is Erwin? _

Has he left him behind? Has he gone home on his own to fetch something? Is he coming back? Is he in the kitchen with Mike and Nanaba? Does he want Levi to join them? Does he want his boy to remain in the room? Is this why he took all of his clothes with him? IS HE COMING BACK FOR HIM? AND IS HE ALL RIGHT?

Levi starts hyperventilating, his heart beating so fast, as if it’s going to explode any second now, he starts biting his bottom lips, his fingernails dig into the bedding, dig into his flesh underneath it, he starts rocking back and forth as the uneasiness in the pit of his stomach starts spreading into every crevice of his body, making him shudder and tremble and his throat go dry and tight and his toes curl and he feels light-headed and—

And then the door suddenly opens slowly and quietly and Erwin slips inside the room, dressed in dark sweatpants and a black pullover that is slightly too big for him, probably all Mike’s clothes – and Levi lets out a whine. That’s when the man looks at him and Erwin’s eyes widen. “Baby!” he nearly gasps, setting the pile of clothes he’s carrying aside onto the small coffee table next to the armchair. He hurries towards Levi, scooting onto the bed, pulling Levi into a tight embrace. “I thought you were still sleeping,” he murmurs as Levi inhales the man’s scent, his hand going straight for Erwin’s neck again, feeling the pulse that calms him down.

_Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. _

Erwin’s alive. He’s well. He’s here.

“Are you okay, baby?” Erwin enquires and Levi nods. “Then answer me properly, boy…” the blond adds a little bit admonishingly and Levi immediately complies.

“I’m,” he starts, having to clear his throat, “I-I’m okay now.”

“Wonderful,” Erwin coos. “Are you hungry?” he asks, slowly letting go of Levi and leaning back so that he can look into his boy’s face. Levi nods and Erwin’s smiles. “That’s good,” he says, “Nan’s just about to start making breakfast. Let’s get you bathed and dressed and then we’ll join them in the kitchen. All right?”

“…are… are we the only ones who stayed overnight?” Levi enquires, dreading a big breakfast with people he barely knows, who’ll ask him questions, and who will look at him strangely and who will…

“Hange and Moblit also didn’t make it home,” Erwin answers chuckling, “but that’s it.” And Levi is relieved.

He likes Hange. He likes Moblit. And he is glad both of them also don’t remember their past lives. The other world. The titans. Their death. Levi’s horrific decision on that rooftop.

“Come now,” Erwin instructs, pushing away the duvet Levi’s draped around his body, laying his skin bare, taking Levi’s hand and helping him off the bed. He walks over to the pile of clothes and picks up a big towel on top of it, wrapping it around Levi’s body, taking the rest of garments with him, leading Levi down the hall to the bathroom. 

He makes him get into the tub, sit down in it, using the shower head to wet Levi’s skin. He washes his hair and body, rinses off the foam, dries his hair and helps him to get dressed – because Levi’s feeling so utterly weak, like he hasn’t eaten anything in days. He doesn’t protest as Erwin puts him in a pair of dark panties, clearly borrowed from Nanaba’s wardrobe, because any of Mike’s clothes would be way too big. And then again Erwin likes putting Levi into female’s underwear and that’s fine. He can do whatever he wants. Levi belongs to him. That’s why he also doesn’t say anything when Erwin helps him into the tight pair of silver leggings and pulls a fluffy pink, wonderfully warm pullover over his head, ending the dressing ritual with putting thick, cotton socks over Levi’s feet and helping him slip into the very prominent pair of rosy slippers in the shape of bunnies. 

“You’re so cute,” Erwin says in a very warm and satisfied fashion as he lets his gaze wander over Levi’s form after he’s combed his hair. “Let’s go and get breakfast, shall we?”

“Yes,” Levi answers – because he’d follow Erwin Smith anywhere.

And as they start descending the stairs, Erwin suddenly stops and turns around. Their eyes meet and Levi can’t decipher his man’s intense gaze. “Levi,” Erwin addressed him.

“Yes?” he answers, nervousness infecting his internal system.

“We’re going to Zackly tomorrow,” his man informs him, “I think you need stronger medication,” Erwin states.

Levi swallows. “Yes,” he answers. Because Erwin knows best. And he can do anything he wants. Because in this life, _Erwin_ makes the decisions. All of them. And Levi wouldn’t have it any other way. “I love you,” he says. And Erwin smiles. And it’s beautiful.


	3. Chapter 3

Nanaba’s at the stove, frying eggs and bacon, when Erwin and Levi enter the kitchen. The fair-haired woman turns around almost instantly to greet them with a friendly smile on her face. “You look so cute in this Levi!” she exclaims. “Did you rest well?”

“Yes, thank you,” he answers, reciprocating the smile, and Erwin’s pleased, his fingers threading gently through Levi’s undercut.

“Sit down,” he tells him, pointing to a chair at the set table, swiftly occupying the seat right next to his boy, to Levi’s right side, putting his arm around the raven’s slender shoulders, and Levi instantly relaxes.

“You want some orange juice?” Erwin asks and Levi nods.

“Yes, please.”

“All right,” he says pouring him a glass with his free hand. “Tea?”

Levi nods again. “Yes, please.”

“All right,” Erwin says, and that’s the moment Mike enters the kitchen.

“Mornin’,” he greets them all, walking over to Nanaba to give her a peck on the cheek, then lets himself slump down onto the chair opposite of Erwin, groaning.

“Hungover?” Erwin teases while he pours Levi a cup of Earl Grey, and Mike huffs out a laugh.

“No,” he answers, smirking – obviously lying. “You?” he counters in an amused fashion, eyes focussing shortly on Levi before they move back to Erwin. 

“No,” the blond answers, calmly, “I barely drank anything,” he adds – and Levi isn’t sure whether his man is lying, too, or whether he is telling the truth. He definitely smelled of alcohol when he touched Levi… _when he fucked him_. Or did Levi’s imagination run wild?

Mike laughs. “Yeah, right,” the man scoffs, reaching for the pot containing the coffee to pour himself some, “you had Martini after Martini, asshole,” he teases, “don’t fucking bullshit me.”

Levi takes a sip of the tea and risks a glance at his man. Erwin’s grinning smugly. “I _didn’t_ have _Martini after Martini_, because – unlike you – I was very wise and remembered to drink a lot of water between my drinks. But let’s say I was a little bit… _tipsy_.”

Mike chuckles. “Tipsy my ass…”

“Compared to _your_ drunk ass Erwin definitely was nearly sober,” Nanaba joins into the conversation setting down the two big hot pans containing eggs and bacon and Levi likes the fact that the woman is defending his man, even if it is just in jest. “Dig in honey,” she tells Levi, offering him a broad smile, which Levi reciprocates again, watching the fair-haired woman smirk at her pouting husband next, after which the two of them exchange a chaste and quick kiss – and his heart skips a beat. 

Because even if he has seen them like this a lot of times already, it totally hits him again in this moment: the realisation that in this world Mike and Nanaba can finally be together. 

They can be together _happily_: alive, breathing, smiling, laughing. 

They can be a family without any major concerns, having parties with their friends, arguing over what colour to paint the walls of their bedroom and who should clean the bathroom, which store to pick for their next grocery shopping, which movie to watch, making fun of each other for being drunk the previous night, not worrying about whether one of them will die the next time they set out beyond the walls, whether each moment they spend together could be their last, their conversation a final one. 

Because there are no walls. No expeditions. No titans to fight. 

…and he is so glad that Mike and Nanaba _also_ don’t remember anything about that horrific time and still found each other in this universe, that they found their friends, comrades, their commander, their…

“Cucumber?” Erwin asks.

“Yes,” Levi replies and Erwin places some onto his plate. Then, the blond doesn’t ask him anymore, but simply prepares the food for his boy. Two eggs, no bacon, a slice of whole wheat bread with a very little amount of butter, a little bit of cheese and ham. 

“Eat up,” Erwin tells him, and Levi smiles, and the moment he starts eating Hange bursts into the kitchen, making Mike flinch in his seat and almost spill his coffee. 

“Why the fuck did you let me drink tequila?!” they scream, pointing their accusatory finger at Mika, Nanaba, then at Erwin. “What the fuck have you been thinking? I mean, for the love of god: tequila?!”

Nanaba begins to giggle and the two blond men smirk. 

Moblit _doesn’t_. 

He looks like a zombie as he enters the kitchen. “You made _yourself_ drink tequila, honey,” he mumbles, sitting down to Erwin’s right side, exchanging faint greetings with everyone else. “I tried to stop you,” the man continues to explain, while pouring himself some coffee, “but when I didn’t want to give it to you, you just jumped behind the bar and grabbed the bottle yourself and threatened to hit with me with it, if I try to get between you and the shots…” he adds, shrugging – and Mike and Erwin begin to laugh, while Hange groans, and lets themselves slump down onto the chair opposite of Levi, Nanaba petting their hair as she passes by to put some more bread and toast onto the big table.

Levi can’t suppress a grin. 

He loves Hange’s crazy, energetic side, loves it when they’re drunk, and start dancing wildly or try to play pranks on people, start to sing, and he somehow wishes he could have seen what the red-haired did yesterday night – but he knows he wasn’t in the right mind set after his panic attack, that there were just too many strangers present for Levi to fully relax. He knows that knocking him out with the meds and making him go to sleep was the best choice, and he is grateful for Erwin’s decision. After all: the man knows best when it comes to Levi.

“I am never drinking again,” Hange bemoans and their friends laugh some more.

“I’ve heard that a thousand times by now,” Erwin comments amused and Mike snorts, while Nanaba hands Hange a glass with bubbling substance.

“Alka-Seltzer,” she explains, winking, and Hange blows her a kiss.

“You’re a darling,” they say and down the anti-hangover concoction in one go, gasping loudly for air afterwards. Then, Hange’s eyes settle on Levi, who’s munching on his cucumber slices. “Levi,” they address him and Erwin immediately puts his hand onto Levi’s thigh, turning his head to face Hange as well – and it’s instantly comforting for the raven, knowing Erwin can steer the conversation, intercept and guide him. “How did you sleep? How do you feel?”

“Um… good,” Levi replies after he swallows down his piece of cucumber, “I slept really… good.”

“That’s lovely!” Hange chirps. “By the way, in case Erwin hasn’t told you yet: I’m the pool champion!” they exclaim proudly and Levi smiles.

“That’s great, Hange, congratulations!” he says, immediately turning his head to face Erwin, “though, I am sorry for you…” he adds quickly, not wanting to anger his man in any way, but the blond man just smiles. 

“That was a well-deserved victory for Hange,” he explains calmly, rubbing circles onto Levi’s thigh, “but now eat up darling,” he tells Levi, pointing to his boy’s plate. “You said you were hungry, and you’re not leaving the table until everything on this plate is in your tummy.”

Levi swallows dryly. 

Erwin’s right, of course, and he was, indeed, hungry. But he isn’t sure whether _all of this_ will fit into his stomach, the feeling of being full already setting in, and he hasn’t even finished the first egg. “I-I’ll try…” he answers – and that’s the moment Erwin’s hand stills and one of those bushy brows flinches slightly; a faint signal of annoyance.

“You’ll _try_…?” Erwin picks up his words, and Levi’s heart begins hammering in his chest, and he’s asking himself again, what the hell has gotten into him.

“I-I, I mean I will,” he corrects himself, and Erwin’s fingers begin to move in a circular fashion on top of his thigh again, making Levi feel instantly relieved.

Erwin nods. “That’s better,” he says, and when Levi dares to look shortly at Hange, they are nodding too.

“Erwin’s right, Levi,” Hange says, “you need to eat more. You’re skinnier than the last time I saw you. You definitely need to put on some weight.” 

“His medication’s been suppressing his appetite a bit more lately,” Erwin supplies.

“I figured,” says Hange unsurprised, “and that’s really tough. So listen to your man when he tells you to eat up,” they add, smiling, and this time Levi nods. Because both Hange and Erwin are right.

“I will,” he says, and stuffs some more of the egg and bread into his mouth.

“Good boy…” Erwin murmurs, stroking Levi’s thigh tenderly, and Levi gives it his best, and stuffs his mouth and stomach with the lovely breakfast food – _that tastes like shit_. Because his gustatory nerves don’t seem to function properly this morning, _and_: he is already so fucking full – and there’s still some egg and bread on his plate left when everybody else is already finished. Everyone but him, and he feels Erwin’s eyes resting on him and can’t dare to look up and into his man’s face, who has put his arm back around his shoulders, and who won’t let him get up unless Levi has finished his food.

And it’s making Levi feel nervous and agitated, and he’s beginning to sweat, because his bladder is full and the urge to go to the loo is beginning to become more prominent with each passing moment, and there’s still this big chunk of egg left, and those two bites of the dark bread; and it’s really not much, but when he looks at the food he just feels sick, terribly sick. He feels like gagging, vomiting, but he knows he has to finish this breakfast, because Erwin is right, and he needs to gain weight, and this portion really wasn’t too big to begin with, so why can’t he just fucking eat it? Why can’t he be like a normal person with a normal appetite? Why must he be this way? Why must he be the prick on meds controlling his moods, needs and wants, getting on everybody’s nerves and making even the simplest things a challenge? 

_Because he can’t handle his life without medication. _

Levi can’t think of a day in his life _without_ taking pills.

In this world, he’s been on meds almost all his life.

He remembered the titans, his existence in the underground and later as captain of the Survey Corps at Erwin’s side, when he was only six years old. A life full of terror, murder, war, blood, sacrifice, sex and sorrow was suddenly dropped onto him, the memories unleashed all at once in his head, as if a well-hidden and locked box had suddenly detonated. 

The cause for the mental explosion was a simple one: A piece of jewellery he saw in a book his mother had given him for Christmas, with lots of pictures of cowboys. One of them, a blond man, was wearing a green bolo tie – that was the first moment in this life in which he murmured Erwin’s name. And with it came the trauma. The pain. The guilt. And the confusion.

His mother, wasn’t his mother: The woman trying to calm him down was not Kuchel – and it hurt and irritated him, and made him almost go crazy. Not. Not almost. It truly _did_ make him go mad.

At first, the doctors said, it were night terrors, and that they would pass, that Levi had a very wild and yes, somewhat disturbing imagination for his age, and that his mother should watch him more closely because he had probably seen horror movies he wasn’t supposed to watch and they had a bad influence on him, giving them some mild medications to take home to calm him down. But those memories were no night terrors and their horrific impact on Levi did not pass. It got worse. So much worse.

When he was almost seven, his mother and grandparents were finally on a path to convincing him his memories weren’t real, with daily talks lasting for hours and hours, with Levi throwing a tantrum and him crying horrifically, with each of those ‘conversations’ making each involved family member tired and exhausted – and then, as it finally seemed to get better, he met Zeke. 

Out of all possible people from his old life it just had to be _Zeke_. 

In this life, this bastard was his new homeroom teacher. And the asshole had no idea who he truly was, seemed to have to memory of his past existence, and had the audacity to smile at Levi, touch his shoulder and tell him it would all be all right. And he lost it. Levi _lost_ it. He managed to break the man’s nose, jumping at him with a rock in his hand, screaming and crying – and this is how his hell ride began.

It’s all a blur now. 

There were so many therapists, so many foster families because his biological mother couldn’t handle him anymore, so many hospitals, so much pain and darkness and despair, as he searched for Erwin and couldn’t find him, so many pills and injections, so many diagnoses, schizophrenia, depression, borderline, anorexia, social phobia, OCD, and many more Levi doesn’t remember, so many days and months spent locked up in institutions because he couldn’t control his temper, because he self-harmed, because he almost starved himself to his death, because he almost burnt down his apartment.

And then finally, after so many years, Levi got… better. Or rather: Life became _tolerable_. 

He was miserable as fuck, but not suicidal anymore, living on welfare benefits and earning a little bit of his own pocket money with cleaning jobs when he turned 28. Not having finished school he didn’t have many options, but he was fine with it. He had liked cleaning in his previous life, he still did in his new one. 

Levi, at some point, had accepted that in this world, except for Zeke, he wouldn’t meet any of the other people, any of his comrades, his commander – and he had tried with posting in a few forums on the internet, ending up being called a fake and being degraded verbally, deleting everything quickly again, and he couldn’t afford travelling – and at some point he had started to be okay with this, accepting this circumstance as his punishment for letting Erwin die, drowning his sorrow in cheap whisky from the discounter supermarket in the evenings, trying to just _survive_, live through to another die, until he’d finally die.

And then one day, as he was coming back from a cleaning job, he walked right into Erwin, making the man, a history professor, drop all of his papers onto the pavement on that autumn day – and another detonation took place in Levi’s heart.

“Levi,” Erwin’s edifying voice brings him back into here and now, facing the unfinished plate, realising that Nanaba has already started to clear the table with the help of Hange and Moblit. “Eat up, boy,” Erwin scolds him, his voice low and menacing, and Levi’s bladder – it’s killing him.

“M-may… may I please go to the toilet first?” he asks Erwin in a whisper, finally daring to look into his boyfriend’s face, and instantly wishes he hadn’t – because Erwin doesn’t look pleased at all, furrowing his brows as he is looking into Levi’s eyes.

“No,” the blond tells him firmly, shaking his head for emphasis, pointing to Levi’s plate. “I told you, you won’t be leaving the table until you finish your food. Did you not listen to me?”

“I, n-no, I did listen, it’s just that… _I really need to go to the toilet_…” Levi whispers, his voice agitated, “m-may I, Erwin? I will eat this when I come back.”

“No,” Erwin repeats, this time even colder and sterner than before, and Levi’s heart aches, and his nervousness is becoming stronger. “Finish your breakfast,” Erwin says, once again pointing to the portion on Levi’s plate, and he’s louder this time. “_Now_, Levi.”

That’s the moment the raven feels Mike’s gaze resting on him. And then the tall man even interferes. “For fuck’s sake, Erwin, it’s really not a big deal if he doesn’t finish his breakfast.”

“Mike,” Erwin reprimands him, “it _is_ a big deal. Look at him, how freaking skinny he is. Darius told me to keep a close watch on Levi’s meals and force him to eat if I have to, because the pills sometimes have a tendency to influence his appetite, so don’t interfere, okay?”

“…sorry,” the man says, sounding a bit sour, raising both of his hands, but his gaze lingers on Levi, and then he sighs, “I’m sorry, I keep forgetting the meds thing,” he adds a little calmer, and Levi feels embarrassed, even though he shouldn’t really, because Levi’s status of health, his therapy and him being on meds isn’t a secret in this group of friends. They all know, and he doesn’t really have the energy right now to be contemplating this matter, because it feels as if his bladder is about to explode, and he has no other choice than to stuff this food down his throat, if he wants to relieve himself – and so this is exactly what he does, digging in for real, devouring the bread and the egg, as if he has never seen food before; quick and savage, and the deal is done. His plate is empty. He shows it to Erwin, who is nodding – and Levi must admit that this contented smile on his man’s face makes him feel… _proud_.

“You may go to the toilet now,” Erwin tells him, and Levi runs. He runs as if he was running away from a titan, groaning when he finally takes his dick out and does his business. 

“Oh god…”

He feels so good. So, so good…

…but then his stomach’s suddenly twisting, and he feels the taste of acid on his tongue, and his tummy’s convulsing and he knows he’s about to vomit, and he nearly freaks out, his heart hammering quickly and loudly in his chest, unpleasant goosebumps spreading all over his skin even though he is warm, as he sinks down into his knees, and he covers his mouth with his hand, closing his eyes, trying to ignore the urge to just fucking let go and empty his overstuffed stomach, but he’s fighting it, fighting it so hard, his other hand clasping the toilet with his knuckles going white, because Erwin told him to eat up, Erwin told him he needs to gain weight and Erwin’s right and, god, he would be so upset if Levi puked it all out, and this is why he is shouting at himself internally, screaming, screeching, trying to just fucking swallow the acid filling his mouth down, trying to think about different stuff, nice things, how Erwin will take him on a walk into the fields once they’re home because it’s cold but beautifully sunny and how he will wrap his body up with his favourite woollen blankets when they make themselves comfortable in their living room afterwards, how Erwin will light a fire and tell him how proud he is that Levi’s finished his breakfast and then…

And then Levi loses the fight against the sickness – _and he vomits_. 

And it’s terrifying.

It’s disgusting, the spew burning in his throat, the obnoxious taste in his mouth making him feel sick again and puke even more, until there is nothing left in his stomach to let out, but his body is still convulsing and he is spitting out bile and saliva, and it hurts, and he can’t stop the tears from pouring from his eyes, because he’s upset, because _Erwin_ will be upset. _Again_.

He’s done it. 

Not even a _day_ has passed and he’s already upset his man again. How in the hell is he going to face him? 

As the stench of his vomit infiltrates Levi’s nose, his stomach turns repeatedly, and he starts puking again, spitting more bile into the toilet, his head throbbing as if this was the beginning of a migraine, and he can’t stop crying, because he realises he’s stained the lovely pink pullover Nanaba’s provided for him to wear, and he feels so bad, so ashamed. So bad and useless.

He’s a nuisance.  
A disappointment.  
Levi’s nothing but a trouble maker.  
He’s fucked up Erwin’s evening, now he’s fucking up his morning, too.  
Embarrassing him in front of his friends like this. Over and over again.

He flushes the toilet several times, watching the disgusting pieces of breakfast food Nanaba’s cooked for her guests with lots of love disappear down the drain pipe, turning into a now abhorrent feast for the rats in the underground.

_The underground. _

Levi feels even more dizzy as memories of growing up in the dark invade his mind, and he’s trying so hard to let go, scrubbing the toilet with the little plastic brush as if there was no tomorrow, trying to get rid of all the stains left behind, stumbling over to the sink next to wash the grime, the specks of sick, off his face, splashing it with cold water and the foamy hand soap over and over again, rinsing his mouth out, but it’s not enough; he needs a tooth brush and tooth paste, but the one he’s used is in the bathroom upstairs and maybe even already disposed of and—

There’s knock on the door, and Levi freezes, holding his breath, the only remaining sound being the faucet still running. “Baby, are you all right?” Erwin asks from the other side of the door, and Levi’s chest aches immediately, and he feels trapped, and he’s confused and nervous and helpless and in fear; Levi’s terrified and he doesn’t want Erwin to see him like this, doesn’t want to upset him, and on the other hand he doesn’t want to lie to his man, won’t lie to him, and he longs for Erwin to step in and pull him into a tight embrace, telling him it’ll be all right. But will it be? _Will it_? 

He hates himself, but he can’t control it: a sob breaks out of his mouth, and that’s enough for Erwin. He pushes the handle down – but the door won’t open. Because Levi’s locked it. And it makes Erwin snap. 

“Open the bloody door, Levi!” he bellows, slamming his hand against the wood a couple of times, and it makes the door buckle and Levi jump, and his heart skip several beats, makes his throat ache again, as if more vomit was passing through it, makes him almost slip on the little bath rug placed on the floor as he rushed over to turn the lock – Erwin rips the door open as soon as he hears the distinct clicking sound and his two angry eyes pierce Levi. But there’s also worry and concern written all over his handsome face, and Levi presses his lips together. 

“Why did you lock the door?” is the first enquire made by the blond, who’s stepping into the room and closing the door behind him again, and Levi gasps, because he feels so bad – he is _never_ supposed to lock bathroom doors, he’s _forbidden_ to lock bathroom doors, he knows, it’s for his own safety, Erwin’s drilled it into his head over and over again after Levi’s collapsed once and Erwin had to break the door down to get to him, almost suffering a heart attack because he was so worried, but something’s so wrong with his mind today, something was wrong with it yesterday, heck, the whole fucking week; he hasn’t been thinking properly, his brained marred with all those memories suddenly resurfacing, memories he is usually good at containing at the bottom, where they belong. And now they’re fucking up his actions, fucking up his duties towards Erwin, and thus, he keeps upsetting and angering the man. _He’s the worst. _

“I-I’m so sorry, Erwin, I… I d-didn’t even… I didn’t realize, I-I locked it I swear, I—“

Erwin’s looking around sniffing the air, and Levi holds his breath and instinctively covers his horrid mouth oozing the putrid stench that still lingers in the small room, and as the blond man shifts his gaze to focus on Levi again, Erwin’s facial expression softens. “Did you vomit?” he asks him, his voice calmer and more tender then before, and it just rips Levi apart, because he feels so, so, so bad about this.

He’s nodding, sobbing and sniffling again. “I’m sorry…” he manages to choke out, and Erwin’s face is so tender when he sighs gently. 

“Come here, baby…” he says, holding out his hands, but Levi shakes his head.

“I-I smell,” he states, “a-a-and I… I… got sick onto Nana’s pullover…” more tears start to form in his eyes because he feels so embarrassed and… and puking over somebody else’s clothes is just so ungrateful, puking out the breakfast someone else has prepared for you, it’s… it isn’t polite, it’s, it’s horrible, it’s shameful, and—

“C’mon,” Erwin prompts, taking a step closer, grabbing the pink pullover, pulling it over Levi’s head and discarding it onto the floor, “I’ll get you to the bath upstairs where you can brush your teeth, maybe take another shower? Will this help you?”

Levi blinks, and Erwin uses both of his thumbs to brush away the tears from his cheeks. The raven-haired man is confused. “A-aren’t… aren’t you cross with me?” he asks, his words not more than a whisper, and Erwin sighs again, pressing his lips onto Levi’s forehead. 

“I’m angry at you because you locked the door,” he replies calmly, looking into his boy’s eyes, while he cups his cheeks, “I’m not angry for you puking. Unless…” he says, frowning and making a little pause, “you didn’t make yourself sick, _did you_, Levi?”

“No!” Levi immediately answers, shaking his head vehemently. “No, Erwin. No, I didn’t, I swear, it… it just happened, and I, I tried to hold it back, but—“

“Shhh…” Erwin makes, placing one of his big thumbs on Levi’s lips, “it’s okay, darling. It’s my fault.”

“…no…” Levi protests, but Erwin is shaking his head, a means of telling Levi he isn’t right. And Erwin knows best. _Doesn’t he_?

“I put too much on your plate,” Erwin says, carding his fingers through Levi’s hair, offering a faint smile, “I’m sorry, little one. I guess one egg and half a slice of bread would’ve been enough for breakfast. I’m sorry, it’s just… that I worry about you, and you lost quite some weight over the past few months, and it just puts me under a lot of stress. I wasn’t thinking, will you forgive me?”

“I-I-It’s not your fault,” Levi protest, “y-you need to forgive me! Please. I-it really wasn’t much, and I shouldn’t have waited so long with eating, i-if I had eaten in a n-normal pace, I would have been done before n-needing to p-pee, a-and th-then I wouldn’t h-have stuffed myself, and then I-I wouldn’t have had to puke, and… please don’t be mad, I r-really wanted to eat it all up and I-I d-din’t want to vomit, please, Erwin, _please don’t be mad…!_ I don’t want to upset you and stress you, please… _please don’t be mad… please forgive me…_”

Erwin’s smiling gently, fingers still carding through Levi’s hair. He presses another light kiss onto the raven’s forehead. “I forgive you, baby boy…” he coos, his lips brushing Levi’s temple, “it’s okay, I’m not mad. Okay? Let’s get you cleaned up and let’s go home. You need to take your meds. And how about this: I’ll take you on a nice walk and then I will make you a light and _very_ small lunch after, hm? And you will eat a little, and everything will be fine again, okay?”

Levi’s nodding, eyes glued to Erwin, his saviour, his lover, who isn’t cross with him, who forgave him, who isn’t mad or disappointed, but gentle and kind, carrying him up the stairs and into the bathroom, watching him brush his teeth, leaving him alone for only a few minutes in which he organises a different pullover for Levi to wear, something purple this time, and it’s nice, and Erwin keeps telling him that Nan isn’t mad at all for getting the pink garment dirty, and the woman tells him so herself when she drives them home, because Erwin doesn’t want Levi to sit in a cab in the state that he is in, with a stranger driving them through town in a foreign car, and Levi is so grateful for Erwin’s consideration and Nanaba’s willingness to get behind the wheel and bring them to the outskirts of town, and when he gets out of her Nissan and breathes in the nice, fresh air wafting over from the fields and his eyes settle on their cosy and secluded house at the very end of the road next to a row of high pine trees, he finally truly relaxes.

Erwin makes him take his meds, a handful of pills Levi keeps losing track of, but that’s okay, because Erwin manages his medication, the antidepressants and whatnot Zackly has prescribed him. Erwin knows what Levi has to put into his system, what is supposed to make him feel better, aid him, and he makes sure his boy gets everything he needs at the right time.

The man helps him to change into thicker garments, wraps a red scarf around his neck and puts a beanie onto his head – and then they set out, walk through the fields right behind their house, hand in hand, and Erwin tells him about the past evening, when they all sang a song for Mike with Hange being the loudest – and off-key, of course – and how they beat everyone at pool and made some of Mike’s other guest drink tequila with them and fall off the bar stools in a drunken state, how he and Mike started playing chess at one point and had everybody gathered around them because it was such an interesting match, and Levi listens. He listens to every word pouring from Erwin’s mouth, the sun warming his cheeks, while he breathes in the cold air, and it’s a beautiful walk.

But something inside of him is still bugging him.

Erwin cooks a very light and late lunch: potatoes with sour cream and steamed veggies. As promised, he serves Levi a small portion. One the raven finishes without any problem. “It’s tasty,” he says, and Erwin gives him a wonderful smile. One that makes a fire ignite inside of Levi.

But something’s still bugging him.

Erwin lights a fire and puts a thick woollen blanket around Levi’s slender body, letting his boy lean against him while he is reading his favourite weekly newspaper, and it’s super warm and cosy and quiet and peaceful.

And yet…

And yet Levi cannot fully relax, because something is still bugging him, and he can’t let go of it, and he can’t control it, the anxiety he feels starting to spread inside of him, infecting every vein, making something cold stir inside of his belly and his hand reach absent-mindedly to Erwin’s chest, feeling for the man’s heartbeat, grasping the fabric of his shirt a little roughly.

Erwin sighs, putting away the paper, and Levi swallows. The man places his big hand on top of Levi’s head, stroking his dark strands tenderly. “Are you still thinking about _the other life_?” he asks.

Levi bites his bottom lip, and he wishes he could answer this question with a ‘no’ – but that would be a lie. And he doesn’t lie to Erwin. “Yes,” he thus confesses, and it hurts to have Erwin sighing again. But he gets it, he really does. Because he is sick and tired of it, too. Of those oppressing memories ruining his life – a dark imagination, hallucinations, fictitious concepts created by his anxious mind to Erwin.

“You’ve been thinking about it quite a lot recently, haven’t you?”

“…yes…” Levi admits, his stomach twisting, but in a different way than it did in the bathroom this morning.

“How come?” Erwin asks – and Levi has no answer. Last month he went with just one short episode. It lasted just a few seconds, and Levi was able to shake it off pretty quickly. But now… “Maybe I shouldn’t have taken you to Mike’s party,” Erwin muses. “The thought of this many strangers in one room made you anxious the second I told you about it.”

Erwin’s right. And maybe this really did have an effect on him. But maybe it’s also the fact of being together with all of them: Erwin, Mike, Nanaba, Hange and Moblit in one room. Maybe this is the reason? Just thinking about them has his mind running on overload again, seeing so many scenes unfold in front of his inner eye, his chest starts to ache and he tenses up, and his fingers dig further into Erwin’s shirt and—

“Levi,” Erwin starts speaking to him in a calm manner, his fingertips now caressing his face, “do you need me to _ground_ you? Calm you down? Get you to refocus?”

Levi swallows. “…yes…” he then breathes out, his eyes closed and lips trembling slightly.

Erwin sighs again, grabbing Levi’s shoulder. Gently, he makes his boy sit up. “Look at me,” he says and Levi opens his eyes, still not letting go of his man’s chest. “You know I don’t like hurting you, that’s why I will ask you again: Do you need me to ground you?”

“Yes,” Levi breathes out again, nodding.

Erwin nods slowly. “Fine. If there is no other way…” Levi shakes his head gently, while they look at each other. Then, Erwin cups his face with his right hand, his thumb rubbing softly over Levi’s cheek. “Cane or ruler?”

“You choose,” Levi answers, voice almost not audible, and Erwin sighs before answering.

“Then get the cane, boy – and strip,” he then tells him sternly – and Levi obeys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to quickly say THANK YOU for all your comments on this platform as well as via Twitter, you made my day! And as you can see, I keep changing the number of chapters, because obviously I am not able to write something SUPER short. I still have a few scenes to place, so right now I am planning for five chapter. But... you never know ;-) 
> 
> THANK YOU FOR READING!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for your feedback via different channels! I am always looking forward to your thoughts, and if you drop a comment here, be sure you are making my day :-)
> 
> Something nice first:
> 
> The wonderful D'oki has drawn a wonderful piece of art and it's the PERFECT cover for this story, I am still crying a little looking at it, and you should definitely check it out:  
https://twitter.com/Eruvin_Smisu/status/1191541676503896066?s=20
> 
> And now a little "warning" - this chapter contains domestic violence. So please proceed with caution - this applies to the whole of the fic, but if you have made it so far, I guess you are well aware of this by now. Also: We are travelling back in time, so "enjoy" this flashback.

Erwin doesn’t like to resort to violence – outside of sex. Their intercourse he enjoys to be rough, whereas punishing Levi physically is a rarity. The raven remembers every single incident – because throughout the five years he’s been with Erwin, there have only been a few of those; the first one approximately after they’d been together for almost a year. When Levi totally fucked up. _When he made his last decision. _

Erwin had gotten him a part-time job at the university, which he still has today, and one evening he finished his cleaning and janitorial duties at the East wing – _Erwin’s_ wing – faster than expected. Instead of waiting by the car for his man, like he was supposed to, something made him walk up to the big room Erwin held that day’s last lecture in, wanting to pick him up, to surprise the blond, make him happy, maybe.

But he failed. 

Erwin’s class was already over when Levi approached the doors, yet a handful of students had stayed behind, and as he heard their laughter and friendly chatter mix with his boyfriend’s gentle tone, he froze and stayed right in front of the opened doors, out of view, hidden from the people inside, carefully peeking into the open space and taking a look at the three students surrounding Erwin as if he was their life-giving light – when he was _Levi’s_ life-giving light.

His man was leaning casually against the desk, hands crossed over his chest, lips pulled into a handsome smile, obviously enjoying the attention and conversation with the young people so evidently looking up to their blond professor. And in the very first seconds Levi started to _panic_, because his mind made him see Eren, Armin and Mikasa standing there in the class room; but he was wrong. Levi realised that all the students were men, younger than him, only in the beginnings of their twenties. They all had perfect hair, perfect white teeth, wore nice clothes, seemed to be eloquent and charming. And they were all built well, athletic in fact, like he had once been – _in his other life_. 

Now, Levi was weak and skinny, had dark circles under his eyes for the most days, his hair wasn’t shiny and thick anymore, his skin covered in flaws and… He was the complete opposite of the young people Erwin was smiling at so… so… _gently_, so softly, with that certain energetic glimmer in his eyes that made you want to follow him into the dark pits of hell. He was looking at them with _respect_ and some kind of _adoration_, maybe even slight… _flirtatious intent_?

And then it struck Levi. A dangerous thought. A poisonous thought. Spreading inside of his heart like a wicked virus, knocking the air out of his lungs, making his knees buckle and heart throb inside of his chest, as if someone was stabbing a knife into it.

Seeing Erwin act so… laid-back and easy-going, having so much fun with those young, attractive gentlemen, that seemed to be outgoing, completely normal, _healthy_, with the same interests as their teacher – _Erwin could have them all_. This man was so pretty, so intelligent, so powerful and charismatic… he could have _any_ man he wanted.

Since the beginning there had always been a tiny voice inside of Levi’s head whispering words of doubt into the raven’s ear, asking why Erwin Smith out of all people chose _him_ to be with; the short, skinny, depressed, anti-social freak that he was, with whom he couldn’t have long discussions about Napoleon or Churchill, with whom he couldn’t go out to restaurants often like normal couples did because eating a whole meal in front of strangers, watched by waiters and bartenders, freaked Levi out, with whom he couldn’t go to enjoy his very much loved classical concerts, because being amongst bigger crowds made Levi anxious and with whom he couldn’t travel the world – because being in unfamiliar places for longer periods of time made Levi panic.

_One day_ – the tiny voice said, growing louder that instant, more prominent, nearly booming in his head – _he’s going to be so fed up with your shit, he’s going to leave and replace you. _

With one of those students for instance.  
With someone normal.  
With someone who isn’t a freak.  
Someone who isn’t as fucked up as you are.  
Someone who can give him what he deserves.

And then that voice started controlling his mind, painting stinging sharp pictures of his boyfriend engaging with one of those men he was chatting with, and Levi saw them strolling through the city’s annual autumn fair hand-in-hand, a place so loud and sparkly, full of people and noises, a place Levi feared, and then he saw them riding the rollercoaster together, something he would never do in this life, getting on a plane together next to fly to the other end of the world; he saw Erwin finally reaching his goals of exploring the planet, goals he had not reached because of Levi’s decision on that fucking rooftop in Shinganshina and wouldn’t be able to reach in _this_ life because of the fucked up way Levi was now.

And something inside of him broke, and before he knew it, he was running away, out of the East wing, out of the university, out into the cold October air, leaving the campus, until he couldn’t run anymore because his lungs started to burn and his legs were giving out, and in the darkness, in the typical Northern German drizzle of the fall season, he broke down and fell onto his knees in the mud of the barely lit and by now abandoned playground at the edge of a park, and cried his soul out. 

Until he didn’t have any more tears to shed.  
Until he was shivering from the cold.  
Until all that he could do was sit on the lonely swing, his fingers tightly wound around the metal chains attached to the wooden and splintering, slightly swaying seat, staring at the dark ground.  
Until he almost passed out, his mind overstimulated with all the scenarios of Erwin getting rid of him, leaving him, of his life becoming miserable and lonely again, of once more losing the blond, and he felt the scars on both of his wrists tingle…

And then, suddenly, a bright and stinging light was pointed right at his face and he had to shield his eyes with both of his arms because it fucking hurt him, adrenaline shooting instantly through his body, his mind racing again, asking who the hell it could be, who the fuck would be out in the darkness—

“Erwin!” the man with the flashlight pointing Levi yelled as he came closer, and Levi instantly recognized that voice: _it was Mike_. “Erwin, Moblit!” he yelled behind his shoulder. “Over here, at the playground. I found him!” Mike lowered the flashlight, stopping to blind Levi. “Are you all right, man?” he asked, slowly coming nearer, but Levi was frozen on the spot, couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t answer Mike; and then, just a few moments later, as his vision was still re-adjusting to the darkness, he saw two more lights dancing in the blackness, heard rushing footsteps coming nearer quickly, two men running through puddles and wet mud, cursing – _and one of them was his man_.

Erwin panted, and didn’t give a shit about the filthy ground when he raced over to Levi and fell right to one of his knees right in front of him, his two big hands grabbing Levi’s cheeks, his fingers wet and cold against Levi’s equally frozen skin, and the expression on the man’s face, Erwin’s wide opened, glassy eyes, his parted lips, his agitated breath – they nearly broke Levi in half. 

“Darling, are you okay? _Are you okay, Levi_?” Erwin asked him, his agitated voice full concern. “What are you doing out here, baby? Why didn’t you pick up your phone?” the man kept talking to him, and then Erwin slid out of his thick coat and draped it around Levi’s quivering shoulders. “You’re all cold and wet, baby boy, my sweet, sweet darling,” he continued to mumble, his hands caressing Levi’s hair and face – and when Erwin pressed his soft lips against Levi’s forehead, the dam inside of the raven broke again, and tears started to form in his eyes.

Because to the concoction of fear and terror, a huge portion of new guilt was added.

Erwin had been searching for him, Mike and Moblit had been running around in the cold autumn night to find him, Erwin had been worried. For him. _Because_ of him.

“I’m sorry, Erwin…” he mumbled.

“I was worried sick, Levi,” the man continued, still caressing Levi’s face, sighing, “you can’t just run away like this, honey…”

“I’ll get the car,” said Mike, and Erwin grunted a confirming reply, before turning back to face Levi.

“I’m sorry…” the raven mumbled again, feeling pathetic and small, and still so threatened by those students, those voices inside of his head still influencing him, still whispering those dark and toxic words into his ear, telling him Erwin was fed up, that this was it; _now you’ve done it, made him furious, and he’s sick and tired of worrying about you, looking after you, being there for you, he wants a normal life, and you know he deserves it after everything he went through as the commander of the Survey Corps, after you—_

“Levi,” Erwin said his name with emphasis, bringing the raven to focus on his again, “don’t drift off. Come,” Erwin spoke to him gently, standing up, “I’ll carry you, okay?”

Levi nodded – because there was nothing more beautiful than being carried by Erwin, by those two healthy, strong and protective arms, and he rested his head against Erwin’s, who murmured sweet, calming words to him.

Maybe for the very last time, the voice inside of his head told him.

_“You’re going to be fine. You’re gonna be all right. Everything is going to be okay.” _

Mike drove all of them to the university parking space and Levi couldn’t look him or Moblit in the eye, because he was so ashamed, and he was glad when they parted ways from there, even if he felt bad about feeling this way. Erwin put him into the passenger seat of his big Mercedes Benz SUV and turned on the heating as he slid behind the wheel and started the engine. But he didn’t move the car, and a peculiar silence fell between them. One that made the hairs on the back of Levi’s neck stand up, one that wrecked his nerves, one that made him feel afraid.

“You’re going to tell me what exactly happened, boy, why you ran away,” the man said calmly, yet it was a serious request, “_now_.” And Levi took a big breath, his lips trembling as he began to speak and retell Erwin what he had done and thought and how his psyche and body had reacted, how he had ended up at the playground, not knowing how much time had passed – and he felt terrible and unnerved and agitated. And the worst part… The worst part of it all was that Erwin didn’t say _anything_. 

The man kept silent, driving the big car onto the motorway, not even bothering to put on music. It was an utterly still and tense twenty-minute car ride to the professor’s house and Levi’s inner turmoil was at an all-time high, growing worse with every passing kilometre, with every minute actually. He started sucking his bottom lip, scratching his neck, wiggling his feet, biting his fingernails, and his heart was pounding ferociously in his chest. And when he checked his ignored phone, put into silent mode, it showed him 35 missed calls from Erwin – _and he felt terrible_.

After parking the car in the garage, Erwin still didn’t say anything – and this silent treatment was killing Levi. It was feeding his fears, and he had so many, so many worries mixing in his chest; _Erwin was angry_ – and Levi was convinced the blond would leave him. And that’s why he couldn’t say anything, that’s why he was paralyzed on the inside, wasn’t even able to apologise to his boyfriend, could only follow his man into the house, let him take his way too big coat off the raven’s slender form, walk behind him into the living room and– 

And this is where Erwin finally stopped and turned around, his eyes boring deep into Levi’s, who remained plastered to the spot where he had halted, his head raised, meeting Erwin’s gaze that was making him crumble with every passing second, crushing him, tormenting him.

The stare-down seemed to last forever, even if in reality if were probably just a few seconds in which Erwin just looked at him – and then, raising both of his hands slowly, the man started to feel him up, his fingertips tracing the raven’s soft face, his upper body, his arms, as if he was checking if everything was okay, if Levi wasn’t hurt, if he didn’t have any injuries, and when he was done, having his answer of the dark-haired man being physically fine, _Erwin’s brows furrowed and his eyes darkened_.

Out of nowhere, his right arm flashed out and smacked Levi _hard_ across the face, the sound of skin hitting skin cutting through the silence of the room, the painful and shocking impact making Levi flinch and yell out in surprise and agony. Erwin hit him with so much force, Levi lost his balance and tumbled to the floor, and fear exploded inside of him, his heart beating in his throat, as Erwin grabbed the collar of his blue janitor uniform and practically lifted him back up onto his feet, his fingers gripping the fabric tightly as he walked him back across the room, until Levi’s back and head hit the wall, Erwin’s eyes – almost turned black – staring into the raven’s orbs, the blond man’s face contorted into a mosaic of wrath. 

“We’ve been looking for you for _two_ fucking hours, _Levi_,” he hissed, anger seeping through every word uttered, and then his right hand left the collar of the garment, and Erwin used it to hit him again, his palm crashing into Levi’s face so hard, the raven was sure to be losing a tooth for a second, the flaring pain spreading all over his sensitive skin as if lightning had struck him, making him let out a mewling sound. “Two hours!” Erwin repeated his accusation with a harsh voice – and hit Levi _a third time_, who couldn’t hold back the tears at this moment, and sobbed, right after yelling out his feeling of agony, his cheek throbbing and aching and pulsating.

And that’s the moment Erwin wrapped his arms around him, making Levi gasp out in surprise, and then the blond sank down onto his knees, taking Levi’s limp body with him to the floor, who was still unable to move. “Two hours…” Erwin repeated – but way softer this time, his voice broken and hoarse, as he hugged his little boy tightly, pressing a kiss onto Levi’s temple, over and over again. “Two hours, Levi,” he picked up again, “I didn’t know where you were for two hours. Do you have any idea what that did to my heart? _To my mind?_” he asked him, his fingers digging into Levi’s shoulders as he pressed their bodies so tightly together one might have thought he was trying to make them melt into one. 

And Levi had no idea what to feel – except for the horrendous _guilt_ that was filling every pore of his body, that was making him feel dizzy, bad, ashamed, that was burning him from the inside, like acid, his hands automatically wrapping around Erwin’s body and holding on to the one person on this planet that he could trust and for whom he truly felt something, _so much_, whom he needed _so, so badly_, letting out another sob.

“We’ve been looking all over for you, we’ve all been so freaking scared! I thought…” Erwin’s voice trailed off and he heard the man swallow – and Levi’s heart ached so badly at this moment. “I was fearing for the worst when you disappeared like that. I was just about to inform the police and had Nanaba already calling all the hospitals… Levi… _Don’t fucking ever do this to me again._”

As Erwin said those words, two things happened. The man hugged him even tighter, almost squeezing the air out of the small body, and Levi’s feeling of guilt almost strangled him in that moment – because only then he realised what had truly been going on in Erwin’s mind, what he had done to the man, no matter if Erwin was truly tired of him or not. The blond knew of Levi’s history, his self-harming, his suicide attempts. Of course his mind had jumped to those conclusions when Levi disappeared without a word. And Levi proved to be right.

“You hurt me so much, Levi,” Erwin whispered against the raven’s neck, his hot breath causing shivers to ripple down the small man’s spine, causing his form to tremble and his insides to twist, “I was so scared and confused, I was dreading to find you bleeding out somewhere,” Erwin continued, patting Levi’s back and hair gently, as silent tears fell out of Levi’s eyes – because he was _horrified_ with what he had done to Erwin, the guilt _suffocating_ him. “How could you doubt my feelings for you even for a second? After all I do for you?” the man continued and Levi bit his tongue, the pain in his chest growing with each of Erwin’s words. “How could you silly, silly thing _possibly_ think I was remotely interested in any other man? How could you think I was interested _in my students_?”

Levi sobbed. “I-I-I-I don’t know…” he whined, pressing himself against Erwin, the man’s accusations hurting and comforting at the same time, irritating and soothing. “B-b-because… I-I’m a b-burden…” he tried, and that’s when Erwin turned his head slightly, pressed his lips to Levi’s cheek.

“Who said you are a burden?” he enquired gently.

“…nobody, b-b-but… i-it’s obvious…”

“No, for me it isn’t,” Erwin countered calmly, fingers stroking Levi’s hair, as he shifted to sit in a cross-legged position, pulling Levi onto his legs, cradling him, looking down on him while he held him in a tight embrace. “You’re not a burden, Levi. You’re my boyfriend whom I love very much – and you should _know_ that. Do you think I’m lying to you? Is that it? Do you think I’m a liar?”

“N-no!” Levi vehemently protested, fingers fisting into Erwin’s pullover, as if he was scared Erwin would stand up and leave him on the floor if he didn’t. But Erwin didn’t move, just continued to look deep into Levi’s eyes.

“Then what’s your problem?” he asked and Levi swallowed, looking for the right words, his insides thrown into malicious chaos, the guilt of having scared and hurt Erwin overwhelming him, making his skin crawl and his throat dry out, as if it was the Sahara.

“Y-You d-deserve b-better th-than… that…” he finally choked out – and the silence that followed, with Erwin simply observing him, was the most terrifying thing that could have happened, making Levi feel as if he was falling down a narrow and dark pit to rot there forever; because Erwin was thinking the same. _Wasn’t he? _

What the blond than said, make Levi whine and his face twist into something pathetic and ugly. “I agree,” were the words coming out of Erwin’s mouth, calm and composed, and they pierced Levi’s heart like a sharp and long blade. “Shhhh, darling,” the blond whispered, wiping the new tears from Levi’s face, holding him still with his other strong arm, “I agree that I deserve better,” he continued, still staring into Levi’s blinking eyes, and the raven’s breath hiccupped as he tried to stop another sob from pushing out of his throat, his body beginning to tremble, his stomach twisting, “I deserve an obedient little boy who follows my instructions, who waits for me by the car _when I tell him to_, and who doesn’t loiter in the corridors, misinterpreting everyday conversations, jumping to conclusions that are fucking ridiculous. _That’s_ what I deserve – and I know _you_ can give that to me, Levi. I know you can be good for me, _better_. You just need to try harder,” he added, offering a gentle smile, his fingertips tracing Levi’s jawbone, then threading through his dark hair – and Levi’s heart had begun hammering in his chest, because he had grasped a slight glimmer of hope.

“…a-a-aren’t you…” he tried, his voice so weak and quiet, and Erwin’s look was so expectant it made him instantly feel unnerved. “…aren’t y-y-you,” he tried again, “s-sick of t-taking care of me?”

“What makes you think that?” Erwin enquired, brows raised, and Levi pressed his lips together, not knowing how to continue. 

“…I… I…”

“Did I ever say something like that to you?” Erwin questioned, and Levi shook his head. “Then what makes _you_ say that?” Again, Levi had no idea what to say, sniffled, and his fingers dug deeper into Erwin’s garment. “You silly boy,” Erwin scolded – but his voice was tender, and then he leaned down to press a soft kiss onto Levi’s forehead.

And then suddenly, Erwin grabbed both of Levi’s wrists and pushed him off his lap, pushed him with his back onto the hardwood floor, pinning his arms above the smaller man’s head, mounting him, looming over him, his massive knees placed to either side of Levi’s slim hips, looking down at him, his face so close to Levi’s the raven could feel the blond’s breath on his skin.

“I love you, Levi,” he stated, every word uttered with emphasis – and all Levi could do was pant and swallow another lump in his throat, his eyes watering once more, until he finally found the energy to respond.

“…I love you, too, Erwin… S-s-so very, very much…”

“If you love me this much, then why didn’t you listen to me?” Erwin asked, his voice still gentle, “I told you to wait by the car. You didn’t. This is _not_ what agreed on, Levi,” he told the raven who felt shame rise in his chest and spread across his body like a bush fire. A moment of silence passed, before Erwin began to speak again. “Who makes the decisions, Levi?” he asked him and another crass shiver ran down Levi’s spine.

“…you…” the raven breathed.

“That’s right, pretty boy,” Erwin praised him, “and _why_ do I get to make the decisions?”

“...because I am not… I’m not… of a… sane mind.”

_And because Erwin had died because of his decision. _

“And?”

“…and because I m-make very p-poor decisions…”

_Decisions that hurt him and the people he cherished in this life_.

“…aaand?”

“And because you know what’s best for me.”

“That’s right, Levi,” Erwin purred, leaning down and placing a soft, soft kiss onto the raven’s wet lips – _and it felt wonderful_. “So don’t fucking disobey me,” he breathed against them in the next instant, before pressing his lips back down, making Levi shudder. “You belong to me, remember?”

“Yes…”

_How could he ever forget? _

“You have given yourself to me.”

“Yes.”

_The day he had bumped against him on the street – and way before that, somewhere way beyond the walls. _

“I’m the one who takes care of you.”

“Yes.”

_And it felt so good_.

“I’m the only one who knows how to do that properly, aren’t I?”

“Yes.”

_Erwin was the first person who was truly making him feel better_.

“I’m the only one willing to really take care of you, aren’t I?”

“Yes.”

_Nobody before had really cared. Not even his mother_.

“And you know that everything I do _to_ and _for_ you, is only to _help_ you, right?”

“Yes.”

_Erwin was his saviour. He was selfless, gentle and kind_.

“You need me.”

“Yes.”

_More than air to breathe_.

“Well, I need you too, little darling,” Erwin cooed, locking their lips together once again, letting his tongue slip inside Levi’s mouth, slowly descending, slowly covering Levi’s body with his own, their legs tangling and Erwin’s arms snaking around his form, until he was fully lying on top of him, breaking their kiss, his hot and moist lips placed directly next to Levi’s ear. “Don’t _ever_ run away from me again, Levi,” he breathed into it.

“…I won’t…” the raven managed to whisper, his whole body tensed while at the same time he was relaxed, agitated while and the same time he was calm.

“Don’t _ever_ disobey me again.”

“I won’t…”

“I love you, Levi,” the man repeated, kissing the shell of his ear, “do you believe me?”

“Yes.”

_Even though he had no idea why Erwin felt this way for him. But did it matter? _

“And do you love me, too?”

“Yes. W-with all m-my being.”

Erwin kissed his neck. “Would you do anything for me, Levi?”

“Yes.”

_He’d die for Erwin_.

“_Will_ you do anything for me, Levi?”

“Yes.”

_Everything. Anytime_.

“Good boy, see – you _can_ be good for me, Levi.” 

“Yes.”

_He wanted to be good. So freaking badly_.

The man shifted to be able to look back into his boyfriend’s face. He was smiling. “Sweetheart, if you ever run away like that again… _I will break both of your legs and lock you up_.”

Everything inside of the raven froze for a few seconds, the memory of their conversation before that fateful operation swamping his mind, and he stared at Erwin, his heart thrumming wickedly in his chest, so many questions raging inside of him. Could it be that… Could it be that Erwin _remembered_ and was using the threat Levi had spoken out to the commander…? _Could it be…?_

“I mean it, Levi,” Erwin said, fingers playing with his hair, “I _will_ immobilize you and make sure you won’t be able to make me go through such an ordeal ever again.” And in those blue eyes Levi was able to see two things. One: Erwin did not remember and his threat had nothing to do with their former life, but only with their current situation. Two: The man wasn’t just saying those words – he meant every single one of them directed at the raven, and Levi had not doubt the blond _would_ break his legs. But it didn’t scare him. Because he knew it would never happen. _Because he would never again run away_. “Do you understand?”

“Yes…”

_He did_.

Erwin smiled and kissed his forehead gently. “Okay…” he mumbled, “I’m so glad you’re okay, baby…” He hugged him tightly once again, and Levi realized he was shivering all over. “Come,” Erwin prompted, getting up, pulling Levi along with him, cupping his face gently when they were stood. “I’m sorry I hurt you…” he whispered, eyes focussed on the lightly swollen cheek, looking truly regretful, _and it hurt Levi’s heart_.

“D-don’t be…” he rasped, “I-I deserved that. I h-hurt you first…”

Erwin sighed. “But you won’t ever again… Right, baby boy?”

Levi nodded almost frantically. “I won’t, I swear. I promise.”

Erwin’s lips pulled back into that gorgeous smile that made Levi’s heart flutter. “You make me so happy, Levi,” the man murmured, promptly lifting his boy up with both of his arms, carrying him up the stairs.

Erwin poured them a bath. He washed Levi’s body, his hair, gave him a massage, whispered into his ear how much he loved and needed him in his life, made love to him that night, all slow and tender, opening him up for what felt like for hours, eating him out, sucking him off, rocking into him gently, moaning his name, telling him what a good boy he was when Levi was coming for the second time, and later when Erwin climaxed inside of him.

“_Don’t ever run away again_…” Erwin whispered into his ear, after Levi had taken his medication for the night, the blond adding an extra sleeping pill that was to help Levi relax because Erwin knew how difficult it was for Levi to fall asleep and don’t have nightmares after an incident like this one – and Levi was so grateful, drifting off into a deep slumber, that was, indeed, dreamless and restful and splendid.

And long.

When he woke up, it was dark outside, and for a split second he believed it wasn’t even morning – but it was the early evening _of the next day_. 

He blinked as he sat up and registered Erwin taking clothes out of a few boxes, putting them into his big wardrobe. His clothes. Those were Levi’s clothes. Suddenly, Erwin turned his head, as if he felt somebody was watching him, and when he saw that Levi was up, he smiled. “Hey baby, are you hungry?” he asked, not stopping to store away Levi’s clothes in his space. 

“…wh-what…?” Levi murmured, still kind of confused. That’s the moment Erwin stopped, sighed, smiling lightly, and walked over to the bed, sitting down next to Levi, leaning forward and kissing him chastely on the lips. 

“I just moved you in,” he explained calmly but happily, “Mike and Moblit helped me to get all of your stuff out of your apartment. I have already unpacked all the kitchen utensils, and put your furniture in storage, the cleaning supplies I have left for you to take care of, and the rest of the clothes we can do together. We can also put your TV in here, if you want, and your laptop I put in my study, if you want to look for it later. Okay?”

Levi blinked. _Was this a dream? _

Erwin frowned. “Aren’t you happy, love?” he asked. “I mean, we _have_ talked about wanting to share a house in the future, and after what happened yesterday… I didn’t want to wait anymore. I hope that’s okay?” Levi was dumbfounded and couldn’t speak, his eyes stuck to the opened boxes containing his few possessions. Many of them gifts from Erwin. “I want you to be by my side all the time,” the man continued, his hand stroking Levi’s exposed arm tenderly, making goosebumps erupt all over Levi’s skin, “I want to know you’re safe. I want to keep you close. I want you near me. I want us to be together as much as possible. I want us to be a family. I love you Levi – and the fact that you have doubts about that really hurt me and made me think, and I think living together, me opening up my house for you, welcoming you here, sharing everything I own with you, will help in making you understand just how serious I am about you…”

Levi’s bottom lip quivered, and he couldn’t properly describe the powerful feeling surging through his body like an electrical current, destroying everything else along the way, filling every crevice of Levi’s mind and body with itself – and finally, he understood what he was experiencing.

“You’re not mad love, are you?” Erwin asked him and Levi shifted his gaze to look into those two blue beautiful sapphires – then, he shook his head, his lips pulling into a big, genuine smile.

“I’m happy,” he whispered, “I’m so, so happy, Erwin, thank you!” he exclaimed and his body moved on its own, making the raven literally jump into Erwin’s arms, who welcomed him, chuckling in that charming way of his, his body warm, his strong arms wrapping around Levi’s smaller form protectively. And the voice singing of doubt was killed off in that moment.

“I’m happy, too, little one…” he whispered against Levi’s hair, kissing his head. “I’m so, so happy, too… _So don’t ever leave me_.”

“I won’t,” Levi whispered, kissing Erwin’s cheek, making the man smile so, so beautifully… “I won’t…”

…and god, Levi wishes he could make Erwin smile like that _right now_ – but his man’s expression is tense and stern, when Levi hands him the cane and starts unbuttoning his trousers, until he’s fully naked, standing before the blond in their bedroom, head lowered in shame, feeling bad for making Erwin feel bad; but it’s a must. And both of them know.

What is to follow isn’t punishment.  
It isn’t pleasure either.  
Levi isn’t a masochist.  
And yet he needs the pain.

“Go and stand in front of the mirror,” Erwin commands, and Levi follows his lead, spreads his legs shoulder-width apart and shivers as the blond walks up behind him. Erwin puts his big hand onto Levi’s exposed shoulder and bends down to kiss it. His lips stop at Levi’s ear next and their eyes meet in the mirror. “Remember Levi: you’re the one making me do this.”

“…I know… and I’m sorry…”

And then Erwin moves his hand and the cane swishes through the air and cuts a fine line across Levi's butt – _and Levi screams_.


	5. Chapter 5

The pain explodes on Levi’s skin, reaches the layers underneath it, spreads rapidly across his butt cheeks, like a fire just started, and his whole body flinches as his nerves twitch, a cry of agony leaving his mouth.

“I’m going to give you twenty,” Erwin says calmly, steadying Levi’s upper body with his own, his strong arm wrapped around his torso, his massive hand planted on and supporting Levi’s hip, Levi’s side pressing against his man’s side, “and you’re going to count every hit you receive,” Erwin instructs.

“Yes,” Levi breathes out, looking into the mirror where he meets Erwin’s concentrated, deep gaze, the blue of his orbs resembling steel at that moment. Then, Erwin swings the cane again, and it lands squarely on both of Levi’s buttocks, causing another billow of pain to rush over his flesh, making him yelp, and then quickly spit out the number needed. “One!”

Levi’s fingers wrap around Erwin’s supporting arm, holding onto it as his legs begin to quiver when he receives blow number two, three and four, always counting, always keeping his eyes opened, looking into the mirror, watching his very real, frail body jerk and twitch with every single one of Erwin’s very real hard strokes, looking into his man’s very real eyes when he recites the numbers of the hits his boyfriend has given him.

The pain begins to sink deeper, his skin hot and irritated, tears begin to brim in his eyes and Erwin kisses his temple after hit number ten. 

“I’m hurting just as much as you are, my sweet darling,” he murmurs against his skin, kissing his temple for a second time. Slowly and gently. “You’re not alone, Levi. I’m with you,” the man breathes into his ear while he strokes Levi’s abused butt cheeks carefully with his fingertips, Levi’s skin burning underneath them. He hisses out in pain and their eyes meet in the mirror anew. Erwin’s hand stills. “Maybe I’ll stop now?” he whispers wistfully.

“…you said _twenty_…” Levi chokes out, his whole body trembling because of the cane-induced ache – _but it isn’t enough_. 

He wants more pain. He needs more harm. He hasn’t suffered enough yet. 

The agony, the burning, the stinging – it’s what makes him feel alive. It’s what makes him feel connected to this world. It’s what helps him concentrate on what is important: _this_ Erwin, his obedience towards the man, leaving his memories of his titan-filled life at the bottom of his mind; it helps him to focus on _living_ – not just surviving.

“Ah…“ Erwin sighs, and his lips pull into a lugubrious smile, “I _did_ say twenty…”

“…and you always keep your word…” Levi mumbles and makes his man sigh once more, their eyes once again locking in the mirror.

“I do…” Erwin breathes out faintly, and Levi knows how much his man dislikes hurting him, and he is so thankful for the blond, who presses yet another soft kiss into his temple, to once more overcome his own state of mind to help his boy, give Levi what he needs, even if Erwin is suffering himself while doing so.

That is why the raven-haired is, yet again, overcome by Erwin’s devotion, this man’s love for him and his selflessness as Erwin swings his arm up and then down, making the cane reconnect with Levi’s butt, making the stiff, hard object hit his hot and reddish skin with a loud smack, making the smaller man flinch and yell out in shock and pain, making him cry out the corresponding number of blows. 

“_Eleven!_”

The sting of this hit is intense, bringing more tears to his eyes. 

The next one Levi witnesses in the mirror as he feels it, and it’s so hard, it takes his breath away for just a second. “…_twelve!_” the raven croaks a little bit delayed and then whimpers.

Blow number thirteen hurts hellishly, and Levi feels as if his skin was breaking – and the titans grow smaller, turning into innocent human beings, walking away into the distance.

Stroke number fourteen makes his ass jiggle and sharp pain spread all over his butt and further into his thighs – and the walls all around him begin to crumble.

With the next hit – “_Fifteen!_” – the cane hits the most abused spot on his behind and reignites the raging flames on Levi’s skin – and he feels as if he’s being pulled up into the air by an invisible force, higher and higher, until he can barely see the rooftops of Shigan… Shingan-_what? _

“Sixteen!” Levi cries out at the next strike, his voice cracking, as the fearful stinging spreads across his flesh like a tidal wave – and the outline of a symbol made out of two wings suddenly becomes blurry, Erwin’s warm hand gripping his hip feeling like boiling water.

The final three hits with the hard cane make him scream, mewl, make Levi whine, wince and whimper, and when Erwin’s done and tosses the cane aside, Levi collapses, but doesn’t hit the floor; because Erwin’s there, like he said – he’s with him, Levi’s not alone, and the blond man catches him with both of his arms, carries him swiftly over to the bed, laying him down on his flat stomach, placing a kiss onto his nape. “I’ll be right back, darling,” he murmurs, and Levi grunts something in response, because he doesn’t have the energy to answer properly, his mind too focussed on his pulsating, heated, half-numb skin of his ass, the stinging so intense, it takes up all of his brain’s capacity – _and it’s beautiful_.

Erwin’s back just after a short while, sitting down next to Levi; he can feel the mattress give in. “All right, love,” Erwin murmurs, “I’m going to apply some cooling gel onto your butt,” he warns him gently, but Levi flinches anyway when those gentle hands covered in the substance touch his skin. But only a little. Because the thick fluid feels _wonderfully_ cold, and this feeling mixes with the stinging he still experiences as Erwin’s fingertips brush over the abused spots and slightly irritate the skin, and together, they are a blissful concoction, Erwin’s voice only adding to its alluring qualities.

“Are you feeling better, my love?” he asks him quietly, and Levi nods, his closed eyes opening, taking in the bedroom, _their_ bedroom.

“Yes, thank you, Erwin…”

Erwin’s hand travels up his spine, stroking and caressing tenderly, until it reaches his nape, where the man starts to rub soothing circles onto Levi’s skin. “Where are we, Levi?” he then asks him.

“In our bedroom, in our house in the suburbs of Hamburg, next to the pine trees that made you buy it – because you love their smell.”

“And who am I?”

“You’re Erwin Smith, history professor, you followed in your father’s footsteps and he’s very proud of you. You teach at the university of Hamburg, you are a specialist on the second World War, but also an admirer of Napoleon and Alexander the Great. You write a lot of essays and you dream of publishing a book. You were born and raised in Hamburg. You’re an only child and you love to read and play chess.”

“And who are _you_?”

“I’m Levi Ackerman, born in Bremen. I lived in Kiel and Flensburg and then came to Hamburg with one of my foster families and stayed here. I work part-time at the university as a cleaner and janitor assistant – you got me the job.”

“And who are we to each other?”

“You’re my boyfriend, and my man. I belong to you, I’m your little boy. We live together and you take care of me. You’re my _daddy_, but I don’t call you that way.”

“And how do you feel right now, pretty boy?” Erwin asks calmly.

“…good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I feel good,” Levi says, smiling, enjoying the coldness of the gel soothing the pain, and his soul feels… it feels so light. He feels as if a heavy weight was lifted off of his shoulders, and when Erwin lies down next to him, on his side, his head resting on his bent arm, their faces so close to each other, a divine wave of happiness surges through Levi’s body, and Erwin smiles at him, his hand reaching out thread through his hair, tuck some strands behind his delicate ear.

“I am so glad to hear that, little one,” he tells him, his voice as sweet as honey, and it makes Levi feel almost giddy; after this shitty evening and the sickening morning, this moment feels… _perfect_.

“Thank you for helping me,” Levi murmurs and Erwin’s smile intensifies.

They don’t talk anymore, they just lie there, together, on their bed, and Erwin’s finger card through Levi’s hair, brush over his arm and back, caress his face, touch his lips – until Erwin moves his body closer, his hand gliding over Levi’s undercut, grabbing his strands and carefully tilting his head so that Levi’s lips can meet his, and the kiss is chaste and soft, _but so intense_.

“You’re starting to get cold,” Erwin states, commenting on the goosebumps on Levi’s lower arms, and Levi nods. “Let’s get you under the covers, shall we?”

“Will… Will you come to bed with me?” Levi asks, breathless, as he is shifting on the bed so his man can tuck him in.

“Yes,” Erwin replies gently, “I just need to clean up a little downstairs, but that will only take a minute.”

“Okay.”

Levi waits, all wrapped up in the thick duvet, that is causing a slight burning where the fabric touches his ass; but he’s contented. Calm. He dozes off before Erwin re-enters the bedroom. “Hey, little one,” the blond gently shakes him awake, and Levi blinks at him. Erwin, already dressed in his navy blue pyjamas, offers him a smile, holding out a mug filled with herbal tea for Levi to drink, makes him swallow some pills with it.

“The herbs taste funny,” he comments.

“It’s that new bedtime tea Nanaba’s told me about,” he answers, “I thought we’d try it, she gave me a few bags for you.”

“Oh,” Levi says, smiling, “Nana’s nice.”

“Yes, yes she is,” Erwin answers, “so drink it all up, okay?”

“Okay.”

He sleeps well that night. He has no nightmares. He doesn’t hear his alarm clock.

Wait.

He doesn’t _have_ one – and as always, it’s Erwin who wakes him up gently. Peppering his face with light kisses, until Levi’s laughing, because it tickles. “Good morning, pretty boy,” the blond greets him, voice deep and soothing, “one hour until departure,” he informs him, “off you go to the bath, I await you in the kitchen.”

Erwin makes Levi eat a single slice of bread with a single slice of ham and two slices of cucumber. “Good?” he asks and Levi nods, finishing his breakfast and thus earning that validating, proud smile of his man that makes _him_ feel proud; he doesn’t puke. And he’s sure, this is going to be a good day.

During the drive to university they continue to listen to their audio book. It’s a little ritual of theirs. This time it’s “Gulliver’s travels” and Levi really likes that one. Their timing is perfect, as always, the majority of classes has just started and there aren’t many students running around in the corridors. Still, Levi feels relieved when they reach Erwin’s office and the man closes the door and they’re alone for the time being.

“All right,” Erwin says, going through some files on his desk and checking something on his laptop, “my first class starts in fifteen minutes. I will come back here after my second lecture to check on you.” It’s another ritual: Levi waiting for his short shifts to start in Erwin’s office while the man gives his classes. The blond always checks in with him just before Levi has to start working, to make sure the raven doesn’t miss his shift starting – and to have lunch or a snack with him. “You can watch the series I downloaded for you on Netflix on my tablet, read your book or you can sleep.”

“Okay.”

They share a gentle kiss before Erwin sets off, locking the door, so that no one can walk in on Levi. There’s another set of keys inside of the office for emergency situations – like a fire. And in case Levi needs to slip out to go to the toilet.

Levi decides to watch the show, but falls asleep while doing so. Erwin shakes him awake gently for the second time today. “Hey you,” he says, grinning, and Levi sits up. They share their food at the small coffee table situated right under the window overlooking a small patio where students and staff gather to chat and smoke – and Erwin is proud of Levi for finishing a whole tuna sandwich, and the raven almost feels giddy again because of that.

He slips into his blue uniform before Erwin sees him off with another chaste kiss. The meeting with his boss, the main janitor, and old guy at the beginning of his sixties, is okay. Levi’s used to the man by now – and vice versa. Lukas doesn’t care that Levi is odd, strange, a loner, he cares about the young man fulfilling his duties and is always pleased with Levi’s results. Besides: Lukas harbours a lot respect for Erwin, knows his father, too. Maybe that’s why he’s accepted Levi from the start, doesn’t bother him small talk, cuts straight to the chase and gives him a list with tasks to do.

Changing light bulbs, unclogging a toilet, fixing a door. 

It’s work Levi can carry out without having to speak to people, wearing his beloved Bluetooth earplugs – another one of Erwin’s gifts – listening to calming piano music – a playlist Erwin’s put together for him. He knows when seminars and lectures start and always chooses those slots for some of his work to avoid students and staff as much as possible. And it works.

It’s way after five when Levi waits at Erwin’s car and smiles when he sees the man walking towards him. Erwin’s on his phone, talking to his father, and Levi is glad that in this life—

No.

He swallows the thought of _the other life_, pushes it into the background, focuses on his butt that is still stinging, memories and results of the cane-beating bringing him right back into the here and now.

He’s at the university parking space. He’s a janitor. Erwin’s a professor. They’re in love and safe and happy.

“Yes, dad, I know, but you know that Christmas is Levi’s birthday and we always spend it together – _just_ the _two_ of us,” Erwin says, quickly bending down to place a kiss onto Levi’s forehead, motioning for the raven to climb into the SUV. The blond also gets in, but doesn’t start the vehicle yet, he’s still on the phone. “I don’t care how Angela feels about that,” he says, sounding cold and definite, strict, and Levi doesn’t like the feelings welling in his chest as he listens in on the conversation his boyfriend is having with his father about the man’s wife, the woman he married after Erwin’s mother died, and he’s kind of feeling anxious about it all. “So you’re calling me a cold-hearted bastard?” the blond scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Dad,” he then continues calmly, but seriously, “I’m not having this conversation with you. We won’t be attending the dinner on the 25th and if you turn up here and bring everybody along, I won’t open the door, it’s as easy as that. And I’m not joking. We’ll swing by on Christmas eve, as always, but only shortly, and… no. No, we won’t be staying overnight. Jesus, what has gotten into her? Does she suffer from a terminal disease and has the urge to gather all the family to say goodbye in a big finale? No… No, I don’t think it’s funny, _father_. But you know how much I detest if someone is trying to meddle with my affairs – and that’s exactly what she is doing.”

Erwin sighs and shoots Levi an apologetic smile – and the raven feels extremely uneasy. Especially, as the conversation continues. 

“Okay, let me stop you right here and there. You are the most intelligent man I know and I will kindly disregard what you have just said, obviously under the influence of either liquor or your woman – or both – and I will forget we ever had this part of the conversation. I need to go now. I will call you a few days before Christmas so we can discuss the details of our short visit on Christmas Eve, so goodbye for now and take care, dad,” Erwin says – and hangs up; and Levi’s throat is dry.

Erwin’s father is a nice man. He’s gentle and kind just like his son. But Levi hates visiting. Because Angela always complains he isn’t eating enough, laughs at Erwin preparing the food for him and, what’s worse, she wants to talk about his illnesses, and Levi _doesn’t_ want to talk about it, can’t talk about it, feels bad talking about it, he feels filthy and ashamed and embarrassed, especially in front of Erwin’s father, who surely wishes for his son to be with somebody else, someone more refined and with a better social standing, a normal person, maybe even a woman, and then Erwin always tells Angela to stop questioning Levi, and that always leads to more uneasiness at the table, and once it was so bad, with Angela having a go at papa Smith and Erwin then arguing a little with his dad, that Levi had a _huge_ anxiety attack; he literally couldn’t move and breathe anymore, and Angela totally panicked and screamed and threw a fit, which made it even worse, made Levi burst into tears of shame and guilt, made Erwin scream at his stepmother, and which then ultimately lead to them skipping Christmas dinner with Erwin’s father the following year, which made Levi then feel so bad, because he doesn’t want Erwin to miss out on spending time with his dad, especially when he is still alive and – _no, no! stop this! Be gone!_ – and now hearing something about Angela wanting them to attend the big dinner, with all of Erwin’s uncles and aunts and cousins present as well as her side of the family, it makes his skin tingle, and the scarf around his neck seems to be alive, constricting him, choking him like a snake, and he feels like vomiting and his heart is hammering and—

“Levi, breathe…” Erwin’s voice halts all those wicked and wild thoughts. “Breathe, darling,” he repeats, leaning over the centre console of the car, his big hand stroking Levi’s upper arm. “Breathe, baby, you’re okay, everything is fine. All right?”

Levi nods, but he’s almost hyperventilating.

“Breathe,” Erwin says one more time, “look at me and breathe.”

Levi follows his command, and Erwin takes a long breath in and then exhales loudly, motioning for Levi to do the same, and Levi does, along with Erwin: Inhaling and exhaling. Over and over again.

“Better?” the blond asks Levi and he nods, calming down.

“I’m sorry…” he mumbles and Erwin caresses his face.

“I shouldn’t have taken the call in front of you. I know how Angela makes you feel.”

“…she… she wants us to…?”

“Don’t worry about it, baby,” Erwin immediately reassures, “we’re not going.”

“But, but… if… if… if you w-want to s-see your wh-whole family—“

“Levi,” Erwin silences him with his stern voice, looking him deep into the eyes, “_you’re_ my family.”

A very soothing and simply nice warmth washes through Levi’s body at those words.

“We _never_ attend the big dinner,” Erwin continues his calm explanation, “and that’s not going to change just because _Angela_ wants it to change. We will spend Christmas the way we always do. Okay? And if you don’t want to go to Mike’s and Nan’s at the 26th, that’s fine, too. I just want to be with _you_. Okay?”

“N-no… I… I w-want to see Nan… and the others on the… 26th…”

Erwin smiles. “Then we will go and see them, precious,” the man says, and paints another smile onto Levi’s face. “You okay now?”

Levi nods. “Yeah… Yeah, I’m… I’m fine…”

“Okay,” says Erwin and starts the car. 

Levi is confused when his man doesn’t steer the Mercedes onto the motorway, and then he remembers – they’re not going home. They’re going to his therapist. Darius Zackly. The former commander-in—

No.

Darius Zackly, Konrad Smith’s older brother and thus – _Erwin’s uncle_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About that changing number of chapters - this was supposed to be a one shot and we all see how THAT worked out, pfffff. I suck at this :-)
> 
> Once again thank you all for getting in touch with me about your thoughts and feelings via different channels! Your words are highly appreciated. I also have tissues to dry tears, and a punching bag to get rid of aggression and frustration :-)


	6. Chapter 6

Zackly’s office is near the university. It only takes them about ten minutes to get there – another ten to find a parking space big enough for the Benz and Erwin’s cursing under his breath. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to live in the city centre anymore,” he tells Levi, and Levi agrees. He enjoys the peace and quiet at the outskirts just as much as Erwin does, making you believe you are in a small, half-rural town and not this Northern metropolis. “Why Darius’ practice doesn’t have a small car park for his patients like all the others businesses and doctors around him, I will never understand. It’s not like _everybody_ uses the subway and trains in this town. He shouldn’t project his own beliefs onto other people,” Erwin complains, finally steering the SUV into a slot a few metres away from the building they need to go to. But he doesn’t really mean in a nasty way.

Darius Zackly owns a car, but he only uses it to drive on country roads outside of Hamburg, or to get to other towns, and only if he really _has_ to, always preferring to take the intercity express or regional trains, sticking strictly to public transportation and his bike within the confines of the city – and not because he hates driving a car or isn’t good at it. “Environmental reasons,” he tends to explain, criticizing Erwin for driving an oversized car needing too much gasoline, and his man always replies he will switch to an electrical vehicle, once _all_ power derives from renewable energy sources, and once there will be enough charging stations across town. Hamburg is on a good way, Erwin says, but it’s not good enough yet, and as long as big companies of different industries keep polluting the air legally, and people can fly to most destinations for ten euros, it won’t matter anyway what kind of car he or any other citizen drives, and Erwin knows best, so Zackly can suck a dick.

Not that Levi dislikes Darius, and not that Erwin and his uncle really _argue_ about stuff like that. They have a good relationship – and Zackly is the first therapist Levi actually trusts. After all, Erwin and the old man share the same blood and genes, and Darius is fond of his nephew. He means well – also for Levi. Even if their first meeting was nearly catastrophic, with Levi suddenly facing the former commander-in-chief, not believing his eyes and… suffering another breakdown with tears and confusion overwhelming him, just like he had on that fateful day he’d walked right into Erwin, convinced the man would never talk to him again when he started crying suddenly while helping the blond gather all his papers, mumbling his name with a shaky voice, making the man furrow his brows and ask how Levi knew him. 

Erwin deduced that Levi was one of his students – he had so many it was hard to know every face, every name. And later on, as they got closer because Erwin insisted on buying Levi something warm to drink that fateful day, and asked for another date, and another, and then another, until he finally claimed him as his, and Levi opened up to him for the first time about _the other life_, also speaking about Mike and Nanaba as well as Hange and Moblit, Erwin was convinced that Levi had all just googled them and his mind had created those scenarios for reasons that only a therapist could uncover.

It wasn’t an unrealistic assumption. All of it. Levi knew.

He _could_ have looked them up, gotten to know their real names, their relationships. Erwin was a professor, his name and picture were plastered all over the university webpage and it also appeared on some websites and magazines that had published his essays. Hange and Mike where his old school friends – all of them had corresponding photos and data uploaded on Facebook. Hange was a scientist and worked for a big pharmaceutical company in Hamburg, her face was also on the webpage – and so was Moblit’s, who was their assistant. _How fitting_. Mike was as P.E. and maths teacher at a big school in the heart of the city, Nanaba a fitness instructor in a refined sports studio only those willing to pay at least 200 Euros a month could afford – their photos were easily found as well. If you knew one of the group, you could – if you invested some time into online-stalking – figure out the rest.

That’s why Levi didn’t blame Erwin for thinking this way.

But when Erwin brought Levi to Zackly for that first time – and the man later on said it was a good thing that Levi broke down upon their first meeting, because it gave him a good first impression of the man’s deep-seated problems – things changed a little. Because Zackly went through all of Levi’s medical files, uncovering that Levi had talked about an _Erwin_ since being a child.

Levi knew that Zackly had told his man – he had asked the raven before doing so, and of course Levi had agreed. Erwin knows his _whole_ medical history. After hearing the details about Levi knowing his name for so long, the blond had asked, if it would be all right for him to see the whole file. And of course, Levi had agreed. Because he doesn’t keep secrets from Erwin, who helped him to get sober, who helped him to find a stable job, who showered him with love, who tended to his wounds, who told him he was beautiful, who gave his life meaning, a direction, who gave him love and affection – and a home. 

Levi had always trusted Erwin. He still does. With all his heart.

But what exactly Erwin thinks about _the other life_ now, Levi doesn’t know. He only knows one thing: After viewing his file, the blond stopped talking about Levi being a ‘stalker’. All Erwin did from then on, was to help Levi focus on the here and now with means they uncovered together; _like the usage of the cane_. And the man agreed with Zackly, that _the other life_ was a matter to be discussed with his therapist, and not his lover.

That’s why they’re here.

The practice is officially closed, that’s why nobody’s here anymore. Except for Zackly, who opens the door for them, greeting his nephew with a calm smile and affectionate claps on the shoulder. “It’s good to see you,” Darius tells him, and Erwin smiles, nods, answers he feels the same way – then the old man turns to Levi, offering the same kind of warm and welcoming smile that instantly relaxes the raven.

“Levi, come in,” he says, his tone warm and placid. “I’ve gotten something you might like,” he adds, his smile only deepening.

“Th-thank you,” Levi says, turning his head to look at Erwin one final time before he enters Zackly’s office.

“There’s some coffee left, if you like, and some biscuits,” the old man speaks to his nephew before he follows Levi inside and closes the door.

Levi spots the new piece of furniture next to the small sofa immediately. It’s a big beanbag chair, blue and bulgy, in the shape of a large, round rock. “You like it?” Zackly asks, pointing to it. “Take a seat and test it out, Levi. It’s extremely comfortable.”

The raven does as he is told, while Zackly grabs his notepad from his desk, the raven sitting or rather lying down onto it, his body sinking into the soft material that instantly gives in, engulfing him a little, until it has completely adjusted to the man’s form, contouring to every inch of Levi’s body, and he feels a little bit as if he was floating, his feet lifted off the ground. 

…and his beaten ass doesn’t hurt as badly in this position as it did on the sofa in Erwin’s office or the chair at the breakfast table.

“How is it?” Zackly asks, sitting down on his big arm chair directly opposite of the sack-like construction, smiling warmly.

“…cosy…” Levi breathes out, his fingers sinking into the material experimentally, feeling all the little beads filling it up, making a soothing sound when they settle around his body.

“I’m glad,” says Darius, “I just got it today, and I’m already thinking about getting one for myself.”

Levi smiles, continuing to play with the beads underneath his fingers.

Zackly tells him where he got it from, how his secretary bought one for her son and her husband and then for herself because her whole family enjoyed the comfort of the bean bags, and how Rufus – Zackly’s dog, a German Shepard – jumped onto this very one Levi was sitting on right now this morning before his dog sitter picked him up, and how the animal didn’t want to leave it because it felt so comfortable. He tells Levi about taking Rufus to the sea at the weekend, wanting to enjoy the fresh breeze, inviting him and Erwin to come along, even if he knows they won’t take up the offer. It’s still nice for the man to mention this and Levi appreciates it. 

He asks Levi about his shift and the younger man tells him about his fight with a light bulb in the corridor, how it wouldn’t budge and how it took him a whole ten minutes to change it, when it usually lasts only two, making Zackly laugh and agree on the horrid state some of the buildings on campus were in, a typical problem of state universities. 

“And how _are_ you, Levi?” his therapist finally asks after their comfortable chat, a chat Levi usually would have trouble with, but not with Zackly.

“…better,” Levi says.

“…does that mean you didn’t feel good before?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to elaborate on that?”

“Yes.”

“Then tell me: why didn’t you feel good before?” Zackly asks in a calm manner. 

It doesn’t feel inquisitional. Rather, it feels as if a concerned friend was wanting to know what has been going on in Levi’s life – and Levi knows that if he doesn’t want to talk about something, Zackly would never pry. This is what makes him different from all the other therapists he’s faced in his life. This, and his connection to Erwin. Levi feels safe with Zackly because he knows that Erwin trusts him. And when Erwin trusts his uncle, then so can he.

“I had a whole week of… flashbacks,” Levi confesses, “and it got really bad a-at Mike’s birthday party.”

“What do you mean with _bad_?”

“I… I… it was too much, too many people, I was nervous, and then… and then I upset Erwin with something nasty I said. I meant it as a joke, but… it-it wasn’t funny, and then I broke down, because I couldn’t handle it, and Erwin gave me something to help me sleep, and it was good, but… I was thinking about his death again when I woke up in the middle of the night.”

“…his death in _the other life_?”

“Yes,” Levi says, still playing with the beady stuffing of the bag-chair. “I… I was confused when I woke up, thinking we were in… his office, in the headquarters of the S-survey Corps, or in Mitras, where…”

“That’s where I supposedly lived and worked, right? The capitol of…” Zackly flips through all his notes, “Wall Sheena?”

“…yes…”

“Mh-mhh…” the man hums, eyes still scanning the papers, “go on, what happened next?”

“Um… I…” Levi feels conflicting emotions welling in his chest. Erwin’s just helped him to calm down, push all of this away and now he’s digging it all up again. 

“Do you not want to talk about it?” Darius asks, voice still calm.

“I… No, but… yes… I… I dunno.”

“You don’t have to, Levi.”

“I… I-I know,” the raven stammers, his mind running in circles. “I’ll… I’ll make it quick, because… Erwin… he helped me push it back yesterday, and I want it to be… I want it to stay back.”

“Of course.”

A moment of silence passes and Zackly lets Levi gather his thoughts. And the raven doesn’t feel pressured. Because there are no more patients left after him and the sessions isn’t timed. It’s not like they only have 45 minutes. They have the whole night, if that’s what Levi needs. Darius has made this clear over and over again, until it was finally drilled into Levi’s head – and it helps him relax, makes him feel comfortable in the presence of Erwin’s uncle, makes him really open up.

“I kept thinking about Erwin’s death, and Moblit’s death, and Mike’s death, and Nanaba’s death, and how beautiful it is that… that _in this life_ they are all alive, and can finally all be happy, and together, and safe, and… and all the thoughts about the other life just totally fucked with my head the past few days, they… distracted me and made me feel… confused.”

“Hmmm…” Zackly hums and scribbles something down. “Do you have any idea what might have caused those alleged memories to turn this strong again?”

“…Erwin says it might have been the prospect of having to face so many people at Mike’s party…”

“Do you agree?”

“Yeah…”

“But?”

“…but maybe also because I was around… _them. All_ of them. The people I fought with, my old comrades, my… _friends_… Um… yeah…”

Zackly nods, humming agreeing sounds, writing something on his notepad. “Did you enjoy the party?”

Levi thinks about it. “I… I… did until I… fucked up.”

“When you angered Erwin?”

Levi nods, “and then in the morning… breakfast was… so nice, with everybody around, and… and Erwin and Mike were making fun of each other for being drunk, and Hange was hungover and Moblit looked like a zombie and that was funny, too, and… but then I couldn’t hold the food in and I puked and ruined it all…”

“Do you have trouble eating lately?”

“Yeah… I’m… hungry but then I don’t manage to eat enough when I’m served food…”

“Ah,” Darius says, tapping his notebook with his pen. “Why do you say you _ruined_ it all?”

“Because… Well, I felt guilty.”

“For what?”

“…for vomiting.”

“Why?”

“Because… I wasted all the food Nana had prepared with so much care! And Erwin wanted me to eat it all up – and I did, and I felt proud, but then… then I puked it all out and so I didn’t eat anything in the end, and…” his voice trails off, as the feeling of shame from that day resurfaces. “I just really wanted to eat up and make Erwin happy.”

“Did you want to make _yourself_ happy, too?” Darius asks, and Levi thinks about this for a while.

“…I’m happy when Erwin’s happy…” he finally says, both of his hands now circling the beads of the seating furniture between his fingers.

Zackly hums. “Have you had any nightmares lately?”

“…yeah…”

“Do you want to tell me about them?”

“…yeah… but only a little bit. I… I s-said I want to make it quick.”

“I’m all ears.”

“…I-I dreamed about my own death. In the river. I dreamed… that I couldn’t keep the promise I made to Erwin in the other life.”

Zackly hums again. “That’s not the first time you dreamed of this,” the man then states and Levi nods.

“No… It’s… It’s coming back, from time to time. It came back now. Also, when I’m awake, or… well, not really awake. When I’m drifting off and s-stuff…”

“I see,” Zackly says, breathing out audibly, looking at his notepad, and then at Levi in his typical, calm fashion. “Have you noticed you barely use the term _past life_?” he suddenly asks. It’s a question that doesn’t need an answer. A question that makes Levi’s fingers pause. “Most of the times you refer to your alleged memories stemming from _the other life_,” Darius continues. “I’ve made notes as to how many times you actually used _past life_ during our sessions. Do you want to know it?”

Levi feels himself nodding, while he also feels his skin crawl.

“This year – so far not even once,” Darius tells him. “Last year, two times. The year before that: three.”

Levi remains silent. Is that true? It must be, if Darius tells him. Does it mean, he’s getting better? It doesn’t really feel this way. At least not after the past week. Last month, it did. Or is the man hinting at something else? Levi’s confused. Insecure. Starts feeling nervous, swallows dryly.

“Erwin told me, you only use the term _past life_ with him, when you’re… far gone, when you’re suffering a severe anxiety attack, for instance,” Darius continues, and Levi doesn’t know what to say. A few more moments of silence pass. “And only when you talk about allegedly having let him die.”

“But… but they _are_ my _memories_,” Levi eventually blurts out, “and… and I always say memories.”

“True,” Zackly agrees, nodding and smiling calmly, “I’m not saying they aren’t your memories, I’m not saying they are. I just want you to think about it, Levi. There’s something else I would want you to think about, because I’ve noticed a thing. Want me to share it with you?” Levi nods, and Zackly, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms on top of his old-man belly, continues. “Your thoughts about _the other_ or your _past_ life do indeed become stronger when you’re in a stressful, social situation – and especially if this involves Erwin’s and your friend’s, the ones you claim you also know from _the other life_,” Zackly makes a pause, looking at Levi to make sure he’s following. He is. “Now, from all of our conversations I know that they are the first friends you made _in this life_. Am I correct?”

“…yes…” Levi answers weakly, the memories of his days at school, his foster families with hateful other kids, the clinic, with no one to trust, no one to truly talk to, no one to truly understand him, torturing his mind, piercing his heart.

“And you hold them very dearly,” Darius says, “you care for them, just like you care for Erwin.”

Levi nods. He does. He always did.

“You’re scared of losing them. You’ve told me. When I once asked to reveal your biggest fear. You also said you are scared of losing Erwin the most, because of something, a mistake, you might do – or allegedly _have_ done in the other life.”

“…yeah…” Levi says, something undeterminable stirring in his belly. Because he doesn’t want to think about that rooftop anymore. Because it hurts, and because he wants to get better, Erwin’s just helped him to push it all back, after all, and he doesn’t want his man’s suffering to be in vain. Also, he’s fed up with talking about the other life, bringing it all back to the surface. He came here to get better. Why is Zackly suddenly trying to make it worse?

“I would want you to think about what impeccable powers lie beneath the fear of losing someone – especially, if you’ve experienced this before.”

His mother. Who just abandoned him. Who gave him up. His father who left him when he couldn’t even walk. His whole fucking family, wanting to have nothing to do with him.

_Erwin. Whom he just let bleed out on that rooftop. _

“If we let this fear from our past experiences or simply wild imagination rule our life, we will never be able to fully enjoy the happiness bonds with people, family, bring us. We will never be able to live freely, if we constantly worry about losing what we have. And it’s hard to let the worry go, I don’t deny that. But don’t you _agree_ that it would be worth it? To let go of that fear that is holding you back?”

“…y-yeah…” Levi chokes out, because he does. 

…but how does he let go of that fear? When he has all those memories – _because this is what they are!_ – in his head? When he sees Erwin’s dead eyes? All the blood? Hange’s bandaged face? All the sorrow written over so many faces upon hearing the news of their comrade’s death? Mike’s death? Nanaba’s death? Moblit’s death? How can he just let go of the fear? “I… I want to let go of the fear… _so much_… But I _can’t_…”

“Why can’t you?” Zackly asks, calm and softly.

“Because… Because…” Levi searches for the right words, tears streaming down both of his cheeks, feeling hot on his skin, his eyes burning.

“Don’t you _want_ to let go?”

“I…” Levi starts answering, voice louder, but then it cracks – because he can’t say it. He can’t say it!

Zackly hums. “You do – and you don’t,” he answers for Levi, and Levi sobs. “You’re scared that once you forget your alleged memories, you will _not_ be able to truly appreciate what you have: your love, your friendships, your bonds, while I believe it’s the other way around,” Zackly continues to speak in a quiet voice, and Levi sobs again, the tears blurring his vision – and he’s scared. He’s fucking scared. But of what exactly? “You’re scared that you’ll forget why you’re in love with Erwin,” Zackly supplies, “why you’re so devoted him. You think it’s your memories tying you together, don’t you?” he murmurs, and Levi feels sick. He feels sick and his heart is racing.

_And where is Erwin? _

Is he still outside?  
Waiting for him?  
Eating biscuits and having coffee?  
For how long has he been talking with Zackly?  
Is his man fed up for having to wait so long after his work day?

_Where is Erwin?! _

“I want to go home,” Levi snivels, his hands digging into the beanbag chair, the beads rustling, and Zackly continues.

“You’re scared that once you forget this wild tale of… titans, and Erwin being your commander, you’ll lose your focus in this life – which was to find Erwin, or rather a man _like_ Erwin, and to stay by his side. Aren’t you?”

“…I want to go home…” Levi sobs, and his skin starts itching, and Zackly hums.

_Where is Erwin? _

“As long as you’re not willing to face your fears, Levi, you won’t be getting anywhere,” the old man states, and a cold shiver runs down the raven’s spine and he wonders why Zackly is so different today, why he won’t make him draw some shit, why he doesn’t just listen to Levi ramble about his fears and his days and how he can’t sleep, like he always does, suggesting some exercises to try at home, like to go out grocery shopping alone and stuff to boost his self-esteem and strengthen the belief in himself, the belief that he is able to do normal stuff? Why is Zackly suddenly _attacking_ him? Because he never succeeds in fulfilling those exercises?

“I want to see Erwin,” Levi whines, and Zackly hums _once more_ and the man wants to counter with something verbal _again_ – and that’s when something inside of Levi… _snaps_. 

“I WANT TO SEE ERWIN! NOW! I WANT TO GO HOME, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT SO STOP TALKING TO ME, YOU SHITTY CUNT!” he _screams_ jumping up from the bean bag, landing on both of his feet – and not even a second later, the door flies open and the blond man that had been waiting for him bursts inside, his stance like that of the commander he had once been, ready to strike down any titan standing between him and his dream to free humanity, and Levi lunges into Erwin’s arms. “Take me home,” he pleads with a broken voice, arms wrapping tightly around Erwin’s form, “please,” he begs, “_take me home, Erwin, take me home, please…!_”

Erwin puts his arms around him, shields him, and Levi hears Zackly sighing behind him. “You’re not supposed to barge in like that when I’m in the middle of a session, Erwin,” he scolds his nephew gently, and Erwin scoffs, fingers threading through Levi’s hair lightly. 

“Do you really expect me to stay outside when he’s screaming like that?” he counters, his voice strong and cold, while his hands are soft and gentle and Levi presses his face further against his man’s chest, inhaling his scent. “I’m sorry I’m not that cold-hearted bastard my father thinks I am,” Erwin continues in a mocking voice, and Zackly chuckles shortly.

“So you talked to your father?”

“Today,” Erwin answers, calmer this time, stroking Levi’s back, “Angela wants us to come to the big dinner on the first day of Christmas, Levi’s birthday.”

Zackly sighs. “Your father called me today as well,” he then breaks the news.

“He did?” Erwin sounds genuinely surprised, and Levi’s surprised too – because Konrad and Darius don’t _really_ get on that well, and Zackly, unlike Konrad’s other siblings, has never been invited to the big Christmas dinner since Angela entered the picture, not even when his wife, whose surname he had taken on, still was among the living; and amongst all of his contemplations and his listening, Levi realises what both men are doing right now: Talking about other, trivial things, to take the session’s strain off of Levi. _And it works_. A little at least. Because he is still shaking, and his inner world is still in weird turmoil and his knees feel weak and his pulse is still quickened.

“I must say, I was surprised to receive the invitation,” Darius continues, and Erwin scoffs.

“Maybe that woman really _is_ terminally ill and wants to say goodbye to all of us,” he comments, snorting, fingers still caressing his little boy.

“Interesting theory.”

“What else could it be?”

“Well…” says Zackly, letting his voice trail off for a second, and Levi hears him walking around in the office, opening some drawers, looking for something, “some people _do_ have a change of heart, the older they grow. Maybe that’s the same with Angela…”

“Darius,” says Erwin, calmly and Levi can practically hear his boyfriend put on that sinister, fake charming smile of his, “we’re talking about _Angela_. Cruella De Vil, Medusa, Elizabeth Bathory-_Angela_.”

Zackly’s laughing. “Erwin…”

“You know I’m right, Darius.”

Suddenly, Levi hears the old man’s footsteps coming nearer, and Erwin, very gently, reaches for Levi’s arm. “Relax, honey…” he whispers into his black hair, “Darius is just giving you a little injection to help calm you down, all right?”

Levi’s whole body is tense and it’s hard for him to nod, but he manages somehow. A little. Feeling how the old man rolls up the sleeves of his janitor uniform Levi’s still wearing, feeling the slight sting of the needle, and a sort of cool substance spread through his veins. This sensation only lasts for few seconds, after Zackly has already let go of his arm and is moving back toward his desk.

The old man sighs. “I admit: she’s problematic,” he picks up the conversation about Angela.

“Always the diplomat of the family,” Erwin comments amused, and strokes Levi’s back, the raven holding onto him with both hands again. “Are you going?”

“Hell, no,” says Darius, and both men snort. Then, Erwin presses his lips against Levi’s head. “…you okay down there?” the blond breathes out gently, and Levi manages to nod again, all those galvanizing feelings that had made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up dissipating, making room for one prominent sensation that’s taking over his whole being, that’s making his cheeks flush, and his chest constrict: he feels guilty.

“I’m… I’m sorry…” he mumbles, and Erwin kisses his crown again. “It’s okay, baby, it’s okay. I’m not mad. And neither is uncle Darius.”

“I’m definitely not mad, Levi,” the old man agrees with his calm and soothing deep voice that seems to run in the Smith family and that instantly gets to Levi, helping him relax, making his body feel less tense and more light.

…or is it the injection?

Levi sniffles and slowly lets go of Erwin to wipe away his almost dried tears. When he looks up, the man is smiling at him gently, cupping his face, bending down to kiss Levi properly, on the lips this time, and Levi feels a little dizzy. But in a good way. He feels good. “Everything is fine, Levi,” the blond repeats his soothing words, brushing his knuckles over his cheek. 

The raven turns slightly to face Zackly. “I’m… I’m sorry for s-screaming a-at you like that…” he mumbles.

“Don’t worry about it, Levi,” Zackly tells him, smiling friendly, making Levi feel warm, “I pushed you a little today. It’s all right. Concerning the recurring strong flashbacks you’ve been experiencing lately, I will change your medication a little. Erwin said the pill he’d given you at Mike’s birthday worked quickly. Is that correct?”

“Yeah…” the raven breathes, his mind feeling a little bit fuzzy; but he likes it.

“All right, it’s a new sleeping pill, stronger than the ones you’re used to. You shouldn’t be using them every day, but it won’t be bad if you keep them for emergency situations like this one at Mike’s party. What do you say?”

Levi looks at Erwin, who gives him a small encouraging nod and thus the desired confirmation. “Yeah… o-okay,” he answers Zackly, who is typing on his desktop computer, evidently filling out the prescriptions. 

“Okay, so we’re adding the sleeping pills, and I will also change the dosage of some of your other pills, I’ll explain everything to Erwin, so don’t worry about it,” Darius tells him, and Levi nods, his eyes going back to the blue beanbag chair, and Zackly catches his gaze. “Erwin,” he addresses his nephew and points to his new patient-seat, “try it out. Levi loved it.”

Erwin grins, and lets himself slump down on the huge beanbag, and Levi watches how he sinks into it. Then, the blond, dressed in his light brown suit, holds out his hand. “Come, darling,” he beckons, “it’s big enough for the two of us.” Levi doesn’t need to be told twice, immediately setting his body into motion, crawling onto the beanbag chair, feeling slightly woozy, welcomed by Erwin’s protective arms and his lips, that press a gentle kiss onto his forehead, making him sigh contentedly. “Do… do you like it?” Levi rasps.

“The beanbag?”

“Yes…”

“…it _is_ rather comfortable,” Erwin concludes, his hands wandering up and down Levi’s back.

Levi smiles. “I… I think so, too.”

“…you want me to get you one?” Erwin asks, and sounds so soft, but at the same time somewhat excited, and maybe even a tiny bit teasing.

“No… I mean: y-you don’t have to, Erwin. O-our couch is nice, too…” Levi says, because he really doesn’t want any more presents. Erwin has given him so much already. But when Erwin whispers “I’ll get you one, anyway…” and presses his lips to his temple, Levi cannot contain the big, goofy smile his lips are pulling into, because he feels just so, so utterly happy and giddy, and he feels the love Erwin harbours for him, _this_ life’s Erwin, _professor_ Erwin, and the rooftops of Shi… Shi… Sh… whatever, they’re so far away, as if they were a miniature construction within a snow ball; Erwin’s bought him one for their very first Christmas together and Levi likes to watch the fake snow engulf the outline of Hamburg, and—

Erwin and Darius are talking about something, the family, Angela, Erwin’s cousin, but Levi isn’t really able to follow them, the rustling of the beads underneath his and Erwin’s bodies, as the blond moves while he talks passionately, so loud, it’s the only sound Levi actually registers, and his hands, both of them, start digging into the beanbag again, feeling up the beads slipping through his fingers, over and over again, as if he was a cat, testing out his claws while relaxing, until he’s lifted off the beanbag chair, and he feels the warmth of Erwin’s big strong body pressed against his, the man’s lips on his face.

“Let’s go home, baby,” the man murmurs, and his voice seems to echo in Levi’s ears, and somewhere, as if far in the distance, he hears Zackly’s voice telling him to take care, or his meds, or the trash out? Levi isn’t sure, closes his eyes for a second to make his head stop spinning, and when he opens them again, they’re on the motorway and some piano music is playing quietly on the radio, and Erwin’s big hand is resting on his thigh. “We’re almost home, darling,” the blond informs him and Levi wants to answer, but his tongue is so heavy, all he can do is grunt, and close his eyes again, just shortly, because his eyelids feel as if formed out of lead.

When he manages to open them again, Erwin’s carrying him inside and wonderful warm air engulfs his body. “There we are…” Erwin mumbles and proceeds to take him upstairs, and Levi’s eyes fall shut once again, and when he opens them, he’s lying on the bed on his back and Erwin’s unzipping his uniform, and their gazes meet, and the blond is smiling in that very sexy way that always makes Levi’s groin throb, and it throbs _now_, and he wants to say something, but all he manages is a sigh – and he closes his eyes again as Erwin’s hand touches his bare skin, touches his stomach and glides up and over his chest.

…and when he opens them again, he’s in the bathtub with Erwin and their naked bodies are pressed together tightly, Erwin’s chest against his back, and… and Levi’s _hard_, and Erwin’s nimble fingers are wrapped around his girth and the blond man is stroking his length, while nibbling on his ear. “God…” he whispers into it, his voice lascivious, “you’re so sexy when you’re like that…”

_Like what_, Levi wants to ask, but all he can do is moan and press further back against Erwin, feels the man’s erection push against his lower back, his ass, and he hisses and Erwin pinches one of his nipples when he makes him climax. “I love you so much…” Erwin breathes against his moist skin, and Levi groans, as he spills the last droplets of his seed into the murky bath water and his eyes close, and… and he falls asleep.

And when he wakes up, the sun is shining into the room, and he’s confused because Erwin is lying right next to him, and when Levi manages to sit up and take a look at his boyfriend’s clock on the man’s night stand, it’s midday, and today’s Tuesday, and that means Erwin’s lectures start in fifteen minutes, and why is he still here and why is Levi’s head so heavy and where’s Zackly, and what is going on and—

“Hey…” Erwin’s croaky voice rips him out of the train of thoughts and their eyes meet, “I called in sick today,” he informs him, as if reading Levi’s mind. “Uncle Darius said it would be best to stay home when we switch your medication, and I think we should start doing that today. Do you agree?”

“Yes,” Levi says, some of yesterday’s memories infiltrating his mind, of the session gone wrong, and he feels so bad for screaming at Zackly, for—

The doorbell rings. “Oh shit,” Erwin exclaims and instantly jumps out of bed, almost tripping as he puts on his black bathrobe hastily to run down the stairs, and Levi frowns, because who could it possibly be at this time of hour?

He tries to listen, but he can’t hear shit, and his head throbs a little. He slips out of bed and walks over to the bathroom to take leak, splash some water into his face. Erwin takes a little bit of time before he comes back, discarding his bathrobe and the pyjamas underneath it, revealing his naked body to Levi, grabbing his arm and pulling him along under the shower, smiling – and Levi enjoys every single second of those big hands spreading soap all over his skin, of those lips planting kisses across his neck, of Erwin’s fingers washing his crack and hole and his balls, slightly arousing him, and he _doesn’t_ think of yesterday anymore.

Erwin dries him and puts him as well as himself in a bathrobe, makes Levi wear thick slippers and ushers him downstairs, directly into the kitchen, serving him a little breakfast consisting of a small bowl of muesli. He seems a little bit excited, and Levi wonders why. He gets his answer after being praised for finishing his meal – and taking his meds.

Erwin clasps his hand and leads him into the living room – _and there it is_. The huge beanbag chair in the shape of a massive pillow, offering so much cosy space even three people would fit on its surface without any major difficulty. The wonderful thing is dark green, Levi’s favourite colour, and his heart almost melts. “I ordered it yesterday before we rode home,” Erwin explains, “thank god for overnight delivery.”

…and Levi doesn’t know what to say, pure happiness spreading inside of him, and he feels touched, so very, very touched by this gesture of affection, and—

“Do you like it?” Erwin asks him, stepping behind Levi, putting his hands onto the man’s hips, and before the raven-haired can answer, Erwin’s hands grab him, lift him up and throw him playfully onto the beanbag pillow – and Levi lands on its soft surface that instantly gives in underneath his weight, and a giddy laugh leaves his throat; another when Erwin practically jumps onto it next, landing right next to Levi, wrapping his arms around him, sighing contentedly, smiling so beautifully. “…do you like it?” he repeats his question, voice low and gentle, and Levi looks him directly in the eyes, beaming.

“I _love_ it, Erwin!” he breathes and Erwin kisses him, and his man’s lips feel soft against his, and his boyfriend’s tongue feels hot as it snakes its way into his mouth, when their legs tangle together, and another sigh leaves Erwin’s throat and passes right into Levi’s, until they break the kiss and just look at each other.

“Do you want to hear how we’re going to christen it?” Erwin mumbles with a smirk on his lips, and Levi swallows, arousal pooling in the pit of his stomach, because Erwin’s fingers loosen the belt of the robe covering his body and spread the fabric to either side, his hand gliding down his chest to his abdomen.

“…h-how…?” Levi whispers, lips slightly trembling, and Erwin leans closer, his lips almost touching Levi’s again, his eyes piercing the raven’s orbs.

“I’m going to fuck you all day long on this…” the man whispers hoarsely and lets his hand slide down to grab Levi’s stirring cock – and the raven moans, a feeling of bliss surging through his body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more: THANKS TO ALL OF YOU commenting here, and on Twitter, sending me DMs, discussing theories with me in private - this is so much fun and means a LOT to me!
> 
> This chapter was very emotional for me to write and I needed to take a lot of breaks. I hope it was worth it and you "enjoyed" it. Let me know!


	7. Chapter 7

Erwin lights a fire, pulling the beanbag pillow with Levi on top of it directly in front of the fireplace with ease, and Levi immediately feels the cosy and soothing heat caressing his skin. Erwin closes all the blinds, shielding them from any possible view, even if there are barely any neighbours around. Erwin puts on beautiful piano music on low volume to further calm and relax Levi. 

And then, as Levi continues to observe his man, Erwin comes to a stop right in front of him, looking down on his baby boy, a smirk gracing the blond god’s lips – and then he unties the already lightly loosened belt of his dark bathrobe, the piece of garment falling open, revealing his hairy chest, the toned abs, Erwin’s muscles, his thick thighs and the man’s half hard, massive cock framed by dark golden locks. 

Levi watches in utter fascination how Erwin slowly lets the fabric slide completely off his body, tossing it aside, until he is standing fully naked at the edge of the oversized pillow that is so comfortable and nice, and another present he has so generously gifted to his little boy, and Levi’s happy, so fucking happy and grateful, his heart beating so wonderfully fast in his chest as Erwin’s climbing on top of the beanbag to loom over him, his big hands pushing into the rustling piece of furniture to either side of Levi’s head. And then Erwin’s descending, mounting Levi’s body, the boy’s robe already lying somewhere discarded on the floor, his form exposed, and their skin touches, _practically everywhere_, and it’s warm and arousing and alluring.

Their lips meet, just as Erwin fully sinks down onto Levi’s body, his cock pressing against his boy’s thigh, while Levi’s awakening manhood is pushing up against his man’s flat stomach, and Erwin’s tongue asking admittance, gladly given by Levi – because it’s Levi’s nature to provide his man with anything he asks for, to serve Erwin, to breathe for him. Because this man has _given_ him life.

Erwin’s lips feel soft and warm, and his tongue is hot, like the flames of the crackling fire right next to them; it’s big and wet, exploring Levi’s mouth slowly, while Erwin’s finger push into his hair, the other hand gliding underneath his boy’s back, fingernails scraping carefully over the heated skin, not wanting to hurt and destroy, but to caress and entice – and all of this is making Levi moan gently, the sound swallowed up by his man’s greedy mouth, who answers with a pleased groan, as he releases Levi’s lips, and moves his hips experimentally, grinding against his petite boyfriend trapped underneath his giant body.

“Levi…” Erwin whispers, and when Levi opens his eyes and looks into that hypnotizing shade of blue, a shiver ripples down his spine, and Erwin smirks, licking playfully over his boy’s lips, to then use his mouth to pepper feather light kisses onto Levi’s face, covering his cheek until he almost reaches Levi’s ear, to then travel back over the younger man’s jawbone to his chin – then he moves further down, mouth moving over the raven’s larynx, tongue swiping across his throat, reaching his edgy collar bone. Erwin leaves a trail of wet kisses along Levi’s chest, dragging his tongue over the pale flesh, making his boy wince when he ultimately reaches his nipple. 

Erwin flicks his wet muscle over it, making Levi flinch, as a jolting electrical current shoots through his body upon that short contact. The man goes for the other, repeats this action – and Levi flinches again, a gasp leaving his mouth, and Erwin hums before he moves back to the other nipple to start this little teasing game anew; flicking his tongue over the buds, alternating between them, making his boy writhe and gasp, until he adds another element of tantalizing play, pulling Levi’s nipple into his mouth, giving it a hard suck, making a stronger current of arousal travel through Levi’s body, moving south, his groin pressed against Erwin’s naked torso throbbing – and Erwin adds _another_ component of taking Levi apart. 

The blond starts grazing Levi’s nipples with his teeth as he takes them into his mouth. Licking, sucking, nibbling, adding his hand so that he can always play with both buds at the same time – and Levi nearly loses his mind, because he is so sensitive, this area of his so responsive, and his trembling fingers start carding through Erwin’s thick, blond hair, the other hand grabbing onto Erwin’s shoulder, and his hips start moving on their own volition, making his dick rub against Erwin’s naked body, and the man chuckles, raises his head, his lips letting go of Levi’s nipple producing a slightly lewd smacking sound, and their eyes meet again, and Erwin’s grinning.

“Levi…” he breathes his boy’s name out again, now playing with both of Levi’s nipples with his hands, and Levi lets out another protracted, low moan, making Erwin look at him in this enthralling way, that makes him feel beautiful, desired, _loved_. 

And then, Erwin decides to continue his journey down Levi’s naked body, his fingers continuing to fondle with the younger man’s nipples while his mouth moves lower, across his stomach and abdomen, following the thin, dark trail of hair leading towards Levi’s centre – and Erwin’s boy groans wickedly as his man’s hot breath tickles his almost completely hard, twitching cock, his fingers now following the rest of his body, gliding over his torso, as the blonds moves further down, sliding slightly off the beanbag, not using his mouth nor tongue, until he reaches Levi’s hairy balls, both of his hands then finding their way onto Levi’s thighs, pushing into the thin flesh, spreading his legs further apart – and _then_ Erwin’s tongue finally darts out again, swiping over Levi’s testicles, making Levi moan a bit louder than before, and heighten his sounds further as Erwin’s wet tongue glides over his shaft; over and over again. Starting at the balls to move up to his exposed tip, swirling around the glans, making Levi squirm and gasp and finally whimper, as Erwin takes his cock head into his mouth and sucks on it. _Hard_.

_“Haaaaaaaa….! Haaaa!” _

And then suddenly everything stops and Erwin gets up to his feet, looking down on his boy’s naked body and Levi’s confused, blinks, frowns – but before any kind of anxiousness can begin to spread inside of him, Erwin smiles at him, walking over to the coffee table moved away to make room for the beanbag pillow, and Levi watches his man grab a towel as well as the plastic bottle of lubricant, and he instantly relaxes, his hard cock throbbing lightly, calling for Erwin’s attention, whose eyes focus on it indeed, while his lips pull into a smirk.

“You’re greedy today, huh?” he teases Levi in a murmur and Levi swallows, trying to coat his dry throat with saliva.

“…yeah…” he agrees, voice unsteady, croaking a little.

Erwin huffs out a very light laugh. “Well, I’m gonna give you loads today, so don’t worry, little one,” he promises in a gentle manner, setting the bottle of lubricant down onto the floor, unfolding the towel, and Levi can’t help but look between Erwin’s legs, at the man’s equally stiff cock so much thicker and bigger than his own; and he swallows again.

“Lift your body up a little,” Erwin instructs and Levi obeys, allowing Erwin to slide the towel underneath his ass – but when he lies down on it, the blond surprises him a little, suddenly grabbing his hips and twisting him around in one swift motion, so that he’s lying on his stomach instead of his back now. 

He feels and hears Erwin sinking down onto his knees, his body pressing and leaning against the beanbag, the man thus being half on in, half on the floor. His big fingers wind around his thighs, pulling Levi and the towel he is laying on further towards him. Then, the man’s hands move onto his butt cheeks, pushing them apart, and the warmth of the fire brushes over Levi’s hole, only to be replaced with a much hotter wind – Erwin’s breath.

“You are so beautiful down here, my little angel…” Erwin mumbles and a weird shiver creeps up Levi’s spine as the air coming out of his man’s mouth totally tickles and caresses his entrance, and his cock twitches, as Erwin’s fingers suddenly dig further into his cheeks when he moves his head, and Levi feels his man’s wet and moist tongue glide over the underside of his balls, to then move up his crack, until it’s sliding languidly over his asshole – and Levi _whines_.

“God… _ugh!_”

Erwin chortles mildly, before repeating what he has done with his tongue, licking over Levi’s testicles, his ass crack, Levi’s twitching asshole, and the raven closes his eyes, sucks in his bottom lip, only to let out another moan as his man tongue circles his tight ring of muscles that won’t be so tight after Erwin’s done with him.

“…_Erwin_…!” Levi sighs his man’s name with delight, as the blond continues to lick his most private parts for what feels like a whole hour; and maybe it is. Levi has no idea, his mind beginning to swim as Erwin’s flicking his tongue over his hole, receiving high-pitched moans as a reward. 

The man is moving his tongue in slow circles first, fully concentrating on Levi’s entrance, the movement careful and precise. At some point – when Levi’s moans become more frequent and turn a little louder – the movement of Erwin’s tongue changes, the circles now being quicker and harder, done with more force, yet still tender – until Erwin finally, after what feels like another hour, dares to push his tongue _into_ Levi’s asshole, shaping it like a little cock or dildo, piercing slowly through the ring of already spasming muscles, and Levi lets out a long sound, a hybrid of a moan and whimper, because even if he’s totally relaxed, his mind slightly dizzy, the first intrusion still hurts a little.

But Erwin’s so good at making the pain subside, at making Levi focus on something else, his man’s giant hand sliding between the pillow and his body, touching his cock, making Levi squirm and hiss as a jolt of arousal travels through his abdomen when Erwin touches his dick, fingers wrapping around it, pumping him ever so slowly as he continues to carefully thrust his tongue in and out of his boy’s asshole, slightly changing his game play when he chooses to switch back to circling Levi’s hole with his wet muscle, before he pushes it back inside to fuck Levi like that. 

“You taste so fucking good…” Erwin suddenly murmurs, kissing Levi’s hole, while his fingers circle Levi’s exposed cock head, and Levi cannot and doesn’t want to suppress the deep groan that pushes up his throat and out of his body.

_“…haaaaaaa! Uggghhhhhh!”_

Erwin’s back to licking his entrance, as if it was the most delicious treat he’s ever eaten, a special kind of ice cream. He keeps thrusting his tongue in, keeps tracing the ring of muscle with the tip of his tongue, kisses Levi’s hole, groans against it, murmuring further words of adoration and encouragement against Levi’s sensitive spot. 

“You’re so pretty, baby boy, sucking me in like that… it’s so beautiful the way your hole’s twitching for and around me, you’re so wonderful, Levi… my sweet, sweet boy…”

And then, suddenly Erwin adds his fingers, his hand sliding off his boy’s ass cheek to move to his crack, gliding in alongside the blond man’s tongue, and Levi groans – because unlike Erwin’s tongue his man’s finger is rigid and stiff, and the invasion causes a little sting; but Erwin’s sure to fumble with Levi’s dick, making lust and arousal mix with the pain, pushing the negative sensation further back, making Levi focus on intoxicating feelings.

_“….ugh….!”_

Levi sighs, as Erwin gives his hole a final kiss, a final lick and then suddenly lets go of his behind, retracts, his saliva trickling down Levi’s crack, flowing over his balls, seeping into the towel underneath him against which Levi’s dick also rubbing. And then the raven hears it: the distinct snap of the plastic bottle of lubricant being opened.

_“Ha!” _

He lets out a surprised gasp as Erwin presses the opening of the container against his hole and pushes a fairly big amount of the translucent, thick gel into his anal canal, only to coat his fingers with it next.

“Relax, baby boy…” he tells him in an erotic mumble, that’s making Levi feel _so many things_, because he loves it when Erwin’s voice is like that. Deep, smooth and wanton – all because of him. And so Levi tries to follow his man’s command, tries to relax even more, and his legs begin to tremble as Erwin pushes his lube-coated index finger in. Slowly, while letting his other hand glide back between the pillow and Levi’s body, grabbing his dick, making him let out a lust-filled sob as arousal crashes through his system.

“There you go…” Erwin breathes as he begins to fuck Levi with his finger, spreading the lubricant against the hot inner walls of his boy, beginning to stretch his sphincter muscle, adding a second finger after another while which feels like forever to Levi, and he realises he’s begun to drool and moan even more frequently, especially when Erwin crooks his fingers and the callous tips press against Levi’s prostate, making him see stars for a split second, and he remembers the first time he’s looked up into the night sky to watch the glimmering lights with Isabel and Farlan right after joining the Survey Corps, and—

NO.

_“Hgh! Ugh! Haaaa!” _

Erwin adds a third finger, spreading Levi’s sphincter even wider, pushing against his sweet spot a little bit harder, eliciting those wanton sounds from the raven, while the fingers of Erwin’s other hand circle his sensitive tip, weeping pre-cum. 

“…_Erwin_…!”

The man begins to fuck him with all of this three inserted fingers, while stroking his boy’s dick, and Levi’s mouth falls open to let out a gasp – and it _stays_ open; additional sounds of pleasure pouring from his mouth, getting more frequent, louder, more desperate, arousal spreading throughout the whole of his lower body, his pulse quickening, his fondled cock throbbing, the fingers of his hands digging into the beanbag that’s rustling in this funny way as Levi’s body is almost thrashing about on top of it, miniature beads of sweat forming on his temples, Levi’s veins thrumming with animalistic lust.

_“…Erwin…!”_

He nearly yells his commander’s name now. 

NO.

His _man’s_ name.

His boyfriend’s, his lover’s, his _daddy’s_ name, the _professor’s_ name.

“I got you,” the blond breathes, removing his hands from the raven’s insides, climbing back onto the beanbag alias sexual playground, the oversized pillow’s stuffing making another fit of those funny and soothing noises, infiltrating Levi’s fuzzy mind.

He moans as he feels Erwin’s warm and still moist fingers grab his waist, twist him around, move him onto his side, and then their bodies join, with Erwin pulling him into an embrace, his chest pressing against his fragile lover’s back, lips breathing a hot kiss onto Levi’s nape, Erwin’s hand sliding between his thighs, moving up to underneath his knee, lifting Levi’s upper leg up and thus spreading his ass cheeks apart once more, exposing his hole, and as Erwin’s other arm snakes around him and grabs his throat without too much pressure, Levi’s looking at the flames, and it feels as if they were engulfing his body, a searing fire streaking up his cock and spreading to every inch of his body, as Erwin enters him, pushing his thick dick into his canal, bringing lust but also another streak of slight pain with it as his hardness passes through the sphincter, loose but still trying to keep the invading object out – _completely in vain_ – and Levi pushes out, as if he was taking a dump, to help the cock pass into him, breach the tight beginning of his channel; and it works.

_“…haaa…!”_

He gasps as Erwin adjusts his hips and his cock circles his insides, pushes against his walls, nudges his prostate.

_“Ffffffuck…!”_

The raven curses, and Erwin groans and the man’s hot breath nearly burns Levi’s skin covering his shoulder, the man’s fingers on his throat squeezing down a little, but not enough as to make breathing hard; they just hold him, press him against the giant body behind his. Then, Erwin moves his head, his mouth now close to Levi’s ear. “I love you, baby boy…” he whispers, “so, so much, and I’m so horny for you, _ugh_…”

And then Erwin doesn’t talk anymore. He only uses his mouth to grunt and moan, and to kiss and lick at Levi’s neck and throat and shoulder, he uses it to bite and leave frail markings all over Levi’s pale skin, as he thrusts into his boyfriend’s small body. 

Both of his arms now wind themselves around Levi’s weak form, trapping him, shielding him, embracing him, comforting Levi, as Erwin starts ploughing into him, over and over again, his body beginning to move with more force with every thrust made, the man’s damp forehead pushing against the spot where Levi’s neck and shoulder join, and the blond’s grunting, his noises mixing with the wanton and despairing, throaty sounds stemming from Levi. 

“Fuck!” this time the panted curse stems from Erwin, his outbreak followed by a feral grunt, “fuck! Ugh, touch your cock, Levi!”

And Levi does, his saliva trickling down the side of his face, staining the beanbag, as he reaches for his middle, clasping his hard and throbbing dick, as he feels all of those amazing sensations race through his body, an intense orgasm building itself up, this sexy energy gathering in his balls, making them nearly tingle, the energy coursing slowly through his dick, up his shaft, flowing right into his tip, his abdominals clenching, as Erwin continues to slam into him, moaning shamelessly – and then… and then… _and then_…! And then Levi’s _done_, all of those extreme sensations exploding inside of him, arousal shooting into every part of his body, making his body convulse and him _tip over the fucking edge_.

_“By the fucking walls…!”_ he mewls, the slurred words almost unintelligible, as he climaxes, the world around him spinning out of control, his inner walls contracting, squeezing down Erwin’s thrusting dick, making his man moan so fucking deeply it touches Levi’s core, intensifies his orgasm – and he pulls Erwin down this pit with him, the man’s fingers clawing into Levi’s skin, his teeth pushing into his shoulder, making Levi scream out loudly, as the man undertakes his final, harsh and hard slams into him, before everything is over, and the blond shudders as he pumps his seed into his lover’s ass – and only the silence filled by both of their agitated panting remains.

Levi’s eyes feel heavy, and so does his head. He doesn’t fully register when Erwin’s soft cock slides out of him and he startles when Erwin begins to clean him, obviously having dosed off, the wonderful smell of wood tickling his nostrils.

“…there you go…” Erwin mumbles softly, wiping away the semen covering Levi’s stomach and the man’s asshole, crack, his butt cheeks.

Levi wants to say something, ask the commander for a glass of whiskey, because he’s sick and tired of the cheap beer of the nearby taverns, but his tongue feels as if it was swollen and his jaw as it if was covered in metal, heavy and immobile, and he should be panicking about this but he isn’t, caught in a state of bliss and indifference, and it’s weird, and… the world goes dark, because the desire to just sleep overcomes him with such suddenness, it truly just knocks him out.

He awakes with a throbbing head and needs a few seconds to grasp reality and to understand that he hasn’t had a single dream, that where he had just wandered was nothing but a vast darkness embracing him. And he is still caught in that embrace – only it’s not darkness that has its sinewy arms wrapped around him, but Erwin. 

They are still lying in that spooning position Erwin’s fucked him in, their bodies by now covered with his favourite woollen blanket, Erwin’s breath brushing over the top of his head, his fingers gently caressing his belly, the TV running on low volume. “…you awake…?” the blond suddenly whispers and his words tickle Levi’s scalp slightly. He nods – and then suddenly feels nauseous.

His stomach’s twisting, and his body goes stiff, and so does Erwin’s – in alert. “…Levi?” the man asks, a little bit louder, and Levi calls upon every single fibre of his body to FUCKING MOVE! 

And he does.

But it all goes wrong, his head _throbbing_ as he so suddenly sits ups and tries to jump onto his feet, his knees giving out immediately as his vision turns black, and Levi crashes down onto the floor, his man’s panicked yelling of his name just an echo at the back of his mind – a second later he thinks he’s gonna start vomiting and retching all over the living room floor, Erwin already at his sides, both of his hands placed on Levi’s forearms, steadying him, talking to him, but the blond man’s words do not reach him. At least not immediately. It’s as if his brain is still buffering and he needs time until reality is fully loaded. Only then he perceives Erwin’s words.

“…baby, talk to me, what’s wrong? Do you need to go to the bathroom? Levi! Levi, talk to me, can you hear me?”

Levi groans, leaning back, practically falling into Erwin’s arms who is kneeling on the floor.

“…you okay, baby boy?” he asks, almost breathless, voice laced with so much worry and concern it makes Levi’s heart ache.

He needs another minute before he can speak, before he realises the need to puke is gone, as if it had never been there in the first place. “I… I…” his mouth and throat are so dry, he immediately begins to cough, and Erwin, picking him up to sit him onto the sofa, immediately rushes into the kitchen to come back with a big glass of still water.

“Drink,” he tells Levi, “drink this, baby.”

And Levi does, and only then registers how fucking thirsty he actually is – Erwin goes to the kitchen to fetch him another glass, make a pot of herbal tea as well. And Levi drinks, as if he’s never drunk before.

“…you good?” Erwin asks, having wrapped his little boy in the blanket again, himself remaining completely naked.

Levi nods. “I… I th-thought, I was gonna vomit again but… but… then I didn’t have to. I… I don’t get it.”

Erwin hums, smiling lightly, pulling the wrapped up Levi onto his lap. “It’s okay, darling,” he tells him in this reassuring manner of his, “it’s probably your new medication,” he explains softly – and that makes sense, and Levi total forgot, and— “Zackly said you might be feeling off during the first days and maybe even weeks, until your body adjusts.”

“…oh…”

“Yes, don’t worry, tell you what though,” Erwin continues, his fingers touching Levi’s chin lightly, turning his head as to make their eyes meet, “I’m gonna go fetch a bowl and place it here just in case, so that if you really feel like vomiting, you won’t have to go run to the bathroom. Okay?”

“Y-yeah… g-good idea,” Levi agrees – all of Erwin’s ideas are good, after all.

The blond smiles. “All right. Want to go back onto the beanbag?”

Levi’s eyes wander around to his latest present, and a smile creeps onto his face. He nods. “Y-yes, please…”

Erwin carries him back and beads rustle wonderfully around his body. Erwin comes back with a big cup of herbal tea and it tastes lovely. Erwin puts on a film which they watch together, a cartoon movie about bunnies, and Levi dozes off – and dreams of nothing again; and it’s superb. Erwin makes him a vegetable soup and he allows him to eat while sitting on the beanbag, his man playing a round of virtual chess on his tablet lying right next to his boy while Levi continues to watch cartoons taking his meal, proudly showing Erwin the empty ceramic dish after, and Erwin praises him lots and showers him with kisses that turn into a passionate snog.

“I’m gonna fuck you again,” he whispers against Levi’s bruised and spit-coated lips, “can you take it…?”

“…yes…” Levi breathes out.

“So you want my cock inside you?” Erwin enquires, his lips on Levi’s throat.

“…yes…”

“How much?”

“_V-very much…!_” Levi whines as Erwin bites into his throat, bruising the light skin, marking Levi.

“You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, do you know that?” Erwin murmurs against his flesh as he slides down Levi’s body, quicker this time, taking his little boy’s cock into his mouth, sucking, licking, nibbling – until Levi’s a drooling mess again, mewling his man’s name. 

And then Erwin truly _fucks_ him.

Levi’s upper body pressed into beanbag pillow, Erwin’s big hand wrapped around his neck, pushing Levi’s head down and deep into the fabric, holding him in place, the fingers of his other hand holding onto his sharp hip, nails clawing into the thin skin, while he slams his hard cock into Levi’s ass. Over and over again, coming hard and with a loud grunt, when Levi has already spilled his speed due to rubbing so ferociously against the towel under his naked body.

And he feels dizzy after, blessed and happy, but also so _dizzy_, downing the whole pot of herbal tea Erwin’s made for him, drinking a whole bottle of water – and _that’s_ what makes him puke in the end, and he feels so ashamed when Erwin carries the bowl with his vomit away to the bathroom to flush it down the toilet, he can’t even look his man in the eyes, even though Erwin whispers soothing words to him, as he leads him to the main bathroom upstairs, getting into the shower with him, providing him with a new tube of toothpaste and mouth wash so he feels better, washing his whole body so Levi feels clean again, telling him how much he loves him and that it’s going to be fine and he just has to get used to the new meds.

But Levi is still so dizzy.  
And he is tired.  
Dizzy and tired, and… 

And it doesn’t get better the following days.  
That’s why Erwin decides for Levi to stay home the whole week, also calling in sick to stay with him. And Levi is so grateful and glad, but… so dizzy and tired.

He sleeps for more than nine hours and he is tired.

Erwin’s picked out movies and cartoons to Levi’s liking on Netflix but Levi doesn’t feel like watching them. He _hates_ all of them.

All he does is lie on the beanbag pillow, observing the flames of the fire Erwin puts on for him.

Erwin reads him a book and Levi tries to listen, but he is so tired, he falls asleep during the second chapter.

He is dizzy and tired and bored and his libido is dead.

He tries to be good for Erwin, spread his legs and lets himself be opened up, but he… he’s not his usual self, moaning and begging for more, and Erwin loses his interest quickly, not even entering him but fucking his thighs instead, and Levi feels so bad afterwards, for not having provided Erwin with what he needed, crying himself to sleep on the beanbag pillow he loves so much, even though Erwin is doing everything he can to console his little boy, telling him that sex isn’t everything and he’s helped him climax anyhow and that he shouldn’t worry about it because it was only temporary and that he didn’t want to fuck him when he was this way, and Levi asks himself if he will always be _this way_ now, throwing a tantrum the next time he has to take his medicine, which makes Erwin angry, but something’s not right in Levi’s head and he protests, shaking his head, keeping his mouth closed, trying to wriggle out of Erwin’s arms who is forced to hold him down to push the pills into his mouth, and then – and Levi has no idea why – he freaking _bites_ into Erwin’s finger, and his man is forced to hit him, and Levi cries again, but not because of the pain, but because of what he’s done, biting Erwin, hurting his man, _making_ his boyfriend hit him, because that’s the only thing that made him snap out of it, that’s the only thing that led to Levi finally swallowing the pills he needed, and he apologises, because Erwin doesn’t like hurting him, and he shouldn’t be apologising because this shouldn’t have happened in the first place, and he feels like scum, like total scum, and he says he’s not worth it, not worth the love Erwin holds for him, not worth it to be treated in this wonderful way, to be taken care of with so much compassion and empathy, he’s not worth it, he’s not worth it, he’s not worth it, _he’s not worth it, he’s not worth it, he’s not worth it….!_

Erwin gives him another sleeping pill, holds him in his arms until Levi passes out, and when he awakes, almost twelve hours later, Erwin’s holding him again, lying on the beanbag pillow, and he’s smiling, kissing him, caressing him, telling that Levi is worth _everything_, that he’s never loved anyone as much as he loves him, that he loves to take care of him, that he will always take care of him, because he’s going to love him forever, and Levi tears up again, but this time because of joy, and he promises Erwin to never throw a tantrum again, apologising over and over again for his unacceptable behaviour, telling Erwin that he is his world – and always will be.

And…

And…

And…

And after two weeks in which both men have stayed home, two weeks of Levi being on his new medication, the raven suddenly realizes something: he hasn’t had a single dream all this while.

No strange dreams in which he is forced to speak to a huge group of people, while needing the loo, no dreams about their house being completely dirty and he not being able to clean it, _no dreams about his other life…_

He tells Erwin, in a sudden rush of happiness, and the man is beaming, kissing his forehead, cupping his face.

“That is so wonderful, Levi…” the man rasps, pressing his lips onto Levi’s lips. “And do you feel a bit better? Or are you still very dizzy and tired?”

Levi thinks about this for a while, and then answers honestly, because he never lies to Erwin, after all. “I am still a bit dizzy and a b-bit more tired than usually, but… b-but it’s definitely becoming, uh, better…”

And the smile this answer paints onto Erwin’s lips, it’s… it’s remarkable. So pretty. So handsome. So warm and gentle, and kind and sincere, it makes warmth spread inside of Levi’s chest, feeling as if he had a fireplace built all around his heart.

“I’m so happy, little one…” Erwin says, fingers brushing through Levi’s hair, caressing his face, “we’re gonna celebrate that.”

“…what?”

“Yeah. How about I get you those minty chocolates you like so much, huh? You haven’t had them for a while. Would you like to eat them?”

“…yes…” Levi answers after pondering this matter for a while, surprised that he does, indeed, feel somewhat of an appetite when he is thinking about those treats he doesn’t eat often.

“Perfect,” Erwin breathes out, “and then we’re gonna watch the new Disney movie and cuddle all evening long on your beanbag. How does that sound?”

Levi’s lips pull into a happy smile, and the answer leaves his mouth automatically. “Perfect…”

Erwin grabs his wallet, he kisses Levi goodbye, instructing him to make himself comfortable on the beanbag and wait for him, and Levi does, utterly happy that after having had such a negative episode a few days ago, things have turned around and are just… _nice_. 

He’s beaming, thinking about how happy he can make Erwin by eating a lot of the chocolate – without getting sick. And how he’s gonna try and initiate sex in the middle of the movie, something finally stirring in his belly, making him giggle. Levi thinks about how he’s going to get up from the beanbag when he’ll hear the front door being opened and how he’s gonna greet Erwin, with a kiss on his cheek, and a softly murmured ‘welcome home, honey’; _like a real wife_. The thought of being _Erwin’s wife_ and dressing up for him in silky panties and stockings makes him blush a little, but Erwin _loves_ to see him like that, and when his man is happy… then that’s just the most wonderful thing in the world.

So Levi can’t wait for his man to finally come home.

_…but Erwin doesn’t come home. _

Half an hour passes, and Levi doesn’t hear the car.

Maybe he’s stuck in traffic? Maybe he decided to extend his visit to the local supermarket, already buying groceries for the upcoming days, maybe he’s decided to cook something for tonight? Maybe he’s met someone who keeps him there? Frau Schröder from two houses down the road, an elderly lady who owns a little dachshund – Frido – whom she treats like a little child she’s buying tons of meat for, and who always asks Erwin to mown her lawn and help her move furniture? Maybe she’s telling him about another project, interrupting his shopping trip?

_Levi begins to feel uneasy. _

An hour passes and the fire goes out, and Erwin doesn’t pull up in their drive way.

Maybe he is at Frau Schröder’s place right now, moving her tables around until she’s satisfied? Maybe Gerd from next door has asked him to come over for a beer because he has some problems with his tax return and Erwin’s good at shit like that? But if Erwin did that, he would have called him on the landline – it’s their system. Whenever Erwin knows he is going to be late or stuff is going to last longer than expected he calls their landline – because the man doesn’t want Levi to get worried, or to panic.

_But Levi IS worried and he’s definitely started panicking and Erwin hasn’t called him_.

His heart is beating loudly in his chest and he feels restless. Walking up and down, always to their front windows, peeking round the corner to see whether Erwin’s SUV is coming down the street, parking in their driveway – but it’s not.

Levi’s skin starts to feel itchy, and he begins to scratch his arms. His throat starts to feel sore, as if he was suddenly coming down with something, he looks out of the window – _nothing_.

Two hours pass and Erwin doesn’t come home.

Levi doesn’t have the strength anymore to walk around. He lies still on the beanbag his man has gifted him, wrapped up in his favourite blanket, shivering, missing the warm light of the fire, missing the warmth of Erwin’s strong protective arms, and all he can do is cry.

He’s tried to call Erwin’s cell, something which he isn’t supposed to do, because the man always calls him – but he hasn’t, and so Levi thought it would be okay, his fingers trembling, but it went straight to voicemail, and all Levi could do was cry.

His whole body feels cold, and his bottom lip is bleeding because he has been chewing on it, and he is dizzy again – so dizzy – his eyes are burning, and it feels as if each of his organs was being squeezed by invisible hands, and dark thoughts begin to infiltrate his mind.

Erwin’s tired of him.  
Erwin’s fed up with him.  
Erwin’s sick and tired of taking care of him.  
All he can fucking do is cry.  
Shiver and cry and vomit and sleep.  
Erwin doesn’t deserve this.  
Erwin deserves happiness.  
A fulfilled life.  
An equal partner in his life.  
Someone better than Levi.  
Someone healthy.

…but he doesn’t want to let go of Erwin…!

BECAUSE HE LOVES HIM SO MUCH!

AND SO WHY ISN’T HE HOME YET?

WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?

WHERE? IS? ERWIN?

Where is Erwin?

_Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? Where is Erwin? _

WHERE IS ERWIN???

His heart suddenly almost stops beating as he hears the sound of a car pulling up their drive way.

“…Erwin…?” he whispers, and only then his whole mind and body start re-awakening, and the strength comes back, as he hears the front door being unlocked, being opened, and he slides of the beanbag pillow, swirls around and runs into the hallway, to the entrance, to throw himself into his man’s arms, and then—

“Levi,” says Hange, standing in front of him, their hair dishevelled, and the look on their face… the look on their face… this look on Hange’s worried and pale face… it’s a look he’s seen before; _and everything is back again_.

It crashes over him like the remains of a hundred-year old tower destroyed by the hand of a titan, that grabs him next, twirling him through the air, tossing him away like lifeless ball, throwing him right back into hell, making him land on that god forsaken rooftop of Shiganshina, the serum in his hand, Erwin’s arm fleeing from his grasp, chaos, decay, despair and destruction all around them – and through all of this all cuts Hange’s voice.

_‘He’s already dead…’ _

“Levi,” he hears them speaking again, but it’s like their voice is coming from behind one of the walls and he doesn’t see their lips moving on the rooftop.

_‘He’s already dead…’ _

And he sees Erwin’s stiff body, his blood seeping down the battered tiles in little rivulets, sees the lifeless eyes that had once been of a mesmerising shade of blue… 

_‘He’s already dead…’ _

“Levi!” 

And Levi screams. 

He screams out his pain and sorrow, his anger, his desperation. He screams out his woe and regrets. He screams at the gods, at the titans, at Erwin, Hange, his comrades. He screams at his fate, his mind, his heart.

He screams so loudly he feels as if his throat is about to rip apart – and he doesn’t care.

He screams.

And he wails.

Levi howls.

Thick tears streaming down his cheeks, the rooftop and Erwin’s dead body becoming blurry, and he doesn’t want to let got. 

HE DOESN’T WANT TO LET GO OF ERWIN – but someone’s pulling him from behind, pulling him off the rooftop, pulling him out of Shiganshina.

_‘He’s already dead…’ _

“No!!!!” Levi screeches, holding out his hand, trying to grab Erwin, to hold onto him, just a little while longer, please...! 

But he’s not strong enough, he doesn’t have his gear, he can’t fight this hard pull, this tug, that sends him flying onto the ground, hit the hard floor, and when he opens his eyes, there is chaos all around him. Other chaos. New chaos. In his and Erwin’s living room. And he hears Hange’s alerted voice screaming: “_Mike! Don’t!_ He’s just…!”

But it’s too late, and the last thing Levi sees, is Mike’s face pulled into utter anger and the man’s giants hand flying through the air – and when it crashes against his face, Levi’s ears start to ring – and his world goes black.

Hange’s deep voice in the background whispering _‘he’s already dead…’_ as Levi passes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I cried when I wrote this. I'll see you in the next chapter. Comments are always appreciated. And if you need something funny and fluffy to dry your tears: Jump right over to my porn star fic "Uncensored".
> 
> And once more: I enjoy discussing your theories about what is going on here and how this is going to end SO MUCH. Thank you for this!


	8. Chapter 8

Levi’s flying through the air. He’s only got a little gas left. _Where’s his squad?_ He cuts the neck of a fairly unimpressive titan, coming to land on a broad branch of a tree, watching the lifeless body of the monster drop down onto the ground, beginning to dissipate. He hears the screams of terror in the distance, hears his comrades’ cries of death, and anger surges through his body. _Where’s Eren?_ The smell of blood suddenly invades his senses and something warm drips onto his cheek. He startles, looks up, and sees the mangled corpse of a soldier hanging from higher up in the tree, the human body clearly chewed on, eyes nearly all white, mouth twisted into a still grimace of pain, the unknown man’s fair hair full of dirt – and more blood which is trickling down onto Levi. _Where’s Erwin?_ A current of primal fear courses through his veins as he thinks of his commander. _Where is he?_

And that’s when, out of the corners of his eyes, he sees something imposing and terrifying appearing right next to him, coming out of nowhere, soundless, manifesting almost like a ghost. 

Slowly, Levi turns his head, and his whole body starts shaking, anger, terror and sorrow mingling together, creating a venomous concoction, as he looks into the eyes of the Beast Titan, and the images of Erwin’s weak body, the enormous blood stain on his torso, his lover’s expressionless eyes invade his mind like a storm, blowing everything else away, bringing destruction and despair.

_‘He’s already dead…’ _

Levi’s eyes fill with tears as he lunges forward, not caring that this might be his final attack, because he is ready to die – as long as he takes that motherfucking ape down to hell with him. “I promised him!” he screams as he throws himself at the abomination that dares to laugh hideously at him – and then it’s too late.

Again, he sees it appearing out of the corner of his eyes, a huge shadow, and when his eyes move to focus on whatever it is, the ridiculously big hand of the ape holding a rock crashes right into him. The impact is painful, as his face collides with the stone, and it feels as if his brain was trying to break through and out of his skull, his whole body on fire, and Levi knows he’s lost. He’s lost this important battle, _lost his chance to keep his promise to Erwin. _ “No!” he screams. “I swore to him!” and blood seeps out of his mouth and his whole body goes numb and the world around him turns black. 

_No…!_

He falls. 

Levi falls.

He’s falling down a tree, a building, a tunnel into the underground and his body feels light.

The passage is never-ending, and the feeling of gliding so effortlessly through the air almost lulls him back into oblivion.

_No…!_

_I promised him! _

He screams internally at himself to not give in, for his body not to go limp. Levi screams at himself to open his fucking eyes. His fingers try to activate the grapple hooks – but he feels nothing, because there _is_ nothing. He’s not wearing his gear. And he’s falling.

He’s falling.

_No…!_

“Open your eyes!” a voice instructs him – and he knows it, knows this voice, so familiar, and deep and…

_Kenny…!_

Shock and adrenaline flow through Levi’s body in a wicked current.

Kenny!

No…

No.

_It’s Erwin. _

And that’s when he stops falling. That’s when Levi manages to do just that, open his eyes. At least a little, because they feel as if someone had covered them with heavy metal. He’s squinting at something familiar, something he knows – a room – but it confuses him anyways, because… wasn’t he just in the forest right now? Wasn’t he just…?

Voices coming from right next to him startle him. _And none of them belong to Kenny or Erwin. _

“…we need to get a doctor if he doesn’t wake up soon…”

“Fuck, I… I really didn’t… I didn’t…”

“I know.”

“Fuck… I…”

“Mike… Mike, it’s… _it’s all right._”

“None of this is _all right_, Hange. _None_ of it! Fuck…!”

Levi tries to move his body, but it’s so heavy, it’s just so heavy, and he can’t even open his eyes fully, still squinting, his lids betraying him, trying to fall shut again, the outlines of Erwin’s and his bedroom becoming blurry once again, and his mind not able to fully register the words he’s trying to pick up on so hard.

“…have you heard anything from Nana?”

“…no… I… I will call her in a bit.”

“She said she will call us when there’s gonna be some news. So don’t… just… Just wait, Mike.”

“How do you fucking expect me to _just wait_?! I should be _by his side_, not _here_, taking care of his retarded boyfriend, going all apeshit crazy, screaming bloody murder out of fucking nowhere, and trying to fucking _kill you_ because he’s having another one of his fucking monster episodes, that—“

“_Mike_! Snap the fuck out of it and stop talking bullshit!”

“…I…”

“Calm the fuck down, _Michael Sebastian-Alexander Zacharias_, or _I’m_ gonna be the one going all apeshit crazy on _you_! And trust me: Nanaba would fucking support me on this one! Don’t take this out on Levi. Of all the fucking people: _not_ Levi.”

“…I…”

Levi hears something like a rustling, a sigh and a sob – _and he still can’t move, and his mind is still swimming, and—_

“…I… I didn’t _mean_ to hurt him so badly, god… I… I couldn’t control myself, my… my strength, I… I fucking _snapped_, Hange, _I lost it_, thinking about Erwin, and then he was… God, I won’t forget those terrifying screams ever again in my life…”

“…me neither…”

“And then he was lunging at you with this, this… He had this _really, really_ crazy look in his eyes and I was sure he was gonna hurt you, the way he roared and jumped at you and… fuck, it looked as if he was freaking _assaulting_ you, and… _I just snapped…_”

“Mike… I know… I was scared for a moment, too… But… But Levi would have never meant hurt me. Never. You know he… you know he’s way too fragile to really cause any damage anyway…”

“I know he wouldn’t _mean_ it, Hange… But what if he’d had a fucking knife in his hand? Thinking you’re… whatever was going on in his head at that moment? Would you have been able to dodge it? You don’t need to be freaking Popeye to hurt someone with a knife, especially not when you’re going for their _face_…”

“…but Levi _didn’t_ have a knife…”

“No, he didn’t, but he _could_ have…!”

“…but he didn’t.”

There’s another deep sigh.

“No. He didn’t. Ad that just makes it so much worse that I fucking punched him like that… and… I didn’t… I didn’t mean to say all those nasty things about him right now, god, who the fuck am I… I…”

“I know… Mike… _I know_… It’s all right… your emotions got the better of you. It’s only human.”

Levi tries to put meaning behind the words he’s heard and suddenly worries as there is silence – is he drifting off again? But then the voices continue.

“…I shouldn’t have come here. I should be with Erwin…”

“Erwin would want you _right here_, with Levi. Because he’s always trusted you the most. And deep down you know that. That’s why you’re his emergency contact.”

Levi hears another sound resembling a deep sigh.

“You know it, Mike,” says Hange.

“…yeah…” answers Erwin’s best friend, letting out another one of those deep and heavy sighs, as the world around Levi becomes clearer. “…and here I am knocking out his boyfriend, what kind of best mate and emergency contact am I, huh?”

Then, a phone rings.

“Nana!” Mikes exclaims, and Levi holds his breath. “Oh fuck… Oh god… Is he… What is with his a—? Fuck… _Is Erwin going to be okay?_”

And that’s when Levi’s heart starts to fucking hammer in his chest as if trying to pump energy and strength into every single crevice of his body.

_Erwin’s alive._

_Isn’t he…?_

ISN’T HE?!

ERWIN IS ALIVE!

_Open your eyes. Open your god damned eyes. Open your fucking eyes, Levi…!_

He’s calling upon every fibre of his being, trying to focus, even though his head is still swimming a bit; he tries to steady it. Tries to move. 

_Shit, fucking shit, move! MOVE!_

And he does. And as he does, his head throbs, and it’s so painful, that a loud and deep groan escapes his mouth – but he’s moving, turning his head to the side, even though it hurts, makes his vision go white for just a second, but then everything is in focus again, his eyes settling on Hange, who has literally jumped up and towards the bed he is lying on, now kneeling in front of it, both of their hands clasping the mattress. 

“Levi!” they exclaim, their voice gentle but also laced with so much concern. “Levi, are you—“

“Erwin…” he croaks, “…Erwin… Where…?”

“Nan, Levi’s waking up,” he hears Mike say into his mobile phone, “I… Yeah, I’ll call you back in a minute. _I love you_.”

Levi’s eyes shift to look at Mike who is coming closer, and that angered expression of his from before – yesterday, an hour ago, last week? Levi can’t tell – comes back to him, and he tenses up; but the big man’s face is so soft now, sad even, _regretful_ and _warm. _

“Are you okay, man?” he asks him, his voice almost a whisper now, and Levi doesn’t know the answer to that question.

“…E-Erwin…” he repeats his man’s name again, memories from what happened – from what happened _in this life_ – suddenly taking over his mind in a rush, like a freaking big waterfall, pushing the Beast Titan and the rooftop away. “…_Erwin!_”

Hange puts a hand onto his shoulder, smiling ever so softly. “Erwin was in a car accident,” they explain carefully, and panic seeps through Levi’s brain – because maybe he got it wrong, maybe he got it _all wrong_, and Erwin is _not_ alive, maybe his brain has fucked him over again, like it always does, because he’s fucking stupid, his sanity eaten away by titans and cartoon characters from all the movies he constantly watches, and tears shoot into his eyes as these realisations cross his mind and he needs to know, needs to hear it, has to end that chaos and the confusion inside of his mind, the dizziness, the throbbing, the pain, Levi needs to know and—

“Is he dead?” he now _screams_ at Hange, who startles. “IS HE DEAD?!”

“No!” Mike interjects vehemently. “He’s not dead, Levi… Erwin’s alive.”

…and Levi lets out a sob – one full of relief, and it hurts his throat so much, but he doesn’t care because…

_Because Erwin’s alive…!_

Erwin’s alive.

ERWIN. IS. ALIVE.

Erwin’s alive, Erwin’s alive, Erwin’s alive, Erwin’s alive, Erwin’s alive, Erwin’s alive!

_Erwin’s alive! _

…but then what is so wrong with him?

_What happened?_

_Where is he? _

WHERE IS HE?

Hange’s fingers start stroking his shoulder. “He’s in the hospital right now,” they continue, their voice still calm and gentle, as if they had heard Levi’s thoughts and the raven-haired sobs again, “he was hurt pretty badly, but he isn’t in a critical condition.”

“…is he… what…? …how?”

“Another car crashed into Erwin’s vehicle on the crossroads, the driver ran a red light…” Hange continuous to tell him, still talking gently and slowly, “some… some of his ribs are broken and he has a concussion, a few contusions and… and his _arm_…” Hange says—

_…and that’s where everything shatters again. _

Suddenly, there’s another shift inside of Levi’s mind, as if someone had thrown it into a blender, all those memories, those pictures of Erwin’s wounds being tended to after their mission, his screams when he finally didn’t have to focus on the battle anymore, how he passed out eventually, how Levi waited for him to wake the fuck up, how he feared for the worst, how he was angry that Erwin didn’t take the time to recover, how he was scared his lover would get an infection that would eat his commander away slowly, delivering an insidious death, how Erwin just wouldn’t listen to anyone, how he went out onto the field with that stump turning him into titan food, how he fucking died on that rooftop and…

_And now it was happening all over again. _

Erwin’s arm.  
Mike’s death.  
Nanaba’s death.  
Moblit’s death.  
_Erwin’s death. _

It had begun.

History repeating itself.

“No…!” he sobs, his whole body trembling, fingers clawing into the duvet covering his body. “No…! _No, no, no, no, no!_”

“Levi…” Hange’s voice is coming from somewhere close, and he tries to focus on it, but he fails, because the screams of terror, the wails of imminent death and mourning are too loud, and he covers his ears, as if this would help him; but it doesn’t. Because it’s all in his head. It’s in his head and he can’t stop it. He can’t stop the tears from pouring out of his eyes and down his cheeks, can’t stop the memories from replaying in his mind, can’t stop the feeling they’re evoking; the pain that a realization brings.

_‘It’s your fault,’_ a voice whispers, shushing all the other noises. It’s a female voice, high and clear, innocent. Familiar.

_Isabel. _

And Levi sees her decapitated head lying on the muddy ground in the rain, the blood almost not distinguishable from the red hair framing her face that had once beamed, her lips that would never pull into a smile again purple.

_‘It’s your fault,’_ breathes another voice, filling the void. It’s male, deep and clear, sad. Familiar.

_Farlan. _

And Levi sees his body being bitten in half, hitting the ground like an inanimate thing, like trash, eyes rolled to the back of his head, his mouth that would never again form teasing remarks about his clean-freak brother wide open and still.

_‘It’s your fault,’ says Gunther._  
‘It’s your fault,’ says Eld.  
‘It’s your fault,’ says Olou.  
‘It’s your fault,’ says Petra. 

_‘It’s your fault,’_ says Erwin.

“It’s my fault,” says Levi.

_It’s his fault. _

It’s his fault, yes, his and his alone.

“Sweety, no,” Hange tries to object, but Levi won’t have it.

“Shut up, four eyes!” he growls at her, now sitting hunched over in the bed, both of his hands buried in his hair, and the crazy titan lover flinches, because Levi’s voice is low and menacing.

“Levi—“

“Shut up! _Shut up, shut up, shut up!_ SHUT! UP!” he screams, tugging at his black strands, making his throbbing scalp hurt; but nothing compares to the pain inside of him.

Minty chocolates. Erwin had driven in the cold and dark night to the freaking supermarket to get him insignificant sweets. He would have been fine without them. Fucking minty chocolates to bloody celebrate him not having a nightmare. Pathetic.

_It’s his fault. _

Erwin’s arm.  
Mike’s death.  
Nanaba’s death.  
Moblit’s death.  
_Erwin’s death. _

It was happening again.

Because he had invaded Erwin’s life and the life of all of his friends. 

They had been fine without him, their souls reborn without any echo of their past life, their pitiful life, their cruel life. A clean, innocent slate – and Levi had tainted them all. He’d brought it all back, the pain, the despair, the worry, the violence, the anger, and soon: _termination_.

_He_ was the toxic element of Erwin’s life, just like he had been before. The eyesore from the underground that should’ve never become the commander’s right-hand man, never acquired the rank of captain, let alone turned into Erwin Smith’s lover – _his personal angel of death_. It had been his fate to kill Erwin. He hadn’t become the man’s assassin, but in the end Lovof’s gotten what he wanted anyway; Erwin’s corpse. Because of Levi. Because of his decision. 

He’d killed Farlan, Isabel, he couldn’t save his squad from the Female Titan, he couldn’t keep his promise.

Because he was and is useless.

Because all Levi accomplishes is murder. 

_It’s his fault._

He’d wanted to save Erwin in this life by not making any decisions anymore, but he had done the complete opposite – by choosing to be with him in this life in the first place.

_It’s his fault._

“Levi…!”

“SHUT UP! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!” he yells, spitting in the process; and the doesn’t care.

“Levi…!” this time it’s Mike’s voice, and their eyes meet, and Levi can tell, oh he can tell that Mike can tell, that he is an abomination, _Erwin’s retarded boyfriend_. He can see the man’s disgust for him, the unmasked contempt oozing from every pore. Mike can see it all, smell it, taste it. He’s looking right into Levi’s soul – and he sees it for what it is. A foul, rotting thing, bringing upon nothing but disease; the darkest pit of hell.

And it’s good.

Yes.

_It’s good._

Because they need to stay away from him. It’s the only way to keep them safe, alive – breathing

“Fuck off,” Levi scoffs, but those two idiots won’t even flinch. “Fuck off!” he tries again, more tears gathering in his eyes because it hurts to be so cruel to them, to Hange and Mike, who mean so much to him, so much to Erwin. But he doesn’t have a choice. “FUCK OFF!” he screams, grabbing Erwin’s book still lying on the nightstand – and then he throws it, missing Hange only by a few centimetres. “FUCK! OFF! LEAVE ME ALONE!” he wails, the tears once again making it so hard for Levi to see clearly, the salty wetness mixing with his sweat, burning his eyes. “_Fuck off!_” 

Levi’s grabbing anything he can lay his hands on – and he’s throwing it at Mike and Hange; the half empty plastic bottle of water next to the bed, the alarm clock, the phone charger, even the little lamp that shatters as it hits the wall – and finally, he sees the two people he holds dear retreat, Hange’s eyes wide, Mike’s even wider, and the man’s pulling his friend out of there, and then the door falls shut and—

And then the sadness explodes inside of Levi’s chests, as if his heart had truly ben broken into two parts, and a pathetic broken sob escapes his mouth. “_Erwin_…” he whimpers, the images of the bloodied stump still swamping his mind, no matter what he does, and Levi throws himself back onto the mattress, covers himself all the blankets, his body moving into a foetal position, his arms wrapping around his bent legs, curling himself into a ball, his throat growing sore from all the crying; and he can’t stop.

He can’t stop his tears.  
Levi can’t stop his sobs.  
He cannot stop his whimpering.

And his chest feels as if somebody was stepping onto it, trying to break his bones, his body. His head is still throbbing and he feels cold, Levi feels so cold despite the thick blanket covering his form, and he’s shivering, and he realizes he’s still crying, he’s crying, so hard and so loudly that his throat hurts, and he wouldn’t be surprised if he started spitting blood, because it feels so raw, and his jaw hurts too, because the crying is causing his face to contort and he’s pulling ugly grimaces, and he can’t control it, his whole body jerking and flinching as he lets out those wails and sobs, and he should be happy Erwin’s alive, but he knows it’s just a matter of time until the man’s heart stops beating – _if he stays with him_. And knowing that hurts. It hurts so much Levi feels as if his whole being was just about to be ripped apart by an unknown force, a titan, a ghost, anything, as if there were so many hands tugging at him, grabbing at him, pulling him into different directions – and suddenly he finds himself on the floor, and Hange’s and Mike’s voices are back, no, _Nanabas’s_ and Mike’s, and their loud and panicked, agitated, angry even, and there’s a third voice.

_Zackly_.

That’s when Levi snaps back into reality, and his whole body is thrashing about as he is trying to rip himself away from Mike, escape his grasp, trying to claw, bite and kick and shove, but it’s no use, because just like Erwin Mike is strong, maybe even a little bit stronger than Erwin, and Erwin’s best friend’s massive hands are wrapped around his body, holding onto his arms, pressing his back against Mike’s broad chest, a soft fucking _wall_, holding him in his lap, and Levi realises he’s cursing, calling Mike a fucking imbecile and motherfucker, telling him to piss off and eat a dick, and then he blinks and sees uncle Darius’ squatting down right in front of him, and the geezer has a very scary expression on his face and he’s saying something to Levi, but he won’t listen, blood rushing in his ears, and he’s screaming at Zackly, calling him a fucking fat bastard, telling him to ram his own foot up his arse, and that’s when uncle Darius suddenly grabs his face gruffly with both of his hands, and they’re are ice cold, and the coldness causes some kind of shock to run through Levi’s body, like lightening, forced adrenaline to course through his system and he instantly shuts his mouth, and everything comes into focus again, and he’s trembling, because the sun is shining outside. 

_…and hasn’t it just been night-time...?! _

“Levi,” says Zackly, voice clear, loud and stern, “stop fighting. If you don’t calm down and start taking your meds again, I will be forced to put you back into the clinic and lock you up, and if I do that, you won’t be back when Erwin comes home. Do you want that? Do you want Erwin to come into an empty house when all he can think of is having you in his arms again? Do you want this, Levi? Do you want to be institutionalised again?”

Levi’s still trembling, but his body is going limp again, because Zackly’s words are scary, and he _doesn’t_ want to be a patient in the closed ward again, not ever again – _but he can’t be here when Erwin returns._

He won’t be.

Even though it kills him from the inside. But he’s made up his mind. He doesn’t have a choice. And that’s good – because Levi sucks at making decisions, as he’s proved time after time. 

“There you go,” mumbles uncle Darius and he’s offering Levi a smile and the pressure of Mike’s hands and arms around his body lessens and Erwin’s best friend releases a sort of relieved sigh when Levi’s body finally relaxes fully and Zackly pushes the cocktail of pills into his mouth and makes him swallow it, lifting up his chin as he forces him to drink water to down the medicine.

“Holy shit…” Levi hears Nanaba mutter and watches, out of the corners of his eyes, how she lets herself fall down onto a chair brought into his bedroom, sighing loudly, her eyes closed, a single big tear rolling down her pale cheek; _and he feels so bad_.

“Put him back to bed,” Zackly instructs, his words obviously directed at Mike, who lifts Levi up as if he was feather, placing him on the mattress, covering him with the blankets, and Levi won’t look him in the eye, can’t look him in the eyes – because Mike can see right through him and he can’t let that happen, can’t let Mike in on his secret, because of Erwin’s friends knew, they would try to stop him, and they _can’t_ stop him, because that would kill them, and Levi’s not letting it happen all over again, and even if he’s fucked up in the beginning and it’s too late to save Erwin’s arm, he can save all of their lives – _and he will_.

But until then, he has to… he has to sleep, because he’s tired, his eyelids heavy, the voices around him mingling into a mixture of undiscernible murmurs and—

Levi wakes up and it’s dark outside, dark inside of the room, only the moonlight illuminates the outlines of the furniture, the door, and Levi needs a few moments before his head stops spinning and he can take in the reality surrounding him. He can hear voices coming from downstairs, and his heart stops for a second, because he is almost sure he can hear Erwin – but it’s Moblit speaking, he realizes as he creeps through the chamber and slowly, soundlessly, opens the door and moves out into the upper hallway, towards the stairs, to get a chance to listen closely; it’s Moblit and Hange, walking around the house, talking about trivial things.

“…we also need to stock up on water, I just checked Erwin’s basement, there are only empty bottles left,” says Hange.

“Got it,” answers Moblit.

“Also get some fruit, Levi likes apples the most, but not the sweet kind, if I remember correctly.”

“Yeah, we should also get a bit of orange juice, I know he likes that.”

“Uh-huh, good idea.”

“All right, you clean the kitchen I’ll do the groceries?” Moblit asks.

“Consider it done!”

A few minutes later he hears the front door open and close, and then something shatters in the kitchen and Hange is cursing like a sailor – and Levi normally would have laughed, but this time he doesn’t. Because it hurts. It hurts so much because he knows that what he is experiencing now will be some of the last moments he will share with Hange. And it makes his chest hurt and his throat go tight, and he can’t stop his body, his legs carrying him down the stairs, can’t stop him from startling Hange, maybe even scaring them a little, as he walks up behind them and puts his arms around their slender form, his face pressing against their back.

“Levi!” they exclaim letting the plate they’d been holding fall down onto the floor and split into a thousand pieces; but Levi doesn’t even flinch, his eyes shut tightly, burning because of the tears wanting to escape. “…Levi…” Hange repeats his name, their voice so much softer this time, and Levi almost sobs. “…are you okay? Do you need me to make you something to eat?”

Levi shakes his head, that is being flooded by so many memories of their time spent together in his past life, when he joined the Survey Corps, during their first expeditions, how they developed a special bond, how they spent some of the nights just talking or sipping on some whiskey together, watching the younger Scouts have fun, when Erwin was off to the capitol, how they held each other after Erwin’s death, when there was finally time to mourn – and it all just almost rips him apart.

“Why… why are you here…?” he asks them, his own voice weak and broken. And Hange explains that they agreed on each taking turns to stay with him, watch over him, make sure he takes his meds and has something to eat. 

“Erwin’s awake and feeling better, you know…” Hange suddenly tells him and Levi tenses up, and there’s two warriors fighting each other in his heart. A part of him wants to tell Hange to drive him to the hospital so that he can embrace Erwin and kiss him, lie with him, stroke his remaining arm, card his fingers through his hair, tell him just how much he loves him – the other part wants to run away; because he’s poison for Erwin. Levi’s poison for Hange. Levi’s poison for Moblit. Levi’s poison for Mike and Nanaba. Maybe he’s even poison for Zackly. “…should we call Erwin so you can speak to him?” Hange asks and Levi freezes – then, the other side, the rational side, winning, he shakes his head. “But… But he asked me to have you call him when you get out of bed…” Hange stutters.

Then, Levi lets go of them and takes a few steps back, shaking his head, and the red-haired turns around, slight confusion and uncertainty painted all over their face. “…no…” Levi murmurs. Because he knows that if he hears Erwin’s voice, his whole resolve will crumble, his whole plan fail – and if that happens, Erwin will die. He will die _again_. And Levi doesn’t want him to die again! He _can’t_ let him die again. Not again! Not this time! No!

“Levi—“

“No!” Levi screams, taking a few more steps back, the shards of the plate cutting into his feet, and he doesn’t care.

“Levi! Watch out, you’re hurting yourself!”

“No!” Levi repeats and backs further away, Hange’s facial expression now highlighted by shock and fear.

“Levi—“

“No!” he shouts. “Don’t call Erwin! Don’t you fucking call Erwin, shitty glasses, or I swear to fuck…!”

“Okay!” Hange’s panicked voice cuts him off and they’re holding both of their hands up in the air, signalling defeat. “I won’t call him, I promise, Levi. Just please – let me take care of you, let me… your feet are bleeding, please let me help you.”

Only then Levi lowers his head to look at the red mess on the floor, and he swallows dryly, the slight physical pain catching up to him, because the cuts aren’t deep, just… there. “O-okay…” he mumbles, and Hange immediately gets to work.

He hears them and Moblit have a hushes heated discussion later when he’s lying back in bed, the bedroom door open, having been fed a light a sandwich and his meds, and his chest hurts so much, because he feels so bad, and knowing that soon he won’t see them and Erwin ever again is suffocating.

_But he doesn’t have a choice. _

And that’s why he calls upon every single ounce of his sense and strength to prepare. Soundlessly, secretly, packing up his bag pack, readying his clothes, gathering little souvenirs, pictures of all those beautiful times spent with the people he holds so dear. Lots of photos of Erwin and him, and when he looks at the image of the smiling blond man, he almost loses it, crying himself to sleep, almost throwing his plan down the gutter.

_But he doesn’t have a choice. _

Erwin’s arm.  
Mike’s death.  
Nanaba’s death.  
Moblit’s death.  
_Erwin’s death_. 

It was happening again.

_And Levi needed to stop it. _

That’s why he waits, he crawls and he sneaks, that’s why he listens – and ceases the perfect opportunity, says goodbye to Nanaba who has suddenly been called into work because of a sick co-worker, telling him that Mike will be downstairs and help him with anything he needs, and she lets herself be hugged long by Levi, chuckling, petting his hair, and she’s clueless. She doesn’t know that this is their final parting, and it hurts Levi so much, who inhales her scent, who focusses on the fact that without him her beautiful life will continue and she will be happy with Mike, maybe they’ll start a family or get a dog, or both, and he has to smile picturing their bright and simple future without any fears and worries; it’s the only thing that keeps him from breaking down. And when Nanaba is gone, he sneaks into Erwin’s office – and he writes him a letter.

He tells this beautiful man, the love of both of his lives, of his future lives, that he is thankful for every single second spent together – and that the overwhelming love he harbours for him is reason that forces Levi to leave Erwin’s side; love and _guilt_. Because he wants Erwin to live, and he tells him of how he lost his arm in their past life because of a titan, reminds him of the following events that he’s told to him before continued, and that he had to prevent history from repeating itself, that he wants him to be happy, to grow old, explore the world, be surrounded by cherished friends, maybe even start his own family; and he can’t do all of this when Levi is by his side.

Because Levi is his death.

_And that’s why Levi doesn’t have a choice._

That’s why he is grateful for Mike being alone with him for once and so predictable in this life, his sense of smell only being activated when it comes to food – because the man always falls asleep while watching TV after having a big lunch Nanaba’s prepared for him, and when Mike’s snoring reaches Levi’s ears, the raven knows that it’s time to go – and it almost breaks his heart.

He places the letter onto Erwin’s desk, lets his eyes roam around the office of the man stuffed with books – just like his old one, when the blond called himself commander. His hand brushes over the little brown leather couch where he’s spent so many hours on, watching Erwin grade papers of his students, reminding him of the times in the barracks, where he’d done the same – but instead of classwork Erwin signed death notices, and Levi sighs, walks over their bedroom, where he sheds a few tears, because he’s swamped with all the memories of Erwin holding him tenderly, caressing him, whispering words of adoration into his ear, of falling asleep in his man’s arms – and it almost breaks his heart.

He sneaks down the stairs, and his chest constricts as he takes a look at Mike, sleeping so peacefully on the beanbag with an open mouth, hands folded over his broad chest, sleeping so deeply, so carelessly – because he doesn’t have serious worries in his life. And it’s beautiful, and that’s why Levi has to go, because Mike deserves so much; he gave his heart for Erwin, for humanity, and now he needs to be given his reward: a wonderful life with lots of love and content, and that’s why Levi has to go – and it almost breaks his heart.

Levi’s chest hurts as he steals money out of Mike’s wallet, but he doesn’t have a choice. Erwin’s the only one with cash and their bank card, Levi’s pay goes directly onto the man’s account, and Erwin manages all the finances, so Levi doesn’t have a choice, and it hurts, but Mike will understand – because Levi is saving their lives; and because he’s always been a criminal, hasn’t he? And people don’t change, do they?

His body feels heavy as he is taking the lasts steps through this house that means so much to him, his home, _their_ home, and he takes one last look at everything, trying to memorise every single detail of it, burn it into his brain, his skull, hearing Erwin’s tender voice inside of his head telling him all those lovely things the man’s told him here, the blond’s carefree and sincere laughter, making Levi smile even now, and then, with an even heavier heart, Levi opens the front door – and is gone.

_Because he doesn’t have a choice_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a ride so far... and listening to the AoT soundtrack while writing this was not the best idea. *wipes away some tears*
> 
> My dear readers, we have two more chapters ahead of us. So we're headed for the big finale... and I am so scared...
> 
> Thank you SO much for all your comments and the discussions on theories we've had via Twitter and here. 
> 
> Having you comment on AO3 means a lot as it truly encourages other readers to take a look inside, so I have been told, so I feel very grateful if you leave me some lines here. THANK YOU!!! I love all your feedback and I wish I could discuss more with you, but then I don't want to spoiler anything.


	9. Chapter 9

Levi walks across the street, his street, _their_ street, and he doesn’t look back. He walks towards the bus stop, and he doesn’t look back. He waits for the bus, and he doesn’t look back. He gets on it, paying for his ticket with shaky hands with the stolen money, and he doesn’t look back – and he’s glad that he is the first person to enter the vehicle, because this is where the route of this particular line actually begins, and when he is seated and the bus starts moving, and a new chapter of his miserable life begins – Levi can’t take it anymore and finally _looks_ back.

And it breaks his heart. 

He can’t even see their house from here, because the bus stop is too far away, a fact that Erwin enjoys because he wouldn’t want waiting people to peep into their home out of boredom – but it doesn’t matter anymore. Not to Levi at least. Because the house he’s left _is not his home anymore_.

And it breaks his heart.

_But he doesn’t have a choice_.

Tears gather in his eyes and there’s this tiny voice inside of his head begging him to get out at the next stop; it’s not even that far away, he could _walk_ back and it wouldn’t take this much time. He could sneak in through a window, not even waking up Mike, put the man’s money back into the leather wallet, hide in his bed and pretend he’s never left the house, and then tomorrow he could ask Hange or Nanaba to drive him to the hospital to see Erwin and—

No.

NO.

NO!

Levi cannot be selfish. 

He has to go.

If he wants Erwin to live, he has to go. 

And there is nothing more that he desires than for Erwin’s heart to keep beating, for the man to live a fulfilled life, the one he deserves and deserved, one where he doesn’t have to sacrifice all of himself for people who view him as a monster anyway.

That’s why Levi has to go.

That’s why he remains seated on the bus, holding back the tears with all his might, his fingers digging and clawing into the fabric of his bag pack as more people board the bus, the closer it gets to the subway station, and Levi feels uncomfortable, with all those stranger’s eyes resting on him. Because he isn’t used to this anymore, to so many unknown human beings around him within the confines of such a small and moving space. How long has it been? When’s the last time he used public transportation? 

_Before he moved in with Erwin._

Because the man doesn’t let Levi go out on his own, doesn’t want him to use to bus or subway or train, because he always drives him, or they take a cab, _together_, or one of their friends give them a lift, and—

_And that’s all in the past now_.

And it breaks Levi’s heart.

_But he doesn’t have a choice_.

That’s why Levi’s gritting his teeth, fingernails pushing deeper into the fabric of his bag pack, telling himself to just go through with this. But then, when he exits the bus to switch to the subway, he freezes. Because… _there are just so many people…!_ And seeing the crowds, all talking, hurrying, laughing, yelling, staring, _staring at him_, walking past him, brushing him with their arms… it makes Levi’s skin instantly crawl, and he’s looking around his eyes searching for Erwin, for his protective and calming arms and, ah… _he’s not here_. 

Of course, he’s not here.

He never _will be_ again.

Levi’s alone.

All alone again. 

There’s no one to help him, no one to shield him, no one to guide him, no one to provide anything.

_He’s all alone_.

And it breaks his heart.

And it’s scary. So freaking, fucking scary, and all those people are looking at him, with dead and angry eyes, and it’s so fucking cold, and… and Levi has no freaking idea where he’s even _going_. 

What the hell was he thinking? Just planning for the perfect moment to leave the house, but having no freaking clue what to do next; he’s so fucking, fucking stupid. A useless piece of shit, and his throat is hurting so much, and his heart is pounding so loudly, and which subway is he supposed to take anyway?! He’s never been to this station before, he doesn’t have a map, didn’t take his phone, because he cannot be reached, not by Erwin, nor any of his friends—

_Will Erwin try to call him? Will Mike try to call him? Will Erwin’s friends go out looking for him? Will the blond—_

No.

NO!

Levi doesn’t have a choice. _He has to go_.

Look for a map somewhere. There are maps at stations, right? Right?! 

His feet are shaking as he descends to the platforms, and there he celebrates a little moment of success, because Levi’s right, and there _is_ a big map of the town, and thanks to the red dot representing the station on this map, he knows now where he is, but… He still has no idea where to _go_. He doesn’t have any friends, except for those whose lives he’s just left forever, he doesn’t have family where he could run to, doesn’t have any acquaintances he could contact, Levi has _shit_. 

He doesn’t even have his ID on him, because Erwin holds onto it. All he has are the 100 Euros he stole out of Mike’s wallet.

_What the hell is he going to do with that? _

He can’t check into a hotel or hostel without any ID, right? How would he even find one? He’s never done this before! And wouldn’t he spend all his money for just one night? And what would he do after that? He has to get a flat! _But how? _

Manny’s helped him with all that welfare shit. The office worker that was more like his caretaker helped him fill out all the forms Levi needed to fill out, just as the raven was getting out of the ward. The hospital’s set him up with the man beforehand, who found him a small flat for little money for people like him, helped him to find that cleaning side job where he was able to earn a little bit without having to pay taxes on the little income, set him up with everything so that Levi could just _live_ and function somehow, and when he moved in with Erwin, _Erwin_ took care of cancelling or adjusting everything, because Erwin takes care of _all the things_ concerning Levi, because Erwin knows best and Levi knows shit, can’t do shit, and now he’s all alone and Erwin isn’t _here_ to help him, and Levi has no idea what to do, because Erwin can’t lead him, and his eyes are burning, and his teeth a clattering, because it’s so cold, and he doesn’t want to cry, not in a public space, not where people can see him – they are already staring at him, aren’t they?! – and he bites his bottom lip, to be able to focus on this pain instead, his nails digging into his thighs, and he’s scared, Levi is so fucking scared, because he doesn’t know where to go, what to do, and he is helpless; there is no one to help him, no one to turn to, _and it’s so fucking cold…!_

And when the train rolls into the station and the doors open and so many people get off it, it all just _overwhelms_ Levi and he wants to run away, _but he is already running away_, and it takes four more trains to arrive and leave and four more masses of people to flood and leave the station, until Levi finally manages to push himself and board one, and he instantly remembers why he hates the subway, because there are no single but only double seats, facing each other, so he can’t relax, because he cannot be alone, and the further the train gets to the city centre, the more people get on it, and there’s always two people facing him and a third stranger right sitting next to him, and Levi fidgets, is tense, doesn’t know what to do with his legs and arms, his hands, doesn’t know where to look, because the window of the subway train is reflecting everything, and so he can’t look out, because then he’d be only staring at people, and he doesn’t want to stare at people, because they could get angry at him, and he doesn’t want people to get angry at him, doesn’t want them to be staring at _him_, feels vulnerable, stupid, Levi feels embarrassed and nervous _and where is Erwin’s massive hand grounding him when the man places it onto his thigh to rub it soothingly? _

It’s not here. 

And Erwin only has _one hand_ left. Because of _him_.

And it breaks his heart.

And that’s why Levi has to leave. Even though every fibre of his being is screaming at him to turn around and go back, flee to his safe space, their home.

But the house he left isn’t his anymore. The friends he left behind aren’t his anymore. The man he’s parted from isn’t his anymore.

_And it has to be this way_.

Levi knows. Yet he still dreads – everything. Because he still doesn’t know where to go, and his spontaneous plan of getting out at the central station to ponder his options are immediately destroyed, because when he looks outside and sees the masses of people, the big platform not even visible anymore, he can’t move a muscle. He’s glued to his seat. And so he stays. And he doesn’t get off at the next station. Or the next. Or that one after. He stays on the train until the ride ends, and only a few people remain on the carriage. And then he boards the train going back the way he came, because it’s so warm in here, and because he doesn’t know what to do, and his next attempt at getting out at the central station fails again because of the very same reason, the train as well as the platform just being too full with strangers, talking, shouting, laughing, giggling, reeking of mulled wine, cigarettes and sweat, and Levi feels nauseous, and he’s trembling, and he’s hungry and thirsty, _and he doesn’t know what to do_; he just knows that he can’t go back all the way to the station he started from – because what if Mike has woken up and has gone out to search for him? He can’t let the man take him back.

Even though that’s actually all he wishes for right now. 

For Mike to come and get him and drive him to Erwin, and Levi doesn’t care what kind of scolding he would receive, he’d gladly take _any_ punishment – but then his thoughts return to the brutal reality, in which Mike dies, in which Nanaba dies, in which Hange dies, in which Moblit dies, in which Erwin dies, if he stays with them.

That’s why Levi has to go.

That’s why he gets off a few stations later, holding his breath, clutching his bag pack and fleeing the busy platform, fleeing the underground station, because he hates being under the earth, it reminds him too much of—

No.

Not now.

He can’t think of Isabel und Farlan right now.

Not now.

He needs something to drink, liquid to swallow his meds, and fuck, where is he gonna get new ones one his stash is all used up? He can’t go to Zackly! Because uncle Darius would definitely bring him back home, and Levi knows he would be too weak to protest, _but he has to_. And the busy main street he finds himself on only adds to his strain, and he begins to feel slightly dizzy, as he starts to… _panic_. 

There are loud and honking cars and busses passing by, more people heading for the Christmas market, barking dogs, music coming from the cafés and shops still opened in the evening, so many sounds, so many smells, so many voices, and Levi feels as if a knot was forming in his stomach, and there is dread, so much dread, because he really needs to look for a supermarket and buy a bottle of water or orange juice, and he needs to go to the bakery to get a sandwich or a small croissant, whatever, to eat, and where is he going to sleep, just where is he going to spend the night, _and what is he going to do tomorrow? _ Where does he have to go to apply for welfare benefits? Would he even get any? Would they even be able to help him? _How does he find out?_ Oh God, Levi is so freaking scared, and hungry, and thirsty, and he’s cold, and he wants Erwin to turn up and pick him up.

Only the man will never be able to drive again with only one arm left. And he won’t be showing up. Because Erwin won’t know where Levi is. And Levi knows that eventually, to make sure never to run into the blond again, he will have to leave the city, maybe even the country.

And it breaks Levi’s heart.

_…and he has no idea how to actually accomplish this! _

Because he’s stupid and useless and he knows shit, and he needs Erwin.

He needs Erwin, he needs Erwin, oh God, _he needs Erwin_! And Levi can’t stop his tears from falling, can’t stop the sobs escaping his throat, and he needs to get out of the city centre, his legs carrying him to a familiar bus stop, a station from his past, because familiar is good, he needs familiar, he needs good, and the bus is pretty empty, which is good, too, and it helps him to calm down a little, the tears still present, but not so big anymore, and that’s good, because an older lady keeps looking at him, but not with concern, but rather as if she was scared of him, and Levi can’t blame her, because he really does look like the psycho that he is, the retard, the mentally ill shithead that he is, he’d be scared of him too, if he were that lady, freaking weirdo that he is. Levi sniffles and the lady’s look changed from scared to appalled, and Levi’s appalled with himself, too, would love nothing more than for Erwin to pour him a warm bubble bath and…

No.

No!

He can’t be thinking about Erwin.

_But that’s all he does_.

He sees his man’s face everywhere he looks, whenever he closes his eyes, with every breath he takes. And it breaks Levi’s heart.

_But he doesn’t have a choice_.

And everything is terrible. Even though the familiar area he enters when he gets out of the bus does make him feel a little more at ease. But he hasn’t been to the supermarket by himself for years, and everything feels as if he was doing it for the first time, even though he’s been through this before, when he started living in the real world after the clinic again, with Manny’s help – but this time there is no Manny to prepare him a soft landing, no Erwin to handle everything.

Levi’s on his own – and it’s terrible.

Picking out a water bottle is terrible, buying a snack is terrible, having to deal with the cashier is terrible, his hands shaking as he pays, walking alone along the main road is terrible, hiding on what used to be his favourite bench in a little park is terrible. But at least here, he is alone, even though the memories are suffocating – because he’s brought Erwin to this bench once, during daytime, and Levi remembers how they sat here, holding hands, and how Erwin had whispered compliments in his ear, and—

No.

No!

But Erwin is all Levi can think of, as he cries, sitting on his bench, trembling, still having no idea what to do next. 

In his past life Levi was full of ideas, wasn’t scared of anything, thrived in the underground, and he wishes, he wishes so much, he could be his old self right now. The Levi from that life would know exactly what to do, wouldn’t be scared of just _taking_ things, handling stuff, getting shit done, but this Levi… this Levi _doesn’t_. And so all that he can do is cry. Sit on that bench and cry, until he can’t feel his toes anymore because it’s so fucking cold. And then… 

And then he remembers something, and on stiff legs makes his way to his former bank – because he isn’t a client anymore, because Erwin dissolved his account in order for them to only have one, a shared one, _his_ account, and Levi has no access to that money because Erwin has his card, like all the others; but he isn’t here because of Euros and Cents, he is here because he remembers how some people looking for shelter came here, because this branch is far away and not often frequented, and he remembers how he used to let homeless people inside to warm up using his card to open the door to enter the small foyer in which the ATM stood and still stands, and Levi’s lucky, he is so lucky, because he can see a person getting money out of the cash machine, and as they slip out, Levi jumps to the door and holds it open – and lets himself in, and is immediately welcomed by the warmth coming from the ancient radiators at the walls, and he is so thankful for this little room, sinking down onto the floor, back pressed to the warming appliances, and… and it’s so wonderful, despite the light being so bright, despite people being able to see him through the glass windows, because right now… right now Levi doesn’t care, because he’s warm, he’s finally warm again, sheltered from the winter coldness seeping into his bones and those horrific thoughts of what he is supposed to do are pushed to the back of his mind, because his eyes are so heavy and they close, and his whole body just… _shuts off_.

But sleeping like this isn’t relaxing. It doesn’t offer comfort and rest. It feeds the night terrors, makes Levi relive horrific scenes from the underground, relive Farlan’s and Isabel’s death, makes him relive Erwin’s death, and then suddenly, he dreams of Eren kicking him as he’s lying on the ground, his face contorted into a visage of grim anger, and Levi needs a few seconds before he realises, that this isn’t a dream, and Eren is not Eren, but a fat, middle-aged guy dressed in a dark uniform; a security guard.

“Oi, you dirty bastard!” he screams, kicking Levi in the stomach again. “I said get you drunk ass outside of here, we’re just about to open up, fucking hell!”

Levi wants to protest, that he isn’t drunk, because he doesn’t drink, but he can’t, his whole body aching from sleeping in an unnatural position, his muscles shaking, because he is so terrified by everything, and the spots where the man has kicked him hurt, and then, and then… and then… Oh no! “Where’s my bag?” Levi screams, jumping to his feet, frantically looking around. “Where is my bag?! WHERE IS MY BAG?!”

Because… it’s gone. _His bag pack is gone! _

The stranger’s frowning. “I have no idea what bag you’re talking about, now get the hell out of here or leave, or I’m calling the cops!”

And Levi’s having trouble breathing, he’s hyperventilating, his heart hammering wickedly in his chest, his whole body shaking with fear – because someone must have taken it off of him when he was sleeping. Someone’s stolen his bag, and now here he is: _with nothing_. No money, no medications, nothing to drink, eat – _and all the pictures of Erwin are gone. _

And it fucking breaks his heart…!

The tears are coming and he can’t stop them, and the strange man grabs his arm, and it hurts, and the man hurls him outside, making Levi stumble and almost fall down onto the pavement, and people stop and stare and frown and whisper, because it’s morning and the streets, even here, are busy with people getting to work, and Levi’s desperate, and all the little hairs on the back of his neck are standing up, and he feels sick, and he is so fucking thirsty, and he has nothing. _Nothing_. And he’s scared, Levi is so scared, he feels his legs going numb, and his beanie is gone too, and his head is so cold, and someone also took his gloves, and—

_And he has no idea what to do now_.

Should he maybe ask the guy to call the cops?

No.

No!

Because then they would just bring him home, wouldn’t they? And he can’t let that happen. 

He needs to figure this out on his own.

_…but how?! _

How is he supposed to do anything?

Levi feels as if something was twisting around his throat, cutting into it, twisting inside of his stomach, squeezing the shit out of his organs, he feels as if something was tugging at his heart, and all he can do is cry, and all the people around him just walk past him, get out of his way, they do nothing; because he is a shabby-looking grown-up man in his thirties crying like a freaking teenager.

Weirdo. Lunatic. Psycho. Retard.

That’s what he is. That’s what they think. And Levi can’t blame them. It’s true, and maybe he should just die and free the world of his existence; maybe this would solve it all. But he’s a coward, a freaking mentally ill and useless shitty coward, and besides _trying_ to take his life, he won’t accomplish shit and—

“…Levi?”

A voice suddenly mumbles his name, and Levi blinks, trying to make the tears disappear so that he can look at the person talking to him, scared shitless for a few seconds that it’s Moblit – but it isn’t.

“Levi?” the voice calls again and the man to whom it belongs to stops right in front of him now, and Levi finally realises who is talking to him.

It’s Jonathan. Jonathan Müller. The only other lunatic Levi actually kind of got along with in the closed psychiatric unit, and Jonathan looks so much better now than he used to all those years ago. He’s managed to put on a little weight, he is dressed nicely, nothing fancy, but neat, and his face isn’t as pale as it used to be, and… And Levi can’t believe Jonathan is truly standing in front of him.

“Levi! It’s you, isn’t it?”

And all Levi can do is nod, and when Jonathan offers a sad smile, some more tears trickle down his cheek.

“Are you… are you okay?” the man with reddish, curly hair asks softly, even though he already knows the answer to this question – and all Levi can do is shake his head.

“Did you… Levi, did you sleep _in there_ tonight?” Jonathan asks him in a calm but concerned voice, pointing to the bank and the still angry-looking security guard glaring at them.

And Levi nods again, his lips pressed tightly together into a thin line; because he knows that if he would try speaking right now, he’d burst right into more tears and then he wouldn’t be able to calm himself down, and he wouldn’t just embarrass _himself_, but also Jonathan, crying _hysterically_ out on the open street with busy people on their way to work, and he can’t do that to him.

“Oh shit, are… are you in trouble?”

Levi nods again; because his life is nothing _but_ trouble. _He_ is nothing but trouble.

“I… I take it you don’t have a place to stay?” the dark-haired young man continues to probe.

And Levi shakes his head, confirming Jonathan’s notion, making the man ultimately sigh.

“Well, you’re coming with me then,” he states, putting his arm gently onto Levi’s shoulder, whose eyes go wide and who tenses up – because he hadn’t expected that; and he wants to protest, because he doesn’t want to be a burden, doesn’t want to pull Jonathan into the mess he’s made, the man has suffered enough on his own, and he tries to fight it, but his body won’t listen, lets itself be dragged into the bus, lets Jonathan buy it a warm tea, feed it with a big bagel with butter and ham on their way, Levi lets himself be led into Jonathan’s apartment, only a few stops away from his old crib, that he left to move in with Erwin, and he really doesn’t want to be thinking of the man right now, because thinking of Erwin hurts and makes his eyes itch and burn, and Levi doesn’t want to cry again, he really doesn’t want to, but it’s too late, and the tears are streaming down his face, as he watches Jonathan turn his little sofa in his little living room with a miniature cooking area into a sleeping space, providing Levi with a cushion and a blanket, saying something about Levi having to warm himself up, giving him a towel, that looks old but clean, telling him to go ahead and use the bath tub.

“It needs a scrub, I’m sorry, I haven’t cleaned for a while and wasn’t expecting guests,” Jonathan mumbles and grins shyly, and Levi is so torn, because he feels so bad – and uncomfortable – being here, invading Jonathan’s space, that, compared to Erwin’s and his home is cramped and dirty and just so small and foreign, it’s making his skin itch, but on the other hand he is still so, so cold, and the heating is turned on here, and he can feel the warmth on his skin, and all he can think about is that bath Jonathan offered, and the help, and Levi needs help, can’t be on his own, can’t do anything alone; _Levi needs help_. “Will you be okay on your own? I really need to get to work, I’m already late, but I can’t skip, I really can’t.”

Levi merely nods, trying to smile, but he thinks he fails miserably. 

“You can eat anything you find in the fridge and kitchen, I’ll go shopping after work. Do you… do you have a phone? We can switch numbers and then you tell me what to get you?”

Levi shakes his head.

“Oh,” Jonathan huffs, then the man looks at his watch, and flinches visibly. “Shit, I need to go. Anyway: take a bath, get some rest and I will be home in the evening and then we can talk. Bye, Levi, it’ll all be fine!” he says, raises his hand as if trying to wave and then speeds off, the door slamming shut with a loud thud making Levi flinch; and he feels so bad, and so uncomfortable, and so scared, so alone, and _so cold_. 

But grateful, too.

Because he really needs help, and the universe sent Jonathan. Didn’t it?

Maybe it’s the first effect, of him leaving Erwin. Life telling him that this is how it’s supposed to be, leading him further away from the blond man, on a new path. One that will enable a beautiful life for his former commander. 

But Levi misses Erwin terribly, and the tears are still streaming down his cheeks, and his body is shivering as he walks towards the old, white, slightly splintering door leading to the bathroom, and his skin crawls. Because it’s so stuffed: deodorants, shower gels, shaving razors and foam, perfumes and other toiletries scattered all over the place; there’s basically no empty surface left, but then again this isn’t a problem – because Levi doesn’t have anything to put into the bathroom anyway. He just has the towel, which he puts around his neck first, searching for some cleaning supplies which he finds deposited under the small sink, cleaning the hooks attached to the swinging part of the door to hang it up, scrubbing the tub next that is also used as a shower, freeing it of stains and dark dust, wiping the bath salts and what not deposited on the edge and then, after a time that feels like an hour, he finally draws himself a much needed and much desired bath – and yes, he is clean afterwards, his body warm, _but he doesn’t feel good_.

Because he probably will never feel good again. But that’s all right. As long as Erwin’s safe, Levi will endure _anything_.

At least the time in the almost scorching hot water, coupled with his horrific night, makes him fall asleep – and the couch is definitely a much better place to fall unconscious than the floor of a bank. No matter how warm the accessible foyer was. And so Levi sleeps. The whole day. Going from nightmare to nightmare. But he sleeps. And he’s still asleep when Jonathan returns home from work.

“Oh gosh, I’m sorry for waking you up!” the man says, after switching on the light in the room and realising his guest had still been slumbering. 

“…i… i-it’s okay…” Levi mumbles sitting up, while Jonathan puts down the grocery bags in the kitchen.

“Did you eat something?” he enquires, and Levi’s shaking his head – and only then feels the hunger, and only then he realises his pounding head, and how sore his whole body feels, how nauseous he is and… Levi’s running to the bathroom, just in time sinking down before the toilet, emptying his stomach; and vomiting actually really hurts this time and he feels terrible.

“There’s an unused tooth brush somewhere under the sink, you can have it,” Jonathan tells him through the door, and Levi feels even more horrible, so absolutely fucking horrible because the man heard everything, his disgusting barfing sounds, the rumbling of his belly, the splashing of the toilet water. _Everything_. And Levi feels horrific. And he is so grateful for finding the unused, still newly packaged tooth brush just where Jonathan said it would be, and he is so grateful he can wash his face as well, freshen up, get rid of the stench and residue. So grateful that Jonathan let him stay here, recover. “Here, I have some fresh clothes for you,” Jonathan says, as Levi opens the bathroom door and hands him a pair of dark sweatpants and a pullover. The man is standing in the kitchen corner when Levi re-enters the room dressed in the new clothes, and only then Levi realizes Jonathan has brought pizza with him. “I got you a Margherita,” he says, “because I didn’t really know what you’d like. I hope that’s okay? And that you can actually eat something… now?”

“O-of c-course…” Levi says, feeling like a burden again. _And so grateful_.

They take a seat at the very small table Jonathan owns with just two folding chairs. “I’m sorry this is place is a mess,” the man explains, while eating, “I’m, uh, still very bad at cleaning…”

Then, as Levi has nothing verbal to offer, because he is so tense and nervous and intimidated and sad – and he still feels so tired, even after all those hours of sleep – Jonathan just starts giving him a monologue, and Levi listens, his own pizza turning cold. The man tells him of how he got out a few months after Levi, and how Manny also helped him to find this place, how he also works a so-called minijob, a specific kind of employment where you don’t earn more than 450 Euros a month, just what Levi did with his cleaning. 

“I work at a restaurant,” he explains, “I clean dishes, but also the restaurant itself, depending on the shift I am being used for. Maybe that’s also the reason I can’t keep my house clean, because I am so tired of cleaning when I come home from work,” he muses, grinning shyly, and Levi eventually tries to take a bite of the food offered. The pizza’s decent, but cannot be compared to the one Erwin makes at home with—

No.

Levi has to stop thinking about Erwin.

_But he can’t. _

Jonathan continues to tell him how hard it was to adjust to normal life, and that probably Levi knows this, too. Jonathan assumes that Levi went through the same thing, without really asking the raven-haired, for which Levi is, yet again, grateful. Because he isn’t ready to speak about his life. Not yet. Maybe never.

So he listens, as Jonathan continues to tell him how his family reacted when he came out, how afraid they were that he wouldn’t make it, despite being supportive, and how he thought the same, and how there are sometimes still days where he thinks that maybe he won’t, but here he is, going to therapy regularly, working on himself, working on his illness, the medication becoming less and less. “There was only one moment, fairly in the beginning, where I thought about hurting myself, but then I immediately called my sister and we talked really long, and she managed to make me go out to IKEA instead, with the task to focus on my first own flat, and I bought this sofa actually, and spending time doing something for myself, for my future, really did help me,” he says, “because that’s what I always wanted: to be able to live on my own, without my parents and siblings around me, just me, to be independent, you know?”

That’s a goal Levi should set for himself. He’s done this before: living on his own. Maybe it wasn’t living, rather _surviving_. But he’s done this before, he can do this again, right? 

The only problem is that… _he doesn’t want to_.

He doesn’t want to be independent. He doesn’t want to have his own flat. He doesn’t want to have no one around. He wants to be by Erwin’s side, because Erwin always knows what’s best for him, he’s the clever one, he doesn’t make bad choices, Erwin always knows what he is doing, and always knows how to help Levi, in any situation. He’s the only one who really made it _better_ – in this life, as well as in the other. Levi’s nothing without Erwin. Nothing. And he doesn’t even want to be something, someone. Levi wants to be _Erwin’s_. Erwin’s everything – that’s what Erwin always calls him, tells him his world revolves only around Levi, that he loves him, that he wants to be with him forever—

_But he won’t be_.

“Levi…” Jonathan suddenly murmurs with a soft and somewhat surprised voice, and it’s only then that the raven realises, he’s started crying almost soundlessly, the tears just pouring out of his eyes. “Can you… Do you want to tell me what happened?” Jonathan asks and Levi shakes his head, sniffling, because how can he possibly explain. And: He doesn’t want to talk. “Okay…” Jonathan murmurs. “Y-you can stay here for the time being, I… I really don’t know what I would have done without my family’s support in my dark times, even though I am really glad I don’t live with them anymore, but – whenever I have a problem, I can call one of my brothers or sisters and they’ll be here half an hour later, helping me out. So, um, I know… I know what it feels like when you’re in a bad place. You need help – and, um, th-that’s what I wanna offer you. I, um… I know where you’re coming from, man.”

“…th-thank you…” Levi whispers, and when he looks into Jonathan’s eyes, the man is smiling, and Levi is so grateful, even though he feels terribly misplaced, and horrible for invading Jonathan’s personal space like this. He’s being a burden. Again. And he should be ashamed. But he is too tired to be ashamed, falls asleep again the minute he lies down on the couch made into bed, despite Jonathan still walking around a bit. 

When he wakes up the next morning, Jonathan is gone, but has left Levi a pile of fresh clothes to wear and a note telling him he will be home in the evening because it’s his little sister’s birthday and he wants to swing by for a couple of hours, and that Levi can do anything he wants, watch TV, use Jonathan’s laptop for games, eat anything he finds – but Levi doesn’t know what he wants.

…despite running back into Erwin’s embrace, to their home, to the life he’s left behind. But if he does that… everything will shatter, and there will be no life to return to ever again. Because Erwin will be dead. _Again_.

And he can’t let that happen. Levi has no choice. And that’s why he stays here, cleans – also, because that’s the only thing he can truly focus on, the one activity that actually helps him to calm down a little; and the only thing he is good at. So he cleans Jonathan’s whole flat, starting with the bathroom, scrubbing every tile, putting all the sanitary articles in an order. Then, he cleans the main room and the kitchen area, all cabinets from the inside and the outside, cleans Jonathan’s bedroom, without looking into his dresser and wardrobe and nightstand, because he isn’t nosy, and he knows there are probably things in there that are private. And when he’s done, the flat looks amazing, and actually cosy, and this also helps Levi to calm down.

There’s just one problem.

He feels like shit. Even after taking another bath, Levi feels… somewhat dirty. And he is tired. All the fucking time, and something else is happening. As he sits on the couch and tries watching TV, he begins to feel dizzy, and suddenly, he isn’t cold like he usually feels, but hot; Levi’s beginning to sweat, and breathing is becoming a hassle. He feels as if there was a big lump in his throat forming, and his heart’s suddenly racing, as if he was the one racing, running at high speed for a long time, and his arms and legs begin to feel numb, and… and there is this horrific pain in his chest, and all he can think of is Erwin.

Erwin. Erwin. Erwin. Erwin. Erwin. Erwin. Erwin.

_Erwin dressed in the Survey Corps uniform. Erwin dressed in a black suit. Erwin riding on his white horse with his blades drawn. Erwin driving his white Mercedes Benz SUV. Erwin sitting at his desk at the headquarters, planning the next expedition. Erwin hunched over in his study, grading papers and planning his next lecture. Erwin fucking Levi against a wall in an abandoned village. Erwin taking his boy against their bedroom door_.

And it breaks his heart. It hurts. It makes his throat feel raw and as if somebody was scratching it from the inside, and suddenly, Levi feels as if the walls and ceiling of this still unfamiliar room were coming closer, as if it was some sadistic trap he’s fallen into, minutes away from being crushed to death by the shrinking living space, and the ticking of the clock is so loud, it’s not only irritating, but also hurting the inside of his ears, and Levi covers them with his hands, keeps his eyes shut tightly, but he still feels as if the walls were coming closer, even though he cannot see them, he still feels dizzy, as if he had boarded a carrousel, and, God, he needs Erwin so much right now, he misses his man like he has never missed him before, desires nothing more than to be pressed against his body right now, breathing in that calming smell emanating from Erwin’s body, and everything hurts, and he’ll never see Erwin again, _he will never see Erwin again_, HE WILL NEVER SEE ERWIN AGAIN…!

…and it breaks his fucking heart so much, that all he can do is sob, wishing he was just dead, not able to feel anything…

But he’s not.

_And so it hurts_.

It hurts so fucking much…!

_And what is he supposed to do now? _

“Levi,” a voice whispers, a voice he knows but can’t place immediately. “Levi, breathe…” a hand touches his shoulder gently.

Erwin…?

Oh God, is he here?!

Levi opens his eyes, and tears stream down his cheeks. More follow, as he realises that this isn’t Erwin, but Jonathan, who is looking at him softly, squatting now next to the sofa. “Breathe, Levi,” he repeats his calm words, “remember, you are safe here, it’s just the two of us and no one is going to hurt you. So: just breathe… It’s gonna be okay…”

Jonathan keeps mumbling the gentle reassurances, gets Levi to breathe, and it feels like forever, but finally, Levi starts to calm down, the ringing in his ears decreasing, the walls of the room becoming immobile again, the pounding of his head lessening, and the feeling in his arms and legs comes back. Eventually, he is able to sit up again.

“…th-thank y-you…” he breathes out and Jonathan merely smiles.

“Trust me,” he says in a gentle manner, “I-I know… what anxiety attacks feel like… so: don’t worry about it. And for the future: I’m here for you.”

“Why?” the weak question leaves Levi’s mouth before he can actually ponder it.

Jonathan shrugs. “Because we’re in the same boat, I guess,” he then answers, looking Levi into the eyes, “people like you and I… we, uh, need to help each other. _And_ you were like the only person I could stand during all my time in the ward,” he adds, slightly grinning, and Levi is astonished that he actually manages to smile faintly at that.

“Th-thank you… f-for… letting me stay…”

“No problem. And, hey: Thank _you_ so much for cleaning, I thought I was in the wrong flat for a second!”

“…a-are… are you m-mad I cleaned?” Levi breathes out.

Jonathan blinks. “What? Of course not! I actually feel a little bit bad for not doing it myself, so I am sorry you felt obligated, I swear, I will try my best from now on to keep this place clean.”

“…I… I like cleaning…” Levi babbles. “Helps me… relax… I can… I can clean…”

Jonathan smiles. “Thank you again,” he says. “Shall I reheat the rest of the pizza?”

Levi nods, once again feeling tired, although he was lying on that couch for the past three hours, he realises looking at the clock, that isn’t ticking so loudly anymore, and he’s horrified. Because how can three hours feel like three minutes? _Just what is wrong with him_?

And then he remembers something, as he is looking at the clock.

His meds.

The meds he should take and doesn’t have, because some asshole stole his bag pack.

Oh God.

“You okay?” Jonathan enquires – and Levi shakes his head. “Wanna… tell my why?”

And Levi does. Because he is grateful for everything Jonathan is doing, and thus, Levi ponders, the man deserves _some_ answers. Because he trusts Levi enough to let him in his home alone for the whole day, without even thinking of the possibility of the raven robbing him – and that’s why Levi can trust him a little bit, too. 

Although the _only_ person he really and fully trusts will forever be Erwin…

He tells Jonathan about the night, how his things were stolen – and thus, his meds. “Fuck!” the man curses, clearly shaken, “I’m so sorry about that, do… do you know what meds you’re taking? Maybe… um, maybe you could take some of mine, I mean, if they are the same or nearly the same, I could give you some for today and then tomorrow – it’s my day off anyway – we could go to your doc and you could get a new prescription?”

Levi’s heart starts pounding again when he thinks about Zackly. “We… I… I can’t go back to see him,” he says, and Jonathan blinks, concern written all over his face.

“Why not? Did he… did something happen with him?”

“No,” Levi immediately clarifies. “No, but… I just… I can’t see him. I can’t see anyone from… my old life. I… I ran away…”

Jonathan lets this sink in. Then, in a serious but still calm voice, he asks: “…but you… you haven’t broken out of a… facility or something like that?”

“…no!” Levi breathes. “No!” he adds with a little bit more power in his tone, shaking his head, sighing.

“I’m sorry,” Jonathan says, “I…”

“No, i-it’s okay,” Levi says weakly, staring at the pizza in front of him, Jonathan’s gotten out of the oven during their talk, “you, um, you are letting me into your home, you’d have a right not know. But: no. I… I ran away from… my boyfriend.”

“…oh… Levi… did he… _Did that guy hurt you?_”

“No!” Levi almost immediately yells, shaking his head more vehemently, trying to fight the tears brimming his eyes, because he is thinking of Erwin yet again, and what a gentle man Erwin is, how well he treats him, how the blond always takes care of him and— “No, he didn’t… It… It’s the other way around, but… D-don’t be mad, but… _I can’t talk about it,_” Levi adds, his voice not more than a whisper. 

_Because the things between Erwin and him are to stay between Erwin and him_.

And how could Jonathan possibly understand the reasons forcing Levi to leave Erwin?

Jonathan’s nodding slowly. “I’m sorry… for whatever happened. You must have your reasons for doing something so… drastic… So, um, all your stuff… is still where that guy is, I assume?”

“I… I can’t go back to get it,” Levi states, feeling his guts stir in an uncomfortable way.

“Do you want _me_ to go and get it?”

“No!” Levi almost screams and Jonathan flinches. “S-sorry…” he mumbles, “but… it’s not… _We can’t go there_. It’s just…”

“I understand,” Jonathan says, even though he definitely doesn’t, how could he? “But… when you ran away from your boyfriend… why can’t you see your therapist?” he asks, frowning a little – and Levi doesn’t blame him.

“…he’s my boyfriend’s uncle…”

And that leaves Jonathan dumbfounded for a few seconds. “Oh… that’s… odd…” is all he says, and Levi doesn’t understand what he means, but he really doesn’t feel like talking about uncle Darius and Erwin and his old life, because it’s making him feel so, so bad and… “So what meds are you taking?” Jonathan asks, already getting up to probably fetch his own medication – but it won’t help.

Because Levi has no idea.

Because Erwin manages his meds.

He is the one who Zackly gives the prescriptions to. He is the one who hands the pills over to Levi. The raven hasn’t even seen the packaging. Why should he? Erwin handles everything – _but now Erwin isn’t part of his life anymore_.

And it breaks Levi’s heart. And it makes him feel scared. And it makes him feel so alone, despite Jonathan being here. But he doesn’t know Jonathan that well, and this place here, Jonathan’s home, is not his home, never will be, it’s temporary, and foreign, and he’s an intruder and—

“Levi?” the man asks him gently and Levi sobs.

“I… I don’t know… I don’t know the name of the pills, I…”

“It’s okay,” Jonathan says calmly, taking a seat again. “We’ll… We’ll figure this out. Um… I got it! First thing in the morning I will call my doc. He’s really a great guy, and I am sure you’ll like him, too, and I am even more sure he will be able to fit you in, it is an emergency situation after all. How about that?”

Levi’s scared. He hates meeting new people, new doctors even more. He was so happy with how things were with Zackly. How easy, how smooth, and how relaxed he was around uncle Darius, how safe he felt – because he knew Zackly was related to Erwin by blood, cared for his nephew, cared for him, and the blond man would always just be a few steps away. Levi was never _alone_ in this.

And now he will be. And it’s scaring him shitless.

“…Levi?”

“Yes,” the raven immediately answers. Because: _Does he have a choice?_ No. He needs his meds. He can’t go back to Zackly. And thus, this is the only possibility.

“You can always choose a different doc later, if you don’t like him,” Jonathan adds calmly, “but I am sure it’s not a good thing for you to be just suddenly completely off your meds… My doc is taking me off of them in a, um, very slow and supervised process, so…”

And Jonathan is probably right. And so Levi agrees. But he’s so agitated, that he can’t sleep the whole night, sees Erwin’s face everywhere, jolts in the middle of the night because he is sure he just heard somebody using the manoeuvring gear, but it’s just a car, or maybe something coming from the pipes, and when Levi looks outside he nearly screams, because he’s sure he’s just seen the beast titan, but when he looks again, there is nothing, and when he turns back around to walk to the sofa, his heart freezes, because for a second the room transforms into Erwin’s office of the Survey Corp’s headquarters, and Levi sinks to his knees, nearly suffocating because he has to cry so hard and tries to be as quiet as possible, because he doesn’t want to wake up Jonathan. And he is so freaking dizzy, and there are voices in his head, voices of his old comrades, of all the fallen soldiers, whispering menacing, dark words to him, and he vomits again, and he just can’t find sleep…

And so Levi’s head is throbbing, when they go out in the morning, and Levi’s once again wearing clothes from Jonathan that are too big for him and make him look ridiculous, but he doesn’t have a choice right now, and actually, his appearance is the last fucking thing on his mind, because he is just about to visit a shrink he has never before seen in his life, and he should be grateful that Jonathan was right and the man immediately agreed to see Levi, but he is so stressed that he cannot focus on this, his legs trembling when Jonathan explains to the lady at the front desk that Levi doesn’t have his health insurance card with him, because Levi is too sacred to say anything, too tense to actually move, especially when the lady tells them that usually a treatment is not possible without that card and the info about the insurance, and then Jonathan starts to explain Levi’s situation of having been robbed and such, making a fuss about this being an emergency situation – and he is so grateful that the woman understands and says that they will find out everything, looking at him pitifully, because Levi can’t even tell her, or rather Jonathan, the name of the health insurance giver; _because Erwin manages all of that_.

So when Levi enters the doctor’s room, he is totally shaken, and it doesn’t help that the guy totally reminds him of Zackly. They are around the same age, the same height, Mr. Kliemer even has the same sort of body type – _and there’s a fucking bean bag chair in the corner of the room_. And when Levi sees that, he feels like crying, because just too many recent memories of the life that isn’t his anymore shoot through his mind, and his skin is tingling in an unpleasant way, and he’s so freaking tired, and he looks exhausted and—

“Mr. Ackerman, your friend told me about your situation,” Mr. Kliemer starts, “being completely off your meds unplanned like that, going cold turkey, is really not advisable and can lead to many harsh withdrawal symptoms, so I think this is the most important issue at hand.”

Levi nods, fidgeting on the small sofa he was supposed to sit down on.

“Can you tell me what medication you are taking, so that I can give you a prescription?”

And this is where Levi begins to sweat. “I… I… I... _I don’t know_…” he mumbles. “I really don’t know, I-I’m sorry, I…”

Mr. Kliemer is furrowing his brows in slight confusion, but then he smiles again. “Okay, don’t worry, we can figure this out. Can you tell me the name of the doctor you usually go to? Or rather used to go to?”

_And Levi freezes_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and stay right here, because this is a double upload and chapter 10 is coming right up!
> 
> The chapter length got so out of control that I decided to split it up into two chapters.
> 
> And THANK YOU once again for all your feedback, I will try to answer each and everyone of you tonight and tomorrow!!!! Your words on this really mean a LOT!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT NOTICE: This is a double update. This chapter has been posted just a few minutes after chapter 9. So if you haven't read chapter 9 yet, please go back :-)
> 
> AND THANK YOU FOR READING AND COMMENTING!

Levi freezes, fingers digging audibly into the cushion of the sofa, and the doc is looking at him, and Levi can’t say anything. It’s like he has forgotten how to speak. “Mr. Ackerman…?” Mr. Kliemer asks calmly, and when Levi doesn’t respond, the man continues: “You don’t need to tell me what _happened_ between your former doctor and you, if you don’t want to, but—“

“You can’t tell him where I am currently staying,” it breaks out of Levi’s mouth as he thinks of the moment the lady at the front desk wrote down Jonathan’s address as Levi’s address for their records, and he sounds desperate. 

“I won’t, Mr. Ackerman,” says Mr. Kliemer. “All the personal data you share with us is protected. It won’t leave this practise, unless you give us the authorization to share it – and we would only do that for medical reasons anyway. All I want to ask your former doc is what medication you are on and what health insurance you have – if you will allow it. It’s the easiest way to solve the current issues, though, and the safest. Because starting with a completely new medication, without me knowing you and your treatment history, can be tricky, and actually worsen your situation. And we also need to know the source of your health insurance. If I know that, I can look into your past treatment, and this will help the both of us.”

Levi is still frozen, his heart still beating furiously in his chest. If Mr. Kliemer calls Zackly, uncle Darius will know he’s here. So he cannot come back to this practise. But, Levi thinks, using all of his brain’s capacity, it’s just like Jonathan said: they are only here to get the prescription, and when he gets it today, he will have enough time to find a new doc, before he finishes the meds and will need new ones, won’t he? And Jonathan said that Levi can choose somebody different afterwards. So it won’t matter if Zackly knows he’s been here – because he won’t be coming back. 

_And he really, really needs the meds_.

He is exhausted, and he’s had another big anxiety attack this morning, and his head is pounding, and breathing is so difficult, and—

“Mr. Ackerman?” doctor Kliemer says, and Levi swallows dryly.

“O-okay,” he says, his voice trembling. “Y-you can call him, but—“

“Don’t worry, this will all be about the meds and the insurance.”

“O-okay…” Levi says, “his name… His name is Darius Zackly.”

“All right, I heard the name before. I will make sure to reach him today, and I will call Jonathan as soon as I have to info so you can come back to pick up the prescriptions. All right?”

“O-okay…”

“Those things aside, do you have anything else you need to get off your chest?”

“Um… Not. Not today. I am fine, I just need to get my meds,” Levi lies, and he’s astonished he can do this so easily. “I… I had a fight with my boyfriend and I just need… some time to figure things… o-out… so that’s why I left our home, b-but… I couldn’t take everything with me, c-cause I was… in a hurry, so... um…” he continues to lie as to give the doctor something a little believable.

“…and you’re afraid that man might wait on you in Mr. Zackly’s office?” Kliemer probes.

“Yes. They know each other, that’s why…” Levi doesn’t know how to finish this sentence that is not revealing the whole truth.

Mr. Kliemer opens a drawer and gets out some flyers and cards, and Levi almost feels sick when he sees what they are. “If you don’t want to talk to me about the things that happened, maybe you will want to call one of those numbers,” he says – and they are all institutions and telephone lines for victims of domestic violence. “And you can always call the police. They will help you, too, Mr. Ackerman. Also, if something _did_ happen between you and Mr. Zackly. And if it did, I would advise you to take action so that Mr. Zackly’s other patients will be safe.”

Levi doesn’t say anything, takes the flyers wordlessly, and there is a moment of silence.

“Okay, Mr. Ackerman”, the doc continues. “Tell you what: I will make sure to get you your meds as soon as possible today and please do make an appointment with me for next week, when I will have access to all your medical data, and then we can talk about everything else and see how we proceed, okay?”

“Okay, I will do that,” Levi lies again – _because now he can lie again freely and he is pretty good at that, as it seems_.

He rips up the flyers as soon as he leaves the office.

Jonathan takes him back to his flat after the appointment and Levi’s actually glad that his new friend doesn’t live close to the practise. The man even offers to pick up the prescription on his own, when Levi tells him that the doc has to call Zackly, and even opens up about being scared of uncle Darius coming to the practice to look for him. _And Levi is so grateful_.

Jonathan makes a small lunch, and Levi does the dishes. They watch a movie and Levi falls asleep after the first ten minutes. When he wakes up, he’s alone in the flat, and another note is waiting for him: Jonathan is off to Mr. Kliemer to get the prescriptions and he will come home with the meds. And just as Levi has read the note, the door opens, and in walks Jonathan with a small plastic bag.

He smiles. “You’re up, that’s good. I got your meds, and I made you an appointment for next week Wednesday. I hope that’s okay? Mr. Kliemer insisted because you obviously forgot after the two of you talked. But… we can find you someone else and then just cancel. You know… because of that Zackly guy and all the rest…”

“…yeah… th-tanks…” Levi says, trying to smile, and Jonathan hands him the meds.

Levi opens them, and the names tell him nothing. On each package there is a handwritten instruction of when to take how many pills, and when Levi gets them out, he is a little bit confused. Because there is just one sort of pill he recognizes, the size and colour match. The rest… is different… But… But maybe… 

“What’s wrong?” Jonathan asks, as he catches Levi staring at the pills in his hand. “Something wrong?”

“I… They… Th-they look different… Except for one,” Levi says, and Jonathan frowns, reaches into the bag and takes out the prescription, looking at the piece of paper and each of the packages.

“But it’s all correct,” Jonathan says, “look.”

And Levi takes a look, and it’s true. All the pills in the bag are exactly what Kliemer’s prescribed him.

“…maybe the doc, now that he obviously has your medical info, decided to give you something else, because he thought it’s better? Or maybe it’s the same ingredients of the pills, but a different manufacturer?” Jonathan searches for an explanation.

Levi ponders this. And especially the last option sounds plausible, doesn’t it? Or maybe he is wrong all along? His head does feel kinda dizzy and he’s still exhausted, and there is so much pain that he feels, not able to push the thoughts of Erwin somewhere to the back. After all: Levi knows shit.

“You want me to call the doc and ask?” Jonathan suggest, but Levi shakes his head, and swallows the pills. And he doesn’t think about it anymore.

They talk a little. Jonathan says that now that Levi has the pills and he will hopefully feel better, they can go to social services, he could even ask for Manny again – and Levi is just so grateful. “I have work tomorrow, but the day after I am free again, so I can go with you, if you want?”

“Yeah… Th-that would be great,” Levi answers, and even manages a little smile.

_Because he is so grateful_.

Then, Levi sleeps again, as if he hadn’t slept the whole month, and somewhere around in the afternoon, he suddenly wakes up, because the door opens and Jonathan isn’t supposed to be here until evening time. But here he is. “Hey,” he greets Levi, doesn’t even get out of his coat, setting a small envelope onto the coffee table next to the sofa, and when Levi is in the middle of sitting up and opening the it, Jonathan explains, “Mr. Kliemer’s office called me this morning, it seems that Zackly guy passed this on: it’s some of your cards, um, obviously your… ex-boyfriend gave them to Zackly, and he had it sent over so you could pick it up. I ran over right away during my break, but I need to go back now, let’s talk tonight!”

And with this, Jonathan is gone, and Levi’s hands are trembling, as he is looking at his ID and his health insurance card – and nothing else.

And all Levi can do is cry. Because he was right all along: Someday Erwin would get sick of him and his state of mind, would get sick of taking care of him. And that’s exactly what this handing over of the cards without any comment is saying, isn’t it? And he should be happy about it, because it means Erwin is over with him, doesn’t look for him, doesn’t want him to come home, is over with _them_, and the man can start a new chapter. One without Levi, one filled with happiness, and not death and suffering. And that’s exactly what Levi wanted.

_But then why does it hurt so much_?

He cries for about an hour before he finally manages to get up again.

_Erwin doesn’t love him anymore._

And even though this should make him feel satisfied, contented, it doesn’t. Oh God, it doesn’t. It breaks his fucking heart. All over again. And Levi’s confused. He’s angry and desperate, sad and terrified, disappointed and afraid. He feels like shit. Because he is shit.

_And he misses Erwin so much_.

And it’s driving him insane.

He starts cleaning, even though the flat is in a decent state, but he has to do something. So he cleans. And when he is done and hour later, he is still not calm, and he decides to also clean the windows. Scrubbing, polishing, his hands already hurting, his skin wrinkled from all the water he uses, but he can’t stop. Because if he stops, his mind will start running crazy again, and he can’t have that. And when he opens the big one towards the main street to clean it from the outside – _his fucking broken heart almost stops beating_. 

Because… there it is.

_Zackly’s car. _

The old, well-kept red BMW station wagon, that the man never uses inside of the city, but it’s definitely here, not a vision, it doesn’t disappear when Levi blinks, is parked along the street, with the prominent silver roof rack painted white in the middle, and the tinted windows in the back.

And Levi’s heart starts instantly racing: Because when he sees Zackly getting out of it, a phone pressed to his ear, _he panics_. And there are conflicting emotions welling inside of his chest. Because, if Zackly is here, it means that Erwin still _does_ care about him, right? Because Erwin’s sent him here, right? Or maybe Zackly just wants to check on him and this has nothing to do with Erwin? _How did he even get here? _

The envelope.

Zackly must have followed Jonathan when the man went to pick it up. There is no other explanation. Or Mr. Kliemer lied and gave uncle Darius the data? _What is Zackly doing here?_ And what…

Levi’s breath hitches in his throat, and he feels as if the earth underneath him was crumbling. Because there’s _another_ person getting out of the car, out of the passenger’s seat.

And it’s… _It’s Erwin_.

A dark, long winter coat, resembling his old uniform, is draped around his shoulders, covering his form, and even though Levi wants to look, wants to wave to him, wants to run down the stairs and put his arms around his man – _who obviously still cares about him_ – all the pictures raging inside of his mind remind him why he _can’t_ do that. _And Levi’s freaking out instead_.

Because he sees it all.

_Erwin’s stump._  
Erwin’s suffering.  
The rooftop.  
Erwin’s death. 

And Levi acts instantly, grabbing his boots and coat, the beanie Jonathan’s provided him with, gloves, his cards, the meds.

_And he runs. _

Tears stinging in his eyes, a lump in his throat, his whole legs shaking and almost giving out. But he doesn’t have a choice.

So Levi runs.

Down into the cellar, where each tenant has their storage place, where the washing machines and laundry rooms are, Jonathan’s showed it all to him, and so Levi knows that there is a back door that you can open from the inside without using a key – and he runs out of the building, out into the open, following a narrow path along some garages some tenants use for their cars, almost crashing into a stranger walking along the path, cursing at him, but Levi doesn’t care, runs further and further away from the main street.

Away from Zackly.  
_Away from Erwin. _

And he cries.

He cries so hard.

And he is so lost.

Runs until he almost collapses on a bench at a bus stop barely frequented.

And then he cries some more. Until he is dizzy and almost physically sick.

And it breaks his heart.

Because he is so happy Erwin came for him – and he is so unhappy that he can’t go with him.

“I’m so sorry…” he mumbles out into the open, covering his face with both of his hands; and once again, he has no idea what to do, where to go. He’s back to zero. Back to square one. 

But at least he has a little bit of money. Because Jonathan gave him a small sum, for an emergency case, for him to get some food, if they run out, anything of that sort. And this is an emergency. Because Levi is desperate. And all he wants to do, is to forget it all. Forget his hopeless situation, forget his past life, forget about Erwin, forget about his worries. Levi just… he just wants to feel nothing. He wants to see nothing. Think about nothing.

_Because all of this is too much for him to bear. _

And it’s as if a foreign force was taking control of him, and his legs carry him like always used to carry him to the discounter not far from here, familiar territory, and he has enough to buy himself a huge bottle of his past favourite, cheap-ass brand of whisky, and his hands are shaking when he opens it, hidden in the park, on his favourite remote bench, the one he sat on with Erwin once, and the drink is burning in his mouth, his oesophagus, his belly – and it’s making him feel instantly dizzy.

God.

When was the last time he had a drink?

_Before he met Erwin. _

And the man is right: alcohol is bad. Poisonous. Disgusting – but at the same time so fucking good… And so Levi drinks, and the whisky is keeping him warm. In the beginning at least, making him feel dizzy, light-headed, woozy.

But not better.

Because the more he drinks, the more of his memories are released inside of his head, and he can see so many things. He sees his mother, and Kuchel’s smiling. He drinks and sees Kenny drinking, swearing at him. Levi drinks and he sees Farlan in their old kitchen, laughing at some stupid joke Isabel’s just made. Levi downs the whisky and he sees Erwin and Mike playing chess in the commander’s office. He sees Hange freak out over something they found out about a titan. Levi gets drunk and he sees Erwin’s deep blue eyes staring at him. 

The more intoxicated he is, the clearer Erwin’s voice becomes, talking about expeditions – talking about fucking him, talking about loving him. And he knows he’s had enough, but he continues to drink, even though the world is spinning around him, and he falls in and out of consciousness, and he feels somewhat cold and sick; Levi drinks.

Because there is nothing else to do. Because Levi doesn’t care. Because he is too stupid to run away from Erwin, can’t accomplish things on his own. He knows shit and he is shit, and the only way for him to save Erwin is… to die.

And he knows that too much alcohol can lead to a poisonous death. That’s why Levi drinks. He blacks out and when he’s back, he drinks some more. Until the whole fucking big bottle is gone – and he thinks of Erwin, and how his life will go differently, once _he_ is gone. 

Erwin won’t die. 

And this time, Levi is sure, he will take the time to recover properly from losing an arm, because there is no battle to be fought, no political shit to be solved, and then he’s gonna meet someone nice, maybe someone like Marie, who will give him kids and finally the life he had given up for wanting to save humanity?

God, he wishes he could see his man one last time, as his body begins to feel weaker, and weaker and breathing becomes hard, and everything around him turns dark and cold – and then he has the most wonderful dream ever.

He dreams of heaven – and maybe… maybe he _is_ in heaven?

Levi’s looking at a clear blue ocean, and all his comrades are there bathing in the sea, their skin warmed by the sun. There’s Isabel and Farlan, splashing each other with the water, laughing like crazy. There’s Gunther and Eld cackling because of something stupid Oluo says, and Petra is swimming, waving at her comrades, all dressed in colourful civilian clothes. And there’s… 

Levi sobs. 

Because he sees Kuchel and Kenny sitting together on a blanket, drinking wine, and talking, smiling at each other.

And he wants to move. He wants to run over to them. He wants to hug his mother, his real mother.

_But Levi can’t move. _

Because suddenly, there’s this powerful presence behind him. He can sense it with every fibre of his body, that acts on its own volition, slowly turning around – and there he is: _Erwin Smith._ And the cold blue eyes of the commander of the Survey Corps are piercing him, making him shudder. 

Erwin’s wearing his uniform. His gear. And he’s not saying anything. He’s simply staring at Levi. 

“Erwin…” Levi whispers his lover’s name, so many emotions welling in his chest, and he is so happy to see him, because that’s all he wanted, to see Erwin one last time, and he wants to hug the man, wants to tell him so many things: That he’s sorry, that he loves him, that it’s all his fault, that he needs his forgiveness – but he can’t. Because his mouth won’t move anymore. And then _Erwin’s_ suddenly moving – still not saying a word, the blond man is pulling his blade, swinging it through the air, _and he attacks Levi_.

…and it… _hurts_.

It hurts so fucking much as the sharp steels cuts his flesh and Levi’s falling down to the ground, finally able to move his lips again, a loud and desperate scream leaving his mouth as his body hits the sand of the beach.

And then…

And then everybody, including Erwin, is _gone_, and everything is full of blood – and he is in pain, _in so much utter pain_, and he freezes up, desperation and fear taking over all of his being, because there’s a horde of titans approaching, and Levi can’t run away, because his legs are useless, and he doesn’t have his weapons, he’s defenceless, and Erwin’s gone – and as the titans come closer, some of them smiling in that eerie dumb way, Levi realises that this _isn’t_ heaven.

This is hell.

He’s in hell.

And he knows he deserves it, tears streaming down his cheeks, and he closes his eyes, and thinks of Erwin, awaiting his torment, the big, obtuse teeth grinding him to death, massive hands ripping his body apart; and he knows he deserves it. But thinking of Erwin, and how his man’s life is going to be fulfilling this time, is making Levi smile.

“I love you…” he whispers, as the first titan grabs him.

And Levi’s smiling.

Because he knows that he’s saved Erwin. Erwin will live. He’s dead but Erwin will live.

_And it’s fucking beautiful. _

But then suddenly – everything disappears, and he’s falling. _Again. _

Levi’s falling.

Down a long and cold tunnel, and he can’t open his eyes, and he can’t move his body, can’t grab on to anything.

But he knows his _falling_ – and this time, he hits the ground. And when he does, _it hurts_.

All of his body _hurts_. As if the titans were truly ripping him apart.

But when he opens his eyes, there are no titans around; and Levi’s fucking confused. Because he’s lying on his back and he’s looking at a…

Levi’s looking at a big, fluffy, crème-coloured teddy bear with dark brown glass eyes. Its overall height must be almost one metre, the body chubby, his massive paws round and pudgy. It’s the _perfect_ teddy bear. One that any kid would go crazy for. Cute and cuddly, smiling and bright. And then, as his eyes fully adjust and take in this sight, Levi registers a human hand, holding the sitting teddy bear on top of Levi’s belly. And it’s a hand Levi knows, a hand that feeds him, caresses him, grabs him, holds him, penetrates him, and Levi gasps, his gaze rising to look at the person holding the bear – _and it’s Erwin_.

It’s Erwin.

And he’s smiling at him

“This is George,” Erwin says, slightly moving the paw of the teddy bear with his finger, making it appear as if _George_ was waving lightly at Levi, “he’s been waiting for you. Just like I have been, Levi.”

And Levi sobs, and he’s so confused and happy and scared and relieved, all at once and…

_Is this another vision?_  
Another version of hell?  
Will Erwin suddenly stop smiling at attack him again?  
Say mean things?  
Die in front of his eyes? 

Everything hurts, and Levi sobs again, and when he tries to move his hands, he can’t.

_Just like at the beach. _

But something’s different. 

Because this time it’s not an invisible force hindering him – there are straps around his wrists. Levi can feel them. See them. He’s immobilised, restrained, both of his hands tied to the bed. He winces, groans, tugging at the fixation, and the world is coming more and more into focus, and Levi realizes that he’s not at Jonathan’s and not at their home – he’s… somewhere else.

“Shhhh…” Erwin purrs, and this deep, soothing voice, gets directly under Levi’s skin, calms him, makes him stop moving, George still propped up on his belly by Erwin’s hand and…

_Erwin’s hand. _

Levi gasps. He blinks. And… and… _and this must be another dream! _

Because Erwin is using his… right arm.

It’s right there, and when Levi stares at him, he can see that Erwin’s left arm is… also there, but in a cast.

…

_What? _

“…wh… what…?” he mumbles, and stares at both of Erwin’s arms. “…how…?”

“Everything is fine, darling,” Erwin’s soothing voice tells him. “You’re going to be fine, Levi. Thank god, Darius found you.”

Levi’s confused, and more tears are running down his cheeks. He’s still not sure whether this is real, or if a titan will crash through the wall in just a second. It _feels_ real… but is it real? And if it is: just what the hell is going on? Where is he? Where are they? Why is Erwin’s arm intact? What happened to him? Why is he restrained? Why is he in so much pain?

He whimpers, and Erwin’s facial expression changes. The man’s concerned. He feels sorry for Levi, Levi can tell.

_Is this real? _

Suddenly, the door opens, and in walks a man wearing all white. A medical uniform. “Ah, I see you’re back with us, Mr. Ackerman,” the man says, who is followed by… a nurse.

He’s in hospital.

He must be in the hospital.

And if he’s in the hospital, and this is real, then _Erwin_ is real, too…!

“Erwin!” Levi whines his man’s name, and Erwin smiles.

“I’m right here, baby,” he mumbles, still holding onto George.

“I’m doctor Schneider,” the man in white explains, “how are you feeling? Do you remember anything?”

Levi starts crying, not able to look at the doctor, only able to look at Erwin, who moves the teddy bear to lie on Levi’s side – and then Erwin touches him, his right hand cupping his cheek, thumb caressing his skin, and the touch is _everything_ to Levi, gives him life, and purpose, Erwin’s fingers feeling so warm and tender, and the smile his man gives him is so beautifully soft and sad at the same time. “E-Erwin…” Levi sobs, staring at the left arm in the cast, then the right. _Which is still there, in one piece, totally fine_. “What… why… _how_?”

“Mr. Ackerman… you…” doctor Schneider says, but Levi’s not listening, not looking at the man, but looking at Erwin, who exchanges a look with the doc, before gazing back at his boy.

“I… I thought you… I thought you… lost your… arm…” Levi stutters.

“My arm is broken, darling. I had a surgery and all went well,” Erwin explains in a calm voice, exchanging another look with Dr Schneider, before looking back into Levi’s eyes. “My ribs are healing, too. I’ll be fine. And so will _you_ be, baby,” Erwin says, his fingers now threading through Levi’s hair. “Listen to doctor Schneider, he will tell you everything, okay?”

Levi nods, and when he turns his head to look at the man… _he finally sees it_.

Both of his legs… they’re… just like Erwin’s arm they’re each… _in a cast_.

And Levi’s heart begins to race.

“As your partner has just said,” Schneider continues in a serious but calm voice, “you’re going to be fine, Mr. Ackerman. You suffered from severe alcohol poisoning. And it sounds odd when I say, but, thanks to the… attack and the ruckus it caused, your partner’s uncle who was out looking for you anyway, finally found you. And just in time, as I may add.”

Levi’s mind is racing, as he is trying to remember just what the hell has happened, what _attack_ that man is talking about – but all he can see is the empty bottle of whisky and the ocean, and Farlan and Isabel playing in the water, and—

“Someone attacked you with a baseball bat. Mr. Zackly saw them running away, and some witnesses ran after them, when Mr. Zackly took care of you and called emergency services, police are still looking for them,” the doctor continues to explain, and Levi shivers, despite Erwin’s warm hand caressing his face lightly. “Unfortunately there has been a number of reported events of unknown criminals attacking homeless people in the area in this way, and given your circumstances – you being passed out on a bench in a park late in the evening – they might have mistaken you as such,” the man continues to explain, and Levi’s sniffling.

Because all of this is overwhelming, and… and he can’t believe that Erwin is here with him, that Erwin hasn’t lost his arm, that he’s totally fine, and if he hasn’t lost his arm… doesn’t this mean…?

“I’m sorry we had to restrain you, but you tried to attack some of the staff. Also, as your partner and medical records told us, you do have a history of suicide attempts, and taking into account how much you drank last night, we needed to make sure you wouldn’t harm yourself, once the sedative wore off again. We will keep you restrained until morning. Please bear with it. You had a surgery on both of your legs, too. Now, the injuries you suffered were not complicated and, as for now, it seems both of your legs will heal normally. It will just take time, and we will need to have another, smaller surgery, to get out the plates we implanted for internal fixation. It’s really all standard procedure so don’t worry about it.”

Levi isn’t sure he can process all the information, and quite frankly, he doesn’t give a fuck. Because Erwin is right next to him, stroking his face tenderly, with his _right_ hand, because his _right_ arm is right _there_. 

And thus…

History was _not_ repeating itself.

Right?

Levi hears the doctor explaining something about giving Levi more painkillers, and out of the corner of his eyes he sees the man leave and the nurse inject something into infusion bag, and then the woman leaves, too, and Erwin is the only one who stays behind.

The man’s smiling at him and then, Erwin slowly gets up from the chair he’s sitting on, wincing a bit as he bends down, his fingers buried in Levi’s dark hair, and presses a soft kiss onto Levi’s forehead. “I’m so glad we found you,” he whispers against Levi’s skin, kissing it again, kissing his cheek, moist with tears, finally pressing his lips onto Levi’s mouth – and Levi sobs.

Erwin sits back down onto the chair, and it’s only then that Levi realises the almost healed bruises on Erwin’s face, probably stemming from the accident he was in.

“I was so, so worried about you…” Erwin mumbles and Levi hasn’t got a clue how to describe this whirlwind of emotions coursing through his veins, making his eyes fill with more tears, his chest constrict, his heart pound like crazy. “How could you silly thing believe that I lost an arm, when Hange and Mike told you everything, and that it would lead to my death?” Erwin continues to mumble in his low voice, caressing Levi’s hair gently. “You silly boy… Scaring me like that…”

“They… th-they… didn’t…”

Erwin sighs. “Baby, they_ did_,” the man then says, just a little bit sternly, “over and over again, but you wouldn’t _listen_… Going on and on about the other life…”

Oh God…

Levi sobs.

He’s so stupid. So fucking, fucking stupid.

“I am totally fine, and I’m not gonna die because of you being in my life, Levi,” Erwin says calmly. “It’s the opposite… I felt dead all those days without knowing where you are, without _you_. I was so scared, Levi. I was scared I would lose you, and I almost _did_. How could you do this to me again?”

“I’m… I’m… I’m so sorry…” Levi chokes out, hating himself, hating his stupid, silly, sick self for jumping to conclusions like that when… _he knows shit_.

“This isn’t the other life, Levi,” Erwin continues to explain, fingers threading gently through Levi’s hair. “What am I supposed to do to make you finally understand that?”

“I… I don’t know…” Levi whines, and he feels so terrible. So utterly happy and terrible at once.

There’s a moment of silence, with Erwin just looking at Levi, smiling faintly at him. Then Erwin speaks again. “I love you so much, baby boy. You know that, right?”

Levi’s nodding, hating the restraints around his wrists, because he wants to touch Erwin so badly.

“I-I know…”

“And you love me, too, don’t you?” Erwin asks.

“Yes… Oh god, yes, yes, I do, Erwin…!” he breathes out.

“Then don’t ever run away from me again,” Erwin says. “Okay?”

Levi’s nodding, tears pouring down his cheeks like a waterfall. He won’t run away anymore. He _won’t_. He will not. Not ever. Not ever again. 

He was wrong, because he’s always wrong, jumping to conclusions without having a fucking clue. Choosing when he should just hold still. Because he isn’t made for taking decisions. He knows, deep down he knows this, but he always fucks up, because he’s a retard, just like Mike said, he’s useless and dumb and incapable of steering his own life; that’s why Erwin should do it, because _he_ knows best, and Levi knows shit, that’s why _he_ was the commander, and Levi was only his captain, that’s why Levi has to listen to Erwin, like he’s always done, and only when he follows Erwin, everything will be okay, only when he lets Erwin be in control, will he be able to live, Levi knows, understands, Levi believes Erwin, believes in everything he says.

Because Erwin knows best. 

And Levi knows shit.

“I-I won’t,” he thus promises, and Erwin hums.

Then, the blond stands up again and presses a soft kiss onto his boy’s ear lobe, presses Goerge further against Levi’s body. “Yeah…” he rasps, and a shiver runs down Levi’s spine, his man’s hot breath tickling Levi’s sensitive skin as he makes a pause before Erwin whispers: “_You belong to me, Levi. Don’t ever forget this again._”

And Levi sobs.

“I-I… _won’t._”

And Levi keeps his promise. 

In more ways than he could possibly imagine.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> so sorry about the delay - but as some of you have seen I was busy with fatwin fluff, but now that "Cookies & Cream" is finished, I am determined to bring THIS to an end - it might just take a few more chapters than initially planned. This is out of (Erwin's) control... ;-D
> 
> Because of my Christmas collab I still haven't gotten back to a lot of you WONDERFUL people leaving comments and sharing your theories with me - BUT I WILL DO THAT!!! 
> 
> Thanks again for all your feedback, I read everything. Twice. Sometimes even more often. Because you rock. And your words mean a lot to me. So please enjoy chapter 11, happy new year by the way and let's make 2020 another beautiful eruri year!
> 
> KAT

It takes a bit of time for Levi to calm down, for the light sedative administered to unfold its magic and make his feelings of terror and fright, his panic, retreat to the darkest pits of his mind, hidden from Levi’s view and grasp. But what truly helps him is Erwin’s proximity, his man’s incessant, overly gentle touching, making Levi understand that this truly is the tranquil reality. In which Erwin not only is alive, but also hasn’t lost his arm. In which Levi has been wrong about everything _yet again_.

Erwin moves even closer to the bed and threads his long fingers through Levi’s hair, all the while smiling down at his „sweet, sweet boy”– and this murmured declaration of affection soothes Levi’s heart, causes warmth to spread throughout his body, even brings him to reciprocate the smile a little, staring back into those beautiful blue orbs that will not let him out of their focus.

Levi only closes his own eyes when Erwin moves to sit on top of the bed, his warm body colliding softly with the raven’s smaller form, and Erwin bends down, wincing a little again due to his healing ribs, to pepper Levi’s face with slow and light kisses that make the younger man totally forget everything – that his legs are broken, that he’s in hospital, all the fuck he’s been through. His man’s lips brush his forehead, his nose, touch both of his cheeks, jaw, chin, and Erwin also lowers them onto Levi’s mouth in a chaste contact, over and over again.

Levi completely loses track of time, cannot tell how long Erwin actually kisses him, caresses his face and hair, arms and hands, Levi’s fingers curling slightly as a reaction to brush over Erwin’s, his body shivering as the blond leans down carefully and kisses his knuckles and fingers, and Levi wishes so much for his wrists to be free, longs to touch his boyfriend so badly. But there is no other choice: He has to endure it, and he will, _because Erwin tells him so_.

“Tomorrow you can touch me as much as you want, pretty thing,” he mumbles smiling, his hand cupping Levi’s cheek, thumb caressing the soft skin underneath, “be patient, little one.”

Then, there’s a knock on the door, and the nurse comes back in, smiling at the two of them. “Mr. Smith,” she starts talking gently to Erwin, moving a bit closer to Levi’s bed, the only one in this little room, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask you to leave, the visiting hours are ending in a few minutes.”

“Of course,” Erwin answers, smiling charmingly at the woman in her 40s, who nods and then leaves the room – and Levi’s heart is suddenly beating so fast in his chest, it almost feels as if it was thrumming against his ribcage.

“Y-you can’t... s-stay over... n-night?” he manages to mumble somehow, his mouth and tongue feeling heavy, his whole head actually, whole _body_, despite the newly born panic spreading through his veins.

Erwin leans over him, fingers once again carding through his lover’s hair. “No, baby,” he whispers, pressing a light kiss onto Levi’s forehead, “I wish I could, but I can’t break the rules. You heard the nurse: Visiting hours are over. You understand that, don’t you?”

Levi nods slowly, even though he wants to protest, and the movement is a little bit exhausting. But Erwin’s right. Because Erwin knows best. Levi fully understands that now. _How could he ever fucking forget?_

The blond offers him a warm smile and presses the teddy bear further against Levi’s body, the soft fur brushing Levi’s skin. “George will be watching over you,” he explains calmly, “I made sure he carries my scent.” As Erwin says this, Levi shudders and tilts his head so that his nose touches the stuffed bear. Then, he takes a deep breath. And sure enough: As always, Erwin did not lie. George _does_ carry his wonderful, manly, soothing fragrance... _and Levi falls in love with the stuffed animal even more_.

“I bought him the day you ran away,” Erwin explains in a placid tone, “and since then I’ve been sharing my bed with him, cuddling him, keeping him close to my body, so that he would smell like me for your return – because I can’t hug you properly due to my broken ribs, and I know how much you need to be in my embrace,” he continues, looking into Levi’s eyes, whose heart is suddenly aching upon being reminded of what he did, of how he just left Erwin; and also because Erwin must still be in so much pain because of that, and his accident must have been horrible too, and then Levi’s made it so much worse by running away and making his man fear for his life, and— “So for now you will have to cuddle with George, okay?” Erwin rasps, smiling tenderly, when Levi nods. “Do you like him?”

“Yes,” the raven answers without any hesitation, and Erwin’s smile grows even softer, making a pleasant shiver cross Levi’s skin, _while it also increases his feelings of guilt_.

“I’m glad,” the blond man breathes out, reaching out for Levi’s face once more, fingertips brushing carefully over his cheek. “I’ll be taking my leave now, but I will be back tomorrow morning, as soon as the visiting hours start again, I promise, okay?” he says, and Levi’s nodding once more, all of his body beginning to feel heavy again. “Good boy,” Erwin praises him, leaning down for a final kiss. “And Levi,” he adds, looking his boyfriend deep into the eyes, “if you want Dr Schneider to take off the restraints like he said he would, you need to stay calm and be nice to the doc and the nurses. Can you do that, love? For me?”

“...y-y-yes...” Levi breathes out and earns another beautiful praise.

“_Good boy. I love you_. And now go to sleep.”

Levi’s heart aches as he watches Erwin walk towards the door. The man turns around as he opens it and gives Levi another warm and reassuring smile before he finally leaves the room – and then Levi’s all alone again.

But not really.

Because Erwin will be back in a few hours, back with Levi, and he’ll be fine, and how on earth could he just fucking run away like that from this god-like man, how could he get himself into this mess, get Erwin into his mess, pull Mike into this mess, Hange, Nanaba, Moblit, even fucking Zackly, Jonathan, Dr Kliemer, and now he’s fucking cuffed to a hospital bed, both of his legs are broken and Erwin was alone for all this time, worrying about Levi, looking for him, yet again scared he’d find him dead, which almost happened, didn’t it, and what the fuck made him think that running away would be the right thing to do, when he had promised Erwin never to do that again all those years ago, what made him believe Erwin’s lost an arm, that he’d die, because this isn’t the other life, _is it_? This isn’t history repeating, _is it_? 

How could he be so stupid, get his things stolen, get suicidal-drunk – and what the hell would his completely pointless, pathetic death have done to Erwin? _Had he even considered this?!_ It wouldn’t have helped and healed him – it would have _destroyed_ the man. Only because Levi is so fucked up. Yes, he is not only fucking stupid, but also extremely egoistic, making Erwin suffer like this. 

And only now, as he is alone again, without Erwin, and even if he thought he was almost used to this, he realizes that he isn’t, he so isn’t, because he misses him so fucking terribly already, and why couldn’t he stay the night, why couldn’t he stay _here_, Levi needs him, it’s a simple is that: If Erwin doesn’t guide him, he’s fucking out of control, he’s proven it over again, and why can’t it be morning already, and… how… what… how…

Levi’s mind is still spinning, but the carousel is slowing down the more time passes, and he’s not able to grasp his thoughts anymore, as he slips further into the darkness, until he’s drifting away.

He wakes up a couple of times during the night, or rather he gets woken up by the night nurse checking in on him, asking him in a hushed voice if he is fine, giving him some more medication against the pain, emptying his surgical drains as well as the catheter, and Levi is only barely conscious during this procedure, falling right back into a deep slumber after the nurse leaves the room, and after a while that feels like forever and a few minutes at once, with Levi going in and out of dreams with Erwin as the protagonist, bright lights and a whole concoction of voices finally wakes him up completely. 

“Good morning,” the nurse greets him, a new one, a male one, probably a little younger than Levi, drawing back the curtains to let the sunshine fill the room. “How was your night? Are you feeling okay?” the fair-haired man asks, rolling his little cart closer to Levi’s bed with meds and other stuff. Levi tries to mumble something, but his throat is too dry. “Wait,” the slender man murmurs, grabbing the water bottle placed on the small stand to Levi’s right, “I’ll help you take a sip,” he says, smiling, bringing the bottle to Levi’s lips – and Levi’s grateful. 

“Thank you,” Levi breathes out and the nurse smiles again.

“I’m sure the doc will have the restraints removed today,” the man says, who then takes Levi’s temperature, saying that it’s okay, and also checks his blood pressure, which is also all right, takes a blood sample, making Levi flinch as the needles breaks his skin, exchanges his IV-bag, and then, giving Levi more painkillers, tells him that the doc is going to come in soon on his round. And right before the nurse – Damian, as Levi finds out from the man’s chitter-chatter monologue – leaves his hospital room, Levi gathers the courage to ask:

“Wh… when do… the visiting hours begin…?”

“At nine,” Damian answers, offering another smile, “in two hours.”

Two hours.  
240 minutes until he can see Erwin again.  
That’s 14.400 seconds until Erwin will walk through this door, touch him again, kiss him.

“C-can… can you put, um, the t-teddy bear… closer to me…?” Levi asks again, realizing that George isn’t touching his body anymore, that he must have rolled off of him during night time. The nurse seems to be hesitating just for a second, then smiles again and complies, and Levi feels instantly better when he feels the fluffy, artificial fur pressed against his skin; inhaling his man’s scent once more.

Levi falls back into a slumber, a light, dreamless sleep, until somebody’s carefully shaking him awake. It’s Damian, but he is not alone – there’s Dr Schneider, smiling at him, surrounded by more nurses. “How are you doing, Mr. Ackerman?” he asks – and Levi’s terrified because there are so many people staring at him, and he can’t move, can’t run away, and he’s alone, because Erwin’s not here, cannot tell him what to say, how to respond how to behave and—

_‘If you want Dr Schneider to take off the restraints like he said he would, you need to stay calm and be nice to the doc and the nurses. Can you do that, love? For me?’ _

Erwin’s voice resounds in his head – and Levi wants to lose the restraints so badly, wants to obey Erwin, be a good boy, because that’s what he is: Erwin’s little good, obedient boy. Forever and ever, and he’s caused the man so much trouble already and he has to make up for it!

…and that’s why he pulls himself together, screams at all of his being to do this, to work this out, to be good, nice, to act _fucking normal_.

“---f-fine…” he rasps, even managing to smile a little. 

The doctor nods looking at his notes. “All of your results look good, Mr. Ackerman,” he continues saying. “Do you have any complaints?”

“…w-well, m-my legs… hurt a little…” 

Dr Schneider and the nurses chuckle lightly, taking this as a joke, and when Levi thinks about it, he realises that his remark was rather dumb and really did sounded like something meant as funny…

“The fracture and surgery wounds are still fresh,” the doc explains nonetheless, “but the pain should be better with every day passing.” 

He says Levi will have to stay only a couple of days in the hospital before he can go home, asks some more questions as to whether Levi’s head is okay, listens to his heartbeat, checks his pulse and does some other medical stuff and Levi endures it all, brings himself to smile, brings himself to act fine – because that’s what Erwin wants and it’s what he needs to do to get rid of the restraints; and Levi succeeds. The doc tells Damian to take the straps off, and when Levi can finally move his arms, and the doctor and his surrounding nurses have left his room, the first thing he does is grab George with both of his arms and embrace the teddy bear tightly taking in a deep breath, inhaling his man’s lingering scent; _as if it was Erwin himself_.

But Erwin isn’t here yet and Levi’s legs hurt. 

It’s not unbearable, but not pleasant either. And when he tries to move to lie on his side, Levi fails – because the tubes of the catheter and both the surgery drains are in their way and move unnaturally, get caught in the sheets, and Levi cannot manage to not lie on top of them, but doesn’t want to call Damian or another nurse to help him; so he finally gives up and remains lying on his back, both arms wrapped around George’s soft form; and eventually he snoozes off again, despite the lady walking in and placing his tray of breakfast on the little tray table on wheels next to Levi’s bed.

He dreams of Erwin again. He hears his man’s voice. And suddenly, Levi isn’t sure whether he’s still sleep-imagining it or if he’s really hearing it. He gets his answer as soon as he opens his eyes and his small hospital room comes into focus – and he can still hear Erwin’s voice, speaking in a hushed tone. Immediately Levi turns his head to look into the direction this is coming from; and he sees him.

Erwin’s sitting close to his bed on the same chair he sat yesterday, holding his phone to his hand with right hand; _because it’s still there, intact, healthy, not gone like Levi thought it was, stupid fucking idiot_. His left arm is encased by a black removable splint and is resting on the arm of the chair.

“…no, he’s, he’s still sleeping, I’ll talk to him as soon as he wakes up,” Erwin mumbles into the phone, and just then their eyes meet, and Erwin smiles so beautifully when he registers that Levi’s conscious, looking at him. “Hey, he’s up now, I’ll call you later,” he says, instantly ending the call and putting the phone away. “Baby,” he breathes out, getting to his feet as he witnesses Levi trying to prop himself up using his free arms – but he’s failing, because his strength – limited as it is – hasn’t returned yet. “Wait,” he hums, “I’ll help you, darling. Don’t move, you’ll hurt yourself.”

“Okay… _I-I… I want to touch you_,” Levi mumbles. Or at least he wants to mumble those words, but it turns out into a pathetic whine, because he’s so fucking needy and he asks himself how he thought he could _ever_ be without Erwin.

The blond hums again, smiling lightly, as he grabs the bed control panel to lift up the head section of the mattress, thus helping Levi to move into a sitting position. “Is this okay?” Erwin asks him as the mattress moves up slowly, and Levi nods, holding on to George so that the teddy bear doesn’t fall off. “Did he help you sleep?” Erwin asks calmly, motioning his head at the stuffed animal. 

Levi smiles. “…yes… he… he really smells like you…”

As soon as the bed has moved into its final position, Erwin slides onto it, making their bodies press lightly against each other and his arm – his right, intact, healthy arm – snakes itself around Levi’s back, pushing between his skin and the pillow, his big arm grabbing his hip while Levi loops both of his arms around Erwin, and starts crying as soon as his fingers touch his man, fingers of his left hand digging into the man’s shirt and the shoulder underneath it, while his right hand moves directly to Erwin’s neck, feeling for his calming pulse. “Shhhh...” Erwin tries to calm him, pressing a kiss onto his temple, “it’s okay, honey, I’m here, you’re fine, everything’s all right.”

“I’m sorry, Erwin,” Levi whispers and then finally does what he wanted to do all this while: touch his boyfriend. His fingers trace the shape of Erwin’s face, touch his bushy eyebrows, his aquiline nose, his lips still forming a smile, moving to kiss Levi’s fingers as they brush over them. 

“I know, darling…” he whispers.

“I really am, Erwin…!” Levi sobs and Erwin’s hand – his right, healthy, unbroken, still existing, hand – begins to stroke his back.

“Baby, I know,” he answers leaning forward and pressing his lips onto Levi’s forehead, “it’s okay. You need to focus on getting better now.”

“…I’m so sorry I hurt you so much…” Levi whispers, because the guilt is just so much, and he needs to get it out, swallowing his next sob.

“I know,” Erwin breathes out and places a kiss on top of Levi’s hair, “I know baby, and I just told you that it’s okay. Don’t worry about it anymore. You need to get better. How are you feeling? How are your legs?”

“I-I’m… I’m okay,” Levi answers, dropping his apologies, because Erwin wants him to, his eyes closed, head leaning against Erwin’s shoulder, enjoying how the man – his man – in turn is resting his cheek on his crown and is still moving his hand along his back, stroking him, while George lies spread out across their laps.

“Are you in a lot of pain?” Erwin asks.

“…n-not a lot…”

“But you are hurting?”

“I-It’s… bearable.”

“Do you need more painkillers? Should I call the nurse?”

“N-no… it… it’s fine… _Now that you’re here…_”

“You’ll be home with me soon,” Erwin tells him in a whisper, and Levi cannot describe how happy Erwin’s words actually make him feel. “I love you, baby boy, and I am so happy to have you back. Do you want to eat something?”

Erwin feeds Levi a light breakfast. None of what the lady from the hospital has brought in. The blond’s gotten Levi his favourite cinnamon bun from their local bakery and also brought Levi’s favourite tea, and both things taste amazing, even if he doesn’t eat much, isn’t able to. But this time Erwin doesn’t complain or force Levi to finish it, simply smiles and praises him for the little portion he _has_ eaten.

He helps Levi get rid of the filth making him start to feel uncomfortable, has Damian bring him a sponge and a bowl filled with water and a bit of soap. And even though the nurse offers to do it – “it is my job, after all, Mr. Smith” – also pointing out friendly that it would simply be easier this way since both of his arms are functioning, Erwin declines and sends the nurse away.

“I hate other people touching you,” Erwin explains calmly as he pushes away the duvet, watches as his boy – made happy by his man’s previous remark – pushes down the hospital gown, revealing his upper body.

“I can do it myself,” Levi suggests carefully, but Erwin shakes his head.

“You’re still weak,” he says, “you need to recover, let me handle this. Don’t move about more than you really have to.”

It’s another remark that makes Levi glad, makes him smile tenderly and his heart beat a little bit faster. Especially when Erwin starts cleaning him – George properly propped up at the other side of the bed, glass eyes focussed on him and Erwin. The blond’s moving the moist sponge across Levi’s skinny body, wetting his pale skin, sliding it all over his torso and face, and Levi instantly feels refreshed – even though deep down he longs for a proper bubble bath, but he knows that this will have to wait. Besides: this tender treatment feels nice. Intimate.

Erwin’s so close to him, Levi can feel the man’s breath on him, brushing over the little fit of goosebumps spread all over his skin, and he’s smiling whenever their eyes meet.

Then, Erwin stands up, putting the sponge back into to bowl, and grabs the duvet again, pulls it off completely – and Levi freezes for a second looking at his broken legs and the remnants of blood and whatnot seeping out of the tubes and into the drain apparatus. He swallows, glad that at least the times of super thick plaster casts seems to be over because his legs look more as if they’ve just been bandaged a little thicker.

_It reminds him of... _

Levi startles a little bit as Erwin reaches out for his hospital gown and pulls it off his body completely, leaving Levi sitting on the bed in only thin and transparent sort of surgery briefs, staring at the tube stuffed into his private parts from the catheter, the bag fixated onto the other side of the mattress, and Levi instantly feels a little embarrassed – and then he startles again as Erwin sits back down on the mattress and pushes one of Levi’s dark strands behind his ear. “What’s wrong?” he asks, putting the sponge suddenly back onto Levi’s belly, making the raven flinch slightly yet again.

“I…” Levi starts, and then suddenly reality hits him. A reality in which he vowed never to lie to Erwin. A reality in which he vowed to never withhold any information again – and that’s exactly what happened, what he’s done. Planning his escape in secret has caused mayhem and has nearly destroyed them both. And suddenly, Levi realizes that all this time he had been lying to himself, that telling himself that he didn’t have a choice in leaving Erwin had been nothing but a pretext. A pathetic attempt at hiding the brutal truth from himself: _that he was making a decision_.

And Levi isn’t supposed to make decisions.

Erwin says he’s bad at making decisions. And he’s fucking right about that. 

Because of his decision Erwin _died_ on that rooftop – that’s why Levi _doesn’t_ make decisions anymore.

_How could he seriously forget that?!_

His eyes begin watering and he feels his chest constricting. 

“Hey,” Erwin breathes out, letting go of the sponge and cupping Levi’s cheek instead, making the raven look up at him – and in that moment the salty tears stream down his cheeks, “what’s wrong?” the blond enquires, his voice quiet and calm, tender but concerned. “Have I hurt you? Are you okay? Do you want me to call the nurse?” Erwin moves even closer, his face hovering right in front of Levi’s, whose mouth produces a loud sob, both hands moving upwards, digging into Erwin’s pullover, holding it as his whole body begins to tremble.

“Oh god…” he nearly mewls – and Erwin freezes.

“That’s it, I’m calling the nurse,” he then suddenly announces and reaches out for the control panel – and it’s then that Levi realizes that Erwin isn’t angry, but worried. _That he’s panicking_.

“No!” Levi whines. “No, Erwin, please, no nurse, I-I’m fine!” he protests, reaching out for Erwin’s arm to stop him and their eyes meet.

The blond brows furrow. “Obviously you are _not_,” Erwin hisses, and Levi sobs again.

“I just…” his voice trails off and he tries to swallow the big lump in his throat.

“You just what, Levi? Talk to me, baby…” Erwin murmurs gently, his fingers back at Levi’s check, caressing his moist skin lightly. “Talk to me… _please._”

And then Levi manages to raise his head, look into Erwin’s eyes once more, and something inside of him nearly crumbles. Because he feels it so heavily in this moment: the suffocating, poisonous guilt. _And it’s all his fault_.

“I failed you. _Again_,” he blurts out, and Erwin tilts his head, saying nothing, waiting for him to continue, to explain. “I thought… I… I thought I had no choice, but I was wrong,” he sobs, “I was wrong, Erwin, and… and I… I made a bad decision, I ran away even though I promised you not to do this again, a-a-and even though I’m not supposed to m-make any d-decisions, oh my god, you make the decisions, _you_. I’m so— I’m so fucking stupid…”

“Levi, my sweet prince,” Erwin interjects, pulling Levi against his body, whose arms wrap around the blond man instantly, fingers practically clawing into his man’s flesh, Levi’s face pressed against Erwin’s chest, who suddenly winces and hisses out in pain, “darling, not so tight,” he breathes out – and Levi remembers that Erwin’s ribs are broken.

“S-sorry,” he mumbles, complying, loosening his embrace, and Erwin hums, breathes a kiss on top of Levi’s head. 

“It’s all right,” he murmurs, “everything is all right, Levi. You were wrong, and you did something extremely stupid, yes, but this is neither the place nor the time to speak about this, boy.” Erwin places another kiss onto Levi’s crown. “You said yourself: I make the decisions. And I told you to focus on getting better. So don’t dwell on the past for now, but look ahead: I want you to get out of here as soon as possible. I want to take you and George home as fast as I can. Don’t you want to come home, Levi? Come home to me?”

“I do, god, I do…!” it breaks out of Levi as do a couple more tears. 

“Then stop talking about what you did, stop apologizing, and let me clean you up. Okay?”

Levi sniffles. But it feels so good to be told by Erwin what he’s supposed to do, it’s even making him smile a little. “O-okay…” he whispers, and Erwin kisses his temple.

“Good boy.”

He cleans the rest of Levi’s body, his thighs, his nether region, everything he gets access to, and even though Levi still feels a little bit embarrassed about the catheter, he keeps his mouth shut, lets Erwin clean him up, help him, help him get better, because this is what it’s all about, Levi understands that, longs to do just whatever Erwin asks of him, will do whatever Erwin tells him to, lets the blond help him to brush his teeth, give him one of his t-shirts he’s brought from home to put on – and it feels so good to have a familiar piece of clothing cover his skin, it feels so good to be connected to his home, _their_ home, again. 

Erwin moves back onto the bed, arm wrapping around Levi who cuddles up to his boyfriend immediately, revelling in the warmth radiating from Erwin’s body, their renewed closeness, revelling in the fact that Erwin announces that he’s gonna stay with him the whole day.

He reads him a book that Levi holds for him, turning the pages. They watch a movie, the tablet Erwin’s brought with him placed on the blond man’s lap. Sometimes Levi just sleeps, his head pressed against Erwin’s shoulder, and his man kisses him as much as possible - on the forehead, his cheeks, lips, brings the boy’s hands, his fingers to his mouth, smiling tenderly whenever their eyes meet, telling him that his arms and ribs are healing just fine and that he isn’t in pain, that it’s just a bit bothersome; and the blond man truly does move about way slower than usual, minding where and how he puts his left arm down and how he manoeuvres himself into a sitting as well as standing position.

They are only interrupted from time to time by Damian walking in to check the drains, remove them eventually, which only hurts a little, and change the catheter bag, give Levi some more painkillers, and Erwin only leaves the room shortly to get them lunch, informing the head nurse to cancel Levi’s hospital food as he will be brought every meal from outside.

It’s almost four in the afternoon when Erwin, returning from the bathroom of the little hospital room, moves back onto the bed facing Levi, taking his boyfriend’s hand into his, running his thumb in a calming fashion over his thin skin.

“Baby,” he begins in a very soft tone, “we need to talk about something very important. Okay?”

“Okay,” Levi breathes out, once more filled with feelings of relief and happiness that Erwin’s taken over again, that the blond will tell him what to do, how to proceed, how to behave. Levi doesn’t feel alone anymore, and he’s back where he belongs, where he’s always belonged: at his commander’s side. But what Erwin says next sends arctic shivers down Levi’s spine and unpleasant goosebumps all over his skin.

“The police will probably come over soon to question you about the incident at the park.” Levi’s throat is dry and it feels as if someone had wound a tight rope around his neck, squeezing down, making it hard to breathe and almost impossible to speak. But Levi doesn’t have to say anything. Erwin not only continues to caress the back of his hand, he also carries on speaking. “Don’t worry about it, my love. I will prepare you for this, I know how talking to strangers makes you feel uncomfortable, but you’ll be fine. You just need to listen to me carefully, all right? Can you do that, Levi?”

“C-can you stay with me when they come?” Levi feels himself asking breathlessly, and Erwin offers an apologetic smile.

“I hope they will let me, but I cannot promise you that. It’s not my decision to make.” Levi starts trembling slightly and fear shoots through his veins. “Hey...” Erwin immediately breathes out, scooting closer, pressing a kiss to Levi’s cheek, “I told you I will prepare you for this, didn’t I?”

“...yes...”

“And you trust me, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Levi rasps without hesitation.

Erwin smiles. “Then do as I tell you and listen to me,” he tells Levi – and the raven obeys. _Because Erwin’s in control and he knows best._

It’s all making sense. Everything Erwin says. And why wouldn’t it? Erwin is smart and only has Levi’s best interest at heart, _everyone’s_ best interest, because Erwin is also kind.

He reassures Levi, even makes him feel a little bit confident, and Levi’s pretty sure he’ll be able to make it, endure a possible conversation with the policemen. But when Erwin leaves in the evening, leaves Levi to cuddle with George, whom the blond man held close today too in order to renew his scent, Levi begins to feel terrified.

_Because what if he fucks this up? _

No.

He tells all those voices of doubt within him to shut up immediately, pushes them over an imaginary cliff.

No.

He won’t fuck up.

Because Levi only fucks up when he isn’t listening to Erwin’s direction, when he’s acting on his own, out of Erwin’s control – when he takes up his own decisions. Yet this time he won’t. In fact, he will never again listen to his intuition, never again be disobedient, never again _make_ his own decision. He’ll listen to Erwin, because his man knows best and Levi’s memorised every single word Erwin’s told him and it’s gonna be just...

_It’s going to be just like in their past life. _

Commander Erwin Smith devising a plan and Captain Levi Ackerman carrying it out without hesitation, following every step, no matter what it might be and no matter what it might take. Because this is what he was born for. Again. He was put on this earth to be by Erwin’s side, to be _his_. And he will cherish every moment of this second chance.

He’s determined.

Determined to get better, determined to listen to Erwin, determined to be obedient, determined to make Erwin proud, make him smile in that mesmerising way, determined to make the blond man praise him for being such a good boy. 

He’s determined to be worthy of Erwin’s love, once again asking himself how the fuck he could possibly run away, how he could possibly think all the things he’s thought, how he could be so dumb, so selfish, so…

He barely makes it through the night, waking up almost every hour because he’s trying to move onto his side – and it’s just so painful with his legs like this, and some time after the morning round, which costs him so much strength already because he has to talk to the doctor again, and his minions are all staring at him, Levi’s bowels are nearly killing him, and it takes him almost ten minutes to bring himself to call for the nurse, because how on earth is he going to go to the toilet when he cannot get out of bed? 

And when the nurse, Damian, comes in, and Levi’s a stuttering mess, needing several attempts at explaining his situation, Damian just smiles, hurrying out of the room only to return with… _a freaking bedpan_. And Levi goes through the most embarrassing and horrific situation of his whole life, and he is sure he can never look Damian in the eyes again, who helps him take off the panty-like briefs and moves his body to position the freaking portable toilet just underneath his ass – and later on, when Levi’s done with his business and calls for him with the button placed right next to him, removes the filled device and even wipes his ass with a lukewarm washcloth, even though Levi’s already done that with the paper provided with by the nurse.

“I’m going to remove the catheter now,” the nurse, still smiling politely, explains, after he’s put away the bedpan – and Levi panics again, because how on earth is he going to— “If you need to pee just call me, I’ll bring you a urinal.”

Levi cannot bring himself to ask, but he finds out what it is after one hour, when his bladder is killing him because he drank too much of the tasty orange juice Erwin’s left for him to consume – and he freaking wants to die again, because he’s seriously forced to pee into a plastic container that looks like a crossover between a bong and a milk bottle, and Damian’s seriously asking whether Levi needs help in putting it between his legs and inserting his freaking dick, and the raven’s probably as red as a tomato when he declines, stuttering like a child. Because he feels like a child. And it’s terrible.

It doesn’t help that Damian explains to him that this is the most normal thing in the world and he doesn’t need to feel bad or even embarrassed about it, because this is how it is when you’re bedridden, and carrying a patient over to sit on the normal toilet is near to impossible. “If you feel more comfortable wearing a diaper, I can arrange for that,” Damian says – and it’s not a joke, and Levi feels terrified and even more disgusted than he already is, and he really feels like crying, not looking at Damian when he declines and the man leaves the room, and when he does, a few tears do roll down Levi’s cheeks, as he hugs George tightly, because he is just so fucking stressed about the whole ordeal and all he wants to do is get home but—

_But what’s gonna happen home? _

Erwin can’t carry him to the toilet, can he? With only his arm broken it wouldn’t be a problem, but Erwin’s ribs are broken, and besides: The man has to go back to work soon, doesn’t he? Doesn’t he? And how—

“Baby boy…” Erwin’s voice right next to him startles Levi and he flinches, looking up and into his man’s beautiful eyes, fixated on him. 

“E-Erwin!” he gasps – and then more tears roll down his eyes.

“Hey… what’s wrong, darling?” Erwin enquires in a soft voice, setting the small travel and grocery shopping bag onto the floor, immediately moving to sit on the mattress, reaching out to cup Levi’s face. “What’s wrong, Levi?”

“I… I’m… I…”

Erwin breathes a kiss onto his forehead and then scoots even closer, pulling Levi into an embrace, and Levi sobs, both of his arms looping around his man’s neck. “Shhhh… it’s okay Levi, let it out. I’m here. I’ve got you,” he whispers against his skin, and it feels so good for his man to be here, so close, to feel Erwin’s body, hear him breathing, feel his warmth.

It takes a few minutes of Erwin whispering soothing words into Levi’s ear to make him calm down, reassuring him that he’s got him, that he’s here, that everything is fine, while his fingers caress his back. “I’m… sorry…” Levi breathes out and Erwin hums.

“It’s okay, pretty thing,” he tells him, letting him out of the embrace slowly, his hand moving from his back to cup his cheek when he looks at him and smiles tenderly. “Can you tell me why you’re upset? Are you in pain?”

Levi shakes his head because the painkillers Damian gave him are doing a great job. And just when he is about to open his mouth to tell Erwin the disgusting truth, because he doesn’t want to keep anything from the blond – there’s a knock on the door. And it’s not Damian or any other nurse, not Dr Schneider or any other medical staff.

_It’s the fucking police_. And Levi swallows.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks,
> 
> I still haven't managed to reply to all of your beautiful comments on the last chapter but I will do so later or tomorrow. I've used my time to type this up for you. 
> 
> Before you jump in, take a look at this magnificent artpiece D'oki has drawn for this fic: https://twitter.com/Eruvin_Smisu/status/1216149624408412165
> 
> I won't spare you all the warnings for this chapter because if you have made it so far, you are aware that we are on our road to hell.
> 
> Let's go.

There are two officers. One is female with auburn hair, the other one a dark blond male. Both must be in their 40s. 

“Sorry for the intrusion,” says the chubby man, introducing himself as August Köhler, and Levi swallows dryly, trying to hold back his burgeoning nervousness. “This is my colleague, Sonja Kress,” the officer continues pointing to the woman in tow, “may we speak with you, Mr. Ackerman?” The raven nods, praying that the cops will not comment on his drying tears. _They don’t._

Erwin stands up, introduces himself as Levi’s life partner, shaking hands with the two police officers before they come over to Levi to exchange similar greetings with him, grabbing the two chairs placed under the window next in order to sit down – and Levi’s heart is beating so heavily in his chest; but he is so fucking grateful and happy and _relieved_, because it seems that Erwin is, indeed, allowed to stay in the room. And the man, having also sat down very close to Levi’s bed, grabs his hand, rubbing soothing circles onto his boy’s sensitive skin, and he’s smiling encouragingly as Levi dares to shoot him a quick glance, dares to take a look at George propped up on the other side of the bed, before he focusses back at the policemen – just like they discussed, just like Erwin told him to do.

_“Don’t look at me when they talk to you, look at them.”_

“We’re investigating your case, Mr. Ackerman,” Köhler continues, “and as of now it looks as if you were attacked by the unknown criminals we have been trying to identify for quite some time already,” he adds, explaining what Dr Schneider has previously told Levi – that there’s been a row of attacks on homeless people, similar to his, and that maybe those people or an individual – whoever is responsible – might have mistaken him as such. “We just need to make sure this is, indeed, another connected incident. That’s why we’re here,” Köhler closes his introduction, flipping open his notebook and activating his pen. “So we’re just gonna ask you a few questions, okay? If it is too much, please tell us. I know you’re still recovering from everything, Mr. Ackerman, but we want to find those men or women who did this to you as soon as possible.”

“…I… understand y-you c-can ask me anything you want…” Levi answers.

_“Make sure they know you’re willing to cooperate. Then they will be nice to you and it will be over quickly.”_

“Walk me through this: what were you doing in the park?” Köhler asks – and Levi’s hands are trembling as his memories take him back to the night of the attack and he feels everyone’s eyes resting on him, making his skin tingle, making him wish this was already over. But it isn’t. And he has to pull himself together to make it be over quickly. He has to do and say everything Erwin’s told him – then it’ll be fine.

“I… I was getting drunk,” Levi thus answers truthfully, just like they practised.

_“Don’t beat around the bush. Always give straight answers.” _

“Were you alone?”

“Yes.”

“Why were you getting drunk, Mr. Ackerman?” Sonja Kress asks, who had been looking at the teddy bear before.

“I-I was upset,” Levi responds, swallowing dryly once again.

_“Don’t think about your replies for too long, answer immediately.”_

“Why? Did something happen?” the woman asks and Levi can see her taking a look at Erwin, who squeezes Levi’s hand immediately – because he knows that now the tough part is to follow and he wants to give his boy the strength he needs to get through this. And Levi will. 

“I thought my boyfriend was cheating on me,” he blatantly lies. Because he promised Erwin to say this. Because Erwin told him to say so. Because Levi will always fulfil Erwin’s requests. Because Erwin knows best.

_“Don’t talk about the other life and your assumption about me losing an arm and dying soon based on your alleged memories. Even though it’s the truth, they wouldn’t understand. It would sound as if you were a madman, or worse – as if you were making this up in order to cover something up. We don’t want this, do we, Levi?”_

_“No…”_

_“In both cases they would probably want to speak to uncle Darius again, about more of your medical history, and we a) don’t need strangers to know about all the details of your situation and b) – we don’t need to involve Darius any further than he already is. After all: He found you and was questioned twice, told the police only what was necessary about your instable mental well-being then. We don’t need the police to ask him a third time and for uncle Darius to tell them all about your sessions, do we?”_

_“No…!”_

_“You know that uncle Darius really does a lot for you. You know that he treats you differently than other patients, you’re special to him, and sending you to the closed ward would be last thing he does and he would hate himself for doing so. You know that, don’t you, Levi?”_

_“Y-yes… I-I know that.”_

_“We should be thankful uncle Darius knows this hospital’s head psychiatrist and already asked him to examine you much later than necessary, so that he and I can also prepare you for this talk. You understand how big of a favour this is, don’t you, Levi? You should be grateful. Because you don’t want to be institutionalised again, darling, do you?”_

_“Oh god, no…!”_

_“But another psychiatrist might just do that because he doesn’t care about you as much as uncle Darius does, if you tell him about the growing amount of your flashbacks to your alleged past life and that you tried to take your life based on your false assumptions… You know that also, don’t you?”_

_“…y-yes… yes, I know.”_

Köhler and Kress both raise their gaze to look at Erwin after Levi reveals the possible cheating, then focus back on Levi. “You thought he was cheating?” Köhler repeats, once more glancing at Erwin, who squeezes Levi’s hand again.

“Yes,” Levi immediately responds.

“And _did_ you cheat on Mr. Ackerman, Mr. Smith?” Kress suddenly asks his man, and it makes an arctic shiver travel down Levi’s spine.

“No,” the blond responds calmly, “it was all a big misunderstanding. One I regret very much.” Erwin sighs, and squeezes Levi’s hand lightly, and the raven understands that he should take over again.

_“You should do most of the talking, don’t let me ramble, even if they ask me directly. This isn’t about me, this is about you, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.” _

“H-he w-wanted to surprise me with George, um, that, that big teddy bear over there,” Levi stammers, his heart hammering wickedly in his chest, pointing to the said stuffed toy both officers look at again at the moment the raven mentions the item, “I, um, I had one just like that when I was a child which I held very dearly and we’d spoken a-about this s-some time ago, and E-Erwin… Erwin finally got me one.”

It’s truly surprising how easily Levi can lie. And then again – it isn’t. Because for one, Erwin told him to lie, and Levi will do anything that man tells him to do, and for two, Levi only doesn’t lie _to Erwin_.

Köhler’s brows furrow “…and how is this connected to you thinking your partner cheated on you?” he asks – and Levi realizes that he’s left out the important information, and Erwin’s squeezing his hand again, and the raven grows even fucking more nervous, telling all those voices inside of his head that begin to scream at him for fucking this up to shut the hell up – because he cannot fail. And he won’t. Because this is all Erwin’s plan, _and the commander knows best_.

Levi licks over his lips. “S-sorry,” he says, “m-my head is still fuzzy a-after the accident,” he gives the officers an excuse which they accept; at least that is what their sympathetic smiles hint at. 

_“If you get nervous and start stammering or say something that doesn’t make sense to them, tell them it’s still hard to focus for you after the accident. They will feel compassion towards you and be understanding, go softer on you – and then you can relax again.”_

“Of course,” says Kress, “please: tell us why you thought your partner was cheating on you.”

Levi takes a deep breath, recalling all of Erwin’s words. “He… he was, er, always talking on the phone in a hushed voice and deleting his browser history, hiding his mobile from me – because he… He didn’t want me to find out he was s-searching for the p-perfect bear, and when he… When he talked to his good friend, who had spotted th-this one,” Levi says, motioning once again towards George, “I-I overheard him saying ‘I will love you forever for this’ – and, I, um, I, um thought he was… I-I thought he was talking to his a-a-ffair…”

It sounds plausible, and yet Kress and Köhler exchange a certain glance, then look at George, and Levi’s getting anxious, almost crushing his boyfriend’s hand because he is so tense – but then chubby Köhler chuckles. “Oh…” he says, “I see.” _And Levi feels so relieved…!_

“I shouldn’t have been so secretive,” Erwin says, looking at Levi, who turns his head to reciprocate this soft gaze, _just like they practiced_, “especially because I know that you been cheated on in the past, Levi,” Erwin then continues their lie, “and the fear of it happening again is still gripping you tightly. I’m sorry baby, I really am. I cannot tell you enough. I wasn’t thinking.”

“I-I know,” Levi answers, lips curling into a smile even though they are quivering, because he is so fucking nervous because the officers are so close, still watching them intently, and Levi hates being watched by strangers, and this all isn’t the truth, and yet talking about it this hurts so much, because if Erwin ever cheated on him it would fucking break his heart, shatter it, and he wouldn’t know what to do, and his mind travels back to the way those students had been looking at their professor all those years ago, when Levi first ran away and— Erwin squeezes Levi’s hand again, and the raven nearly curses, because his mind has drifted off, and he’s not done yet! They’re _not done yet_ with this display of affection, of their relationship. “I, uh, I already f-forgave you, s-silly. It’s m-my fault, I-I… I should trust you after all those years. I’m sorry. It was dumb. I-I should have just c-confronted you instead o-of storming out like that and getting drunk…” he stammers.

_“We need to show them that you’re already over this, that you truly had been wrong and that there is nothing wrong with our relationship. Because there truly isn’t.”_

_“No, no, there isn’t.”_

“Mr. Ackerman,” Köhler picks up again, “you and your partner live on the other side of town… how did you end up in that particular park…?”

Levi swallows the lump in his throat, and the next thing he says isn’t even a lie. “I… I used to live there, so, I, um, I didn’t know where to go, so I went somewhere… familiar.”

“So you chose that park consciously?” the female officer asks.

“Yes. I… I used to go there very often. And… I used to drink there, too.”

“…are you an alcoholic, Mr. Ackerman?” Köhler takes over again.

“I… I think I used to be.”

“You _think_?”

“N-no… I know. E-Erwin helped me to g-get off the booze…” Levi corrects himself, angry that he’s fucked up his answer, scared.

“So this was your first drink after a longer period of time?”

Erwin caresses Levi’s hand in a loving fashion, and it helps Levi to calm his nerves as the pace of the conversation is increasing, helps him to push back the anger at himself. “Yes. I, um, I quit alcohol around five years ago wh-when we m-met and, uh, started going out.”

“I see,” Köhler says, scribbling something down on his notepad. “When did you leave the house on the day of the attack?” he then asks, and Levi recalls the time schedule Erwin and he agreed on.

“I-I think it was around four in the afternoon,” Levi says.

“Yeah,” Erwin agrees, looking at the police officers, “I realized he wasn’t home and had left his phone behind before five.”

_“We shouldn’t involve neither Jonathan nor Dr Kliemer, that’s why we shouldn’t tell the police you were gone for a few days and staying somewhere else. You put especially your friend through enough stress by making him take care of you out of the blue and then disappearing on him in the same way, don’t you agree, Levi?”_

_“Y-yeah… how is… have you…?” _

_“Uncle Darius talked to both Jonathan and to Kliemer – don’t worry about that, it’s all settled. They both understand the situation and wish you all the best.”_

_“O-o-okay…”_

_“Involving them would not only be bothersome for them, but also pointless. Because they didn’t witness anything concerning the attack – and that would only make the police waste time on nothing that helps close the case.”_

_“…y-you’re right.”_

_“I really think you caused enough distress for everyone.”_

_“Y-yeah… Can… will… Will I be able to see Jonathan again? I… I w-want to… apologize personally.”_

_“When you’re better we can talk about this. But first, you need to heal, okay?”_

_“O-okay.” _

“The attack happened around nine in the evening,” the male policeman continues, “walk me through those hours: what did you do, where did you go, who did you possibly meet on your way?”

“I, uh, at f-first I was going around t-town aimlessly, with the s-subway, but mostly on foot, a-and then, I went to my… I went to my old neighbourhood, but I, I didn’t meet anyone I knew. Th-then I went to my old supermarket and, g-got my old favourite drink…”

“The whisky?” Kress asks, and Levi feels his cheeks flaming up in heat because he feels so embarrassed about having had an alcohol problem. _He feels so bad about having gotten this drunk, when he had been so wrong about everything…_

“Y-yeah.”

“And then you went straight to the park?” Köhler continues his questions.

“N-not really, I… I walked around a bit, and _then_ went to the park.”

“Do you recall the time of your arrival?”

“N-no, I… I didn’t have a watch. I… I don’t wear watches, and, a-as Erwin said: I left my ph-phone behind.”

“Why did you?”

“I-I… I didn’t want him to call me. I, I knew he would, c-cause he’d get w-worried…”

_“There’s no point in lying about having accidentally forgotten your phone. These days no one forgets their phone, even if they are stressed.” _

“Did anyone pass you by as you were drinking?” the policeman asks and Levi shakes his head.

“No, I… I d-don’t think so, I… I don’t really remember, but… the bench is… far away from the main path.”

“Is there a reason why you chose this particular bench?” the female asks.

“Yes – _because_ it’s s-secluded. I… I wanted to be a-alone and this was my favourite place when I, uh, used to live close by…” Levi answers – and this sentence is also absolutely true.

“Mr. Ackerman,” Köhler takes over again, looking over his notes, before he raises his gaze to look back into Levi’s eyes, “what do you remember about the attack?”

Levi sighs, pressing his lips together – the sequence at the beach his mind had created flashes before his eyes, because this is the only thing he really recalls; but of course it’s something he cannot and will not tell the officers. Because it has to do with his other life, and when he reveals this, the risk of him being institutionalised again increases, as Erwin says; and that’s definitely _not_ what Levi wants. “A-absolutely nothing,” he thus replies, “I… I r-remember falling in and out of consciousness and th-then I-I felt pain, but it was… as if it was in a dream, and… And then I w-woke up h-here…”

“Were you trying to drink yourself to death?” Kress asks. “The level of alcohol in your blood was extremely high. You drank the whole bottle in a fast amount of time, the doctor said.”

“I-I wasn’t trying to kill myself, god, no…” Levi lies, even managing to snort, fairly impressed with himself, “I just… I f-forgot I’m not u-used to whisky anymore, b-but it tasted so good and, uh, it… it t-took my mind off of the, er, situation…”

_“You cannot make them believe you are suicidal. Remember: You don’t want to go back to the closed ward, do you? Make it look like you relapsed.” _

“Okay, I see,” Köhler says, humming, looking down at his notes – and then he suddenly looks at Erwin. “Mr. Smith,” the policeman says, and Levi’s chest is constricting, and he hasn’t really got an idea why exactly, “you and your uncle were out searching for Mr. Ackerman.”

“That’s correct,” Erwin says instantly, voice calm and clear, his thumb still stroking the back of Levi’s hand.

“How did you actually know he would be in the park?”

Levi’s heart begins to hammer in his chest, but before he can break out in a full-on panic, Erwin’s already answering the question. “I didn’t, at least not for sure. It was one of our last spots to search that evening. After that we had planned to go straight to the police to file a missing person report,” he says in a placid tone, “as I already told your colleagues: I had called all of Levi’s friends and had gone out to the neighbours to check if he was there,” he continues to explain looking Kress and Köhler straight into their faces, “also, I had gone to his workplace and other spots I assumed he might have gone to after I figured out that something must be wrong, because my partner doesn’t usually leave like that without telling me where he’s off to – that’s why I got worried in the first place and called my uncle for help. Because we’re very close and he’s also Levi’s doctor, knows him well, and we both came to the conclusion he might have gone somewhere familiar – and we were right.”

“So you knew the park would be a potential place for your boyfriend to go to?”

“That’s why we searched it, yes. I just wish I had thought of that earlier, then all of this could have been prevented but… I was in distress and worried and…” Erwin sighs. “I just didn’t think of it quickly enough, and I hate myself for that.”

Köhler nods, exchanges a look with his female colleague. Then, he begins asking Levi questions again. They are rather mundane, just the sort Erwin predicted they would ask at some point. Where Levi works, where he is from, if he was born in Germany or has foreign roots, if there have been any disputes with any people from his job or private life, which Levi denies. They also ask Erwin if he could think of anyone wanting to hurt his boyfriend, but the blond shakes his head.

_“They will want to find out what you and the other victims have possibly in common, see whether the attacks might have a racist background or if someone close to you might have done it.” _

Once Köhler is done with his questionnaire, and Levi is feeling as if he’s run a marathon, he fishes out a small card with his official contact information, handing it to Levi as well as Erwin.

“If your memory comes back or you can think of anything that might help us, be sure to contact us, Mr. Ackerman,” Köhler says. “Good day and get well soon, we’ll be in touch and let you know as soon as we find out something,” are his parting words, before he shakes hands with both Levi and Erwin – and then the officers leave.

And as the door closes directly after their departure, Levi releases a breath he didn’t even know he was holding, and his whole body begins to tremble.

“My pretty, magnificent, sweet boy,” Erwin coos, as he’s getting up from the chair immediately, giving Levi the most wonderful smile ever as he glides graciously onto the mattress to put his arm around his shaking lover, pressing a kiss onto Levi’s temple; and what the blond says next, makes pleasurable shivers run down Levi’s spine in his pulse quicken in a beautiful way, despite his form still quivering, “you have done so, so well, little one. I am so, so proud of you, Levi. _You did so well, darling._”

A whine escapes Levi’s mouth, as all of the stress is departing from his body, the tension leaving his muscles, his suddenly limp body crumpling to lean fully against Erwin’s sturdy form. Erwin, who holds him, caresses him, whispers words of love against the raven’s skin, promises of a fine future together, murmurs the most alluring praises against his hair, making Levi blush eventually, making him feel giddy as the anxiety fully leaves his body, making room for feelings of giddiness, making Levi feel light and as if a horde of butterflies was unleashed in his belly. 

Erwin’s proud of him. _And it’s the most wonderful feeling of this world_. 

Levi’s made sure not to put himself in danger of being send off to the closed ward, didn’t drag Jonathan and Kliemer more into his mess than he already had, protected uncle Darius from more bothersome questioning. _Just like Erwin told him_. 

He’s happy, even a little bit proud of himself, and the way Erwin’s smiling at him, whenever their eyes lock – it’s freaking perfect. And the way Erwin strokes his shoulder and back, the way he leans toward him to breathe gentle kisses onto his skin – it’s freaking perfect. The way the man continues to murmur his words of utter praise, calling Levi the love of his life and his good little boy – it’s freaking perfect.

Everything’s perfect again.

Erwin’s alive, his right arm is fine, history not going to repeat itself.

_Everything’s perfect again_.

Erwin tells him that Mike, Nanaba, Moblit and Hange all miss him a lot and want to come and visit, and when Levi feels terrible because he knows he must have caused Erwin’s best friend a lot of stress – since Mike was the one watching over him when he disappeared, and the first to search for him, as his boyfriend informs him – the blond reassures him that all is fine and Mike actually feels a lot worse than Levi because of the things he said to him. “He regrets it very much,” Erwin tells him, placing another soft kiss onto Levi’s temple, “but please don’t be mad at him, Levi. He was totally stressed out by the news of my accident, and when Mike’s stressed, he says really hurtful and cruel things he doesn’t really mean. It’s his coping mechanism. He really likes you a lot, and you know that, don’t you, darling, and you like him too, don’t you?”

Levi nods, smiling faintly, thinking of the bearded giant who’s always had a soft core; in this life and in the other. “Yeah…” he rasps, “Mike is nice. A-a-and I’m not… angry.”

Erwin smiles and holds Levi closer, _and everything’s perfect again_.

If it wasn’t for his bladder, almost killing him and making Levi realise that he has to face the most uncomfortable issues at hand. He was going to address the matter anyhow, just before the cops came. They just pushed the ordeal further back, didn’t turn it obsolete. Because there is nothing Levi would keep from his man, because he doesn’t lie, _not to Erwin_. He just wishes he wouldn’t have to start the conversation the way he does, but nature’s calling and he can’t ignore it. No matter how hard he wishes for it.

“E-Erwin,” Levi mutters, after the man breathes another kiss onto his crown.

“Yes?”

“I... I... need to, um... to... I need to...” Usually it wouldn’t have been a problem for Levi to express the need for the loo, ask Erwin to please let go of him so he can take a leak. But usually he’d be _walking_ to a separate room to do that behind closed doors and not be dependent on someone basically bringing the toilet _to_ him.

“What do you need, baby?” Erwin asks and Levi’s frustrated because he was hoping Erwin would just _know_, but how the hell does Levi expect his man to just know? Erwin cannot read his mind, can he? And this isn’t an ordinary situation they are in, is it?

“I need to... I need to p-pee...” Levi finally blurts out the words, staring at the blanket covering his body.

“Okay,” is all Erwin says in an even, non-judgmental voice, moving to slide off the bed, pushing the nurse-call button of the bed control panel next, giving Levi a small smile, and the raven’s asking himself if Erwin actually has _any_ idea how Levi has to take care of this situation right now.

_Erwin does_.

Because the moment there’s a knock on the door and Damian enters, he’s the one who speaks for Levi. _Like he always does_. “Could you please bring my partner the urinal?” he asks, and Damian, shooting his dark-haired patient a quick look, smiles and nods, and does what he is asked to do.

Erwin even intercepts the male nurse at the door, letting Damian hand him over the weird-looking plastic container. “I’ll take care of it for the rest of the day,” he tells Damian, “after all, I will be the one taking care of him at home, so I might as well start now, right?” he adds in this charming Smith-way, sounding lightly amused and like a man any guy would wanna be buddies with.

“Sure, Mr. Smith,” Damian responds, offering Levi a smile, who is fiddling with the blanket covering his lower body, because he is so tense again, “if you need me to explain anything to you, just call me, all right?”

“Thank you,” says the blond, still in the same pleasant manner as before, “and please call me Erwin.”

Damian smiles again – and then he leaves, and Levi swallows as Erwin’s approaching the bed. Because this is... embarrassing. And his throat is tight as Erwin is coming nearer, the urinal in his hand, setting it to the side so that he can grab the duvet, pull it down, lay Levi’s lower body, his broken legs bare. Then, his fingers reach out to pull up his gown and he’s looking at Levi’s crotch, covered by the transparent panties, and Levi grows even more nervous.

It’s not about Erwin seeing him naked, the blond’s seen his body a thousand times, has touched it a thousand times, kissed it a thousand times, _penetrated_ it a thousand times.

It’s about—

“Can you get rid of the briefs by yourself or do you need me to help you with that too?” he asks, and Levi swallows, and he cannot look Erwin in the eyes and— “Levi…” Erwin murmurs his name softly, sitting down on the mattress, “are you… Are you embarrassed?” Levi swallows again. And then he nods. He nods so heavily it’s almost making him feel dizzy. And Erwin… Erwin chuckles. Tenderly, lightly, shortly. “Oh, Levi…” he croons, cupping Levi’s face and making the raven look at him. The blond’s smiling so mildly at Levi, it does funny things to him as he takes in the beauty of his boyfriend’s face. “I have seen you pee so often already, silly,” Erwin mutters.

It’s true. But…

“…so what’s the problem, darling? Tell me…” Erwin’s thumb keeps brushing over his cheeks on a comforting manner.

Levi’s lips begin to quiver slightly, as the cooler air caresses his naked skin and he tries to steady his thoughts and get his feelings that are all over the place under control, because even is he feels embarrassed and uncomfortable, the desire to please Erwin and do exactly as he tells him is bigger. So much bigger. Especially after all the praising after the tough questioning by the police officers that had Levi’s skin crawling the whole time.

“It’s… it’s different,” he finally says.

“How is it different?”

“C-cause… It’s different when… when I p-pee in the bathroom while you do something else, it’s… there’s a toilet, a-and it f-flushes d-down, and here… um, here you… you’re gonna s-see it all and… and you have to take it away and—“

“And?” Erwin asks calmly. “I really don’t see the problem, Levi.”

Again, Levi has to swallow, his cheeks feelings as if they were burning, he is so sure he’s blushing, because— Because peeing is just the tip of the iceberg, really. Because if it was only about that, it would only be half as bad as it is and— Damn, Levi’s bladder is killing him, and he winces. 

Erwin sighs.

“Come on, honey,” he coaxes, grabbing the urinal, “pull those briefs down for me, okay?”

…and Levi does, taking his dick out, while Erwin positions the plastic container between his legs, lets Levi insert his sex, and then—

“I can go and stand by the window, if you want some privacy,” Erwin suggests in a calm fashion, but by then it’s already too late, and Levi’s cheeks are as red as the wine Erwin likes to drink so much, because he’s already in the process of filling up that urinal, because he’d been holding it in too long and too hard, and watching the yellowish liquid flood the plastic container, the distinct smell of urine infiltrating his nose, makes him feel… _totally embarrassed_.

“See, this wasn’t so bad, was it?” Erwin murmurs softly, removing the device, carrying it over to the bathroom, obviously to clean it, and Levi tucks himself away, as much as it’s possible with those transparent briefs, and he’s pulling the duvet back up, but as soon as Erwin re-enters the room – without the plastic container in his hand – he grabs it and pulls it off his body again. “I brought you some of your clothes,” he explains, before he reaches for the gown and pulls it off of Levi’s body, “I’ll clean you and then I will put some fresh clothes onto you,” Erwin announces, smiling softly when Levi dares to look up to him, his cheeks still feeling as if set on fire. 

It doesn’t get better. 

Especially because Erwin takes his time to clean him with the sponge he had Damian bring him again, being so, so close to Levi, making goosebumps erupt all over the man’s pale skin, touching as much of it as he possibly can, sliding the transparent briefs gently and slowly down Levi’s legs, making sure not to hurt him, to take extra time to clean Levi’s crotch, making Levi feel even more embarrassed because his dick is responding to the stimulation, growing semi-hard at the touch when there’s nothing really arousing about the situation. 

Erwin doesn’t comment on it. But he also doesn’t move the sponge away, continues to move it up and down Levi’s length. Until the cock framed by dark curly hair is fully hard. And only _then_ Erwin stops, dipping the sponge in the water to move it back up along Levi’s abdomen and chest. “All right,” he murmurs after quite some time has passed and he has dried Levi’s body with a cloth, and Levi’s almost grown soft again. “Let me dress you.”

Levi assists in this process, because after all he is the one with two unbroken arms, pulling the light sweater Erwin’s chosen for him over his head, also helping Erwin in pulling up a pair of loose boxer briefs and shorts over his legs which are still hurting lightly despite all the pain killers he swallows, especially when he moves. But it feels so good to be ridden of the hospital gown, having his own garments on his skin, _something familiar_. 

Erwin smiles, and Levi’s stomach rumbles – reminding him of the _other_ issue; and Erwin picks up on Levi’s discomfort immediately.

“What’s wrong?” he asks again, sitting back down on the mattress, facing his lover.

Levi clears his throat, his gaze roaming the room before settling back on Erwin, who is smiling lightly at Levi, his hand resting on the raven’s, caressing his knuckles with his fingers like he did when the police officers questioned Levi, calming his boy, reassuring him, making him feel supported. Because Erwin always has Levi’s back. That’s why Levi feels so bad about not being able to tell Erwin what is wrong with him without feeling so embarrassed, that’s why he feels so bad for hesitating. He should be able to confide in his man, not by shy, but he can’t help it. And it makes him feel so terrible.

“Um,” he starts, searching for the appropriate words, fingers digging into the blanket and sheets. “I… I can’t…” the allegedly new-found strength leaves him and another wave of anxiety hits him instead. 

“Baby…” Erwin murmurs and cups his boy’s cheek, “breathe. Breathe with me.” Levi does – because he always follows Erwin’s requests. Always _will_, never again straying. Never. Because look at what he’s gotten himself into by making his own decisions… “Good, baby boy, good,” Erwin praises when the raven’s calmed down again in a soothing tone. “Now. Tell me: What’s on your mind? And don’t lie to me.”

“No!” it escapes Levi’s mouth immediately, eyes locking with Erwin’s, “I’ll never lie to you again, Erwin. _Never_.”

The blond man smiles softly. “Good. So now tell me, little one… What’s the matter?”

“I… I can’t… I can’t m-move on my own and s-stand… and…”

“…yes… I know,” Erwin coaxes, fingers drawing soft lines and circles onto Levi’s lower arm.

“…a-and you s-saw th-that… I can’t… E-Erwin… I can’t…” Levi clears his throat again, his gaze once again roaming the room, not settling on anything in particular. And then at one moment, something happens inside of him, and he just lets it out, because it’s driving him nuts, and there is no way around it anyway, and Levi knows, he knows. Erwin wants him to tell him, and this is what he _has_ to do. It’s as simple as that. No matter how he feels about this. He has to, because Erwin says so. “I can’t go on to… I can’t go to the toilet on my own…”

“I know, sweetie,” Erwin immediately coos. “I’ll help you, just the way I did today. That was fine, wasn’t it?” And that cuts straight to the chase, making Levi remember the embarrassment he felt when he peed into the plastic container under Erwin’s watchful eyes. 

The dark-haired licks his dry lips and swallows, also trying to wet his equally dry throat. “B-But…. But…”

“But what, Levi?” Erwin asks in an extremely tender and calm tone, so obviously trying to encourage his boy to continue, to finally give his man the actual answer.

Levi closes his eyes briefly before he musters up the final courage to let it out again, _completely_. “…but what if I-I have to do s-something e-else than j-just p-peeing…”

“Then I’ll help you too,” Erwin responds in the same fashion – and without any hesitation. And Levi has no idea how he’s supposed to feel about it.

“…but… _how_?” he breathes out. “Y-you c-can’t c-carry me to the… bathroom and sit me down…” he adds, his voice still merely a breathy whisper.

“Obviously not, honey,” Erwin says, his voice still so tender, and he’s smiling so delicately when Levi dares to briefly look at his man – and Levi still doesn’t know how to feel about it and if Erwin knows what he is actually saying, what helping his boy with his useless legs actually means and—

_Erwin knows_.

Oh God, he knows.

The smile remaining on those gracious and soft lips, Erwin continues to talk soothingly to his bedridden boyfriend. “But what I _can_ do is what Damian has _already done_ for you,” the blond says, “we can use a bedpan, because even though I can only use one arm, we have the advantage of you being able to use _both_ and aid me when I take care of you this way. Even though Dr Schneider did recommend for us to use diapers when you get home, until you’ll be able to stand on your own using an aid. It’s safer and overall easier as well as more comfortable according to him, and I think I agree. But we’ll figure out what works best for us, okay?”

Levi listens to his man’s words, and he… and he… And Levi feels terrified and loved at the same time, and he has no idea why, his inner world thrown into a state of cosmic chaos, happy and sad emotions clashing like waves against rocks, making his ears ring a little, making him feel slightly confused.

“Honey…” Erwin purrs, scooting closer, his big thigh pressing further against Levi’s slender body, the massive hand moving to rest against Levi’s warm throat, “please… Please don’t be embarrassed,” Erwin breathes out, “I know this must feel… uncomfortable for you, but trust me: it really doesn’t have to, and for me it isn’t uncomfortable _at all_. I’m your boyfriend, and it’s my duty to take care of you, in any situation that you might be, and I really don’t have a problem to be a nurse for you, baby. I just want to help you, make you feel and get better. You need me Levi and I will do anything to _be_ there for you. Anything.”

“But… but… oh God…” is all that Levi manages to utter when his mind reveals to him what Erwin’s actually saying; that he’s gonna assist him in carrying out this nasty business, that he’s gonna dispose of his bodily waste and that he’s gonna wipe him and—

“Levi, this is absolutely normal and nothing to be ashamed of,” Erwin continues to murmur, his thumb stroking tenderly over Levi’s larynx, “my sweet baby boy, why are you so afraid?”

“I-I’m not a-afraid… I’m… I’m ashamed…” Levi whispers and he’s glad that Erwin pulls him against his chest, so that he can bury his face against it, breathe in his man’s calming scent, close his eyes, escape those beautiful blue eyes and their intense gaze, while not escaping Erwin but getting to be closer to his saviour, his lover, his partner and commander. 

“My poor baby…” Erwin hums, breathing a loud kiss onto Levi’s temple, to press his face against his boy’s head next, cradling him, and Levi’s arms wrap around Erwin, fingers digging into the fabric of the man’s shirt covering his shoulders, and he takes a deep breath, holding back his new-forming tears because he is so shaken up. “Levi, you really don’t have to be ashamed of anything. Especially not in front of me. No one knows you better than I do. No one has ever been this close to you as I am. Not even your mother. Aren’t I right?” 

Levi nods, eyes still firmly closed, face nuzzling Erwin’s chest, and the blond places another gentle kiss onto his crown, because it’s true: their connection is a strong bond, not comparable to any other. Even if they aren’t related by blood, their bound together. By a much stronger force. Levi knows it, feels it. It’s in his veins, and he’s never opened up to anybody else the way he has to Erwin, so quickly, so much, so thoroughly. No one had ever cared about him as much as Erwin does. No one. It’s true; not even his mother. _At least not the one of this life…_

“We’re family, you and I,” Erwin continues to murmur in this velvety tone of his, calming, soothing, appeasing, “I have already seen everything you have to offer. I know your body inside out, Levi. There’s _nothing_ to be ashamed of, sweetheart. Nothing. I mean, think about it, darling,” he says, his big hand gliding tenderly over Levi’s back, his warm breath caressing his boy’s scalp, “I wash you so many times down there, baby. Don’t I?”

“Uh-huh…” Levi nods, pressing his lips together. 

“And you let me. Don’t you?”

Levi nods again.

“And is it bad when I wash you down there?”

Levi shakes his head.

“Levi, I’ve cleaned your backside so often, I wouldn’t be even able to count it if anybody asked me. I see your sweet hole almost every day, don’t I, darling?”

Levi swallows thickly – then nods again, a blush spreading over his cheeks still pressed against Erwin’s manly chest.

“I push my fingers into your asshole so often, I lick it, fuck it with my tongue and cock,” the man continues to purr, and shivers run down Levi’s spine, “and do you really think I don’t know what this beautiful hole and channel are actually made for, darling?” Levi’s throat goes tight and he bites his bottom lip while Erwin continues to stroke his back. “There is nothing for you to be ashamed of, my sweet darling boy. So you will set aside your childish shame – and you will let me help you, Levi. You don’t have a choice, my sweet prince.”

And Erwin’s right: He doesn’t. _Because Erwin said so_. 

And this chain of thought… it sets Levi free. Because even if he cannot stop feeling ashamed and embarrassed, he just accepts his fate. Because that’s what Erwin told him to do. And Levi always does what his commander tells him to do. Always. And never again will he stray, because he needs Erwin’s guidance, his rules, his orders – and thus, he releases a big breath, all the air kept in his lungs, and his fingers dig deeper into Erwin’s shirt, he skin underneath, and the raven-haired sighs, nodding. “…I… I u-understand…” he murmurs, earning the most beautiful, appreciating hum from his man.

“That’s my boy…”

Erwin holds Levi for a long time, lets the boy tremble and shake in his tight embrace – as tight as it can be when he’s only using one arm. The right one, still intact, still there, because this isn’t the Survey Corps and there are no titans around, because Erwin is a professor and not a commander, doesn’t have to face the possibility of death every day, and Levi listens intently to his heartbeat and his man’s pacifying words. “Breathe, darling, that’s it, breathe… _good boy_.”

Accepting his fate, dictated by Erwin, feels terrific, once Levi’s fully calmed down and taken his meds, administered by his man, who’s offering him a smile, another tender kiss and soft caress, more praising words for having been so brave during the visit of the police, and Levi feels good, nice, happy, proud, so relieved and content. He feels safe. Erwin makes him feel safe, and to obtain this feeling all Levi has to do is follow the man’s words. And he will. 

He does.

And even though the moment in which his bowels force him to follow nature’s call later that day and Erwin has Damian walk him through and show him how to properly handle a bedpan, also teaching Levi how to help in order not to risk his legs getting hurt, he endures it, calling for Erwin to re-enter the rooms when he’s done and cleaned himself with the provided paper, holding his breath when the man uses a wet cloth to wipe him again and then takes the filled bedpan to empty it in the bathroom; Levi hears the toilet being flushed and the tap water running for a short while before Erwin comes back to him, offering him another beautiful smile, no sign of disgust or uneasiness on that handsome face to be found.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it, huh?” he murmurs before cleaning Levi’s hands with a fresh sponge. And Levi nods. “Perfect,” he praises, “from now on, I will handle this while I’m here. We don’t need to bother Damian or any other nurse anymore. I’m the one who will be taking care of you, okay?” Levi nods again.

They _do_ need Damian’s help again though concerning a different matter, and of course the nurse complies, is eager to assist, because this task Erwin cannot perform on his own. And so it’s Damian who helps Levi into a wheelchair in the evening, pushing him into the bathroom and then carrying him to sit on the stool under the shower, applying a waterproof cast cover on each of Levi’s broken limbs.

“There you are,” he says when he’s done, offering Levi a smile.

“Thank you,” says Erwin instead of his boy, “I’ll take care of the rest.”

“You sure, Mr Smith?”

Erwin smiles. “I believe I told you to call me Erwin.”

Damian huffs out a laugh. “Oh shit, sorry, I forgot, _Erwin_. You sure you don’t need my assistance?”

“I’m sure,” the blond says, “as I told you before: I’m gonna be the one who will have to take care of Levi anyhow, so I want to start as soon as possible. If I struggle, I will just call for you, okay?”

“You do that, Erwin.”

“Thanks man, I appreciate it,” the blond responds, smiling yet again – and then Damian leaves.

Erwin does in fact manage on his own, only has Levi help him a tiny bit as he undresses him, until the raven’s fully nude and shivering slightly because the air around him seems cool now that he hasn’t got any clothes on. It all gets better though when Erwin grabs the hose and has Levi turn on the warm water, rinsing his whole form with it, his hair. But that’s all the raven is allowed to assist in, Erwin telling him to just relax while he grabs the lavender soap he’s brought from home and lathers his whole body – and Erwin’s fingers on his moist body feel warm, familiar, calming, nice. And Levi gasps, his eyes shooting open in surprise when Erwin, who squatting down in front of him, suddenly puts the soap away and grabs Levi’s semi-hard length, beginning to… starting to stroke it.

“I told you to relax, darling,” he purrs, and Levi can’t fight it, neither Erwin’s words nor his own libido. His body reacts again just like it has done during the sponge bath, and his knuckles are white when he’s holding onto the stool he’s sitting on, his whole body flinching and trembling, his head thrown back in ecstasy as he climaxes and receives his wonderful praise. “_Good boy_.”

And then the true period of Levi’s recovery begins.

He has physical therapy, meant to increase the strength of his arms, because he’ll be needing them to move from the bed to the wheelchair for instance while he cannot put pressure onto his legs, stand on them, says the doctor and the nurses who bring him into the room for the sessions. Erwin is always by his side, making comfortable and nice conversations with the trainers, and they all love him. Also, because he always brings nice snacks with him that he shares, little chocolates and candies of high quality. 

Levi gets his favourites too, when he’s behaved well, when he didn’t cry, managing to suppress the frustrations about being such a big burden to Erwin, the man telling him over and over again that this isn’t true.

Mike and Nanaba come to visit, bringing a home-prepared lunch with them, really nice sandwiches with the cheese Levi likes so much and really sweet cherry tomatoes, and Mike apologizes to Levi for all the things he’s said, and he sounds and looks so sincere, it warms up Levi’s heart, who in turn apologizes over and over again for running away and acting the way he acted, not listening to the man when he told him about Erwin. They take Levi out for a walk, Mike being the one who’s pushing the wheelchair, being quiet while Erwin and Nanaba converse about trivial matters – and it calms Levi down.

Hange and Moblit come too, bringing pizza and Levi’s favourite ice cream, just as Erwin asked them to do, because – as he’s only told Levi – they need to celebrate; because Levi’s talk with the head psychiatrist of the clinic went so well. Uncle Darius told them after talking to the man, praising Levi for doing exactly what he and Erwin told him to say or rather not to say, making the man of Zackly’s age state that Levi isn’t suicidal and not suffering from any hallucinations, making it official that he can go home eventually and remain in uncle Darius’ care.

A few weeks pass, maybe two, maybe three, in which Erwin almost comes over to stay with him every day because he is still on his sick leave due to his own injuries, only sometimes sending Zackly or Mike or Hange to fill in when he cannot be there himself because of an appointment at his doctor or some other business he has to attend. And Levi cries when he sees Hange alone for the first time, because he still feels horrible about having attacked his friend in his delusional state, Erwin told him everything; but Hange just smiles and shakes their head, telling Levi that it’s fine, that he shouldn’t worry about it and that they have already forgotten the whole deal.

And then finally, the day he’s been looking forward to this whole time comes: Levi is released from the hospital. 

Erwin’s brought him flowers – again – and he’s all in smiles. Mike is there too, to help, to drive them home, and Erwin’s praising his boy for being able to manoeuvre himself from the wheelchair onto one of the back seats of Mike’s jeep after Erwin’s handled all the paperwork at the hospital and they finally leave the building.

Levi’s cuddling with George and Erwin holds his hand for the whole ride while he’s talking to Mike about being able to work from home, giving his lectures via skype and managing other seminars via an e-learning platform of the university, so he can stay home even longer; to recover, but also take care of Levi, and Mike says he can help out in the evenings as well as on the weekends and Nanaba is always able to switch her shifts if Erwin needs her, and the blond is grateful, and so is Levi, and he cannot wait to finally _be home_ again.

The moment the door opens and Mike wheels him with George in his lap inside, is… it’s magical, and tears start to gather in his eyes, because he was so sure he’d never see this house again, never take in this familiar scent again, carrying so many beautiful memories; and now suddenly being here again, in reality and not only his dreams, being here to stay forever, is just… It’s just so overwhelming, and he sniffles, after Mike lifts him out of the wheelchair and places him onto the sofa, the teddy bear right next to him, bidding his goodbyes and shutting the door behind him, leaving Erwin and Levi alone in their beautiful nest.

Erwin slowly walks over to the couch. “Baby…” he coos, sinking down to his knees, right between Levi’s broken legs, his right hand resting on Levi’s thigh, the broken one put in a delicate sling to immobilize it better, while Levi wipes away the few tears he’s shed. The blond looks straight into Levi’s eyes, smiling softly. “_Welcome home_,” he whispers – and then Levi gasps, because it’s not more of his tears that emerge, but Erwin’s. They trickle down his cleanly shaven cheek. And before Levi is able to form a coherent thought, Erwin buries his face in Levi’s chest, wrapping his arm around his waist tightly, holding on to his dear boy. And a heart-breaking sob escapes the blond man’s throat.

Erwin cries and Levi is paralyzed. Because even though he has seen Erwin being worried about him, even slightly panicking and hurt because of him – he has never seen Erwin cry because of him. And it hurts. So, so fucking much.

It takes a while for Erwin to calm down, and Levi’s heart is still thudding fiercly when the man looks up at him, his long fingers twisting the fabric of his boy’s sweater.

“I was so scared, Levi,” he whispers with a broken voice, and it hurts Levi _even more_, “I was so fucking, fucking scared that I’d never see you again…” Erwin moves up, still remaining on his knees, straightens his upper body, so that he can press his forehead against Levi’s, his hand gliding into his neck, holding him firmly. “I was so, so fucking scared, Levi…” he repeats almost breathlessly and his voice cracks, and he sniffles – and Levi feels as if someone was ripping his insides apart, because it hurts so much to see Erwin like this, and he only now fully understands just how much agony he has caused his man to feel.

“I’m… I’m _so, so sorry_, Erwin…” he breathes out, his fingers imitating Erwin’s, gripping his shirt desperately, trembling. “I’m so fucking sorry, Erwin…”

And then Erwin backs away slightly so that he can look into Levi’s eyes, and he says something that makes Levi’s blood run cold. “How can I ever trust you again, darling?” A shiver ripples down Levi’s spine and spreads across the whole of his body. “You promised me all those years ago that you wouldn’t run away – but you did, Levi. You did. And you almost got yourself killed. How am I going to _ever_ trust you again?” he repeats, and Levi’s eyes fill with fresh and thick and horrible tears. Because Erwin’s right. He always is. And he’s saying the truth: Levi kicked Erwin’s trust with his feet. It’s the most horrific form of betrayal. 

_Oh God_.

“I… I don’t know, E-Erwin, I… I don’t know, fuck, I’m… I’m so sorry, Erwin…!” Levi nearly wails, the salty tears flowing down his face right into Erwin’s palm cuppings his cheek now, the man staring at him with glassy eyes and moist skin, his beautiful lips trembling ever so slightly. “I’m so sorry I betrayed you, your trust… I’m… I’m so sorry I didn’t keep my word,” Levi mumbles. When has he ever? When has he ever kept his promise? He’s just a stupid fuck. A stupid fucking piece of shit. He’s not worthy. And he understands. He stabbed Erwin in the back, didn’t listen to him even though this is what they agreed on: Erwin makes the decisions, Levi follows. What on earth had he been thinking? WHAT ON EARTH HAD HE BEEN THINKING?! Reckless, selfish, incapable bastard. 

He deserves this. This pain of having lost all of Erwin’s trust. He deserves it. Erwin cannot trust him. He’s damaged their bond. He deserves all the hurt he can get. And so much more.

“You… _You need to punish me, Erwin_,” Levi breathes out, sniffling.

“Oh, baby…” Erwin sighs, his lips gliding into an ever so sad smile, his tone full of compassion, “you have already received my punishment…” he breathes out, his hand wandering down to Levi’s broken leg, the cast replaced by removable light splints, fingers stroking the accessible skin carefully, while Erwin’s blue eyes are piercing Levi’s, and the raven’s heart starts beating ferociously in his chest, and his mind is spinning out of control, his pulse and breath quickening, his throat tightening, until his brain finds what it had been looking for this whole time, a memory from the first time he ran away, a talk similar to this one, both of them back in the confines of their safe home; and Erwin’s dark, velvety voice from back then resonates in his head:

_“Sweetheart, if you ever run away like that again… I will break both of your legs and lock you up.” _

…and Levi sobs.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you guys, I really wanna thank you for all the comments on the previous chapter. I still haven't answered all of you, but I will. Just know that I appreciated every feedback I have received from you :-) I hope you're going to enjoy this update that answers... SOME of your questions.

**Art made by D'oki, https://twitter.com/Eruvin_Smisu**

The tears are making it impossible for Levi to see, obscuring his vision, and his throat hurts, as if someone was choking him or wounding his windpipe from in the inside with a blade, and his mind is racing like crazy. Because… can this really be? Is this truly what Levi is thinking? Is he sane enough to understand? Has Erwin…?

_Has Erwin truly made his threat from the past come true? Has he—?_

“Breathe, baby. Breathe…” the man whispers, his hand wandering back up onto Levi’s throat, warm fingers burning Levi’s skin where they touch him, “breathe…” Erwin repeats, his voice not more than a cracked whisper, pressing his forehead back against Levi’s, who sniffles, tears still blurring his vision, his heart still thrumming wickedly in his chest, his fingers practically clawing into Erwin’s shirt and the skin beneath it now. “Breathe…” And Levi tries, he tries so hard – but his mind is spinning so fast, it’s totally out of control, and he’s trying to steady it, grasp one of the million thoughts twirling inside of the mental tornado that seems to be ripping his brain and heart apart, and he fails. Levi fails. Like he always does. “Listen to me,” Erwin’s deep and steady voice cuts through all the uproar and the man’s chest seems to be vibrating under Levi’s palms, “listen to my voice, Levi – _and calm down_; breathe, Levi,” the voice of the commander instructs – and stops everything: the thunder and the whistling, the concoction of distorted voices resonating in Levi’s head, the howling and the indistinct rustling.

_The fear and terror trying to break through all the layers. _

“Inhale – exhale, Levi: _inhale… exhale_… breathe, baby boy, _breathe_…”  
And Levi does.

Because his commander tells him to.

Because Erwin knows best.

Because Levi listens to Erwin. _Always_.

Because Erwin makes the decisions.

Only Erwin.

_Back then, now and for all the times to follow_.

“…good… you’re doing perfect, Levi…” the commander whispers, his big hand kneading the tense muscles of his neck, his forehead still pressed against Levi’s, who has closed his eyes in order to be able to focus on Erwin’s voice better, “good, Levi… breathe, darling… _good_…”

Everything is quiet now. So beautifully quiet. Quiet and peaceful and…

“Breathe, Levi…” the commander repeats and Levi does, focussing on taking air in until his lungs are so full it almost hurts, to then release all of it slowly through his mouth back into the room. “Again,” Erwin orders gently, and Levi complies.

Inhale. Exhale.  
Inhale… Exhale…

The long fingers he’s known all his life glide into Levi’s hair, caress what has once been an undercut and desperately needs trimming again, while a deep sigh leaves Erwin’s throat. “Oh, darling…” he murmurs, and sympathy as well as something different flows in his tone. Something that Levi cannot define at first; until he does.

_It’s pain_.

“I was so scared I was going to lose you forever,” Erwin tells him one more time after a while of silence. A while that could have been two seconds, that could have been five minutes or even a quarter of an hour. And then Erwin breaks the connection of their foreheads, sinking completely back down onto the floor, his hand sliding south, moving across Levi’s neck, down his shoulders and spine, to his hip, gripping it firmly while he pushes his damp forehead against Levi’s flat stomach and Levi’s hands slump down to rest on either side of his body. “I was so scared and worried, Levi…” he mutters, and Levi can feel the man’s hot breath piercing his skin through his sweater.

And for a second there it is again: The notion of fear, an injection of terror coming from somewhere deep within his core, gripping Levi’s whole organism, making his blood run cold, making his chest constrict, a shiver creep up and down his back, his heart beat tumultuously and his blood course quicker through his veins.

_But Erwin’s voice chases it away_.

Erwin, who leans back to sit on his heels, his hand floating along Levi’s body to move back onto his thin thigh, his lips stretched into an honest yet fragile smile; he looks up at him with those big blue eyes that are full of… they’re full of love and adoration despite the sadness residing in them. And they glisten, shimmer. Just like they did on that fateful day in Shiganshina, when Erwin looked at him just like this, when Levi was kneeling in front of his commander, when they had their final conversation, when Levi made his promise.

_“Levi, thank you.” _

And for what?

“You know I’d _never_ hurt you, if I didn’t _have_ to, Levi,” Erwin says, sounding so soft and tender, and Levi swallows, trying to wet his dry throat, some more tears trickling down his cheek, his chest filled with pain, his hands shaking slightly as nervousness seems to be slowly gripping his senses, his body, flooding every vein of it, his fingernails scraping over the upholstery of the couch. _Nervousness_ and something else Levi cannot define. “You know how much I _despise_ hurting you, Levi,” Erwin continues in a painful tone, not breaking eye-contact, his blue sapphires still sparkling, and Levi shudders. “_But I didn’t have a choice_,” Erwin clarifies, his voice almost a whisper, his fingers drawing slow circles on his boy’s thigh. The blond swallows audibly before he goes on. “You know I always keep my word, and… I have to. Especially with you, baby: I need to be consequential, _consistent_, because if I’m not…” his voice trails off and Levi holds his breath as he witnesses tears to be reborn in Erwin’s beautiful, blue, glassy eyes. “_Levi_,” he utters his name in a shaky voice, sounding so weak and tormented that it nearly breaks Levi’s heart.

Because he knows this tone.  
He’s heard it so often.  
Whenever Erwin doubted his goals, his decisions, called himself a monster in their past life, spoke of his punishment in hell, the souls of his fallen soldiers awaiting their cruel commander to torture him for eternity.

“If I didn’t keep my word I would be risking your life,” Erwin speaks out, “and I can’t do that. I don’t _want_ to do that,” he emphasises. “Levi, you had me worried for your safety the first time you ran away. And now look what happened: you _really_ almost died. You almost _killed_ yourself, love. And for what reason?!” Erwin’s voice trails off again, and for a few seconds he even breaks their eye contact, sniffles, his fingers stopping their movement, digging into Levi’s thigh a bit harshly, while Erwin’s pressing his lips together; stifling a sob, Levi’s sure. And his heart aches so much upon this realisation and he’s…

Levi’s so confused and agitated and—

“I _had_ to have your legs broken, I _had_ to keep my word and make my warning come true. Because if I didn’t, I’d be risking having you not take this seriously enough. I’d be risking having you run away _again_, and… _I can’t do this another time, Levi_,” Erwin breathes out, looking back into Levi’s eyes – and the blond man looks so broken, so hurt, so shaken, that— “I am so scared of losing you, Levi. I am so fucking scared of you ending your life over nothing,” he stresses, his lips quivering slightly – and Erwin looks so vulnerable in this moment. _Just like he did moments before his death_. “All I want is to protect you, I’ve told you so many times, Levi,” he says. “And if I have to break your legs in order to keep you safe from yourself, prevent you from hurting yourself… then that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. No matter how much it actually hurts me, no matter how much I endanger myself, and no matter how much this is going to haunt me for the rest my life. As long as I have you with me, as long as you’re breathing, Levi, I will endure it, do _anything_ for you. Because I love you with all my being. I cannot and will not _ever_ be without you, Levi. _I’ll be yours forever_.”

As those words leave his man’s body, something happens inside of the raven.

Levi doesn’t hear anything. Doesn’t feel anything. He doesn’t see anything, his vision going white for a split second, as if he was being blinded by a bright light.

_And then it all crashes down on him_.

Like a tsunami, wiping everything out, bringing death and destruction. And suddenly, Levi knows exactly what the feeling is that he is experiencing alongside his nervousness.

It’s guilt.

Raw, utter, naked and severe _guilt. _

Because only now he _truly_ realizes just what he has done. Only now the real impact of his decision hits him. Only now he understands the massive agony he’s pushed Erwin into, the deed he’s forced Erwin to fulfil.

_It’s all his fault_.

He’s brought this upon himself. He’s brought this upon Erwin. Upon them. Scarring his boyfriend for life by forcing him to hurt Levi in such a way when this is what Erwin hates doing the most.

_He’s terrible_.

He betrayed Erwin. Backstabbed him. Didn’t listen to him. Ignored his man’s instructions. He made his own decisions, neglected the fact that this was and is forbidden territory, dismissed that he’d handed the power over to Erwin, had vowed to never take it back again –_ another promise broken horrendously_.

Levi disobeyed. And he sobs.

“I’m so sorry…” he chokes out as the salty waters cover his face anew. “I’m… _so, so sorry, Erwin_…” and he wants to reach for this angelic face so badly right now, but he’s scared. Levi’s scared that Erwin’s angry and will not let him touch him. Because why should he? Erwin’s right to not trust Levi anymore. He’s right to be angry with him.

He fucked it all up.

And Erwin’s absolutely right to have punished him the way he did, making his words from the past become a painful reality. And Levi knows, Erwin’s told him so many times and Levi knows this: Everything Erwin does to and for him, is only to help Levi. He knows. And he feels so fucking sorry for having made Erwin do this, for giving him no choice, forcing him to the deed.

“Levi...” Erwin’s tender voice calls out to him, and a surprised sob escapes the raven’s mouth, makes him cover it with his hand, staring at his man like a deer caught in the headlights, because he feels so torn inside.

Guilty, ashamed and angry as well as scared. Because how is he ever going to earn Erwin’s trust back? After all that he’s done? How is he ever going to make it all right again?

“Levi...” Erwin whispers, reaching out for one of his hands, his fingers wrapping carefully around his wrist to lead it to his mouth, his plump lips breathing the most tender kiss onto his knuckles. And that’s when all those feelings raging inside of Levi’s chest overwhelm him as he realises that Erwin allows him to touch him.

_“Erwin...!”_

The painful exclamation is nothing but a desperate whine as both of Levi’s hands reach out for his man, frame his beautiful face as he’s leaning forward, their noses almost touching, eyes locking together, and Erwin’s lips are parted slightly, and he still looks so fragile and vulnerable, reminding Levi of his lover’s expressions in Shinganshina so much, that it’s nearly breaking Levi’s heart all over again.

“I’m so fucking sorry...” Levi huffs out through clenched teeth. “I’m so fucking sorry...”

“I know, my sweet baby boy,” Erwin breathes out, “I know...” The man leans forward slowly, tilting his head, and a shiver runs down Levi’s spine when Erwin presses his lips lightly onto his, kissing Levi in such a tender way, it makes him almost melt. If it wasn’t for his overall emotional state, the guilt pressing down on his organs as if it was a physical force, tightening its dark arms around Levi’s neck, choking him.

“Can you... Can you forgive me, Erwin?” Levi whispers when their mouths part and the blond’s leaning back down again, looking up at Levi, his hand resting on his boy’s warm throat.

He looks pained and sad, apologetic as well as compassionate. And what he says makes Levi’s blood run cold yet again and desperation yank at his heart. “I can’t, Levi...” Erwin breathes out. “_Not yet_.”

His man’s words drain the strength out of Levi’s body and his hands fall onto the blond man’s shoulders, another sob pushing itself up his throat.

What did he expect? That Erwin would just shrug it away? Forget about his disobedience? Punish him and then just move on as if his betrayal had never happened? What the fuck did Levi expect?! And yet...

“I need your forgiveness, Erwin...” he hears himself whispering out into the void, his voice cracked and broken, weak, uttering a desperate request from this life, from the other. One that cannot be met.

“I _want_ to forgive you, Levi,” Erwin coos, hand moving up to cup and caress his cheek, “I really do, darling. But I can’t give it to you just yet. You will need to prove yourself worthy of my forgiveness, Levi,” he says and the raven sobs, his fingers digging into Erwin’s flesh. “You will need to prove yourself worthy of my _trust_.”

And Levi nods, even if it hurts. Because he understands. He really does. Erwin’s right. As Always. But just how is Levi—

“You need to be a good boy for your daddy,” Erwin suddenly whispers, answering the unspoken enquiry, “can you do that, love?”

Levi’s nodding again, so many different emotions welling in his chest, so many thoughts twisting inside of his mind like snakes crawling and twirling around one another, fear, desperation and longing mixing into a strong cocktail, topped off with willingness and eagerness, a craving to please and obey – because this is what Levi does, what he is supposed to do, the only way his life can be fulfilled. _Levi knows_.

“…and _how_ will you do that, darling?” Erwin wants to know, fingers grazing slightly over Levi’s cheek.

The raven-haired swallows.

He has no idea.

_Because Erwin needs to tell him_.

“I’ll do… I’ll do anything you tell me to do, Erwin.”

At that, the blond’s beautiful lips curl into a soft smile. One that makes Levi’s skin bristle with goosebumps, the pleasurable kind. One that makes his body smoulder with heat. Because it’s so pure and pretty, and such a positive signal from his man.

“That’s right, my sweet baby boy,” the blond god purrs, hand moving back to Levi’s throat, thumb once again gliding slowly over his larynx, and Levi is fulfilled with such an overwhelming amount of happiness by Erwin’s confirming words, his heart nearly bursts, “and why, little one?”

“…because… because you know what’s best for me… _Commander_.”

Erwin blinks, crooking a brow. “Huh…” he tuts, and Levi’s heart starts racing, because… where— what— how—

“Commander…” Erwin repeats, his hand stilling on Levi’s throat. And then, Erwin sighs, and everything inside of Levi freezes, because he isn’t supposed to be talking about the other life, he is to focus on this life, their life, reality; and instead of gratification, he is, without a doubt, aiming for angering Erwin even further, and what the fuck— “Fine,” Erwin sighs, “if this is what helps you focus and calm down, call me whatever you want, Levi. I’ll be your commander, if you need me to. I told you: I’ll do _anything_ for you.”

The grip of the invisible hand around Levi’s heart lessens, and tranquillity as well as fondness fill his chest instead. “E-E-Erwin…” he stammers, looking his man straight into the eyes, those beautiful, blue sapphires – only surpassed in bloom by Erwin’s tender smile he is offering his boy so generously.

“Sweet darling,” Erwin murmurs, his voice an alluring melody, one that immediately captivates Levi, makes him listen to it as if the blond man was a snake charmer, “tell me again: Why do you do what I tell you to do?”

And immediately all of the cogs on Levi’s head seem to find their final position, as if also touched by magic, and he knows exactly what to say, how to respond; because facts are facts, unalterable and set in stone, _the truth._ “Because you’re always right. And that’s why you make all of the decisions.”

“And why _else_ do I make all of the decisions, little one…?” Erwin breathes out his next question.

“...because you’re my commander, and I am not… I’m not of a sane mind. I make poor decisions. Very poor decisions.”

“Absolutely,” Erwin agrees, nodding faintly, his smile still tender, “very, very poor decisions, Levi.”

“I… I shouldn’t have run away. _I was wrong_,” it pours out of Levi’s mouth.

“You _were_, love. You were,” Erwin agrees, “I hope you’ve learned your lesson, pretty thing.”

“I did. Oh God, I swear, I did, Erwin.”

“Well…” Erwin coos, “we’ll see if that’s the case.”

“It is!” Levi reassures, and Erwin all but sighs, still smiling.

“I really hope so, Levi. I really want to trust you again, and forgive you…”

“I’ll work hard, I’ll be good, I’ll be good, Erwin!” Levi promises eagerly – and he really wants to prove everybody wrong, wants to prove that he _can_ keep a promise. And he will. Because he needs Erwin’s forgiveness. He needs his commander’s trust, because trust has always been the most important part of their relationship. The ground, the core, the essence. In this life, in their old life, in any other life probably.

“I love you, my darling,” Erwin whispers, rising back up again on his knees, to press his lips slowly and gently on to Levi’s, “I love you so much, Levi…” he whispers, after he claims his boy’s mouth again.

“…oh god, I love you too,” Levi whispers back, tears once again welling in his eyes, because he is so, so happy, and so, so desperate, and so, so relieved at the same time; relieved that Erwin’s giving him another chance, after all that he’s done to him, after all he’s put Erwin through and—

“You will take your meds now and then you will nap, boy,” Erwin announces in a gentle fashion, “do you understand your commander?”

Levi nods. “Y-yes, Sir,” it escapes his mouth before he can think about it, and Erwin’s grinning lightly.

“I kinda like _that_,” he remarks, getting up to his feet, pressing a chaste kiss onto Levi’s forehead in the process.

Levi starts being a good boy straightaway, doing as his commander tells him to do, taking the pills Erwin provides him with, also that big new one, opening his mouth willingly to show his man that he managed to swallow each and every one, earning a loving praise when Erwin ruffles his hair.

And whatever the blond has given him: it’s working fast. Making Levi feel drowsy and sleepy and light-headed. Everything around him becomes fuzzy, as if covered in a light mist, making him think of early morning rides outside the walls, making him think of fairy tales his new mother had read out to him, making him think of… nothing in the end. Because there suddenly is nothing, only the darkness that embraces him.

And it’s more than just a nap.

It’s a deep and dreamless slumber.

And when Levi opens his eyes again, his consciousness needing a few seconds to activate, he witnesses sunrise looking through one of the windows – and that surprises him. Because they came home in the late afternoon, meaning that Levi must have slept for more than twelve hours.

He blinks, moves his head to the side and only then registers that for one, he’s still on the couch, for two, George is serving as pillow for him, and for three, Erwin, having pulled the sofa out into a full-size bed, is lying right next to him, sleeping. And he remembers, what they’d discussed before leaving the hospital. That they would temporarily ‘move’ downstairs, sleep on their sleeper sofa or the beanbag, because Erwin has no means of getting his boy upstairs if there is no one to carry him.

There is one more thing Levi realizes as all of this information seeping into his brain has turned him fully awake: Erwin’s changed his clothes while he was sleeping – and he’s also put him into… Levi’s heart begins to hammer in his chest and the hairs on the back of his neck are standing up as he begins to understand what he is wearing.

_Erwin’s put him into diapers_.

Just like had discussed, even with the doc present, advising them to do just _that_.

Levi’s lifting up the blanket as well as the hem of his grey pyjama bottoms to take a look, and no, he wasn’t wrong. He’s _definitely_ wearing diapers and… And he’s horrified, because it seems that…

“Are you okay, darling?” Erwin’s sleepy voice catches his attention, makes him look to the side again, right into his man’s face, who is propping himself up on his elbow, bending forward to press a light kiss onto Levi’s temple. “Did you sleep well?”

And Levi cannot answer as he is so horrified. Because…

“…Levi…?” Erwin breathes out his name, his low voice carrying slight concern. And all the noirette can do is swallow dryly, his eyes roaming over the blanket he’s still holding on to, avoiding Erwin’s gaze. But his man isn’t haven’t that. Of course he isn’t, and Levi’s feeling his hand on his chin as Erwin’s gently lifting his head up until Levi’s meeting his eyes again. “You will tell me what is wrong with you, _right now_, boy,” he says, his tone a tiny bit sterner than before, _commanding_, and Levi can’t help but answer, even though he feels embarrassed and ashamed and uncomfortable; _even though he shouldn’t_.

“I think, I…” he starts, licking over his lips, pointing south, swallowing again. “Th-they need to be changed. I-I-I w-wet myself…”

“All right, no problem, honey,” Erwin answers immediately, gently, “the doc said that was very likely to happen with the sleeping pill I gave you,” he explains, already getting up, offering Levi a warm smile. “But you really needed to the rest. A lot. Did you sleep well, baby?” he asks while uncovering Levi’s body.

“I… I did…”

“Perfect,” Erwin says, “then I’m very glad I gave you that sleeping pill. I’ll be right back, okay?”

“…okay…”

Levi hears the tap in running in their downstairs bathroom, and when Erwin re-enters the living room, he’s in the middle of putting on disposable gloves.

“Did you dream about anything?” he engages Levi in a conversation.

“N-no…” the raven responds, using George to cover his face as Erwin undoes the adhesive tapes – because he just cannot look at his man getting rid of… _those things_, gently rolling Levi to the side in the process, wiping his limp dick with a wet cloth, before pulling the pyjama bottoms back up, all the while talking about his lovely dream about him and Levi going for a summer walk, getting some ice cream.

“You don’t need to be ashamed, honey…” he coos afterwards, gently pulling the teddy bear from Levi’s face, and when the raven opens his eyes and looks at his man, the blond offers him another very gentle smile. “Didn’t I tell you that you don’t need to be ashamed in front of me, baby boy…?”

“You… you did…”

“And didn’t we agree on you doing what I tell you to do?”

“…we did.”

“Then that is what I expect you to do, honey. I’m your commander after all, right?”

“…yes…”

Erwin’s looming over him, both hands placed to either side of Levi’s fragile body, and the blond man’s face is coming impossibly closer to Levi’s. He can feel Erwin’s breath grazing over his lips. “Then listen to me, Levi,” the blond whispers, “do what I tell you to do. And everything will be fine.”

And Levi believes Erwin. He wants to believe him. And he really wants to do what Erwin instructs him with. But he cannot shake the shame gripping his body whenever his man assists him with relieving himself. They use the diapers at night and when Erwin leaves for a little while, when he walks to the local bakery for instance to fetch them fresh buns for breakfast, or when they travel to the nearby clinic for their physical therapy, and the urinal and bedpan for the rest of the time; and it’s so hard _not_ being ashamed.

It’s also so hard _not_ to look at how Erwin’s transforming their house, making the second part of his much needed punishment come true – _locking Levi up_.

“I need to make sure there is so path for you to run away once you’ll be able to walk again, darling,” he whispers tenderly into Levi’s ear when they’re both sitting on the couch and Levi’s holding onto George just as much as Erwin’s holding onto him, his big arm wrapped around the noirette’s tender form, nimble fingers caressing his shoulder, both of them watching the handyman installing lockable handles on each of the windows of the house’s ground floor. “You understand that, don’t you?” Levi nods, observing the big man in his 50s exchange the last handle on the window facing the street. “I’m so afraid of you losing it again, Levi. Thinking I might die if you stay with me… and I know you told me you’ll be a good boy and never disobey me again. _But I can’t trust you yet_, sweetheart. Not after what you’ve done,” he breathes against Levi’s throat, and Erwin’s words hurt, so much; because they are the truth, and Levi understands. He really does. And he wants Erwin to trust him so much, it’s almost killing him.

But Levi gets it.

That’s why he understands why Erwin has another handyman coming in just a few days later to install a smart security system at their home, cameras at their doors, inside and outside, one in their living room, the halls, the kitchen, and some rooms upstairs Levi has no access to at the moment. He shows him when the guy setting it all up leaves, how he can monitor the inside of their home using his smartphone and tablet, how Erwin will be able to watch over Levi even if he is away. “I will always be able to see you,” he murmurs, switching to every room on his device, a satisfied smile gracing his lips. “This way I can relax a bit more when you’re home alone. You know I hate being separated from you,” he continues, putting the phone away and laying them down on the big bed-space, supporting Levi’s form with his unbroken arm, rubbing their heads together, George serving as their pillow.

Levi nods.

“I… I don’t like being separated from you either…” the raven-haired mumbles. Because it’s the truth.

“At least now I won’t have to drive myself nuts when I’m gone,” Erwin tells him, “because I can always check on you.”

Levi nods again.

“You know that it’s all to protect you. From yourself. Don’t you, darling?” the blond whispers.

Levi nods a third time.

_He knows. He understands. He gets it_.

He fucked up really bad. He hurt Erwin so much. He made his man worry tons. He broke one of their most crucial rules. He endangered his own life and thus, _Erwin’s_. Because his man cannot be without him. He knows – and yet he still did it. Believing in his fucked up reasoning that has nothing to do with logic.

Levi shouldn’t think. He’s never been much of a strategist anyway. Levi follows orders. _Erwin’s_ orders. Because Erwin always has, and always _does_ know best.

“Are you really sorry for what you did, Levi?” the blond asks him one night while they’re cuddling on the beanbag, just a few days before Christmas Eve, the small tree decorated with Nanaba’s help being the only source of light on the living room, and Levi nods.

“Terribly,” he reassures his man.

“Do you understand why I had to do what I did to you?”

“A-absolutely,” the raven agrees, eyes closed, breathing in his man’s calming scent.

“And you know that you may _never_ speak about it to anyone. Don’t you?”

Levi opens his eyes again, looking into Erwin’s orbs. “Yes,” he tells his commander, “I do, Erwin. I won’t tell anyone.”

_Because he knows. He understands. Levi gets it_.

If anyone, the police, find out what Erwin’s done, he might go to jail. And then Levi will be on his own. And when he’s on his own, he will go crazy, and they will put him back into the ward, because then there won’t be anything uncle Darius will be able to do about it, and when he’s in the closed ward, they won’t let him out for a long time, and then when Erwin gets out of jail, Levi won’t be able to see him, and he’s gonna die in there, all alone, and Erwin will be all alone too and hurt and—

“Breathe, Levi…” Erwin mumbles, pressing his lips tenderly onto his cheek. “Breathe, baby boy. Everything will be fine. Okay? You need to trust me. Do you trust me, Levi?”

“Yes, oh God, yes, Erwin…” Levi chokes out, both of his fingers digging into Erwin’s chest.

And yet…

_And yet the fear and terror come at night_.

Levi dreams of the attack.

He dreams of Erwin’s face turning into a reddish colour of anger, his big, bushy eyebrows pulling into what resembles the letter V, his blue eyes glowing in a dark shade under them, his forehead wrinkling in contempt, and how he’s swinging the baseball bat, all of his muscles contracting, both of his fingers wrapped tightly around the heavy wood, veins standing out at the back of his hands as he whacks the bat against Levi’s legs and shatters his bones and—

“Darling, wake up!” Erwin’s urgent voice shakes him from his nightmare. There’s sweat on his forehead and cheeks as Levi startles awake and sits up, his legs hurting at the sudden movement, and he’s panting, his heart beating like crazy, as if he’d just completed a marathon. “Hey… baby boy… relax,” Erwin whispers, his big hand caressing Levi’s moist back, “it’s just a nightmare, Levi… You’re okay, you’re fine. You’re with me and you safe.”

_But is he really?_ – a voice from somewhere deep within whispers to him, makes Levi snap his head around, look at Erwin’s and—

And the man is looking at him so gently, his eyes a beautiful shade of the ocean Erwin had talked about so often in their previous life, waters he never had the chance of laying his eyes on, his gorgeous lips stretched into an ever so soft and tender smile, looking absolutely stunning and calm at the same time, his whole being exuding nothing but tenderness and peace and—

“You won’t hurt me, will you?” Levi hears himself whisper, as if it wasn’t him who’s steering his mouth.

Erwin blinks. “No, never, Levi,” he then whispers, cupping his boyfriend’s face with his large hand. “You know I _never_ lay a finger on you, if I don’t _have_ to. Never. Seeing you hurt… being the one who’s hurting you is the _worst_ for me, darling,” he adds, pressing his forehead against Levi’s.

And Erwin’s right. Physical punishment is a rarity. Only delivered by Erwin when Levi really fucks up. When he really needs to be put back into his place. When he acts out.

_When he makes a decision_.

But that’s never going to happen again. Never.

_But Levi cannot get the image of Erwin’s angry face out of his mind, how he swings the baseball bat and—_

He blinks. Something’s not adding up.

He’s thinking about his dream, how he saw use Erwin both of his hands to swing the bat and… _and that’s not possible_.

“H-how… how did you…?” he stammers, and Erwin lets go of his face, leans back a little to be able to look deep into Levi’s eyes.

“How did I do what, Levi?” he asks calms, his fingers stroking down his arm to come to rest on his hand.

Levi swallows, trying to wet his dry throat. “How did you… break my legs… w-with j-just one—“

“I didn’t break your legs,” Erwin says – and cuts Levi off whose mouth remains open, confusion setting in and rendering him useless. Did he… _did he misunderstand?_ But— “I told you I had to _have_ your legs broken.”

“…wh-what…?” Levi stammers, because his brain is still on overload from his night terror and he doesn’t really understand what Erwin is saying.

The man’s smiling at him sadly. Then, Erwin sighs lightly. “I paid someone to do it,” he then explains, “I can’t break your legs with just one hand, Levi. And besides… I would never be able to do it… It would… _I hate hurting you, Levi_,” he breathes out, hiding his face in his large hand, and Levi’s heart throbs when he hears Erwin take in a deep, shaky breath, probably produced while trying… while trying to hold back the tears. “God,” he then huffs out, looking back into his boy’s face who is gripping the blanket tightly, “I hate hurting you so much, Levi…”

Levi feels awful. He feels so awful for making Erwin remember that night, but…

“Why… why are you asking me about this?” Erwin suddenly enquires. “Did you… Were you dreaming about the attack?”

Levi nods, pressing his lips tightly together, because the images of that nightmare flash across his mind; and they hurt, and they’re scary and they do something to him, something he doesn’t like and—

“I… I dreamed it was you, Erwin… I dreamed about your… y-you’re angry face and how you—“

“I paid a little thug to do it,” Erwin continues calmly, his big hand slowly moving towards Levi’s hand, encasing it gently, and Levi does not flinch, does not say anything, because he is so focussed on Erwin’s words, _suppressing the memory of being hired to kill Erwin_. “I told you: I would never be able to use this kind of violence personally against you, even if my arm wasn’t broken. I needed somebody else to deliver the blow, and I found a guy, a drug addict, willing to do anything for a little bit of money to get his next fix. He’s the one who broke your legs. At my command.”

Erwin’s fingers are stroking the back of Levi’s hand, tenderly, slowly, carefully, and the man looks him deep into the eyes, as it’s Levi’s turn to take in a deep and shaky breath, trying to remain calm in order to continue this conversation.

_Because a part of him needs to know_.

“A-and… And…”

“I hired him directly after you ran away,” Erwin discloses, “and when I knew where you were, in your old neighbourhood, I found out about the unsolved attacks on homeless people and I figured… it would be a good cover, and we could have it done in the park.”

“…how did… How did you know I was in the park that night…?”

“I had the man follow you from Jonathan’s flat,” Erwin states calmly, and Levi swallows, remembering how he almost ran over some guy when he fled the apartment complex – _was that him…?_ “And also… I knew it would be a place you might seek out. Because no one knows you as good as I do, Levi… And I am so sorry you have to suffer so much now, darling, but… _But you know I had no other choice, don’t you?_” Erwin asks, looking Levi deep into the eyes when he does so.

There are so many different emotions welling inside of Levi’s chest, he cannot even define one. Or maybe he can. “Is… is this man… _a threat_?” he whispers out into the semi-darkness of the living room, his heart starting to beat faster, thoughts wandering back to the two police officers who interviewed him, his skin beginning to crawl. “Is he… can he… Did he…?”

Erwin smiles and he cups Levi’s cheek. “I risked my own safety for yours, yes,” he then admits, “but you don’t need to worry, honey. I found him on the web, in a safe space, and we only communicated via a throwaway phone afterwards. He doesn’t have our address or our names, and even if he did: it would be the word of a desperate man on drugs versus mine… And the police would definitely believe me, Levi. You know that.”

Levi’s brain is working on overload. And then suddenly, there’s another thing he needs to know. “Uncle Darius…”

“He knows,” Erwin immediately responds, “he knows everything.” A cool shiver runs down Levi’s spine even though he doesn’t really understand why. “Uncle Darius understands,” Erwin continues in calm voice, beginning to thread his fingers through Levi’s hair, “after all, he knows your history, your case, your mental state. And he agrees with me: I need to keep you safe. No matter how drastic my measure of helping you might be. No matter what it costs.”

There’s a big lump forming in Levi’s throat as he hears this, and he’s feeling… Levi is feeling so guilty, so ashamed, so hurt and broken and embarrassed because of what he’s done to Erwin, what his behaviour, his reckless panic and disobedience has forced his man to do. Putting himself in so much danger as well… And that’s the last thing Levi wants.

Levi needs Erwin to be safe. Alive. Breathing. Happy.

“Darling, it’s okay. You’re okay. We’re okay. Do you hear me?”

Levi nods. He’s nodding while some tears trickle down his cheeks, and Erwin holds him, gets him George so Levi can grab the teddy bear as tightly as he needs to hold on to something right now. He makes him a herbal tea, and strokes his back while Levi drinks it, murmuring calming words, soothing words, promises of everything being fine, of how they will enjoy the Christmas festivities at their cosy home, how they will celebrate Levi’s birthday with lovely food and lots of wonderful movies, snuggled up on the beanbag with no one to disturb them, how they are actually gonna do that on Christmas Eve, too, and Levi relaxes. He relaxes, forgets about the dream, and he rejoices when Erwin kisses him tenderly, whispering declarations of love and devotion against his mouth and…

_The terrors come back at night_ – but Erwin’s there for Levi. Holding him, caressing him, whispering into his ear that he’d never voluntarily hurt him, that all he wants for Levi is to be safe, for Levi to be happy, for Levi to be with him, so that both of these things can become reality, because Erwin loves him so much.

_And Levi knows. He understands. Levi gets it_.

And he’s truly looking forward to Christmas, even looking forward to Mike and Nanaba swinging by in the afternoon of Christmas Eve with the grocery shopping for Erwin and Levi for the holidays – because all of Erwin’s friends have been helping them out all this time, and Levi’s so fucking grateful. Happy and grateful. And he’s even the one to wheel himself to the door to open it, after asking Erwin if that would be all right, and when does – he freezes.

Because it’s not Mike and Nanaba. It’s Konrad Smith and his wife Angela. Erwin’s father and his new wife, and they are each holding a huge sort of picnic basket in their hand, which can only mean one thing…

“Surprise!” Angela nearly yells, and then pouts, squatting down in front of Levi, placing her hand onto his thigh, “you poor darling!” she exclaims. “How are you, Levi?” She asks, _as if she’d really care_.

“Father… What on earth…?!” Erwin gasps, and Angela immediately jumps onto her feet.

“Erwin-honey, how are you? How is your arm? I am so sorry about what happened to both of you! A tragedy! And since you two lovebirds couldn’t come and spend this important day with us at _our_ place, we just brought the party here!” she announces, prancing through the living room towards the kitchen. “Be a darling, Erwin, and help me with the food. I didn’t know what to bring so I just packed everything – you just need to tell me where to put it and where you keep your pans and pots and I’ll prepare everything, okay?” the female who put on way too much make-up and perfume blabbers, putting her hand onto Erwin’s back and leading the very confused and utterly angry man to the stove, and Levi’s nervous. Because Erwin’s not pleased and he remembers what his man once told his father – that he would throw them out, if they just showed up like that, and Levi’s asking himself, if Erwin will also make _those_ words come true and—

“Levi,” Konrad Smith addresses him and the raven-haired looks up at the man who is sort of his father-in-law. Just then, Konrad squats down in front of him – and the look on his face is a serious one. He opens his mouth, but no sound comes out. Then, Konrad Smith glances in the direction of the kitchen, where Angela is still talking to Erwin without giving the man even a chance to respond to anything that woman says, before looking right back at the raven. “Levi,” the man with greyish hair says his name again, and there’s something urgent in his voice. “Levi…” he repeats a third time, pointing to his broken legs – and what he says next, makes Levi’s blood run cold. _“Did Erwin do this to you?”_


	14. Chapter 14

Levi’s heart is beating so fast and harshly in his chest, it almost physically hurts him and his ears are ringing. His throat is dry and going tight, as if someone was choking him, and it’s as if he can feel the sweat immediately forming on his palms as his hands grip the armrests of the wheelchair, holding onto them as if it were for dear life itself – because there are a million thoughts racing through his mind and Levi feels as if almost being sucked into a vortex, and it’s immediately overwhelming him; and Konrad’s sharp blue eyes are piercing him just as Erwin’s always do and it’s confusing and—

“Dad,” Erwin’s stern voice cuts through the air and makes both men turn their heads to look at him. Erwin’s eyes are fixated on Levi as he approaches, taking big steps, exuding dominance and power, the energy of the commander he once used to be, and a shiver runs down Levi’s spine as he looks into the more familiar set of blue eyes, the bushy brows above them furrowed – but then Erwin’s whole facial expression softens, and he lays his hand on Levi’s shoulder, bending down to press a kiss onto Levi’s temple. “You’re scaring him, father,” he then tells Konrad a little calmer, who gets up and straightens his jacket, clearing his throat.

“I was merely saying hello,” the old man... _lies_, and it’s another shock for Levi, because Papa Smith doesn’t lie. He’s kind and patient and nice and lovely. Not a liar. Or so Levi thought.

Erwin scoffs, but does not elaborate – and Levi’s asking himself whether his man _heard_. Whether Erwin _heard_ what his father’s just asked Levi.

_“Did Erwin do this to you?” _

A very cold shiver runs down Levi’s spine, littering his skin with goosebumps, and all of his feelings and thoughts are caught in another storm, his pulse quickening, while his mind is throwing so many questions at Levi, each detonating like a grenade.

_How on earth does Erwin’s dad know?  
Why is he asking Levi this right now?  
And what does he want to do with this information? _

Levi swallows thickly and Erwin’s big hand moves from his shoulder to his neck, his man’s fingers burning his flesh like a piece of charcoal. And there it is _again_: The feeling of dread and terror gripping at Levi’s insides, his throat – but the sensation fades as soon as Erwin speaks to him. As soon as Levi hears his superior’s melodic voice, Erwin’s breath caressing his skin as the man leans back down towards him.

“Honey,” the commander says in this syrupy tone that lulls Levi in immediately and makes him think about the literal sweet substance, “Angela needs help peeling potatoes. You think you can help her? I will be by your side the whole time,” he continues, leaning even closer, his lips touching Levi’s ear as he whispers into it so that his father cannot hear, “so don’t worry about that witch asking you bullshit questions. I’ll stop her right away, and if it gets really bad, we’ll just burn her at the stake – _or in the oven_,” Erwin adds in an amused tone, and when Levi looks into his eyes, the blond gives him a wink, which makes Levi even smile a little, making him remember how they have just watched an animated version of “Hänsel und Gretel” where the evil witch does, indeed, find her end in the oven she’d used for cooking children. _A fair punishment_.

“S-sure...” he says and his answer makes Erwin’s smile broaden – but when his man, using his unbroken arm, assists him in turning the wheelchair around, Levi’s glance falls on Konrad, and the expression on the old man’s face, disappearing as soon as he registers Levi looking at him, is... _It’s something Levi hasn’t seen before_. A mixture of fear and anger, a concoction of terror and sadness. And then... And then Konrad just _smiles_ and Erwin’s pushing Levi towards the kitchen, and Levi can’t calm his thoughts down.

_How on earth does Konrad know?  
Why is he asking?  
What does he want?_

Angela is beaming when they enter the kitchen and Erwin helps Levi position himself at the table. “So lovely for you to help me!” the woman chirps, and Levi cannot say anything. Because being around Erwin’s father’s wife makes him feel antsy and stressed, and right now he is already feeling on edge and that woman’s presence is making it so much worse that his hands are shaking when he starts peeling the potatoes and Angela asks him: “You poor thing, how are you actually feeling?”

Levi is grateful that Erwin answers instead of him, steering Angela’s attention away from the raven. “He’s doing better,” he says, opening the oven for Angela so she can place the already-made turkey inside to reheat it, “but it will take a lot of time before he will be healed completely. We are taking baby steps. The next one will be for Levi to try standing up using aids, but that’s not gonna happen until in a few weeks, the doctor says.”

Angela starts asking Erwin about the attack, if the police have caught the criminals – and Levi’s throat goes tight once again, his hands now shaking even more than before. Blood rushes in his ears and he doesn’t even catch half of Erwin’s response, the murmur of his man’s voice turning into a ringing when Konrad suddenly enters the kitchen and lays his eyes on Levi, looking at his son’s partner with caution in his blue orbs, making Levi’s skin crawl.

_What does Konrad want? How does he know? _

The man’s gaze makes Levi feel so nervous, his whole body seems to be forgetting how to function, the feeling of dread and terror numbing almost everything, making his mind spin and his heart thrum in a wicked and panicked rhythm.

“Ow!” he suddenly gasps as the knife cuts into his flesh and clutters onto the table just as the potato does, falling off the surface and rolling down the kitchen floor.

Erwin’s immediately by his side, rushing over before anyone else can even _move_. “Oh baby, what have you done?” he breathes out, grasping Levi’s hand and looking at the blood trickling down his palm from the wound on his thumb that Levi is staring at as well. “We need to disinfect it and then wrap it up. It isn’t deep, so you’ll be fine, darling,” Erwin tells him in a calm and gentle tone. It also has something commanding to it. “Angela,” he says his sort-of stepmother’s name, “get the first aid kit for me. It’s in the bathroom on this floor in the cupboard underneath the sink.”

“O-of course!” the woman gasps, immediately running off to carry out to do what the commander told her.

Levi’s staring at his bleeding thumb, at Erwin’s fingers wrapped around his hand, stroking him lightly, his man purring soothing words to him, that everything is fine and he shouldn’t worry. Konrad keeps staring at him as well, and then Angela comes rushing back in, her eyes immediately resting on him, too – and Levi feels so stupid and useless. Because he can’t even manage to peel fucking potatoes without fucking it up, without causing trouble for his man, can he?

“I-I’m sorry,” he murmurs, and Erwin kisses his temple.

“It’s okay, it’s nothing, Levi,” his man answers, offering a smile before he turns to Angela. “Can you do it for me?” he asks her courtly and she nods, and as much as Levi hates that woman being close to him, even touching him right now, cleaning up his blood, Levi knows he must endure it, because it’s easier for Angela to do it, who can use two of her arms while his man can use only one right now.

But Konrad’s gaze resting on him is making all of his hairs stand up and so difficult for Levi to relax.

“There,” Angela says once she is done, smiling at Levi, before she gathers up the supplies to carry them back to where they belong. Erwin crouches down next to Levi, making his boy look at him. The blond is smiling, taking Levi’s hand into his and leading it to his lips to give it a tender kiss, making a rush of warmth spread through Levi’s chest. Erwin’s mouth opens – but at that exact moment the doorbell rings, and the blond man freezes. And then he remembers.

“Oh shit,” he curses getting back up to his feet, “I totally forgot about Mike and Nanaba!” But Erwin doesn’t move his body immediately, doesn’t start walking out of the kitchen. He hesitates. And when Levi watches his man exchange an intense look with his father – who looks at his son in a way Levi cannot put into words – a horrible shiver travels down the raven’s spine.

Because there’s a palpable tension in the room. Levi can almost grasp it with his hands.

The doorbell rings again, making his man grunt. He shoots Levi another glance – one that the noirette cannot place. He just knows that his heart is beating even faster now, heavier, stronger, and what happens next nearly makes it break right out of his chest. Because Konrad Smith rushes over to Levi, nearly _jumps_ in his direction as soon as his son has reluctantly left the kitchen to answer the door.

“Levi!” the old man whisper-hisses, his voice a wave of urgency and concern as he takes up Erwin’s former position, squatting down next to Levi, looking him directly into the eyes, making the raven-haired tense up immediately, making him freeze. “Levi,” he says again, sort of panicked now, glancing over to the kitchen door, listening to the sounds coming from the front of the house, Erwin’s friendly voice mixed with Nanaba’s and Mike’s. Then, the man’s attention turns, or rather snaps back to Levi – and the raven freezes all over again. “Has Erwin done this to you?” Konrad Smith repeats his question. “Did he break your legs, Levi?”

And that’s the moment _Levi_ begins to panic, his head throbbing, his chest constricting heavily, the insides of his stomach turning and making him feel nauseous, his hands shaking, the blood rushing in his ears, his mind spinning almost out of control now – while those familiar blue eyes seem to be burning holes into his skull. And for the first time Levi is glad to see Angela, walking into the kitchen in her usual, over-the-top fake cheerful mood, as Erwin refers to it, carrying a bag of supplies, blabbering something about how Erwin’s friends are such amazing and helpful people – and just moments later Mike and Nanaba enter the kitchen and Papa Smith, all in smiles again, gets up to greet them.

Erwin walks in when Konrad is hugging Mike and clapping the giant’s back amicably, and Levi nearly whines out of relief, his man’s eyes immediately resting upon him. The blond goes back over to his boy, placing his hand on his shoulder to give it a squeeze – a reassuring one, calming and supporting. One that tells Levi: _Everything’s going to be fine_.

But just how can it be when Levi is _so_ on edge? When his heart is pounding _so_ brutally? When his breath is _so_ agitated?

The kitchen is full and everyone is talking, smiling, laughing, moving about, snorting – even Konrad. As if nothing happened.

_ “Did he break your legs, Levi?”_ The questions keeps reverberating in his mind, making him feel uneasy.

The raven’s throat is terribly dry and his head is swimming. Levi only realizes Nanaba’s asked him a question, when Erwin speaks right into his ear. “Baby, Nanaba wants to know how you are...” he says gently, and when Levi looks up, Mike’s partner is smiling at him, standing close, and everybody else is silent, looking at him as well, and that takes Levi’s breath away – and not in a good way. Because he starts feeling as if the walls are closing in on him, and before he knows it, he’s shaking.

_It’s too much_.

Erwin’s hand is back on his shoulder immediately. “Do you want Mike to carry you to the beanbag?” he asks and Levi’s nodding, closing his eyes when the giant complies and lifts him out of the wheelchair. Erwin follows, murmuring to everyone else to please give his boy some space, and Levi’s grateful.

The blond provides him with George, and having that familiar stuffed toy in his arms, his most favourite pillow replacement, is already helping Levi to calm down. _A little_. He holds the bear close as Erwin covers him with a blanket, Mike having already gone back to the kitchen. “Take a nap,” the commander says, carding his fingers through Levi’s dark hair, and the raven manages to give his man a little nod before pressing his face against George’s belly, who still carries Erwin’s scent. The man always renews it. Cuddles Levi while also holding the teddy bear close to his body. And so Levi inhales deeply, the calming and familiar fragrance filling his nostrils immediately, calming his nerves, bringing him down. Also, Erwin’s hand continues to thread through his black strands, caressing his scalp. “You’re fine, darling,” he mumbles, “you’re good. Everything’s all right.” And it feels so good, Levi’s almost purring.

But then he whines, when he feels Erwin’s hand retracting – _because it’s not enough yet_. He needs more.

_Levi needs more of Erwin to feel better_.

The man chuckles lightly, complying, threading his fingers through Levi’s hair again, continuing to whisper to him. “Everything is okay, I’m here for you, Levi. I’ll always be there for you. I’ll help you, you’re fine. You’re okay, Levi. I won’t let anyone hurt you, baby…”

_Because the only person allowed to hurt Levi is Erwin_.

This thought keeps replaying in the back of Levi’s mind when he actually dozes off, or _almost_. It’s like he’s caught in between reality and the dream world, his body feeling like a heavy stone – he can’t move because somehow he is asleep, yet he still manages to register some of the things going on around him, like Mika and Nanaba leaving soon after Erwin gets up from the beanbag to walk back into the kitchen, because Levi’s somehow awake, too. He doesn’t know for how long he’s trapped in this weird state, at times witnessing more of the reality around him, hearing Angela’s fake and annoying laughter or Konrad’s voice for instance, at times less, while he feels as if he was flying through the underground using the stolen gear with Isabel’s and Farlan’s laughter coming from somewhere behind him. It’s all so strange, and Levi has no idea in which world he actually wants to be in right now.

His body decides for him, his eyes suddenly opening because pain shoots through his leg as he has moved it in a weird way, almost twisting it. “…fuck…” it pours in a hoarse whisper from Levi’s mouth, hurting his throat, as he tries to rearrange himself on the beanbag. And then, the voices that his brain has up till now registered as merely a murmur coming from somewhere far, turn louder, and Levi actually _understands_ the words Erwin and his father are exchanging.

It’s a hushed conversation and Levi needs a minute to actually focus on it completely and locate their whereabouts: Both Smiths are sitting at the dining table at the other end of the room, and what Levi can tell looking at them from here, neither of them looks happy. Konrad’s wearing that weird look on his face again, seeming like a mixture of concern, panic and… and indignation. And Erwin… A shiver travels down Levi’s spine as he’s looking at his man, the big, blond eyebrows furrowed, the blue eyes seeming to have darkened, his mouth twisted in a sinister expression, anger contorting around his words.

“Father,” Erwin seethes between clenched teeth, “that’s enough!”

And then Levi begins to shake as he fully takes in what Konrad, leaning over the table, his hands gripping the hard wood, throws back at his son. “Erwin, you don’t want to do this, you can’t keep him here, you’ve done enough. This isn’t right,” Konrad hisses, sounding just as much resentful as pleading, “Son, you need to stop this. This whole relationship with this man is wrong,” Papa Smith continues. And then, Levi’s blood runs arctic-cold as Konrad says: “You hurt him, Erwin. _Didn’t you?_”

That’s also when the panic hits him, as if someone shot an arrow right through his heart, or a grapple hook.

_Because suddenly, Levi knows exactly what Konrad Smith wants to do_.

He wants his son to confess. And if Erwin does that… If Erwin does that, Konrad will go to the police and then Erwin will go to prison and they’ll be separated, because it’s just as the commander said: Nobody would understand that Erwin did what he had to do in order to protect Levi, to save him from himself, to ground him, calm him, bring him to his senses, make him listen, to Erwin, to his friends, who had been trying to tell him all this time that Erwin was fine; but Levi didn’t listen because of all those haunting thoughts in his mind, transforming it into mush, making him even attack Hange in a blind hallucination from his previous life. Nobody would understand that Erwin broke his legs to save his life, keep Levi alive and breathing and—

A particular thought crashes through Levi’s brain like a hurricane, tearing all the barriers in his mind down, making room for an important realisation taking up all the place left after the havoc. A realisation that changes everything.

Erwin would have lived, if Levi had done the same.

Erwin would have lived if Levi hadn’t given in in his office. If he hadn’t lost the courage to make his threat come true.

Erwin would have lived, if Levi had broken his commander’s legs.

He would have been doomed to stay behind if Levi had found the courage to actually go through with it. To protect Erwin from himself. To save him. Then, he would have lived.

Levi made the wrong choice.

Erwin didn’t.

In this life the commander managed to do what Levi couldn’t in their previous life – hurting Levi in order to save him from himself. Because he cares. Because even though it’s eating him from the inside, even though it’s the worst thing for Erwin to hurt Levi, he still did it; because Erwin loves him. Because Erwin doesn’t want to lose him. Because Erwin wants them to be together.

And that’s exactly what Levi wants, too.

Thus, he cannot let this happen.

Levi can’t lose Erwin again. Not now. Not after he was so close to ending their time together by taking his own life. He won’t be the reason for Erwin’s misery again. He won’t go back to the ward and spend the rest of his life regretting this moment. He must find the courage. He must intervene.

He must save Erwin.

Levi tries to speak his man’s name, but his throat isn’t working yet. His whole body feels as if set on fire as he uses both of his arms to lift himself into a sitting position, eyes searching frantically for his wheelchair, howling out of frustration on the inside as he is not spotting it anywhere. He tries to say Erwin’s name again, but he isn’t loud enough and Erwin’s exchanging further words with his father, tense and uncomfortable. But Levi needs to get his man’s attention, he knows how much Konrad can rile Erwin up, make him say things he doesn’t want to say; Erwin’s good at controlling himself around everyone. Everyone except for his father.

Levi thinks about their argument on Christmas Eve in the past, the one that caused his anxiety attack. It was vicious and his man later admitted to having said too much.

Now he cannot say too much. He cannot.

This is why Levi does the only thing he can think of right now. He crawls to the end of the beanbag – and then lets himself crash down onto the floor, and he is so fucking grateful that the thud, causing pain to flare up in his legs hitting the tiles, makes him scream out loud, his voice finally functioning again, and also causes both men stop talking and turn their heads to look at him.

“Levi!” Erwin exclaims, jumping up from the dining table, the chair he was sitting on just a few seconds ago nearly falling down to the floor as it’s being pushed away by his sudden movement and his man rushes over to Levi, Konrad following immediately, Angela running into the room from the kitchen as well. His man falls down onto his knees, grabbing Levi’s arm, assisting him in moving into a sitting position – and just a second later Konrad squats down next to him, extending his hand to also touch Levi, to also help, but…

Something powerful surges through Levi’s body, as if he was being injected with something. He can feel it spread through all his veins, a cold substance, exhilarating at the same time. And when Konrad’s fingers are just a centimetre away from his skin, an animalistic growl travels up Levi’s throat and Konrad freezes.

“Don’t fucking touch me with your dirty hands,” he seethes at him, eyes formed to slits, pure anger welling in his chest, infiltrating every part of his body, causing utter uproar and turmoil, chaos; and Levi cannot control his mouth anymore. “Get out,” he snarls next at Konrad Smith, who is still frozen in place, staring at his son’s boyfriend wide-eyed, mouth agape. “Get out,” Levi repeats, and even though he’s still on the ground and his legs are still useless as fuck, he feels tall and strong, as if the muscles from his previous life had suddenly returned. As if he was wearing his gear, holding a knife, dressed in his uniform; the captain of the Survey Corps. Erwin Smith’s right-hand man. Humanity’s strongest soldier.

“Levi…” Konrad murmurs, while Angela remains silent after her gasp at Levi’s scornful words. As does the commander. As always.

Letting his captain do as he pleases with a shared goal in mind until he feels the need to intervene and call his attack dog back, take over himself.

“Get out,” Levi now growls again, hands forming to fists. “Get the fuck out of our house,” he adds.

“L-Levi…” Erwin’s father mumbles, extremely distraught, but the raven cuts him off.

“Get. The fuck. Out!” he barks, gritting his teeth – and that’s when Erwin finally says something. That’s when the commander decides to take the lead again. That’s when the blond stands up and Levi’s eyes automatically fixate on his man, standing tall and mighty right next to him, that special spark back in his eye, a stern look on his handsome face, his posture rigid and powerful, intimidating. “You heard my boy,” he tells his father, voice loud and clear, not that sighing and murmuring from just a few minutes before, not that evasive bullshit of ‘you have no idea what you’re talking about, father’ he’s heard Erwin say, but a demanding command. “Get out of our house,” Erwin repeats the order.

Angela gasps again and Konrad’s eyes widen, wandering from his son back down to Levi, who wishes he could jump up and grab Erwin’s father himself, throw him out, kick him out, make him shut up by using his fists.

Konrad’s a traitor, wanting to separate them, get Erwin to tell him the truth about the attack, use it against the commander, blackmail him, get him to be thrown into a cell again, hanged. But Levi won’t have that, he won’t have any of that. “Erwin told you to fucking leave,” he snarls, “so fucking leave, Konrad.”

A second passes. Then two. Levi can see Konrad swallowing, his bewildered eyes resting on him. “…L…Levi…” he mumbles, and that’s when the captain snaps.

“Get the fuck out of our house, Konrad!” he now screams, his whole body jerking, voice cracking. But Levi doesn’t care. “Or I swear to fucking god, I’ll punch your face in and make you eat your own shit!” he adds in a bellow, panting heavily afterwards, and that’s when Erwin takes a step towards to his father, making the old man jerk back.

Erwin doesn’t raise his voice. He’s as calm as a deep lake on a wind-free day. Eerie and vigorous at the same time. There’s this special aura surrounding him. He’s exuding authority, the way he’s standing there, looking at his father sternly, focussed, leaving no room for discussion, no room for alternatives. “Leave,” is all he says – and finally, his father seems to understand that he doesn’t have another option. That no matter what he says, it won’t change anything, that neither Erwin nor Levi will tell him anything, that he isn’t welcome here anymore. As much as it hurts Levi, for he remembers how fondly his commander spoke of his father in their previous life and how Erwin sacrificed everything to prove Konrad Smith had been right about their world, that his death wasn’t meaningless. He mourns that in this life father and son aren’t able to form an everlasting, deep bond. But he can’t change it, it’s not in his power to influence this. The only thing Levi can do is make the man leave them alone right now, because obviously Erwin’s father has bad intentions and Levi can’t let that happen.

The only thing he can do right now is to finally save Erwin and repent.

“Angela,” Konrad says with a shaky voice, looking over to his wife, “let’s go.”

The woman is silent and when Levi looks at her, she is evidently distraught, oblivious to what her husband has been saying the whole night, what Papa Smith had been trying to achieve, and Levi’s glad that it’s only Erwin’s father who knows. And he feels even better when he watches Konrad and Angela Smith put on their jackets and walk out of the house with Erwin’s cold eyes resting on them. They don’t exchange goodbyes. Papa Smith just looks at Erwin, somehow wistfully – and then he’s gone, and Erwin slams the door behind them, and the loud thud is liberating, and when Erwin turns around to look at Levi, he looks… he looks happy and… Erwin looks as if he was extremely proud of him.

“My sweet boy,” he murmurs, walking back to him, sinking down to his knees, cupping his lover’s face, “what was that…?” he breathes out. But it’s a question that doesn’t need answering. Erwin smiles, kisses Levi’s forehead, his nose, his lips, while Levi’s shaking slightly, the whole energy that had made him react the way he reacted leaving his body, as if someone or something was sucking it out of his veins, leaving him empty and confused and scared.

“I-I’m… I’m s-sorry I… I s-said m-mean things t-to your father…” he hears himself mumble.

Erwin clicks his tongue, pressing a kiss on Levi’s cheek after. “You did the right thing, my darling,” he then tells him in a gentle tone, smiling when Levi raises his gaze to meet Erwin’s. “You protected me, Levi,” Erwin continues, kissing Levi’s other cheek, his hand moving down to his neck and into his hair. The blond brings their foreheads together, taking a deep breath. “Levi... Thank you,” he murmurs and…

And Erwin sounds exactly like on that day in Shiganshina.

It makes goosebumps erupt all over Levi’s skin once again. It tugs at his heart. It spreads warmth in his chest, laced with slight pain. It makes his throat hurt a little, as he suppresses the urge to cry, heightens the heat he feels radiating from Erwin’s forehead touching his skin.

“K-Konrad…” he gasps, “…h-he... Your father knows…”

“No, Levi,” Erwin answers gently, his hand wandering back down to Levi’s throat, the man breaking their gentle contact, making Levi open his eyes to look into the blue orbs that fascinate him so much. “He doesn’t know,” he says, “my father suspects, yes. But he doesn’t know. And: He can’t prove it was me, baby. He can’t do anything. Especially because you haven’t said anything to him, darling…” Erwin murmurs, pressing his lips slowly and gently onto Levi’s again, before he speaks again. “Thank you so much for protecting me, Levi… My father would never understand what happened between us, why I had to do it,” Erwin breathes out, the warmth of his breath a caress to Levi’s lips that Erwin claims with his own once more. “I love you…” he whispers against Levi’s mouth.

“...I love you, t-too… Erwin…” the raven whispers back – but the thought about Konrad and his questions, his suspicions, the threat that Erwin’s father poses just won’t leave his mind completely. “Wh-what i-if he…”

“He won’t do anything, Levi,” Erwin reassures him, his fingers grazing his throat tenderly. “Don’t make yourself crazy, baby. Konrad won’t do anything. I will tell him that neither he nor Angela are welcome here anymore. And I will have the locks changed after the holidays so he cannot use his spare key, so there will be no danger of him coming in here and pestering us, okay love?”

Levi swallows thickly. “Wh-what if… what if he goes to the police?”

“He won’t, Levi,” Erwin answers sternly. “I told you: He hasn’t got any proof. They won’t believe him. As long as you don’t tell anyone, everything will be fine, darling“, he emphasises, „you have got to believe me. As long as you protect me – I can protect you. We’re gonna protect each other, won’t we, sweetheart?”

“Y-yes…” Levi whispers – because being there for Erwin, protecting him is the essence of his life. “We will…” And the smile his words paint onto Erwin’s face is amazing. Like rays of sunshine, bestowing him with comforting warmth and making everything bad just… wither away.

His man holds him close after they somehow manage to get Levi back on the wheelchair and have the big dinner on their own, that Angela’s managed to prepare. He kisses him, caresses his skin, combs his hair, helps him in the bathroom, cuddles him when they lie together on the big bed space of the couch watching Christmas movies, eating cookies and chocolate, and the more time passes the more Levi’s shock about this family visit becomes… smaller.

He has trouble falling asleep though, despite the herbal 'good night' tea Erwin's brewed him. In the end, it's one of those big sleeping pills that knocks him out, head pressed against Erwin's chest, and that plunges him into terrifying darkness that swallows him up like the deep sea.

He doesn't dream. At least not much. It's just some random fragments his subconsciousness throws at him, the episodes not related in any way to one another. There’s his mother, the caring one, Kuchel, there’s Kenny, there’s Jonathan and Dr Schneider from the hospital. There’s Farlan and Isabel in the underground, Mike and Hange from this life, there are the police officers, there’s the walls, his old apartment when he got out of the ward, there's a forest, and always: there's Erwin.

Looking at him with the softest expression that warms Levi’s heart up, the blond man’s blue eyes shiny, his plump lips curled into a gentle smile.

“Levi...” Erwin coos, his voice velvety, conjuring the most pleasant shiver to graze across the raven's back - and suddenly Levi realises that he isn't dreaming anymore, but laying wide awake on the couch, Erwin right beside him, their bodies touching slightly. “Can you hear me now, love?” His man asks gently, and Levi nods, clearing his throat. Erwin's smile intensifies. “Happy birthday, my sweet darling,” he breathes against his boy's cheek before planting a chaste and gentle but at the same time very intense kiss onto his cheek. “How are you feeling, love?”

Erwin’s gentle words paired with his alluring and wonderful smile make Levi lighten up. His insides are flooded with a wave of happiness, especially when Erwin touches his face, tucking a strand of Levi’s dark hair behind his ear. “…good…” Levi murmurs, and Erwin scoots even closer, making their bodies collide lightly, making sure his broken arm doesn’t get squashed between them, kissing Levi gently.

“I’m glad…” Erwin purrs, planting another kiss onto his boy’s lips. “Breakfast? …or do you want to stay in bed for another while, baby?”

Levi responds by leaning in closer, brushing his cheek against Erwin’s as if he was a cat, starved for physical attention, pets and caresses – because he is. Despite not being a cat. Erwin chuckles lightly at his boy’s reaction. But he gives in. Like he always does, and Levi’s mind is so wonderfully at peace, the memories of Konrad’s words and presence being pushed back into the far depths of his brain, as his man caresses and kisses him, murmurs loving words against his skin.

Erwin makes him breakfast, even feeds it to him while they watch some more Christmas movies. He helps Levi take a shower, washes his hair, every centimetre of his body. They talk about the night before only briefly, when Levi experiences a small fit of anxiety. Erwin holds him then, telling him how proud he is, how grateful, repeating how they will protect each other, and Levi’s finger’s dig into his man’s shoulders as the raven presses his forehead against the blond man’s neck, letting the meds Erwin’s given him do their work. “Everything’s going to be fine, Levi,” Erwin hums and Levi’s nodding. Because he knows that Erwin’s right. Erwin always is. “Levi…” his man says his name, and the raven-haired looks back into Erwin’s eyes. The blond is smiling, so delicately, warmly, it touches Levi’s inner core. “Do you trust me?” he asks.

“Yes,” Levi responds without any hesitation, making Erwin give him a kiss on the forehead.

And then the man says something so wonderful, Levi shudders, and tears start to well in his eyes.

“I trust you, too,” he says, and a whine escapes Levi’s mouth. “You’ve proved today that I can rely on you, my pretty darling,” he adds, cupping Levi’s face again, kissing him. “I forgive you for running away. I forgive you for making me worry. I forgive you for not listening to me. Because I love and I trust you, Levi. I will love you _forever_.”

“Me too,” Levi breathes out, his inner world shaken in a very positive sense, his heart beating wildly in his chest. “I-I, I love you, too, Erwin...! God, I-I love you so much…! And I will never ever run away again, I promise, Erwin, I do...!”

“I know, darling-baby,” Erwin replies, slowly gliding off the couch, a promising smile gracing his lips. “I know, I believe you.” He moves to kneel between his boy’s spread legs, taking Levi’s hand into his, breathing a kiss onto his knuckles, while looking Levi deep into the eyes. Then, Erwin reaches into the pocket of his trousers, and when Levi sees what his man is holding in his hand, his pulse quickens and his breath picks up, his skin tingles and the hairs on the back of his neck all rise; and everything that happens after seems to Levi as if it was unfolding in slow motion.

Erwin’s holding up a ring.

It’s a beautiful, shiny, silver _ring_.

One that he slips easily onto Levi’s finger – one that fits perfectly.

Then, the man looks up and deep into Levi’s eyes again, and Erwin’s orbs are as blue as the heaven on a lovely sunny day.

“You’re going to marry me, Levi,” he breathes out, leaning forward to kiss the ring on Levi’s finger, and a sound of want and longing mixed with surprise escapes Levi’s mouth, elevating happiness once again flooding his whole system, making his heart beat like a archaic jungle drum. Erwin looks up at him again. “Won’t you, baby?” he says – and all Levi can do is nod, new tears gathering in his eyes because he cannot believe that this is real, that it’s truly happening, _that he’s going to marry Erwin Smith_. “Levi…?”

“Yes!” he gasps, eyes focussing back on Erwin, his commander. “Yes!” he repeats and tears trickle down his cheek. “O-of course…! Of course! _Yes_!”

Erwin smiles, cupping Levi’s cheek, thumb wiping away the little tears that have flown down the sensitive skin. “You make me so happy, Levi…” he murmurs, tone full of pure adoration, making Levi feel giddy and excited, making him feel so glad and contented, the joy almost becoming too much, making blood rush to his head.

The blond man pushes himself up, presses his lips to Levi’s, murmuring over and over again how much he loves him, how happy he is they will spend the rest of their lives together, and Levi is in seventh heaven, looking at the ring all day, whenever he can. Erwin takes pictures of their hands entwined, presenting the ring – and Erwin’s matching engagement band – to all of their friends in a message, showing Levi the congratulations coming in from Hange and Moblit, Nanaba and Mike, uncle Darius, also for Levi’s birthday.

But not Papa Smith.

Because Erwin doesn’t tell him, says to Levi that this isn’t any of Konrad’s business anymore, not after his last visit, and Levi couldn’t agree more, the words of Erwin’s father replaying in his mind still causing shivers to run down his back, whenever he thinks about them.

But Erwin does everything to make Levi forget, and looking at his ring, signalling that he will soon be Erwin’s husband, really helps, too. As do Erwin’s words, taking up more and more space in his mind, pushing the memory of Konrad’s and Angela’s visit further and further away.

“Can… can you tell me again… Erwin?” Levi asks, sitting between Erwin’s legs on the sofa watching his favourite Disney movie, his back pressed against his man’s chest, George resting on his belly while the blond is holding him with his unbroken arm against his body, head pressed against Levi’s as he chuckles lightly.

“Of course, my sweet birthday boy,” Erwin complies, whispering the alluring formula into his boy’s ear: “I trust you, Levi.”

“….again…?”

“….I trust you. Levi.”

“A—“

“I trust you, Levi”, Erwin murmurs gently. “And I’m going to protect you, just as much as you will protect me. You’re going to be my husband soon, and I will do anything to keep you save. Anything, love. _Forever_.”

Levi swallows, Erwin’s words filling him with overwhelming happiness. “Thank you…” he mumbles and feels Erwin breathing a kiss onto his crown.

“No, Levi…” he whispers, “thank _you_.”

The raven asks Erwin again after just half an hour. “Can you… Can you tell me again?”

And Erwin whispers the words against his throat. “I trust you, Levi.”

He tells him when he serves him dinner. “I trust you, darling.”

He repeats the magical spell when he takes Levi out on a walk, pushing his wheelchair down the paved path along the fields, Levi helping in the moving process with both of his arms. “I trust you, my angel.”

Erwin says it again when he helps Levi to get out of his winter clothes upon coming back home. “I trust you, sunshine.”

He utters them after starting a fire and kissing Levi who watches his man from the beanbag. “I trust you, baby-boy…”

Erwin gives Levi his birthday day. He got him the latest Nintendo console and many games the raven can play, so staying at home the whole time won’t be too boring once Erwin has to return to work, and Levi’s so utterly happy. They play for hours. Or rather: Levi plays and Erwin’s giving him instructions on how to do it, is helping with riddles, makes suggestions as to what Levi should do next; and it feels so perfect so familiar.

_Erwin giving Levi orders to fulfil, being the strategist steering his soldier from the background._

“Okay, pumpkin,” Erwin says after Levi clears another level, “that’s enough for today, okay?”

“Yeah…” Levi agrees, handing the controller over to Erwin who puts it away.

“Why don’t you try to doze a little while I clean up the kitchen, huh?” the blond suggests, pushing George into Levi’s arms wrapping around the soft teddy bear.

“Yes…”

He wasn’t feeling tired, but once he closes his eyes, Levi surprisingly manages to drift off, lying on his side. It’s the beanbag moving underneath him that shakes him softly out of his semi-sleep state after some time, one without any dreams. Blinking, Levi feels a warm body move to press against his back. He feels equally heated lips against his nape, a strong arm sliding between his body and the upholstery, a hot hand gliding underneath his t-shirt and sweatpants coming to rest low on his abdomen.

“Hey birthday boy…” Erwin murmurs lazily, now fully pressing against Levi from behind, kissing his boy’s throat, his warm breath glazing over the thin skin, making Levi shudder in a pleasurable way, “my fiancé, my soon-to-be husband…” Erwin adds in a loving way, and Levi can feel the man smiling against his throat, his own lips curling also into the expression of joy – because he is just so extremely happy; and his commander calling him his future husband is… _It’s a dream come true_. One that is making something tingle in the depths of his body, one that makes wonderful shivers travel down his arms. “How does that sound, angel?” Erwin asks in a whisper, letting the tip of his tongue slide ever so slowly over the patch of skin just underneath Levi’s ear, making the raven-haired shudder. Also, because Erwin moves his hips, pressing his stirring groin against his behind.

“…wonderful…” Levi whispers, his own sex now stirring also, and Erwin’s hand begins to move further south, fingers now sliding into Levi’s coarse, dark pubic hair, making him swallow thickly, and his breath pick up again, as does his heartbeat – because he feels his man’s growing sex pressed against his globes, and his arms, still holding onto George on which he is halfway lying, wrap themselves around the teddy bear even stronger.

“I can’t wait to marry you, Levi,” Erwin breathes into his ear, rolling his hips to press his semi-hard manhood even further against his boy’s ass – and a sigh escapes Levi’s mouth, because suddenly, his whole body feels as if it’s on fire, the second Erwin’s hand skids down to clasp his twitching dick, slowly waking up, too. Erwin groans contentedly, his broken arm resting lightly on top of Levi’s hip, and the deep sound ripples down Levi’s spine, pressed tightly against his man’s chest.

But then a wave of fear surges through his body.

“Y-your ribs…!” he hisses, trying to move away from Erwin, because he doesn’t want to hurt his man. But Erwin won’t let him.

“It’s fine,” he grunts, fingers wrapping tighter around Levi’s length, his arm pushing the raven back into the confines of his future husband’s half embrace, and what Erwin says next, makes the strength flood out of Levi’s body completely and the boy give up, give in: “I need you, Levi…”

The raven swallows, arousal pooling in his stomach.

“Can I make love to you, darling…?” Erwin whispers into his ear, igniting desire within his boy. “I’ll be gentle, I promise…”

Levi swallows again, the sudden heat taking over all of his being making it almost impossible for him to answer verbally. He shudders, hugging the teddy bear tighter, again and Erwin plants a wet kiss into Levi’s nape, pushing his fully hard cock against his fiancé’s ass cheeks, pushing it between them, and Levi desires nothing more than the barrier of fabric to disappear to fully feel his man against his skin.

“Erwin…” he moans lightly, and thus sets everything into motion.

“Help me take off your clothes,” Erwin says in a hoarse whisper and Levi’s brain almost shuts off completely, his hands moving down automatically to push the sweatpants over his hips, his man helping him, only letting go of Levi to sit up and pull his pants carefully down his broken his legs, off his body, and when Levi turns onto his back to aid the process and his eyes fall onto his man, his breath catches in his chest – for Erwin is already completely naked, and his sex, fully hard, is an enticing sight to behold, his salty essence beading at the exposed, round cockhead; and Erwin’s eyes… They are full of lust as they move over Levi’s equally hard length and as the man moves back up to help Levi push his t-shirt over his head, leaving him fully exposed as well, air caressing his skin laid bare.

“You’re so beautiful, Levi…” the man murmurs, lying down on his side, pushing his arm back underneath him, fingers coming to rest on his shoulder when he moves closer, his face hovering over Levi’s, the man’s lips twisted into a soft and intense smile. “Can I kiss you, my prince?” he asks him quietly, and all Levi can do is nod, reaching out for his man with both of his arms, touching his heated skin as Erwin’s lips sink down onto his, wrapping around his strong back as the blond pushes his tongue inside, exploring Levi’s cavity, and a tidal wave of want crashes through Levi’s body.

They haven’t had sex since before the accident. And Levi’s starved. And Erwin must be too.

Levi moans into the kiss – and so does Erwin, confirming the raven’s theory, his thick and hard cock pushing against Levi’s side, smearing pre-come all over his skin. And Levi loves it.

Their mouths part with a wet smack and Levi’s head is pounding, as is his dick. Erwin’s smiling down on him, his pupils blown wide, the heat of the fire caressing both men’s skin. “Turn back on your side, darling,” he says, and Levi does, Erwin’s hand aiding him. But as he tries to push George away, his man stops him. “No,” he says, “I want you to keep him close. Hold onto him, pretty little boy, okay?” he adds, pushing the teddy bear against Levi’s chest, who instantly wraps his arms around the toy, burying his face George’s soft fur, inhaling some more of Erwin’s scent, that adds like oil to the fire, as he feels Erwin move down his body slowly, leaving a trail of sloppy, wet kisses down his spine and lower back, his lips and tongue moving over both of his ass cheeks, the healthy hand cupping the right one, squishing it, pushing the flesh to the side.

“Ugh…!” Levi moans against George’s belly, his fingers digging further into the soft body of the teddy bear as Erwin’s tongue grazes over his entrance – and his man starts to lick his hole properly, his wet and hot saliva coating Levi’s crack.

“Touch your dick,” Erwin mumbles against Levi’s asshole and a profound shiver travels up and down the raven’s spine as he does what he is told, while Erwin’s tongue pushes inside of him, breaching the ring of muscle, bringing Levi to sing a song of sobs and moans. “But just don’t make yourself come _yet_…” Erwin adds, his voice sultry and enticing as well as slightly amused, before he sticks his tongue back into Levi’s asshole, making the small and fragile body jolt. His legs hurt a little at the sudden movement, but Levi ignores this. _Because the rest of his body feels so fucking good_.

“Keep touching yourself,” Erwin instructs gently when he sits up, reaching out for the lube to coat his fingers with the viscous gel and Levi flinches slightly when Erwin’s moistened fingers touch his hole because the lubricant is a bit cold. Erwin circles his hole while Levi’s pumping himself slowly. “You ready, baby?” he asks in a low, seductive tone, and Levi nods his head.

“Yeah…” he breathes against George, and Erwin groans contentedly, pushing his index finger into Levi’s entrance, and Levi moans out loudly.

Erwin takes his time opening him up, adding a second finger after what feels like forever, pushing against Levi’s inner walls, kissing his cheeks while he does so, licking over his hole when he adds the third finger – and Levi’s abdomen is boiling, the blood flowing into his dick is boiling, the desire almost becoming unbearable; because he needs Erwin so badly.

“Erwin…” he moans his man’s name, and the blond groans. It’s an animalistic sound, one full of want and desire, and Levi’s panting wildly, as he feels Erwin positioning himself behind Levi.

“Grab my dick and guide it inside you,” the man breathes his wicked command into Levi’s ear, his arm already wrapped around the smaller man’s form, his lips on his throat, kissing, licking and biting into all of Levi’s sensitive spots as the raven does what he was told to do, reaching behind himself with hand, letting go of his own dick for a few seconds to direct his man’s pulsating length into his hole. “There you fucking go, ugh…!” Erwin moans into Levi’s ear, pushing his manhood slowly but completely into Levi’s channel, making the raven release a wanton and shameless moan. “Oh fuck…! Fuck, I missed this so much, darling…!” the blond man grunts – and starts building up a slow but steady rhythm. “Keep touching yourself, Levi,” he groans, words slurred, “_and come whenever you want, baby_…”

Levi whimpers, desperate and raw arousal coursing through all of his veins as his man takes him this way, his broken arm yet again resting on his hip, his wet chest pressed against his hot back, thighs pushing against thighs, Erwin’s loud moans filling his ears, his man’s fragrance coming from behind and from the front, his man pressing him further against the teddy bear, Levi’s arm wrapped tightly around George, his face pressed against the animal that means so much to him. “Oh God… Oh God… Oh God…!” he keeps moaning as Erwin keeps stimulating his prostate.

It’s slow but intense.  
It’s gentle and rough at the same time.  
It’s hot and it’s sweaty.  
It’s raw and beautiful.  
Desperate and romantic at once.

“Oh, shit, baby… Ugh… So good, you’re so good, fuck…!” Erwin grunts, biting into the spot where Levi’s neck and shoulder join, his arm pressing Levi further against his body, his hips picking up the pace, beginning to pound into his fiancé; and Levi shudders, and moans, and his abdominal muscles are cramping without any control, his balls are tingling wickedly and arousal becomes unbearable, his release crashing over him like a tsunami, the thick come squirting out of his dick like a fucking waterfall, wild and fast, accompanied by his animalistic cries.

Erwin’s voice joins in, his moans and grunts so deep and hoarse they even heighten Levi’s climax – or is it the huge and hard cock of his man pushing against his sweet spot mercilessly as Erwin’s ploughing into him, making the bean bag make lots of noises, too, making Levi drool all over George whom he is clinging to desperately?

“Oh God…” Erwin breathes, “fuck!”

He fills Levi’s ass completely with his thick and hot seed and his boy is breathless for a long while in which Erwin still rests against him, his cock still pushed into his asshole, his man’s lips once again pressed against his throat, the hot air coming out of his lewd mouth burning his skin.

“Hey…” he whispers after a while in which the both begin to calm down a little. “Hey…” he breathes out again and Levi slowly turns his head to the side to look at his man. Erwin’s smiling at him – and then his man kisses him. Tenderly. His tongue swiping ever so slowly over Levi’s lips, pushing ever so carefully into his mouth to kiss him slowly, gently. He’s smiling again as they part, just looking at each other. “I love you, Levi,” Erwin whispers, kissing the tip of his nose, making Levi smile daftly. “Forever. Right?”

“Yes…” Levi whispers, “forever…”

Erwin holds him close after he cleans him up, helps him to relieve himself – Levi’s almost completely used to this by then. They have a chocolaty midnight snack, share sweet kisses after; and Konrad Smith’s visit seems to be decades ago, so far has Erwin manages to push those memories in Levi’s mind, so intoxicating have the events after the family fallout been, Levi muses, looking at his ring a final time before Erwin switches off the light and scoots closer yet again.

“How are your legs?” he asks.

“Fine.”

“And everything else?”

“Perfect.”

Erwin hums contentedly, kissing Levi’s temple. “Darius is coming over tomorrow,” he then tells Levi, “he wants to see how you are and stock up your meds. I hope that’s okay?”

“O-of course…” Levi mumbles. Even though a tiny part feels… strange.

Levi tries not to think about it anymore, is cleaned up by Erwin yet again the following day. Gets a breath-taking blow job from his man who swallows his come, praising its exquisite taste, making his boy blush, cling to George even more. The blond man chuckles, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he gets up, winking at Levi, calling him his “cute fiancé”, talks about their wedding as he prepares Levi a light lunch, and he’s gotten quite good at cooking with only one hand.

“We don’t have to make it big,” he says, turning his head around to smile at Levi, “it can be only the two of us at the civil registry office. Nowadays you don’t even need witnesses.” He talks about a possible small party after, if it isn’t too much for Levi. “Just Hange, Moblit, Nanaba and Mike.”

Levi smiles. “I… I’d like that…”

Erwin places the plate with a fresh and perfect looking sandwich in front of Levi and then bends down, cupping Levi’s chin and making the younger man lift his head up to face his commander, kissing the raven chastely on the lips. “We agree that you will be taking on my surname,” Erwin then says, “right, darling?”

“…yes…” Levi utters, thinking of how this ties him together even more to Erwin.

“Levi Smith,” says the blond, smiling enticingly. “I think that sounds perfect, my love.”

And all Levi can do is nod.

_Because it does_.

Darius comes in the early afternoon, offering Levi a smile, shaking his hand, congratulating him on his birthday as well as on the engagement. “Welcome to the family,” he says, and a shiver travels down the raven’s spine. Rufus, Zackly’s German Shepard, then comes running up to Levi, moving his head under his hand, demanding a pet, and Levi obliges.

Erwin in turn ruffles his hair. “Why don’t you take care of Rufus a little while I talk to uncle Darius in my study,” he says, and Levi nods, watching the two men disappear down the hall. Rufus jumps onto the couch and licks his face, makes Levi snicker – even though it’s a bit disgusting. But he likes Rufus. So when Darius suggests to take Levi out on a walk with him and the dog into the fields, Levi is happy that Erwin finds this to be a good idea. “I have to prepare some classes and assignments for my students anyway, so that’s actually gives me some time to do that,” he tells them, smiling, getting Levi all dressed up for the winter coldness still ruling despite the sun shining.

The dog is excited about being out in the nature and runs around in the fields, both men watching as they make a break on one of the benches along the path at the edge of the forest, Zackly sitting down opposite of Levi on a bench.

“You cold?” he asks the raven and Levi shakes his head. They haven’t talked much until now, Zackly only having told him a bit about Rufus’ latest obsession with shoes, making Levi smile lightly. But obviously, this is about to change now. “Tell me: How have you been, Levi?”

The raven shifts a bit in the wheelchair. “Good,” he says, not knowing where to look, Zackly’s eyes fixated on his, making Levi a little bit nervous, though he doesn’t really understand why.

The old man hums, leaning back – and then they remain silent for quite a while, the only sound reaching Levi’s ears being the rustling of the trees and Rufus’ light barking, his paws moving on the earth around them. It’s Zackly who speaks up again. “You caused a lot of trouble for Erwin disappearing like that, Levi,” he says, his tone calm, but also somewhat stern.

“I… I know…” Levi mumbles.

“Actually, you caused _everyone_ a lot of trouble,” he continues, and Levi presses his lips together because he feels so bad.

“…I… I know, uncle Darius. But…” Levi says, looking up at the old doc in a pleading way, because he needs Zackly to believe him, see that he really means it, make sure that he understands that Erwin did what he had to do and that he understands his punishment and has learned from it. “I will never run away, I promised Erwin, and I promise _you_.”

Zackly tuts, shaking his head in a contemptuous way. “And how much worth is that promise of yours, Levi?” he counters. “I believe you’d promised Erwin never to run away again when you disappeared on campus, just before you moved in with him. Am I not correct?”

“No, you are, I m-mean, I did, but…” Levi stammers, his brain working on overload. “B-but this time… I-It was different, I thought… I thought history was repeating itself, I was sure Erwin’s lost an arm, j-just like he did in…” he sighs, his mind spinning and his body shaking lightly. “I-I was convinced that if I stayed, it w-would happen again…”

“Erwin dying,” Zackly fills in the gap that Levi leaves out, and the raven nods.

“Y-yes… But I know it’s not like that, I was wrong, and I will listen to Erwin now and ignore my… I will ignore my memories, I promise.”

Zackly sighs. “How can we believe this, Levi? Tell me. Next time Erwin comes home late or something minor happens – because it always can – you’re _not_ gonna think a titan ate him and go berserk again? How can you know that? How can _we_ know that?”

“I… I… I don’t know… I just… I promise, Darius. I do. I really, really do”, he stammers, not knowing how to convince his therapist that he really gets it now, that he will really keep his promise to Erwin. That he understands that he needs the man’s guidance and will never ever make any decision again, never ever again make his own conclusions. How can he communicate this?

Zackly sighs once again, and another while of silence follows. An uncomfortable silence. And it’s broken by something even more uncomfortable. “You fucking Ackermans…” Zackly suddenly spits out – and Levi freezes, not understand what the man is referring to.

Their eyes meet, and Darius sighs again, crossing his arms in front of his chest, releasing yet another deep sigh, leaning back on the bench, before he continues. “There’s just something in your blood, even in _this_ life, that makes you different from other people,” he says, and an ice cold shiver creeps down Levi’s spine, makes the beating of his heart pick up pace, adrenaline rush through his system. “No matter what I try with you: I won’t be able to erase your memories, you’re immune. Because yes, this is what they are, Levi. Not hallucinations, not your mind playing tricks on you, but your actual memories from a past life. The Walls, the titans, the Survey Corps – I remember all of it just like you. And so did Erwin. _Once_.”

“…what?” Levi breathes out, feeling as if the ground beneath him was torn open by a giant titan, feeling as if someone had knocked out the air of his lungs, feeling as if someone had slapped him across the face and was squeezing his heart in a cold, giant hand. “What?” he gasps, as the tears start rolling down his cheeks. _“WHAT?!” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written under the influence of the stunning album "The Art Of Survival" by Ramsey - I recommend it to each and everyone of you. And please be strong. Because we are heading straight for the finale of this tale. BUT... you will have to wait a little. Because I really want to contribute to the wonderful Eruri Valentine's event and bring fatwin back (please read "Cookies & Cream" if you have no idea what I am talking about :-D) and thus, I need to take a break. Also, because this chapter has fucked me up. I have been waiting for SO long for THAT moment with Zackly, my hands a literally shaking....! If you need something nice (and hot) to calm down, I suggest you go over to my latest fic "Teacup". Oh, and here's the Eruri event I was talking about:
> 
> https://twitter.com/holidayeruri
> 
> Also, follow me on Twitter, if you aren't already! https://twitter.com/SummoningIsis
> 
> And as always: YOUR COMMENTS ARE WELCOME! I am DYING to know what you think about this!!! And I will get back to the comments on the previous chapter, I promise! (I feel like Levi, god :D)
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! Take care and see you soon! <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear readers,
> 
> we are finally here: at the end. This is part one of this fic's finale and I am sorry I kept you waiting, but I really had to be in the right mindset to write this because this shit is just very emotional for me. And I also needed to rewatch AoT and reread the manga to sort it all out in my head. But now, we're finally here. 
> 
> Thank you for being patient. I hope you're going to "enjoy" this - tomorrow I will be starting to write the second part of the finale. But right now, I need to take a moment. Writing this chapter was really, really hard and exciting at the same time and I cannot wait to hear your thoughts.
> 
> Take care and stay safe!!!!

**Chapter 15**

Levi’s heart is about to break out of his chest, tear through his bones, his flesh, his skin. It’s about to explode, to burts, to shatter, beating so excessively in his chest while the cogs of his battered brain are turning. Or at least _trying_ to do so, as all of his body is numb, shock and confusion dominating Levi’s sorry state of mind, because…

Did he even understand Darius correctly? Was he listening properly? Or is this another one of his hallucinations? Another relapse? Is he imagining things? Like he always does? Or has Zackly just truly denied that fact? Denied _everything_ he’s tried to make Levi understand for the past few years?

_“This is what they are, Levi. Not hallucinations, not your mind playing tricks on you, but your actual memories from a past life.”_

Is this really what uncle Darius just said? 

_“The walls, the titans, the Survey Corps – I remember all of it just like you. And so did Erwin. Once.”_

Is this true? Does Zackly remember, just like Levi? And did Erwin...? Did he really...? Is this really... _his_ Erwin? But—

Rufus barks at his owner, prompting him to throw the thick stick of a tree branch for him, which the dog’s just brought over to him, wanting to play fetch, and Zackly obliges, watching the German Shepherd chase after his newly found toy. Levi blinks. 

“Wh-What?” he hears himself mumbling then, his throat as dry as sandpaper. “What did you…?”

Darius sighs. “Some of us remember,” he states somberly and Levi still doesn’t understand, still cannot comprehend, his thoughts running wild, his inner world in turmoil, his skin feeling cold and hot all at once.

“Wh-What?”

“Levi,” the old man states his name in a serious, meaningful way, “I know this is hard for you to grasp, but I need you to understand: I have been lying to you all this time, during our sessions, our conversations, trying to convince you, make you believe, that your visions and alleged memories were only a creation of your mind. But they are, in fact, reality. The walls, the titans, the Survey Corps, Marley, the Eldians, the war – it’s all real, and you are not the only one who has experienced this other, this previous life. For I have too. I remember it too. Among many other people that I have come across in _this_ reality.”

Levi feels as if someone had thrown him into a pond filled with icy water – like Zeke had just caused the explosion on the cart, hauling Levi’s body through the air. But this… This… This can’t be. This just can’t be!

He starts hyperventilating, fingers digging into the armrests of the wheelchair, Rufus’s barking next to him not even fully reaching him. He’s staring at the ground, his pulse skyrocketing, unpleasant shivers running up and down his spine. He’s shaking. Because Darius’s words are clear, Levi gets what Erwin’s uncle is telling him, but he does not _understand_. Because it doesn’t make sense. Because it just can’t be. It can’t be. It cannot be!

Suddenly, one single coherent thought swims to the surface of the unruly sea inside of Levi’s sick mind; and he grasps it, clings onto it, as he desperately tries not to drown in this hideous storm.

A test.

Is this a test?

Something like… Reversed psychology?

Erwin once watched a documentary about it, when Levi was semi-awake in his embrace, his eyes closed, merely listening a little bit to the speaker, not even gazing at the TV. But he remembers some parts of it, as if they were stuck in the back of his mind, doesn’t he? So, is this not what Zackly is doing? Provoking him, saying what Levi has been saying, what he has been claiming all this while, to make him _deny_ that lie, that fantasy? To make _Levi_ deny that he believes he really _had_, that he _remembers_ a previous life? To see whether Levi has _finally_ understood, after all this time, and especially after the severe incident he caused by believing history would be repeating itself and running away… that he has finally understood it’s _not_ real? To make absolutely sure that they – Darius and Erwin – can _really_ trust him when he says he will not repeat his mistake? That he won’t run away again? Jump to insane conclusions based on some of his alleged memories? Like Erwin losing an arm? Dying?

_“How can we believe this, Levi? Tell me. Next time Erwin comes home late or something minor happens – because it always can – you’re not gonna think a titan ate him and go berserk again? How can you know that? How can _we_ know that?”_

That is what Zackly just asked him, isn’t it? So it makes sense. Doesn’t it? That uncle Darius wants to finally hear this out of Levi’s _own_ mouth. That he believes in what his therapist has been saying to him all this while. That the titans, the walls, the Survey Corps – that they are all made up. That Levi finally _understands_ this.

Levi swallows, tears welling in his eyes, because this is so confusing, and tough, and frightening, because Darius has never done this before, and Levi’s nervous, and his man is not here – Erwin is not here to hold his hand, guide him, and Levi’s nearly going insane because of this, more insane than he already is; but then again, maybe that’s the point? Him being alone right now? Alone with Zackly? Maybe Erwin told Darius to do this, to test Levi. Because, maybe, despite Erwin telling him that he trusted him again – and God, Levi would love to hear his man’s voice right now saying exactly that! – the blond does, in fact, still _not_ trust him _fully_? Levi wouldn’t even blame him, after what he’s done, but…

Erwin never lies.

Not to Levi. No.

He always tells him the truth, no matter how brutal it is. 

_Because_ he trusts him. Because he loves him. Because he only wants what’s best for him. 

Erwin trusts him!

But Zackly does not, and he’s worried for Erwin, of course. He’s worried for Levi, too. And Levi _did_ cause a lot of trouble. For everyone. But it’s just so hard to be dealing with this situation right now, and all the hairs of his body are standing up right, and he’s hot and cold, and he shivers, and his heart rate is way too high, and he’s starting to panic, but he has to, he just fucking _has to_ make uncle Darius believe him when he promises to never, fucking _never_ run away again, fucking _never_ make a mistake like that again. He has to make sure that Zackly knows that he’s going to listen to every single word Erwin tells him from now on, and that he will never, never, never again make a decision based on his alleged memories.

That he will never make any decision on his _own_ again.

He needs Darius to believe him! Because it’s the truth! The _only_ truth!

“Uncle Darius,” Levi sobs, shaking his head, gathering all the strength in his weak body and mind to do this. To stop this. To go home to his man again. God, he wants to see Erwin so badly right now, _needs_ to see Erwin so badly right now, tell his man again too; that he’ll forever be a good boy, a good husband. Forever. “There is no past life. I’m just sick, like you always said”, he sobs. “It’s all in my mind. There is no… There never were any titans, it’s not… There is no previous life, I’m just mentally sick, I understand that now! Please. I really do. You need to believe me. I will never, ever think about the past life as a past life again. Never. I will only focus on Erwin, on the here and now. I promise. I promise! There is no past life, there... There is no past life!”

Darius releases a long sigh, after he throws the stick for Rufus again. He’s silent for a short moment after, before he resumes speaking to Levi. “Ah, I wish you had been this adamant about this and understanding a long time ago”, he says, looking Levi deep into the eyes. “It would have spared us a lot of trouble.”

“I understand,” Levi sobs, “it was wrong of me to run away, I understand, and you have got to believe me that I will never, never do this again! I get it now! That what happened in my… alleged memories is... It’s a fantasy!” Tears and snot are running down Levi’s face and his whole body’s shaking. God, he needs Erwin. He needs Erwin so badly. He just wants to go home, lay on the beanbag with Erwin and George, cuddle with the blond – _his fiancé_ – hear his man tell him that everything is going to be fine. Because it will be. It will be! Because Levi’s never running away again, never! Because he really understands now. He really understands now! “Please, uncle Darius, stop saying s-s-scary things, I really get it now! I get it now! I’m just d-delusional, I’m a psycho, I know...I know!” he wails.

And Darius says nothing. But the way he is looking at Levi tells a lot. And Levi doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like it. It’s scary, because uncle Darius is looking so sombre, so serious. He doesn’t believe Levi. He doesn’t believe Levi and—

“You need to shut up and listen to me, Levi,” the old man says calmly, but sounding so fucking scary at the same time. He hands him a tissue, and Levi blows his nose, wipes his tears away with shaky hands. But new ones keep coming. “You need to calm down and listen to me closely,” Darius emphasizes, but it’s so hard to calm down. So hard, and Erwin isn’t here to help him, hold his hand, whisper sweet words to him. Erwin. _Erwin._

Erwin!

“After everything you did, after what you forced _Erwin_ to do to you, you need to learn the truth,” Zackly states, and his words cause a cold shiver to creep down Levi’s spine. And he listens. “Because everything else is, like I said, futile. Because no matter what I try, your Ackerman-mind cannot be wiped. I cannot suppress your memories fully, not even with the pills we keep on developing for you, and no matter what you say: you will continue having these flashbacks. And with your frail state of that mind of yours, the way you’re gonna _react_ to those is just... _unpredictable_.” Zackly speaks as Levi’s heart is, once more, beating in an inexorable, wicked way, his insides feeling as if someone was tearing them apart with claws, confusion, fear and utter shock mixing into an explosive cocktail as he tries to grasp reality, grasp Zackly’s words and revelations, feeling so fucking lost. Because it cannot be, right? 

“And who knows?” Zackly continues. “Maybe next time, when you pull a stunt like that, Erwin will be convinced the only thing to stop you is to cripple you permanently? Or maybe even worse: Maybe he will come to the conclusion that the only way to deal with you, to save you from yourself, to save_ the two of you_ and make sure you _stay_ together, is to kill you. Kill himself, too. Who knows? He’s obsessed with you. And I’m not having my nephew go to prison or a mental institution because of _you_. That’s why you need to listen to me, Levi.”

Many voices inside of Levi’s skull are screaming at him. And it’s terrifying. It’s so terrifying. He hears the voices of his comrades being eaten alive by titans. But… But he tells himself to stick to the here and now; because it isn’t true. Right? It just isn’t true. There are no titans. There never _were_ any titans.

Right?

RIGHT?

And Erwin...

“...k-kill me? He... Erwin would _never_... _do _that.” Cripple him for life, maybe – but if Levi ever did something like run away, nearly commit suicide, wouldn’t it be the right type of punishment? But Erwin would never _kill_ him. Never.

A long, almost theatrical sigh of Darius cuts through Levi’s thoughts. “I just need you to listen, _Captain_ _Levi_,” he says sternly – and Levi’s blood runs cold. He’s frozen inside. Because Darius has _never_ addressed him like that before, claiming that using terms of Levi’s alleged previous life would have the opposite effect and wasn’t helpful in his process of healing.

And now he does.

And then, comes another set of revelations that makes Levi’s blood run even colder.

“Erwin as well as all of your friends and former comrades from the Survey Corps – Hange, Moblit, Mike, Nanaba – they also remembered their previous life,” Zackly explains. “But my partners and I were able to make them forget. Just like King Fritz erased his people’s memories of the outside world, we erased all the traces of _their_ memories of this… cruel and despicable, unfair, tough life. About the existence of the Eldian race, the walls, the titans. We wiped _everything_ so that they could focus on their second chance at life. Untainted. Carefree. Unburdened.”

“...wh-what…?” Levi whispers, more to himself than to Zackly, his fragile heart nearly breaking in two. So many different and contradicting emotions welling in his chest he can’t almost bear them. 

Can’t almost bear the fact that... That he’s actually started to believe the words he’s hearing. Because he’s never talked to Zackly about the erasing of memory… has he? Meaning...

Erwin remembered…! Erwin, the 13th commander of the Survey Corps. He remembered… He remembered! This really...

This really is _his_ Erwin…!

His commander. His lover. His partner. His saviour. His mentor. His leader.

Erwin, who sought him out in the underground, who gave his life purpose. In the previous life and in this one.

His Erwin.

HIS Erwin…!

Right?

_Really?_

_REALLY?!_

_Is this really true? Is what Zackly is saying really true?_

But then why…?

Why…?!

Is this really happening? Or is Levi even more insane that he thought to be true? Is he losing it?

No.

Zackly’s telling the truth.

Right?

Uncle Darius… the former commander-in-chief… He’s telling the truth. Right?

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes?

_Where the hell is Erwin? Why isn’t he here?! Dear God, Levi needs him. He needs him so badly right now…!_

“From the people near you, only I and Konrad still remember,” Zackly goes on, while Levi’s shaking like a leaf in the Northern Wind. Explaining everything. How it all started. How he and his brother, who hadn’t been a relative in their first life, suddenly remembered about that first life in their early childhood – if it even is a first life. “No one really knows when or what the life we lived before is, or was, or will be. Is it the past? The future? Is it an experience from an alternative universe? We probably will never find out,” the old man explains, petting Rufus now who’s had enough of his game of fetch.

They met a few, just a hand full of people, familiar faces early in their teens. “Past friends, comrades, colleagues and the likes.” They also met members of the Reiss family. “Or rather Fritz family,” Zackly sighs. “We made a pact. And a lot of us decided pretty early to become doctors and scientists, in order to try and recreate a fraction of the Founding Titan.” The ability to alter memories. And they succeeded. “It’s a serum,” Zackly explains, and a crass shiver runs down Levi’s spine, “and guess what? It only works on Eldians.”

And not all Eldians were reborn, as it seemed and seems. And not all of them remembered. “Zeke, your old homeroom teacher. He has no clue. We located and talked to him fairly early. He didn’t and he doesn’t have any memories, even after the encounter with you. At least he hasn’t contacted us after that event that’s in your file,” Zackly tells him, and arctic shivers run down Levi’s trembling back as his mind takes him back to this fateful day, to _all_ those horrible days filled with so many bloody and cruel memories, haunting him, with no one there to understand, no one to share his grieve with.

When there were people who could have.

More tears stream down Levi’s cheeks as the former commander-in-chief continues his long and detailed explanation slowly seeping into Levi’s knackered brain, his tummy feeling queasy, as more and more of Levi’s being starts realising that this is not, as suspected, reversed psychology, can’t be, that this isn’t a test, but…

The bitter truth.

“When Konrad’s child was born, he was happy. Because since the first moment he laid eyes on his son, he knew that it was him – Erwin. Whom he had missed so much, thought about since the moment his memories had come back. This is why he wasn’t able to give him any other name, a new name in a new life; like so many of us felt compelled to do things similarly, almost unconsciously. But still, he hoped, ah, he _prayed_ that _this_ Erwin wouldn’t have the old Erwin’s memories – especially after I told Konrad of Erwin’s life after his father’s death. Of Erwin’s own end.” 

Levi sniffles, the tears now flowing down his cheeks uncontrollably, and everything inside of him hurts when he thinks of Erwin’s final moments, calling out to his father on that roof in Shiganshina, and he still can’t fully believe what he is hearing. 

Because this just can’t be. It can’t be! It cannot be. 

And yet he can’t tell Zackly to stop, can’t yell at him to shut up, lets him continue, crying. A fragment of his soul dying in the process. Because that big part of him already believes every single word he is hearing.

“But Erwin remembered,” Zackly states, and it’s like an arrow to Levi’s heart. “When he was only nine years old. It all came back to him during his first riding lesson. He was on a white mare, a beautiful animal. And then… Then it all came back to him.” Konrad was devastated. “Can you imagine? A child, that had been carefree before, running around, playing games, being… childish all this while, suddenly acting like a grown man? That little brain bombarded with so much knowledge, so many memories, so many regrets and so much… guilt? Ah,” Zackly sighs, smiling sadly, “of course you can…”

Of course he does. Of course Levi does. And right now he feels as if the whole weight of his memories is about to crush him. He’s so confused and terrified, and…

“We wanted to give him the serum right there and then. But you know Erwin… He refused. He forbade us to do so, claiming that this was the punishment he deserved. To be haunted by all the souls he had sent to their deaths in order to find out the truth about the outside world, the walls, the titans. I don’t need to tell you – you are the one who knows best. His right-hand man. His captain. His confidante. His lover.”

Levi feels as if he’s about to faint at this point, his mind being so dizzy, woozy, his body feeling weak, crushed, panic and anxiety flowing through every vein, burning and stinging.

“He made it his mission to seek out his comrades. And he found some of those most important to him, all of them slightly haunted by the memories of their days outside the walls. Ah, it was a happy reunion nonetheless. Erwin even went to the same school with Hange and Mike, meeting Moblit and Nanaba at a youth club. But their teenage days were tainted by the experiences of their previous life – and Erwin wanted to redeem them.” 

Thus, he gave Zackly and his partners from the Reiss corporation – a big pharmaceutical company, the one Hange actually works for today – the green light to give his friends the serum, with their parents agreeing. “At least the ones who remembered, like Mike’s,” Zackly adds. “But Erwin... He still didn’t want to take it. And the reason was... _you_.”

Darius looks Levi deep into the eyes, and the black-haired can’t describe what is going on inside of his head at that moment, inside of his heart, his belly. Thousands of shivers creep down his spine and back, fluttering down his arms and legs. He shivers. He swallows down a lump. And then more tears leave his eyes as Zackly goes on.

“He wanted to find you. He was_ obsessed_ with finding you. Desperate. Told us that as long he didn’t have you or proof that you hadn’t been reborn, he would _not_ let us wipe his memories. And the search for you, combined with Erwin’s memories, the guilt he felt about so many of his decisions as a commander... It nearly destroyed him.”

Levi sobs, burying his face in his hands. And Zackly continues.

“You know, I always respected Erwin. He had a brilliant mind, the guts to do what it takes – sacrificing men in the quest of finding out the truth, ensuring our survival, and then to live and move forward with that guilt. He was a hard-boiled strategist. Had to be in his role as commander. And in this life, next to respect, I felt and feel different things for him. Fate put me in the role of his uncle, we share the same blood – and it does things to you. I love him, like an uncle should. Maybe even a little more. Because since I don’t have kids on my own, he’s like my son. You know? His real father is my brother. My_ brother_ – it doesn’t get closer than this. And even though I would never call myself a good man, rehabilitated and all that – and I do see the mistakes of my previous life, I really do, but... What I’m trying to to say is: Family means everything to me in this life. I’m loyal. To Konrad – but even more to Erwin. And this is why I actually started searching for you on my own, to finally let Erwin redeem himself of all the guilt. And after a few years, I _found_ you.”

Levi sobs again, his heart still beating ferociously in his chest. He looks up at Zackly, his facial expression full of surprise, terror and confusion. Because this is all so much to take in...! This is...

“You were but a shadow of the man you onced used to be,” Zackly explains, “and by the time I found you, my partners and I had made a sad but rather predictable discovery.” That, just like then, the Ackermans’ memories could not be erased or in any way manipulated. “Like I said: you’re immune.”

The cogs of Levi’s brain are turning at full speed. “W-Wait... are you... Are you saying... Ackermans...? Does that mean...?”

“I found your uncle,” Zackly explains. Then, the old man suddenly shifts his gaze to look behind Levi, nodding, as if he was greeting someone. And when Levi instinctively turns around, his heart nearly skyrockets out of his chest. Because there, in the flesh, wearing a long, grey winter coat, and a hat, he stands: Kenny Ackerman.

“Shrimp,” he says, staring down at him. Maybe it’s a greeting. Maybe it’s just the first thing that pops into Kenny’s mind as he lays his eyes upon him. Levi doesn’t know. He’s dumbfounded, flabberghasted. Doesn’t even realise there’s another person standing right next to Kenny, the man who raised him in the previous life, taught him how to fight and then nearly killed him all those years later; his uncle, Kuchel’s brother, his flesh and blood in the other life, a relative he had no idea of, a relative he thought he’d never see again, and now here he is, and it’s all too much, it’s too much, because this means...

“Captain,” a way too familiar voice utters, and only then Levi registers that second person right next to his uncle, a beautiful woman with deep, dark eyes and raven-black hair, wearing a red scarf around her neck.

_Mikasa._

Mikasa Ackerman.

Levi can’t speak. He can’t breathe. His little, sick brain bombarded with too many thoughts, too many emotions, a dark and scary realisation floating on the surface of the mental sea.

It’s the truth.

What Zackly’s saying... It’s really not a test. It’s the truth... Right?

“So this is what trying to be a hero got you in the end, huh?” Kenny murmurs, the stern expression on his wrinkled face turning into one of... pity. He sighs.

“K-K-Kuchel…” Levi hears himself whisper. “K-K-Kuchel?”

Kenny shakes his head, smiling faintly, both hands buried in the big pockets of his coat. “My little sister was lucky,” he states, “because it’s better to stay dead than to remember all of that crap. Right, shrimp?”

Levi sobs, near a full breakdown. 

God, why isn’t Erwin here.

_Erwin._

The _real_ Erwin Smith.

_Erwin._

Erwin!

“Oh my God…” Levi whimpers, staring down at his lap, startling when Mikasa crouches right in front of him, holding out a fresh tissue with a calm expression.

“Captain,” she says. “Please take this.”

Levi stares at the tissue in Mikasa’s hand for what feels like eternity before he finally takes it, to wipe more of his tears, blow his nose again, and he feels… He feels so ashamed right now, so irritated, so overwhelmed, so...

_Captain._

He’s not Captain anymore. But he was one. He’s not a soldier. But he used to be. Not a fighter. Like once. He’s nothing now.

No. That’s wrong.

He’s Erwin’s. Like always. But different. Now he’s Erwin’s boy. Erwin’s fiancé. Erwin’s future husband. And why isn’t Erwin here right now?! Levi needs him, he needs him to…

Is this all even real? Are those really Mikasa and Kenny? Is Zackly _really_ telling him the truth?

Parts of Levi are still in denial, in shock.

“I thought it would be hard for you to understand and accept the whole matter,” Zackly suddenly continues with Kenny and Mikasa looking at Levi, “this is why I asked those two to come by, so you could see with your own eyes, and hear with your own ears.”

And Levi does. And Kenny and Mikasa both tell him things from their past lives, things Levi hasn’t told Zackly. Things he_ definitely_ hasn’t told Zackly.

Kenny talks about a special kind of knife he used to own and that he left behind under Levi’s pillow before he abandoned him – and he talks about his mother’s blue dress which she wore when she was six years old. “The fanciest piece of garment our family has ever owned,” he says – words he has told him before, when he was drunk on cheap whiskey and got talkative, would tell him about Kuchel, how the two of them grew up. 

Mikasa talks about the time after Erwin’s death, reminds him how she was the one who happened to meet Levi in the stables that evening when he set out to retrieve the commander’s bones. “We talked about Erwin, and you told me a funny story of how the commander tried riding your devoted horse once when you two had gotten drunk, somewhere in the forest, away from the barracks and the soldiers, and how he kept falling off, laughing at himself, and how you wished many of us soldiers had known this very human, tender and funny side of the commander,” she says, smiling faintly, putting her hand onto Levi’s knee as she squats down in front of him again. “And you told me to never share this with anyone. And I haven’t. Up to today.”

A hard sob breaks out of Levi’s throat, and even if a small part of him still cannot believe it, another part of him now _knows_. The bigger part of him _knows_. The main part of him understands now.

That this _is_ the truth.

That Zackly is, after all, telling _the truth_.

That this is really Mikasa, reborn. That this is really Kenny. His uncle. Kenny Ackerman.

And that he really is Levi Ackerman. _That_ Levi Ackerman. Humanity’s strongest soldier. Erwin’s right-hand man. Captain of the Survey Corps. And that Erwin is really Erwin. Erwin Smith, commander of the Survey Corps, his saviour. 

And that Erwin remembered once, too.

But…

“So, this shitty old man wanted me to verify some more things for you,” Kenny says, lighting a cigarette and taking a drag. “So you’ll believe him, cause...” the older Ackerman fixates his gaze upon his nephew who isn’t his nephew in this life, “you’ve been told your whole life your memories ain’t real. You sure look like that. Like a nutcase.” Kenny shakes his head, scoffing. “I would have never thought to see you in a state like this...”

“Mr. Ackerman…” Zackly says his name, in a reedy way, and Kenny chuckles.

“So, right. What this old fart’s saying is true. About it all being true, and us Ackermans being immune to their memory erasing shit. They tried it on me, hell, I wanted to get rid of my memories, really did. But while it worked on that dude who received the serum along with me – some guy from the Garrison – it didn’t so shit to me. See? I still know who you are, who all of you are. Can’t believe you’re still stuck to that commander of yours, even in this life,” he adds after a while, and Levi shivers.

“That’s enough,” Mikasa interrupts him, and all Levi can do is… He can do nothing. Because his world has just been shattered, is being shattered, all the things he was told all those years being practically flipped backwards. Revoked. Erased. And he… “I ‘m sorry, but I need to go now,” Mikasa says, squeezing Levi’s hands once more. “I’m leaving the country tomorrow.”

“Still looking for Eren?” Zackly asks and Mikasa nods, standing up.

“E-Eren?” Levi mumbles – all those memories of that brat, that dangerous brat resurfacing, making him feel nauseous. 

Mikasa smiles faintly. “I haven’t found him yet on this continent. But I’m not giving up. This is why I’ll keep on looking. I refuse to believe he hasn’t been reborn.”

Just like Erwin kept on looking for Levi. But…

When did he give up? Didn’t Zackly say he had found Levi? Didn’t Erwin want to be with him when Levi was in that state? And where did Zackly even find him? Why does Erwin not remember?! Why does Levi not remember meeting Zackly? Why…?!

“Shrimp,” Kenny says, putting his hand onto Levi’s shoulder and the raven-haired flinches at that, looking up, at this familiar face he thought he’d never see again. “You need to get better.” These are Kenny’s final words. 

“Captain, I am really happy we got to meet again and I’m sorry about what happened to you. Please take care of yourself,” Mikasa tells him before they part ways. This time, probably forever.

And Levi has no idea how he feels about this. He has no idea how he feels about any of it all. And there are still so many questions, still so many voices screaming and yelling them at him; Levi feels as if he’s falling down a bottomless pit, with dark, obscure arms reaching out for him in that darkness.

“So,” Zackly says after they’ve sat in complete silence for a while, alone. And this is what makes Levi finally react.

“When did you find me?” It’s the first question that pops up in his mind. “Why don’t I remember you finding me? When my memory can’t be erased? Why doesn’t Erwin remember anymore?! D-D-Did he give up… Did he give up the search for me? Or d-d-did you show him h-h-how… How fucked up I was a-a-and then he decided he didn’t want to remember me anymore?! Why can’t he remember?! Why?!” Spit is running down his mouth, and tears are blurring his vision. Levi’s throat feels dry and tight. But he can’t stop screaming. “Why?! Why doesn’t he remember anymore?! Why were you telling me all those lies the whole time?! Why?!”

Zackly sighs, shifting his gaze 

“Why?!” Levi shouts, his whole body and soul aching. “Why?! Why Darius, why?!”

He’s breaking down. Falling down a bottomless pit. His head is pounding, like someone was swinging a hammer from the inside against his forehead. His throat hurts. And he’s falling deeper.

“Why?!” he roars, his voice broken and hoarse, spit and snot running down his chin.

“I will tell you, as soon as you calm down, Levi,” the old man says, looking Levi deep into the eyes. “You need to calm down.” Levi’s nearly hyperventilating, he realises, as Darius hands him another tissue. “Please calm down, Levi. I brought you here to tell you everything. I promise: I will give you all the answers you desire. All of them. But you need to calm down.”

But how can Levi calm down?

He sobs, wiping away all those tears, his heart hammering away in his chest, goosebumps rippling down his arms and legs, and he’s shaking, and his chest hurts, so fucking much, and he just wants to be in Erwin’s embrace.

Erwin.

His Erwin.

His commander.

Another hard sob breaks out of Levi’s throat. And it hurts. So fucking much. Like someone was squeezing his heart, trying to make it burst into thousand pieces. But Levi keeps his mouth shut, because Zackly told him to calm down, and he needs to calm down. Erwin would want him to listen to his uncle, right?

But…

Why can’t his man remember?!

Why?!

WHY?!

“Okay,” Zackly states when Levi’s in a state near calmness, which he will never fully achieve. They both know. “I found you when you were first brought into the closed ward, I used my connections and they let me talk to your doctor whom I gave the serum to try it on you. Convincing him thanks to my ties to the Reiss corporation that it was a new medicine we were trying out on patients like you was easy. And just like in the old world, the old life, people are corrupt in this universe too. It was given to you as a normal injection and also noted as such. And, as you know by now, it didn’t work on you. Not that I expected it to work after we had tried it out on Kenny. But I had to at least give it a try. But then I knew for sure. And I also knew something else.”

There’s a short pause in which Zackly stares into the distance, and Levi’s trembling, the adrenaline fuelling his system making him feel antsy, fearful. He can’t take this. He just can’t take this.

“K-Knew wh-what?” he stammers and Zackly sighs, looking back at Levi, giving him a very faint smile.

“That Erwin would _never_ allow for us to take away his memories if he found out in what state you were in – and that we weren’t able to take your memories away.” Zackly’s words, though uttered in a soft fashion, are like a dagger, stabbing Levi’s heart. “And that’s why I did two things,” Darius elaborates and Levi’s whole being is trembling. “I used my influence and my connections to try and make sure you stay institutionalised as often and as long as possible, sharing my renowned expertise on your state with my fellow doctors while staying in the background.”

Levi feels sick. He feels so terribly sick, memories of being locked up, nearly imprisoned, memories of unfriendly nurses and other patients giving him hell making him almost throw up. Memories of being looked at like a lunatic, a crazy person, someone inferior, someone to be pitied. Memories of feeling as if chained to something invisible forever. Memories of anxiety and panic, of sorrow and utter fear. 

Zackly continues. “And while I did that, I also started to talk to Erwin in earnest. I tried to reason with him, trying to finally convince him of giving up on his dream to find you, trying to make him take the serum, make all those nightmares that kept him up late at night, surrounding him like dark clouds, go away. He was a broken man, and neither Konrad nor I could accept the fact that he kept torturing himself like that because of you. Though my brother never knew I had found you, if you’re asking yourself this right now. But, as you can possibly imagine, Erwin wouldn’t listen. He didn’t want to give you up. He wanted to continue searching. This made me take drastic measures of which I am not exactly proud of…”

Levi’s shaking, from the cold. But mostly from what Zackly, from what uncle Darius, what the former commander-in-chief is telling him. 

Erwin remembered. 

And there are so many contradicting emotions welling in Levi’s chest. He’s hurt, he’s relieved, he’s terrified, he’s happy, he’s broken, he’s elevated, he’s confused, he’s mortified. He’s scared and shocked by what uncle Darius has done, while a part of him...

“I faked your death certificate,” Zackly confesses – and it’s another arrow to Levi’s heart. “Because I believed that the only way to convince Erwin to take the serum was to convince him of the fact that his search for you was futile, that you were gone. But...” The old man sighs deeply. “He was hurt, you know. Seeing him break down and cry like a child really got to me, to Konrad, too. He was angry at me for doing this behind his back. I nearly told him you were alive then, but… Konrad is weak, especially when it comes to Erwin. He would have directly dragged him to the ward to let him see you, even if that meant Erwin would _never_ let go of those haunting memories.”

Zackly pauses for a while, throwing the stick for Rufus again, and Levi’s blood is rushing in his ears. He can’t move. He can’t speak. All he’s able to do is stare at Darius. Waiting for the man to continue his revelations. That make Levi feel so many things, that make his body do so many different things. 

Levi starts to feel drunk. As if he had just downed a shot of that cheap whiskey from the discounter that he’s drunk so many times. Tasting even worse than some crap served in the underground…

And thinking about the underground, about Kenny, about Furlan and Isabel… God…

It’s all true.

_Have Isabel and Furlan been reborn, too?_

God.

Erwin.

Erwin!

Erwin, who looked for him, even though Levi had sent him right into the Reaper’s arms in their previous life. Erwin, who thought that he was dead. Erwin, who—

Zackly sighs. “You probably know what happened,” he then continues, staring at the ground, his hands folded in his lap. “Even though he believed you were dead, he didn’t want to take the serum. He said he’d rather live with the memories of all of his deeds than erase them – because this would also mean he’d have no memories of you. And if he couldn’t be with you, he at least wanted to keep the memories of you together in the previous life.”

Pain, love, anger, anguish, happiness, and even more guilt shoot through Levi’s veins, grip his heart, make his throat go tight, cause his eyes to water once again, the tears streaming down his cheeks as he sobs, his fingers digging into the fabric of his trousers covering his thighs.

“He really loved you. In this life and in the other. Ah, what am I saying,” Zackly laughs. But it’s not a sound of joy. “He still loves you. But it’s slightly different.”

Levi sniffles, his mind bombarding him with all the things that could have been. Had he not been locked up. Had they met earlier. Had Zackly not concealed his existence to his nephew. To Levi’s commander. But…

But he can’t even be angry at the man. Levi’s just numb. Confused, numb, and terrified and…

_And he needs Erwin so badly right now._

“In the end, after endless debates and talks, Konrad and I decided to give the serum to Erwin anyway,” Zackly says, sounding… sad. “We snuck up on him in his sleep. And believe me, it was just as hard for me as for my brother to do this to him, to go against his will, but… I’ve said it before: He was a broken man, Levi. Haunted by all the ghosts of his soldiers, broken by the memories of the last battle when he led so many young people straight to their death, even if that had been necessary. Even though he had sacrificed himself for the plan to work out, but… Well, you know Erwin better than any of us.”

Levi swallows a thick lump in his already aching throat, sniffling again, every fibre of his being quivering, his mind working on overload, bombarding him with scenes from the other life, his last moments with Erwin before he led the recruits to their death. And he can’t cope with it.

Because it’s true.

It’s true, and Erwin remembered, and it haunted him, and…

Levi feels sick.

“So, after we erased his memories,” Zackly goes on, sighing, “he didn’t find the peace that Konrad and I had hoped for him to achieve.” Once more it feels as if a dagger was piercing Levi’s heart, and he looks up at Zackly, fearing whatever the man is about to reveal to him next. Zackly meets his gaze, offering a faint smile. “He didn’t remember anything anymore. He didn’t remember you – but somehow that didn’t stop him from _looking_ for you.” Another wave of pain and agony washes through Levi’s body, making him sob and sniffle, making his chest constrict and his throat go tight, as Zackly explains. 

“He had a couple of boyfriends resembling you. Short, black-haired, even their faces were similar to yours. As if Erwin had a certain _type_ he was looking for, without knowing why.” But those relationships didn’t last. “Because he always found them to be lacking something. None of them was so devoted like you were and _are_ to him. And… Erwin was and is, how should I put it… extreme. Expecting absolute obedience from his partner. Like he expected from his soldiers as a commander. Like he expected from you when you were his captain. And obedient you were. And are… And so, when those young men _couldn’t_ give him what he wanted, he grew extremely frustrated, even angry. He was obsessed with… finding _the perfect boyfriend_. Finding his long-lost lover without even knowing. And then, well, he _found_ you; unexpectedly.”

Pictures of how Levi walked into Erwin that fateful day fill his mind, and he feels happy, and sad, and melancholic, and agitated, and…

“Erwin was obsessed with being together with you, just like he had been before we had given him the serum. And he still _is_ obsessed: Because even if we take the memories away, some aspects of our previous life, aspects of our… original character, let’s put it this way, stay behind. In some cases more than in others,” Zackly elaborates. “Hange and Mike, just as Nanaba and Moblit, have this deep-seated desire to follow Erwin, to follow his commands, do as he says, as if they were still his subordinates. I’m sure that if they knew he had your legs broken, they’d keep their mouths shut, protect him, just like you do. Out of that natural loyalty engraved into their core, even after taking the serum and being freed of the ghosts of the past.”

Zackly sighs before he goes on.

“But Erwin’s obsession with being with you… It’s even more extreme than this of his former friends and comrades. Just like it had been in the previous life, when he had made it his life’s goal to find out the truth about the titans, prove that his father had been right all along, avenge his death by the means of delivering knowledge, driven by the desire to make Konrad’s murder matter. He was willing to sacrifice hundreds of his soldiers for this, for the sake of humanity’s advance. And now he isn’t any different – he’d sell his own grandmother out, if it meant he could stay with you forever. Erwin will stop at _nothing_ to make sure you are by his side. There are no boundaries for him anymore. And Konrad and I have been thinking about his drastic change of character after we’d given him the serum, and we’ve come to a very astounding and sad conclusion.”

Levi’s shaking again. He’s freezing, teeth beginning to clatter, and he feels nauseous. He’s so dizzy. And scared. And agitated. And he doesn’t say anything, his mind filled with Erwin, his brain trying to understand what exactly Zackly is trying to say, trying to explain to him right now.

“By taking Erwin’s memories of all the fallen soldiers he had sent to their death, we have also taken away a large portion – maybe even the _main_ portion – of his empathy. And it had been that empathy, and that guilt, caused and maintained by all the memories of his dead subordinates, that had sustained his humanity in the other life,” Zackly says calmly, sounding even a bit sad. “People called him a monster back then, but he was not one. You and I know that. As the commander of the Survey Corps Erwin had _no other choice_ but to sacrifice his soldiers in order to ensure our survival, our future. His position and the requirements bound to it, Erwin’s duty _forced _him to decide over his soldiers’ fates, to order them to die, to make those seemingly cruel choices.”

Levi knows. 

Levi knows best. 

And memories of that despicable red-haired brat calling his commander, his lover, his saviour “the devil himself” make him feel even sicker, make him feel angry. They hurt him. But Levi knows, remembers his own words directed at Floch right after he had given the serum to Armin.

_“His only choice was to become the devil – and he did it because we asked it of him.”_

Levi knows.

“Thus, in the other life, Erwin was only _acting_ like a monster,” Zackly goes on. “But now, with his memories and a crucial part of his empathy gone, he’s fully _become_ a monster. This is why in the pursuit of his goal – first, finding you, now: keeping you by his side – he doesn’t hesitate and makes gruesome choices without even blinking an eye; like breaking your legs and locking you up, turning your home into a prison and making you even more dependent on him than you already were.”

“He’s not a monster!” Levi hears himself screaming before he can even ponder the words. But even when he does, his skin itching and his belly feeling fuzzy, it’s the only thing on his mind. “Erwin’s not a monster! A-a-and he doesn’t make gruesome choices! He had my legs broken to save me!”

“But having your legs broken _is_ a gruesome choice, Levi.”

Levi swallows, his throat hurting, his heart pounding wickedly in his chest. He sobs. Zackly’s right: It is a gruesome choice. Because Erwin’s also being forced to do gruesome choices in this life – but this time it’s not the government, not his position as a commander that compels his man to make those decisions.

It’s Levi.

“He _had_ to!” he utters, weeping once more, the tears rolling down his cold cheeks without any sort of control, his whole mind spinning, anger and panic and pain mixing into something inscrutable inside of him. “He’s not a monster! He _had _to do this! If... If... If I hadn’t run away, he wouldn’t have done it, you know it! He doesn’t like hurting me! It’s because I ran away, and he had to make me stop from hurting _myself_, from _killing_ myself. He had to! So I wouldn’t be able to do this shit again. So I wouldn’t be able to run away because of... Erwin saved me! He’s not a monster!”

Zackly sighs, petting Rufus once more who is a little bit scared because of Levi’s yelling. Scared and confused – just like Levi is, with all the information dumped onto him, with Zackly suddenly calling his commander a monster, with the fresh memories of Kenny’s and Mikasa’s visit.

It’s too much. 

It’s too much!

Levi feels sick.

“Look, I won’t give you the ‘you’re a victim of abuse’-sort of thing,” he then says, and doesn’t even allow Levi to protest against this allegation beyond comprehension. “I’m not Konrad,” he goes on; and the mentioning of Erwin’s father, papa Smith’s words echoing in Levi’s mind – _did Erwin do this to you?_ – makes Levi actually close his mouth instantly, his stomach feeling even weirder than before. Zackly sighs once more before continuing. 

“Erwin’s father... Konrad didn’t take the change of Erwin quite well, after we erased his memories. Not only because he wasn’t at peace and kept looking for you, but also because of the reasons I have just disclosed. He’s...” Zackly’s voice drifts off as he’s looking for the right words. “Konrad’s horrified, and he’s _scared_ of, as well as _for,_ Erwin. They’ve grown apart because Konrad couldn’t and can’t accept certain things his son does, things that terrify him. Just like we grew apart because Konrad blames me for changing Erwin. He’s convinced Erwin’s the one who’s behind your alleged accident, as you know, but I, like I said, am not like my brother; which means that I fully support Erwin and what he does, no matter how... gruesome it might be. I will protect him, no matter what. And I will always help him, like I did with your legs, giving Erwin an alibi, stating that I was with him the whole time, looking for you, supporting his story. And since the police have no evidence, and you are going to keep your mouth shut, Konrad cannot do anything, all right?”

Levi can’t move, he can’t react, he doesn’t really understand what uncle Darius, what Zackly, is trying to tell him. And it doesn’t go unnoticed. The therapist and former commander-in-chief sighs, licking his lips next, moving a little bit closer to Levi on the bench, searching for the raven-haired’s gaze. 

“Look, what I’m trying to tell you: I’m on Erwin’s side. And this means that I need to accept you as a part of his life, even if I have tried to keep you out of it for Erwin’s sake. Now, for Erwin’s sake, as well as his sanity, I need to make sure that you _stay_ in his life, got it?”

Levi doesn’t answer, keeps staring at Zackly. Too many things raging inside of his poor brain, inside of his heart. Too many emotions to grasp.

He feels sick.

“And I told you that I am disclosing everything to you because I fear that Erwin might do something... really bad, something I can not protect him from anymore, if you run away again like that, thinking what you were thinking about your previous life. So, for one, I need you to understand that even if your memories are really your memories, it doesn’t mean that history is gonna repeat itself: I’m way older than I was when I died back then. I’m different, while I am somewhat the same. But being reborn doesn’t mean we are doomed to follow the same path we took before, that we are destined to suffer the same injuries we suffered before, the same fate; our families are different here, aren’t they? Your biological mother in this life is not Kuchel. Your friends from the underground, Furlan and Isabel: They probably don’t even exist here, just like Eren doesn’t. Zeke and others do not even remember. Do you understand this Levi? History is unlikely to repeat itself. And even if it would – it wouldn’t be your fault. It wouldn’t be due to you entering Erwin’s life or whatsoever. So running away doesn’t solve anything. Do you understand, captain?”

It feels so weird to be addressed in this way. It’s terrifying and revolting. It makes Levi sick. So very sick. But...

But Zackly’s words, uncle Darius’ words... They... Levi thinks that he might understand what Erwin’s uncle is trying to say. At least partly. And thus, he nods.

“Good,” Zackly praises him. But this isn’t the end. “This is all to protect Erwin,” he emphasizes. “And that’s what you want, isn’t it, Levi?”

“Yes,” Levi whispers without any hesitation.

Because his life, this one and the other, has always been about this: about protecting Erwin.

“Then you need to let go,” Zackly tells him then, as softly as possible. “You need to let go, captain,” he repeats, still calm, but a little bit more vigorously too. “You need to let go of that other life. It can’t influence your actions in this life anymore. It can’t make you run away or lead you to trying to take your own life – because there is no guarantee as to what Erwin will do then. And as I told you: I’m not having him go to prison because of you, and I most certainly will not watch him take his own life because of the grief your suicide might cause him to feel. I saw him break down over your death once – when he was still mentally stable. And for once I agree with Konrad: Because I’m too scared of what Erwin’s reaction might be now.”

Levi’s trembling, trying to understand everything Zackly tells him.

_Erwin._

Erwin.

ERWIN!

Another sob escapes his throat as Levi thinks about Erwin going to prison, when he thinks about his man’s death, committed in grief. 

No.

Zackly’s right.

He can’t let this happen.

Levi thinks about how Erwin broke down when they got home from hospital. He thinks about Erwin’s tears, and he understands, he completely, truly understands, how much he hurt Erwin by running away. How much he endangered Erwin. 

What he has forced Erwin to do.

Become that monster again, just like he was pushed into being the devil as the commander of the Survey Corps.

No.

Levi can’t do this anymore.

He can’t do this anymore!

Uncle Darius, Zackly: he’s right.

He’s right, and this is all the truth, and Levi has to protect Erwin. He can’t be the reason for his man’s death. 

Not again.

“Do you understand, Levi?” Zackly enquires, and the raven nods heavily.

“Y-Yes,” he whimpers, sniffling. “Y-yes.”

“...but can you do it?”

Zackly’s last question makes Levi snap out of his thoughts again, makes him look back up, directly into uncle Darius’ eyes, who’s looking at him with a serious but warm expression. And Levi has no idea what to say because...

Because he’s been trying for decades, basically almost all his life, to not think about those memories. To not let them interfere with reality. Even if other people thought he was crazy, a huge part of Levi was always convinced that his memories were real, and now he has the confirmation. But does it change anything? Considering his fight of... of letting go of the other life?

Erwin.

Oh God... He remembered.

_He remembered!_

He remembered all of their talks, their nights, their fights, their secret kisses, their trip to Mitras, when they had this beautiful room in that beautiful inn and shared fantasies of a world without titans, slightly intoxicated by sweet wine, when Erwin first talked of them getting married one day.

They never spoke about it again.

And then, Erwin was dead. And...

“Can you do it, Levi?” Zackly repeats his question, and a cold shiver ripples down Levi’s spine, new tears forming in his eyes.

He knows he has to. He has to!

...but how on earth can he do it? How on earth...

“Can you do it? Stay with Erwin, who doesn’t remember? Can you stay with him for the rest of your life without talking about your previous time together, Levi? Without letting it influence your actions?”

Levi sobs.

“Well,” Zackly continues, reaching for something in his inside pocket. “You will need to make a choice. Now, I know that Erwin makes the choices for you and you promised him to never make one your own again after your last escape – so this will be your _final_ decision, Levi, concerning your life. Your life together with Erwin. But it’s one that you _have_ to make.”

Levi’s heart nearly stops beating when his eyes settle on a small, rectangular box Zackly’s retrieved from his pocket, looking quite familiar... Making Levi think about... 

“You have two options,” the man starts explaining. “You get your shit together, accept the fact that Erwin and the others do not remember anymore, stop talking about the other life, stop thinking it has any effect on your or Erwin’s life now, and focus on the future, focus on getting married to Erwin and staying with him forever, obeying my nephew and not causing any trouble or...” Zackly stresses, opening the little box, and Levi’s stomach starts rumbling in a very uneasy way, as his eyes settle on the syringe filled with a fluid inside of it. “Or you use this on Erwin,” Zackly explains somberly, “and you bring the commander back, bring Erwin’s memories back, if this is the only way that will ensure you won’t bring my nephew to do something drastic because of you; if this is the only way you think you’ll be able to stay by his side forever. _This_ serum reverses the process of erasing Erwin’s memories.”

Levi’s stomach is turning, and he feels bile rising up his throat, as his mind keeps on spinning and he almost doesn’t hear Zackly explaining that Konrad doesn’t know about the existence of that serum, and then Levi can’t follow anymore, he can’t follow Darius’ words anymore, because he feels so fucking dizzy, and his throat constricts, and the taste of bile becoming ever so prominent, his stomach hurting, because it’s too much, it’s all too much, Kenny, Mikasa, Erwin, the walls, the titans, the Survey Corps, his comrades, the underground, being reborn, the moment the memories all came back to him, the day he met Zeke in this world, Zackly finding him in the ward, keeping him in the ward, people calling him crazy when he was not, the memories of this and the other life mixing, suffocting him, digging into his skin like rusty nails, pain and agony, sadness and fear mixing, and panic fuels his veins, setting them on fire, and the world around him starts spinning even more – and then Levi vomits; gripping the handles of his wheelchair he vomits, while fresh tears drip down his face, mixing with the sickness seeping out of his body. 

He can’t do this.

_He can’t do this._

He can’t make this choice.

Levi doesn’t make choices.

Levi sucks at making choices.

Because of his choice, because of his decision, Erwin died on the roof in Shiganshina.

Because of Levi Erwin didn’t see the basement.

Because of Levi Erwin didn’t make it to the sea.

He didn’t see Marley.

He didn’t see that flying boat.

He wasn’t there when they uncovered the whole truth.

Because Levi’s decision Erwin died – so how on earth is he supposed to make another choice concerning his man again?! How?!

_How?!_

HOW?!

Oh God.

It’s too much.

It’s all too much.

It’s too much...!

_Erwin!_

_ERWIN!_

“Levi!”

Levi freezes, still bent over, his mouth hanging open, a tiny bit of sick dripping down to the ground from his mouth, as he hears... _that_ voice.

Erwin’s voice.

“Levi!”

Oh God.

Rufus starts barking and speeds off, and Levi hears his man’s agitated, quick footsteps as the man jogs over to them, his pulse skyrocketing; and merely seconds later his man’s big hand touches his shoulder. “Levi,” Erwin pants, his voice clearly concerned, “what’s wrong? What happened? Why the fuck are you keeping him out there for this long?” he snaps at Zackly before turning back to Levi, who is frozen, eyes wide, staring at the earth beneath the wheelchair, staring at his own, disgusting spew, the taste of acid in his mouth and throat. 

“Levi,” Erwin pleads with the softest, broken voice possible, directly tugging at Levi’s heart, making him whimper, and he flinches slightly as Erwin’s big, warm, tender hand suddenly touches his cheek and turns his head around carefully – until Levi’s looking right into his man’s beautiful face, the blue sapphires flooded with concern. And then he hears this voice again. “Darling...” Erwin, his lover, his saviour, _his commander_ murmurs softly.

And Levi loses it.


End file.
